It's generally accepted that the word "soccer" derives from the "soc" in the phrase "Association Football". However, this is really a preposterous story made up by the British to help them claim the ancient game of football as their own invention. Think about it: do you honestly believe that 19th-century English gentlemen in handlebar moustaches went about saying things like "I say, Carruthers old bean, jolly fine day for a game of 'Assoccer'!"? If you want to know how soccer really came into being, read on.

"Joxer! Pay attention," called Gabrielle, "Catch!"

Joxer span round and saw the ragged playball flying towards him. He reached out, but the ball glanced off his fingers and onto his head.

"Ow!" Joxer cried.

"Oh, Joxer!" sighed Gabrielle, "What's the point of playing if you don't keep your eye on the ball?"

"Aw, I'm sorry," Joxer said, "It's just that I'm no good at these games. But give me a sword and I'd..."

"Hah!" Gabrielle laughed, "In comparison with your swordsmanship, your ballplay is masterly."

Joxer shot a glance at Gabrielle and opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't think of anything, so he swallowed hard and threw down the playball. He stamped off into the woods.

"Gabrielle," Xena said, "That was mean."

"I know, I know," protested Gabrielle, "But he was just about to start boasting again, and I've just about had enough for..."

"Hey," Xena interrupted, "I know he can be a pain, but he's got feelings too, remember? Couldn't you just humour him a bit?"

"Yeah, like you humoured him with the flat of your sword when you caught him trying on your gauntlets this morning?" retorted Gabrielle.

"Alright already!" Xena snapped, "I know I was a bit short there, but a warrior's equipment is a very personal affair."

About an hour later, Joxer returned to the camp, still looking sullen. He picked up the ball, and began playing with it, throwing it up into the air and trying, not very successfully, to catch it. Xena and Gabrielle watched him as they gathered together their things and stowed them in Argo's bags.

"Come on Joxer, let's go," called Xena.

Joxer let the ball drop and rolled up his meagre possessions into his bag, and slung them across his back. He followed the women at a short distance, brooding and kicking the ball along in front of him. As he walked, he began wondering why nobody before had ever devised a game in which you kick the playball. He had tried lots of games involving throwing and catching, even one ridiculous game called "Homeball" in which you had to whack the ball with a big stick and run round a circle for "home", but he had never seen anyone play ball with their feet. He began thinking: What if I could make a game to be played with the feet? I may really be useless with catching and throwing and stuff, but I bet I could kick it better than Gabby. Yeah, that'd show her. Gradually, ideas began to form in his mind, and, unselfconsciously, he started to run and dribble with the ball at his feet. Quickly, he caught up to the warrior princess and the bard, passing them by as he played with the ball.

"Hey, Joxer," Gabrielle cried, "What on earth are you doing with that ball?"

Joxer turned round and noticed the women.

"Oh, hi Gabby," he responded, "Come on, see if you can get the ball off me!"

"Easy," laughed Gabrielle, letting the "Gabby" slide on this occasion.

Gabrielle ran up to Joxer and grabbed the ball with her hands.

"Oh no," chided Joxer, "Give it back and see if you can get the ball without using your hands."

Gabrielle gave the ball back to Joxer and lunged at him with her right foot. He tried to step aside to the left, but lost his balance and ended up going to the right. It didn't matter, since Gabrielle was thrown by this first-ever "bodyswerve" and missed the ball completely. Joxer remained in possession.

"That was a great move, Joxer," applauded Xena, "If you meant it."

"Hah!" Joxer laughed, "Of course, I meant it."

"Yeah, well you were lucky that time Joxer. Now watch out!" Gabrielle gasped, again going for the ball.

This time Joxer went to kick the ball to one side, but found himself missing it and stepping over it. Once more, Gabrielle was completely fooled by her friend's unwitting invention of another classic footballing manoeuvre, the "step over", and tripped over while Joxer regained control and dribbled away with the ball.

"Oh rats!" Gabrielle exclaimed, "This game's okay, but it's a bit goalless."

"What do you mean?" asked Joxer.

"Well, what am I supposed to do with the ball once I've finally got it off you?" replied Gabrielle, quickly dipping and kicking the ball away from Joxer's feet.

"Hey!" barked Joxer, "That was sly. Distracting me with all that talking!"

"Come and get it," laughed Gabrielle.

They played for a while and then continued their journey. Joxer was very pleased with himself that he had found a way to amuse Gabrielle, but was also a little troubled by Gabrielle's comment about his game's lack of goals. After all, what could you do once you had got the ball and ran away from your opponent?

By late afternoon, Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer had arrived at the village of Brazzillios, where Xena had arranged to pick up some new weapons from that village's famous blacksmith, Ronaldos. Gabrielle and Joxer found themselves waiting idly in the marketplace. Much to Gabrielle's annoyance, the stalls were deserted. To add to her frustration, the local inns all seemed to be closed.

"Bother!" Gabrielle moaned, "What kind of place is this? I'm starving and I'm bored."

She noticed a couple of small children and called to them. "Hey, you there! How come all the stalls are empty and the inns closed?"

"It's Sunday, of course," replied one of the urchins, "Everyone rests here."

"Huh!" retorted Gabrielle, "It's 48 B. C. and we come to the one place in Greece where they're already following Christian practices!"

Joxer threw down the playball, and challenged Gabrielle.

"I've an idea, Gabby," he said.

"What?!" snapped Gabrielle, "And don't call me that -- the name's Ga - bri - elle. Okay?"

"Alright, alright," responded Joxer, "Look, you see that empty stall there. I'll try and kick the ball into it while you stop me. And you see that other empty stall across the marketplace, well you try and kick the ball into that one. Whoever gets the most by the time Xena gets back wins. Okay?"

"I suppose it's better than just standing around all day," sighed Gabrielle.

The bard and the "mighty" warrior began to battle it out. At first, Joxer managed to keep the ball away from Gabrielle, and came pretty close to firing it into the target stall. He began singing his song, "Joxer the Mighty", while waiting for Gabrielle to run at him. However, Gabrielle was starting to relax and enjoy herself, and before long she had dispossessed Joxer and knocked in the first successful shot.

"You're not singing, you're not singing anymore!" taunted Gabrielle as Joxer picked the ball up from the stall.

One of the children at the side piped up.

"Please, can we join in? That looks like a fun game."

Soon, Gabrielle found herself assisted by two young boys, while Joxer's efforts were aided by a little girl and her brother. The game continued apace, with Gabrielle's side building up a lead of seven points to three. Attracted by the laughing and shouting of the players, a group of villagers gather around the marketplace, and they began cheering the teams on. Totos the bookmaker, never slow to seize an opportunity, began taking bets on who would emerge victorious.

By the time Xena got back from the blacksmith, carrying a pair of shiny new gladiae and a custom-built chakram, she found the whole village in uproar.

"What's going on here?" she asked.

"We're all playing and watching this great new game the one in the funny hat invented!" replied one of the village men.

"You mean him?" asked Xena, pointing to Joxer.

"Yes," answered the man.

The game continued, and even Xena was impressed by its flow and speed. However, she was annoyed to see some of the older players deliberately kicking their opponents' legs rather than the ball. So, the next time it happened, she stepped into the marketplace and emitted a piercing whistle,

"Hey, you!" cried one of the players, "What did you do that for?"

"Foul play!" rasped Xena, holding up a handerkerchief, "Now, I'm showing you this yellow hankie. If I have to warn you again, I'll show my other one, my red one, and you'll have to leave the game. Have you got it?"

"Huh!" barked the player, "Who do you think you are?"

"Come on Roikeaneios," said one of the other players, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "You heard what the lady in black said, now let's continue playing. Face it, she don't look the type you want to argue with, eh?"

When the game finished, about an hour later, due to the fading daylight, the village magistrate summoned Joxer forward.

"You, what is your name?" asked the magistrate.

"It's Joxer, my lord," replied the would-be warrior.

"What have you got to say for yourself, causing all this chaos?"

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it to go all out of control like this," pleaded Joxer.

"Oh, don't be sorry, " laughed the magistrate, "This has been the best Sunday afternoon in years! The people have been dying for something to do on Sunday afternoons ever since I decreed a ban on trading on that day. This new game of yours will fit the bill just perfectly."

"Ah, yes," replied Joxer, "Well, actually, this was my plan all along. Glad you like it."

"Anyway, what do you call this game of yours? Kickball? Stallball? What?"

"Erm, erm," said Joxer, scratching his head, "Ah, that's it. I call it 'Joxerball'."

"Well, from now on, I declare that every Sunday afternoon there shall be a game of Joxerball," announced the magistrate, to loud cheers.

And so, in the course of time, 'Joxerball' got shortened to 'Joxer', then the even more easily pronounced 'Joccer'. The game of Joccer became something of a tourist attraction for Brazzillios, particularly when a spectacularly gifted young player called Peles emerged and helped his village team defeat Athens United in one of the first inter-city championship matches held in Greece. The game grew ever more popular, and eventually earned royal patronage from King Beckhames II. However, being near-sighted, he misread the name of the game as "soccer". Since nobody dared argue with him, the game was known in that way from then on. And that, dear reader, is how soccer was really invented.

Please take the time to write to Tristan at xenafan@btinternet.com, and let them know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2002 by Tristan Jones and is the author's sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.