Rating: PG for subject matter
Spoilers: Some minor ones for Season Five in general and "Punchlines" in particular.
Author's Notes: This is based loosely on an experience I had when I was 13. My reaction was only slightly more mature than Joxer's...

"Hey! Strawberries!"

Xena recklessly steered her cart over into the direction of the fruit, nearly knocking over an elderly couple in the process. Joxer followed closely behind, muttering apologies to the senior citizens and trying to catch up with the Warrior Princess before she caused any more cart-related disasters.

"Xena, you gotta be more careful," he admonished as she began discretely popping several of the red berries into her mouth. "And stop stealing that fruit! You want to get us thrown in jail?"

"But Joxer," Xena mumbled around a mouthful of fruit, "do you know how long it's been since I've had fresh strawberries? I'd almost forgotten they were in season!" She picked up a basketful and placed them in the already overflowing cart. "You know what goes great with strawberries? Salmon!"

Joxer barely resisted the urge to evacuate his breakfast. "Salmon?!? That's disgusting!"

"Don't knock it 'til you try it, Joxer," Xena replied as she turned down the next aisle, nearly upsetting a wooden display case of goat cheese and pita bread. "I'll never get the hang of these damn carts," she muttered angrily as she attempted to steer the haphazardly-built contraption in the right direction.

Suddenly she heard Joxer yelp, and when she turned around to see what had happened, she saw him standing down at the end of the aisle, his eyes as wide as saucers. "Joxer, what is it?" she asked, concerned about his sudden strange (well, stranger than normal) behavior.

"N-nothing!" Joxer stuttered, blushing profusely. "Nothing at all. Tell you what, I'll meet you over in the other aisle, okay? Better yet, I'll meet you at the checkout line, alright?"

"Joxer, what in Tartarus is the matter with you? Come here and quit..." Xena stopped abruptly as she took a look around and realized why Joxer had reacted so strangely. She started giggling, much to Joxer's annoyance. "What's so funny?" he demanded, his pride suddenly wounded.

"I dunno, something about a big, brave warrior being scared to death of some feminine products just strikes me as funny, that's all." Xena's giggle quickly turned into a guffaw as Joxer blushed even deeper. "You should have seen the look on your face," she howled, nearly doubled over with laughter.

Joxer scowled at the convulsed warrior princess, his embarrassment quickly turning into anger. "Very funny," he muttered as he turned to leave. "I'll be waiting outside."

"Joxer, wait," Xena gasped, trying to catch her breath and chase after Joxer at the same time. "Wait, I'm sorry. Don't go." She placed a hand on his shoulder, restraining him. "I'm sorry," she repeated, sincerely this time as she could see the hurt look on his face. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I just thought it was funny," she said apologetically.

Joxer's face softened and his lips threatened to curl into a smile. "Well, I guess I did overreact...both times." He sighed deeply and looked down the aisle. "I guess I should be more comfortable with this type of thing, traveling with two women and all, but there are just some things that still make me...feel weird."

Xena laughed and punched Joxer lightly in the arm. "There's nothing 'weird' about a woman's cycle, Joxer. It's a perfectly natural occurance." She returned to her cart and began pushing it down the aisle with Joxer reluctantly following her, eyeing the products on the shelf warily. "Besides, you might have a daughter yourself one day, and you may have to bring her to an aisle like this when she begins cycling."

Joxer paled slightly at the thought. "No way. I'll change diapers, cook meals, clean the house, do laundry, make household repairs, do everything that a good husband is supposed to do...but I won't do that."

Xena smirked slightly and glanced at him over her shoulder. "And what if your wife makes you?" she inquired, a slight edge to her tone.

Considering that for a moment, Joxer simply shrugged. "Well, if you put it that way..." he acquiesced meekly.

Xena shook her head and grabbed several packages from a nearby shelf. "There's nothing to be afraid of here, Joxer. See, look at this one: it's designed for heavy flow. Gabrielle could use these...I should pick up a few of these for her. She always forgets to pick some up whenever we stop by a town, then the next thing you know she's down by the river trying to scrub out her sleeping pelt..."

Realistically, it didn't seem possible for Joxer to grow any paler that he already was, but somehow he managed it. He had the distinct feeling that the bard would not want him to be privy to such personal details about her bodily functions, and that somehow she would make him feel generous amounts of pain once she found out what Xena had been discussing with him. "Uhh..."

"And these," Xena continued, oblivious to Joxer's discomfort, "are designed for more active women, and they've even got a little belt to hold it in place, see? It's the type I usually buy, when I can. I'll tell ya, there's nothing worse than being in the middle of a battle and realizing that somewhere along the way you dropped your..."

"Hey, is that fresh salmon?" Joxer yelled suddenly, trying desperately to change the subject. "And look, it's only three dinars a pound!"

"Oooh!" Xena squealed, the previous discussion quickly forgotten as she made her way over to the seafood aisle, nearly running over the same elderly couple from earlier in the process, causing the irate husband to raise his gnarled fingers in an obscene gesture.

Joxer sighed as he watched the warrior princess shove a plump, middle-aged housewife away from a particuarly large salmon, causing her to careen backwards into an elaborate hummus display. Next time, I'm going to volunteer to wash Argo, he thought to himself as he raced over to help the woman as she tried to pick chickpeas and wood splinters from her hair. I'll bet Gabby isn't having this much trouble...

Please take the time to write to Tim at tjoyce@rocketmail.com and let him know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in either series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is © 2000 by TV's Tim and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.