Genres: Xena/Hercules
Rating: R.
Pairing: What, and spoil the surprise?
Summary: A wedding feast leads to an unexpected pairing and some surprising revelations.
Author's Notes: This was originally posted on Joxerotica and SUJE, but I thought I'd try it out here and see what people think about it. Feedback is more than welcome.

She was going to kill them.

It was just that simple. When she found them, she was going to end their lives. Really, it was the only sensible thing to do under the circumstances.

Death was the only answer.

There was definitely something wrong.

At first, he thought maybe he was dreaming. After all, his dreams could be very strange at times. Like the time he was convinced that he was Attis the Apeman, swinging through the trees wearing a pink nightgown. But that had just been a wild, crazy dream...or so he had been told.

But this was no dream. For one thing, his head was killing him. Pain like that was as real as real could get.

And then there was the little matter of the very real, very female body laying beneath him. And the various other aches and pains throughout his body that could only be the result of one particular thing...

No, this was definitely not a dream.

It wasn't so much that they had abandoned her after the ceremony was over. It wasn't even the fact that they had both completely disappeared for the entire evening, leaving her at a loose end. No, it was the fact that they had left her alone with him.

Autolycus.

The man never stopped talking about himself. Ever. Story after story about his "world-famous exploits", his "greatest heists", his "numerous steamy love affairs", and so on and on and on.

She enjoyed a good story as much as anyone, but there were limits to what she could take. And last night she reached her limit fairly quickly.

She tried to be polite and excuse herself time and time again, but the free-flowing wine had made the King of Thieves both verbose and persistent. He had followed her all over the place, with a seemingly unlimited supply of anecdotes and narratives about his imagined greatness. All designed, it seemed, to make her all hot and bothered and ready to jump into bed with him. At least, that's what he told her when she informed him that she was turning in for the night.

"C'mon, I figgered that my heroic essploits would make you all, ya know, esscited," he slurred as he leaned against the door of her hut, trying his best to look sexy and sober at the same time and failing miserably at both.

At another time, in another place, she might have taken him up on her offer. After all, it had been a long time. A long, long time.

But she still had some standards. And he was very, very drunk.

He ended up coming in anyway, camping out on her couch and singing off-color songs about barmaids and lonely farmers in between drunken rants about magic stones and giant serpents. After the first two hours, she stopped listening and went to bed. Sleep, of course, wasn't possible with Autolycus caterwalling in the next room, but at least it gave her time to plot the torture she would put her friends through once she found them.

He was still passed out on the floor when she left the next morning. The Mighty King of Thieves, half-naked and laying facefirst in a puddle of warm drool and Zeus-knows-what. And in her hut, of all places.

Yes, she was definitely going to kill them.

Some people would accuse Joxer of being slow on the uptake, and perhaps rightfully so. After all, his mother had always said that Jace got the beauty, Jett got the brains and he got the...well, that he was blessed in other areas.

But one thing he wasn't was stupid.

He knew what had happened, and why. After all, he did drink more wine than he was able to handle and he was at a wedding with lots of beautiful and unattached women. So those parts of the equation were crystal clear, at least.

Now the only questions that remained unanswered were how he ended up in here and just who exactly he ended up spending the night with. And while the first question would probably remain unanswered for the time being, there was a fairly simple solution to the second one. All he had to go was open his eyes...but for some odd reason he just couldn't bring himself to do so.

Never again.

Never. Again.

She really thought she could handle herself this time. After all, she was no stranger to wedding feasts, and the inherent dangers therein. Especially when wine was involved. Still, she knew the risks involved and how to protect herself from unwanted attention and advances.

And yet, here she was, hungover and sleeping underneath some strange man.

Way to go, idiot

The inside of her head sounded like Hephaestus' forge, and the little bit of sunlight that managed to seep through her closed eyelids made her want to scream. And her overworked body was as sore as Tartarus. And worse yet, the mystery man was starting to stir...in more ways than one.

This was not going to be a good morning.

Joxer was so busy trying to put the pieces of the previous evening's puzzle together that he almost didn't notice that the woman was beginning to awaken. But when her left leg brushed up against him, he did become aware of another impending problem.

Oh Gods...not NOW!

Under the circumstances, he wasn't sure how she would react to his "morning dilemma". After all, if she didn't remember anything about the previous night, she could jump to the wrong conclusions about what had happened. He knew he could never and would never force himself on anyone or take advantage of someone in a vulnerable position, but he wasn't sure if she knew that. Still, the scratches on his back seemed to indicate that she had had as good a time as he apparently did...not to mention what he could only assume was a bite mark still throbbing on his left cheek. But better safe than sorry...

With his eyes still closed he tried to shift his weight so that he could move off the bed, but doing so caused his still-tender manhood to bump against her thigh, making him yelp and lose his balance...

She wasn't sure at first, but she thought she recognized the cry of pain and the subsequent groan that followed as her mystery man fell off the bed onto the floor. As she opened her eyes and squinted against the sunlight that flooded the room, she tried to place the voice. It seemed to her that she had hear it before, many, many times in the recent past.

She wasn't sure what her mystery man was trying to do, but she was pretty damned sure about what had been rather insistently poking her in the leg. Ye Gods, that couldn't be real, could it? Even horses aren't that...

Wait, that voice. That cry of pain. She had heard it before.

No. No. It couldn't be...

Joxer shook his head and tried to gather his wits about him. Well, so much for a graceful dismount, he mused ruefully as he rubbed his sore rump and sat up gingerly by the side of the bed. Whoever this woman was, she was going to think that he was a complete...

"JOXER?!?"

At the sound of his name, Joxer whirled around and came face to face with the woman in question.

"XENA?!?!?"

Gabrielle stomped down the ancient hallways of the old castle, seething with rage and frustration. Her heavy footsteps echoed throughout the cavernous estate as she made her way back to her hut to regroup. She needed time to think.

Where in Tartarus are they?!?

The anxious bard had searched the entire palace grounds for Xena and Joxer, and turned up nil. She had questioned the servants, the other wedding guests, even Iphicles and his new bride, but no one had seen her friends since they wandered away from the reception the previous evening.

It didn't make any sense.

Battling with Gabrielle's annoyance was this nagging fear that something horrible had happened. She couldn't rule out some plot by the Olympians, despite the promise of Zeus that no harm would befall the wedding guests. According to Hercules, he considered it to be a suitable wedding present for his stepson.

As she re-entered her guest hut, she was greeted by the sight of a topless Autolycus sprawled out on her couch and nibbling on some figs. Her anger flared up anew at the image.

"What are you still doing here?"

The King of Thieves chuckled and leaped to his feet with an unsteady grace. "C'mon Blondie, is that any way to talk to an old friend?" he drawled.

"You're still drunk, Autolycus." Gabrielle pushed past the tipsy thief and made her way to the adjoining bedroom. "And you still haven't answered the question. Why are you still here?"

Still wobbling, the thief sauntered over to the doorway and leaned against the frame. "Well, I figured we could have breakfast together or something," he replied with a smirk. "No matter what you may have heard from some people, I always treat my ladies right."

"Your lad...what in Hades are you talking about?"

Autolycus chuckled deep in his throat and slowly strolled over to her. "C'mon now, no need to be coy. After what we shared last night..."

Gabrielle swiftly held up a hand to halt the roguish thief. "First of all," she hissed, "I am not one of your 'ladies'. Secondly, we didn't share anything last night. You were drunk out of your mind at the reception and followed me around all night boring me to tears with your endless drivel." She began to advance menacingly towards him, causing the King of Thieves to quickly back out of the bedroom. "Then after annoying the Hades out of me for half the evening, you stumbled in here against my wishes, kept me up all night with your drunken ramblings and then passed out on my couch just before dawn. That's all."

Momentarily stunned, Autolycus coughed loudly and quickly recovered his composure. "Hey, of course that's all that happened," he replied with a forced laugh. "I mean, I knew it all the time. It was just a gag, you know? You and I, Gabs, we're pals! Buddies! Compadres! We would never..."

The bard merely shook her head and sighed. "Look, we don't have time for this now. Xena and Joxer have been missing since last night, and I'm worried something terrible has happened."

Autolycus dismissed her concerns with an wave of his hand. "Nah, I'm sure they're fine, Gabs. I mean, Xena can take care of herself and Joxer...well, hopefully he's with Xena. I'm sure they're just fine, wherever they are."

Despite the truth in his statement, Gabrielle still wasn't convinced. "But it's not like Xena to just up and vanish like that. It's not like Joxer either, for that matter," she added as she began pacing the floor. "And how could they just leave without anyone seeing them? Unless..."

Gabrielle quickly turned away and ran outside, leaving a confused Autolycus in her wake. "Wait a minute," he shouted after her retreating figure, "where are you going?"

"I think I know who's behind all this," she yelled back as she sprinted for the palace gates. "And if I'm right, Xena and Joxer are both in a lot of trouble!"

Throughout her short-yet-eventful life, Xena often found herself in plenty of unique and surprising situations. After all, she had three dopplegangers (all of whom happened to be living in Greece for some reason), regular encounters with divine beings and other assorted figures of legend, not to mention the whole "dying-then-coming-back-to-life" thing which still had them all confused. So there was very few things left in life that could shock her.

But this...this was definitely a new one.

"Joxer?!? What...how...?" Unable to think of a proper response to the situation, Xena took a deep breath and tried again. "What in the name of Zeus Almighty happened?!?"

For his part, Joxer was shell-shocked by the sight of an angry and very naked Warrior Princess reclining mere inches away from him and the horrified realization that he must have...

"OhGodsXenaIcan'tbelieveIdidthisIwouldneverdoanythinglikethatI'msosorry," he blurted out nervously in the hopes of forestalling his eventual murder.

Xena took one look at Joxer's frightened, wide-eyed mask of fear and realized that he was as confused about the situation as she was. Well of course he is, he's JOXER. He wouldn't dare try something like this in a million moons. Now Autolycus, on the other hand, this is right up his alley.

"Calm down, Joxer. I know you aren't behind this." For the first time, the Warrior Princess took a closer examination of their unfamiliar surroundings. Unlike the elegant, understated guest rooms and huts on the palace grounds, this place was gaudy and overly extravagant. Not to mention very, very pink. "But I think I know who is."

Joxer's eyes grew even wider as he reached the same conclusion. "You don't mean...?"

A flash of godly light interrupted their conversation as the orchestrator of their predicament suddenly appeared before them.

"Aphrodite," Xena hissed.

"Damn it! Could this day get any worse?!?"

Ares sat on his throne and sulked as he pondered his rotten luck as of late. First, there was the recent peace treaty signed between the two royal houses of Gretlen and Mortac. After years of planning and scheming and manipulation on his part, the two bloodthirsty monarchs were finally ready to declare a long and savage war against each other when his do-gooder half-brother Hercules came along and ruined everything! Now Gretlen and Mortac were actually talking about combining their wealth and resources to build schools and healing centers and such for the subjects of their kingdoms. What a damned pathetic waste!

Then there was the decree from Zeus banning the gods from the wedding of his stepson Iphicles, robbing Ares of the opportunity to get revenge on Hercules and his annoying little blond sidekick. And to make sure his decree was followed to the letter, Zeus also declared that all of the gods would remain either on Mt. Olympus or in their temples for the next three days or else suffer his unending wrath and vengeance. And since Strife and Discord were even more afraid of Zeus than they were of him, he couldn't even convince them to do his dirty work for him.

"Here I am, stuck in this sorry excuse for a temple for the next three days," the War God shouted to no one in particular, "with no worshipers, no minions to boss around, no decent wars brewing, and an idiot half-brother who screws every single diabolical plan I've ever come up with! Sometimes being the God of War really sucks!"

With that outburst of his system, Ares took a deep breath and considered his options. In three days, he would have his chance to make Hercules pay for meddling in his business. Until then, he would have to just bide his time and...

"ARES!"

Well, that certainly answered his question. Clearly this day was about to get much, much worse.

The War God looked on with disdain as the other annoying little blond sidekick in his life came storming into his temple and glared up at him with fire in her eyes. "Didn't your parents ever teach you to knock before entering a god's temple?" he sneered contemptously.

The bard, suddenly realizing that she hadn't had time to flesh out any real plan of action, began to regret her impulsiveness. After all, Ares was an Olympian god and here she was, a mere unarmed mortal. Still, her friends were in danger and she had to help them somehow. "Tell me where Joxer and Xena are right now," she ordered through gritted teeth, trying desperately to keep the quaver out of her voice.

"How should I know? Look, I don't have time to play games with you right now, so get out."

Concern for the lives of her friends overriding her own survival instincts, Gabrielle swallowed her fear and took a fighting stance. "Where are my friends?" she demanded.

In spite of himself, Ares laughed and took pity on the overmatched bard. "C'mon Blondie, I could kill you a million times before you hit the ground. I haven't seen Xena or the idiot in weeks, and I've got better things to do than to keep up with wayward mortals." The War God's expression darkened as he stepped down from his throne and stood nose-to-nose with Gabrielle. "Now run along before I really lose my temper."

Undaunted, the bard stood her ground. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what you've done with Xena and Joxer! What sick, perverted revenge are you plotting this time, you monster?!?"

"Dammit, I just told you that I don't..."

"Gabrielle! You in here?"

Autolycus ran into the temple and stopped dead in his tracks as he took in the scene before him. "Uh, I could come back later if you two are busy," he offered.

Ares groaned and threw up his hands in frustration. "What is this, Athens Central Station? Get out of my temple, both of you!"

"Not until you release my friends, Ares!" Gabrielle shouted.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I DON'T HAVE YOUR GODSDAMNED FRIENDS!!!" Ares bellowed, causing the temple walls to tremble around them.

The King of Thieves laughed nervously as he took Gabrielle by the arm and began leading her towards the door. "Well, sorry to bother you then. We'll just be going now and let you get back to...well, whatever it is you brooding meglomaniacs do in your spare time. But we've got to do this again sometime real soon. Maybe we'll go out for dinner and a show one night, how about it?"

"OUT!!"

With that Autolycus quickly yanked Gabrielle out of the temple and forcibly slammed the door shut behind them, which in turn caused the already-weakened temple walls to crumble and the entire ceiling to come crashing down on top of an aghast and infuriated War God.

Once outside, Autolycus whirled the bard around to face him. "Are you nuts or just plain stupid?" he asked angrily. "What in Tartarus were you thinking, waltzing unarmed into the temple of a war god and pissing him off?"

A loud crash and an ungodly roar of fury interrupted Gabrielle's response as the temple began to collapse upon itself and sent debris flying everywhere. Autolycus grabbed the bard's arm again and attempted to escape the scene. "Never mind, let's just get out of here!"

Gabrielle pulled her arm free and glared at the King of Thieves. "Let go of me, Autolycus! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!"

"Oh, sure you are! If I hadn't come along when I did, you'd be a stain on what's left of the temple walls! Good thing I decided to follow you when you ran off like a bat out of Hades."

"I had the situation completely under control!" Gabrielle insisted.

Autolycus snorted derisively. "The hell you did!"

"Hi guys, having some trouble?"

Gabrielle and Autolycus quickly spun around and came face-to-face with a bemused Hercules.

The King of Thieves breathed a sigh of relief. "Herc! Man, am I glad to see you! This dizzy broad is driving me nuts!"

"Me?!? You're the one who.."

Hercules held up his hands for silence and took a look at the carnage around him. "Please, we can settle 'who's driving whom nuts' later. Right now, I'd like to know exactly what happened here."

"LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!"

The War God emerged from the rumble of his temple, seething with unfathomable anger and glowing with godly energy. "You sent these idiots here to destroy my temple and drive me insane! You know I can't retaliate against you or your friends because of that damn decree, you know I can't even leave my own temple without incurring the wrath of our father and so you set this whole damned fiasco up on purpose! You're going to pay for this, Hercules, you hear me?!? If it takes me the next hundred thousand millenia, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!"

Hercules cleared his throat and stepped forward. "Uh, Ares?"

"WHAT?!?"

"I hate to tell you this, but technically, you're not in your temple anymore."

The War God's eyes grew as wide as saucers and he pointed an accusing finger at his half-brother. "But...you...I...NOOOOOO!!!" And with that, his body was engulfed in a blinding spiral of fiery blue flame and disappeared, leaving two stunned mortals and one surprised demigod in his wake.

"Well, I don't think I could have planned that better myself," Hercules remarked after a few moments of shocked silence. "Now, could someone tell me what this is all about?"

The Goddess of Love, in all her pink-clad glory, sauntered over to Xena and Joxer, clearly enjoying the sight of their nude bodies and the looks of confusion and indignation on their faces.

"Well, look at you two! The warrior babe and the quintessential studmuffin, all naked and sweaty and worn out. I take you two had a perfectly groovy time last night?"

"Enough, Aphrodite." Xena leaped out of the satin-covered bed and angrily confronted the Love Goddess. "What's the meaning of this? Why did you bring us here? Is this another one of your spells?"

"Easy babe, one question at a time. No, this isn't a spell, I swear. Cross my heart and all that stuff. And I brought you here because if I hadn't you guys would be laying in an alleyway or some place icky like that. I figured you'd be more comfortable in one of my special "pleasure rooms" here at the temple." Aphrodite gestured expansively towards the room. "Isn't it just the max? I designed it all by myself and..."

Joxer tore himself away from ogling Xena's unclothed form to interrupt Aphrodite. "Wait, what do you mean we'd be 'laying in an alleyway or some place icky like that'?"

Instead of answering, the Love Goddess strolled over to Joxer and sat down on the bed. "Wow, studmuffin," she purred as she stared pointedly at his crotch, "I always figured that there was more to you than meets the eye. I just had no idea that there would be so much of it!"

Embarrassed beyond belief, a blushing Joxer grabbed a satin pillow to cover himself as Xena tried to resume her line of questioning. "What's going on, Aphrodite?"

"Look babe, I'm getting to all that. But first, I think Joxer should go freshen up a bit. My priestesses are waiting for you, sweetcheeks." And with a wave of her hands, Joxer disappeared.

"Now I think it's time you and I had a little chit-chat, Xena."

"So that's the whole story. We thought maybe Ares had them, but apparently he doesn't know anything about this. They've been gone almost a full day, and I'm really starting to get worried." Gabrielle stopped pacing and turned to face her friends. "What could have happened to them?"

At first, everyone sat silently as they considered the possibilities. Suddenly, they all began talking at once.

"Maybe Xena got called off on some emergency mission," offered Iolaus.

"Or maybe they ran off to elope," added Nebula with a lecherous smirk. "Or maybe they just skipped the elopement and when straight to the honeymoon."

Morrigan shook her head in disagreement. "Nay, I don't so. Maybe they're here...but invisible." Everyone stopped talking and stared at her. "Hey, it's happened before, ye know," she replied defensively.

"Okay, anyone have any sane theories to offer up?" asked Autolycus.

"I still don't think we can rule out Ares as the culprit," said Ipichles as his new bride Rena nodded her agreement. "After all, he and Xena do have a lot of history together."

"Actually, I think Ares has more pressing matters to deal with at the moment," Hercules remarked with a slight smile. "Besides, there's still that decree from Zeus hanging over the gods' heads."

"Well, this is getting us nowhere fast," declared Salmoneus. "Let's just split up and go out looking for them. I say we start here in town, and then branch out into the surrounding territories." He stood up and began issuing orders. "Autolycus, you and Gabrielle head west. Hercules and Morrigan, you go east. Iolaus and Nebula will take the north while Iphicles and I head south. Rena will stay here at the palace in case Xena and Joxer come back here. Iphicles, you may want to have some of your guards search the grounds again, just in case."

"I had no idea Salmoneus was so commanding," Nebula whispered to Iolaus.

"I think it's a side effect from all that wine he drank last night," Iolaus whispered back. "It's brought out the leader in him."

"If we head out now," Salmoneus continued, "we should be able to cover a lot of ground before nightfall. If we don't find them, we'll meet back here, gather supplies and head out again in the morning..."

A flash of godly light interrupted Salmoneus as Cupid suddenly appeared in the room. "Actually, I don't think that will be necessary," he replied with a dazzling white smile.

A surprised Hercules rose to greet his winged nephew. "Cupid? What brings you here?"

"Actually, I've got a message from Mom: don't worry about Xena and, uh, 'Studmuffin'. They're totally alright and there's no need to panic or freak out or anything."

"They're with Aphrodite?" Gabrielle inquired. "Oh, that's a relief! Thank the Gods they're okay."

"You're welcome," smirked Cupid. "And yes, they're okay. More than okay, as a matter of fact." He walked over to Iphicles and Rena and placed his hands on their shoulders. "I'd better get going before Grandpa finds out that I'm here, but I just want to wish you two all the best. You were one of my favorite projects." And with a sly wink, he vanished with another flash.

"Well, all's well that ends well," Iolaus said. "Now we can all relax."

"I guess," Morrigan replied, "but I wonder what he meant by that 'more than okay' remark?"

"I think I know what he meant," leered Nebula. "And I think you guys know, too."

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as the occupants pondered the meaning of Cupid's turn of phrase, and they all came to the same conclusion.

"No way," said Autolycus.

"Never in a million years," Iolaus agreed.

"Joxer and Xena? That's about as likely as Salmoneus giving all his wealth to charity," added Hercules.

"Don't even joke about things like that, Hercules," Salmoneus warned. "But you're right, neither is very likely to happen any time soon."

Morrigan grimaced and shook her head. "I don't know them as well as ye all do, but I've got to admit that it does sound a wee bit implausible."

"Maybe, maybe not," Rena remarked quietly. "I mean, I don't know them all that well, either. But stranger things have happened in the name of love. Look at Iphicles and me if you need any proof of that."

"Rena's absolutely right," Iphicles said as he put his arm around his new bride. "If we could overcome the odds and make a relationship work, anyone can."

"Well, there's one person here in this room who knows Joxer and Xena better than any of us." Nebula turned to Gabrielle, who appeared to be in a state of shock. "Well, Gabrielle, how about it? What do you think Cupid meant?" she asked with a sly smirk.

"I...I...I've got to get some air," the bard stammered as she fled the room.

"Way to go, Nebula," Autolycus grumbled as he rose to follow Gabrielle. "I'd better go after her." After he departed, the others in the room glared at the pirate as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"What? What did I say?" she asked with mock innocence.

Conclusion >>>