Spoilers: Takes place directly after A Comedy of Eros
Author's Note: This wasn't a formal Lyrics Challenge, but I wanted to see if I could do one. I heard the song on the radio one night and the story grew from there. Hope it works.
Feedback: Any and all comments are extremely welcome. :)

Insensitive
by Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

Gabrielle watched him from the corner of her eye all night. There was something odd about Joxer. Okay, well, there were a lot of things odd about Joxer in general, but tonight he was acting odd in a very un-Joxer way. After the whole debacle with Cupid's arrows and everyone falling in mismatched love, she'd expected them all to have a good laugh over it. And they did... sort of. The whole thing was ridiculous, Joxer had said so himself.

And that was all he'd really said about any of it. She'd been ready to go over the whole day and joke with him about it, laugh at the antics of all the love-crazed virgins, bet on the likelihood of a warlord like Draco actually doing good in the name of love. She knew they wouldn't go so far as to tease Xena about how gone she was over Draco, not if they wanted to live through the night, but she figured she and Joxer would've at least had some fun teasing each other about how silly they had acted over each other.

Sure, Joxer could be pretty exasperating at times... well, okay, most of the time, but she could always count on him to find the humor in unbelievable situations like that and share some laughs with her over them. Xena really wasn't one to kid around with her like that, so it was nice to have Joxer around at those times.

But Joxer hadn't kidded around with her, he hadn't laughed with her or teased her or anything at all. That just wasn't like him.

Gabrielle frowned and turned over in her bedroll. There he was, still sitting there staring at the campfire, poking at the logs with a stick. His back was toward her, but she could tell by the set of his shoulders and the turn of his head that he was brooding. Joxer didn't brood. Well, he rarely brooded. She could count on one hand the times he'd been troubled enough to be so silent, the times she'd found him staring so intently at the fire as if all the answers a person sought could be found within the flames.

Gabrielle shifted to stretch her arm out and lean her head against her palm. What could possibly be troubling him now?

Joxer sighed harshly and tossed his stick into the fire. He rested his elbows on his knees and pressed the heels of his hands against his forehead for a moment, then shoved his fingers through his hair. This was getting him nowhere. He could stare at the fire all night long and it wouldn't do him any good. It wouldn't change anything.

He could still hear her words, the way she'd laughed at the idea of them being in love. It played over and over in his head, and though he'd tried to steel himself against it, his gut twisted and his heart ached every single time. Gods, could he feel more like a fool?

When he first met her she had beaten him to a pulp, but she'd also helped him with his bloody nose and told him he had the potential to be a hero. Since then they had developed a friendship of sorts, and it was one he'd been comfortable with and enjoyed. She had a great sense of humor, was a talented bard, he loved to watch her fight with that little stick of hers, and she was awfully cute. He liked having her as a friend, her and Xena both, but somewhere along the way that friendly feeling grew into something stronger.

Looking back now, he could recognize the first sign of those changes happened on the day she married Perdicus. She'd looked so lovely in her wedding gown, with the wildflowers in her hair. He'd been truly happy for her... but he also remembered watching her run off with her new husband and thinking how much he was going to miss her. He remembered the pang of loss that he'd felt in his heart and how he'd shaken it off and told himself he and Xena would still see her now and then. They were friends, after all.

The next day, he'd mourned with her, seeing her grief over her husband's death. It had made him so sad to see the terrible coldness in her eyes when she'd been determined to kill Callisto. He would've done anything to help her, anything to take that coldness away, even give his own life if necessary... and for the first time in his life, when he'd run into that cave after Callisto, his only thought had been to save Gabrielle and not to prove what a mighty warrior he was.

When it was all over, he'd gone on his merry way with a much lighter heart. He'd seen her smile again and all was right in his world. He realized now that since that time there had been a different, stronger warmth in his heart for her. He'd never thought anything of it, it was just there, growing stronger each time he'd happen to meet up with her and Xena.

He never imagined himself to actually be in love with her... but today, the way she smiled at him, the sparkle in her eyes, the love that glowed from them... it took his breath away and made his heart pound. They had talked and laughed together, she even sang his song with him!

Joxer stood abruptly and drew a hand over his face, rolling his eyes at himself. That should have tipped him off right there that something was off. She hated that stupid song. He'd had his nose pinched more times over that than anything else he ever did.

Lost in thought, he paced with short strides in front of the fire. All that affection, all that admiration directed at him made those buried feelings he had for her bloom explosively inside him. He'd known then that he loved her with all his heart. Now his heart was breaking. Her love hadn't been real at all, just a crazy mistake of the gods.

He kicked viciously at a rock and watched it bounce off into the surrounding bushes.

"Joxer?"

Gabrielle's whisper startled him from his thoughts. He turned his head toward her and just looked at her.

The look in his eyes made her sit up in her bedroll. She'd never seen him like this, so angry and sad and... lost. "Are you all right?"

Joxer heard the concern in her voice and felt his heart flip and his stomach sink at the same time. Her hair was rumpled from the bedroll and her top had shifted from her movements, the slight curve of her left shoulder gleaming in the firelight. He turned his head away and closed his eyes, barely holding back a frustrated groan.

Gabrielle stood and stepped over to him, lightly tugging on the back of his shirt. "Hey... what's wrong?"

Joxer swallowed hard and took a careful step away from her, then another. "Everything. Everything's wrong." He shook his head and gave a short, harsh laugh. "I really should have known."

"Known what?"

"That it was all wrong, a stupid mistake," he muttered, talking more to himself than to her. He shoved a hand through his hair again, rubbed the back of his neck. "You being in love with me." His hand fell and his back straightened as he quickly cleared his throat, remembering she was there. "Um, and Xena with Draco, um..." he waved his hands dismissively.

"Anyway. I just should've known, that's all. But by the time it was all over, everything was different and I can't go back." His voice faded introspectively again, "I wish I could go back. It was better when I didn't know." He fell silent, staring off into the trees, wishing that the carefree feeling he'd had in his heart only yesterday could return and replace the ache that burned there now.

Gabrielle blinked in confusion. "Uh, sorry, but you've lost me, there." She came around to face him, looking up at him with those deep green eyes, her lips curving into an encouraging smile. "Come on, sit down and tell me what's bothering you, okay? You'll feel better." She stepped over to the large log they'd set down near the fire and sat down. She patted the space next to her and looked at him expectantly.

That's just what's bothering me... Joxer thought ruefully, staring at her hand on the log. I've lost you and I never really had you. And you have no idea.

A weariness settled over him that went soul deep. If she wanted to know what was bothering him, then by the gods he'd tell her. What good would it do to hide it? He'd love her whether she knew it or not, wouldn't he? Telling her and having her laugh in his face couldn't possibly be worse than keeping it a secret, living with this constant ache and her being so cheerfully oblivious to his torment, could it?

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