Something tells me we're not exactly in Kansas anymore, Toto...
Autolycus made a rude noise. "Not to me it doesn't!" he muttered, shaking his head in disgust.
"Uh huh. Yeah, right. Like tell me another one, Slick!" Aphrodite snickered. Her blue eyes widened innocently as she gazed up at the ceiling. "A certain ex-showgirl named Cupcake might say something different..."
"You keep her out of this! Listen, sister..." Autolycus' eyes narrowed as he wagged his finger at her and the Goddess gasped at his disrespectful attitude.
"OOOOOO! You just wait until..." Aphrodite's pretty face turned up in an angry pout and she stamped her slippered foot on the floor.
"Until what?" Autolycus sneered.
"C-c-can it, A-A-Autolycus!" Xena yelled from where she was still sitting and shivering. "S-S-Start t-t-talking, A-A-Aphrodite!" Her shaking hands slowly went towards the still-gasping Mathesar's neck again.
Mathesar's eyes widened in fear and using his hands, he slowly began inching his body away from her grasp. With a loud cry, Xena lunged forward and just missed the Thermian, falling forward on all fours.
"X-X-Xena! S-s-stop it!" Gabrielle gasped. Her face turned deathly pale and she swallowed hard as her stomach flip-flopped when she tried sitting up again. "Oh G-Gods!" she mumbled, putting her hand over her mouth.
"Knock it off, Warrior Chick!" Aphrodite snapped, turning to glare at Xena. "Save the killing spree for later, huh?"
Xena angrily glowered back at the Goddess but did as she said - for the moment.
"What's the matter with her?" Laliari whispered as she watched Gabrielle swallow several times and clutch her at her stomach.
"Wow. She gets space-sick too," Fred blinked. "Cool."
"Will s-s-someone p-p-please tell m-me w-w-why I d-d-decided t-to come again?" Alexander growled, rolling his eyes at Fred's remark.
"S-S-SHUT UP, ALEX!" Jason wheezed, actually managing to sit up this time. His eyes widened as his vision doubled then trebled before returning to normal. His breath burst forth from him in a loud hiss as pain shot from his groin and throughout his entire body.
"M-M-Make me, O Captain!" the Englishman sneered as he slowly sat up on the platform and glared down at Jason.
"B-BOTH OF YOU! SHUT UP!" Gwen yelled, finally losing her temper as she also rose to a sitting position and clutched her aching head. The two men acted as if they didn't hear her and began yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. "NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR YOU TWO TO HAVE A PISSING MATCH!"
"MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!" Alexander and Jason yelled back.
Gwen's jaw momentarily dropped open in surprise before she lit into them. "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TELLING ME TO..." she hollered.
"Can't we all just get along?" Fred asked nobody in particular as he and Laliari watched the three of them shouting insults back and forth at the top of their lungs. He blinked when Gwen hurled a particularly creative insult at Alexander, who snarled an equally vicious reply in response. "Ouch. Guess not."
Tommy gasped loudly from underneath the still blissfully unconscious Guy, momentarily distracting everybody in the room. "HEY! W-WILL S-S-SOMEONE G-GET T-THIS H-HORMONE C-C-CRAZED OX OFF ME?" he screeched. "BREATHING ISN'T EXACTLY AN OPTION FOR ME!" There was a two second pause before the yelling match restarted between Jason, Alexander, and Gwen.
Aphrodite surveyed the scene before her with a bored expression on her beautiful face. "Mortals!" she finally sniffed in derision as she held her left hand up and inspected her manicure. "Yo! Tall and Pale Dude With a Really Bad Haircut!" she called out over the cacophony, switching back to English.
Teb looked up curiously at the Love Goddess, his attention momentarily diverted from smiling down at Joxer. "My name is Teb, O Beautiful Goddess of Love," he said, bowing respectfully in her direction.
Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "Yeah, like whatever! Stop freaking out poor Studmuffin and take Mustache Man off Spazzo Boy before he blows a gasket, will ya?"
Teb cocked his head, puzzled at the Love Goddess' strange speech pattern. "I do not understand your meaning," he said finally.
Aphrodite rolled her eyes and mimed a pushing motion.
"AH!" Teb exclaimed, his eyes lighting up in sudden comprehension. He waddled over to where Guy was lying on top of Tommy and unceremoniously pushed the unconscious man off him.
Guy landed next to Tommy with a loud thump. Tommy immediately began taking in huge gulps of air while Teb knelt down next to Guy and patted his cheek gently in an effort to wake him.
Joxer, who was still lying on the floor, breathed an audible sigh of relief that the strange pale-faced man's attention was finally diverted. He carefully rose to a sitting position and blinked several times while his head swam. "Gabrielle?" he called out. He heard a soft moan in reply. After a couple of false starts, he was able to get on all fours and inch by agonizing inch, Joxer began crawling over to the bard, who finally sat upright after several unsuccessful attempts. "Are you all right?" he asked.
"I'm fine!" Gabrielle snapped. She suddenly slapped her hands over her ears and winced as her voice echoed over and over in her head. "Mmmmph!" she mumbled, slowly lowering her hands down to her sides and blinking in an effort to focus her eyes.
"No you're not, Gabrielle," Joxer grunted as he continued making slow progress towards her.
"JOXER, I'M FINE!" Gabrielle yelled and clapped her hands over her ears again.
Joxer rolled his eyes. "I just asked you if you were okay! You don't have to get so darn crabby about it!" he exclaimed, still unsteadily crawling towards her. His head began swimming and he had to stop for a moment to get his bearings before starting forward again. "You get so touchy if you don't feel good, and Gods forbid if anybody tries to help you out!"
"Do not!" Gabrielle's eyes focused on Joxer blearily as she swayed back and forth in the spot that she was seated in.
"Yes you do! You do it all the time!" Joxer's lips immediately puckered up into a stubborn pout. He came to a halt just outside of the bard's reach and glared at her.
"DO NOT!" Gabrielle yelled back with a decidedly mulish expression on her face.
"DO TOO!"
"DO NOT!"
"DO TOO!"
"DO NOT!"
"DO TOO!"
Meanwhile, on the transporter platform, Guy came to and moaned very softly as Alexander, Gwen, Jason bellowed at each other from one side of the room while Joxer and Gabrielle yelled at each other on the opposite side of the room. The rest of the people in the room looked on in varying degrees of disgust, puzzlement, and amusement with the exception of Xena, who was studying Aphrodite with narrowed eyes and a sneer on her lips.
Guy's eyes slowly opened and his lips were still curled up in a smile. He blinked a few times as his eyes came into focus and widened in utter horror when he realized that Teb's smiling face was literally inches away from his own. "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" he shrilly screamed at the top of his lungs.
Teb blinked in surprise and then frowned in puzzlement at Guy's reaction. Guy took in a huge gulp of air and screamed again.
Guy's screaming did have one positive effect: everyone stopped their arguing long enough to turn around and stare at him.
"Somebody rip out his vocal cords for the good of humanity!" Alexander rumbled, his face drawn up into an expression of distaste. He put a hand to his head, feeling his temples pounding underneath the latex prosthetic headpiece he wore. "What's his problem?"
"His dreams were like totally shattered into a million pieces!" Aphrodite replied with a giggle as she turned in Alexander's direction for a moment before turning to Guy. "Hey, Mustache Man! Put a sock in it!" she called out to Guy, who whimpered loudly.
"Oh, would somebody just shoot him and put him out of his misery?" Gwen groaned in frustration as she slowly put her hands over her ears in an effort to block out the noise. Some movement from the corner of Gwen's eye caught her attention and she carefully turned her head towards what she had seen. Her eyes widened when she saw that Xena had managed to get to her feet. "Oh no..." Gwen mumbled.
"Aphrodite..." Xena growled as she swayed back and forth in the spot that she stood, her ice-blue eyes focusing on the Goddess.
Guy immediately stopped his whimpering, his eyes wide with terror at the sound of Xena's voice. "W-what's s-she s-saying?" he asked as he gazed up at Aphrodite. "Is she gonna kill us all?" he asked, his body beginning to tremble in fear.
Xena's right arm slowly rose and she pointed an accusing finger in the Goddess' direction as she continued swaying back and forth. "If you don't start explaining what's happened to us and who in Hades these people are, I'm gonna kick your immortal ass from here to Tartarus, truce or no truce!" Xena's hands slowly clenched into fists and her lips curled up into a positively evil grin at the idea.
"THAT TOTALLY DOES IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! LIKE CHILL OUT, ALREADY!" Aphrodite yelled as she lost her temper, tossing her blonde curls away from her face. "I'm not gonna talk until El Language Barrier's been broken. I'm the Goddess of Love, not a translation service, for Daddy's sake!" She crossed her arms over her chest and tapped her slippered foot on the floor impatiently. "WELL?" she demanded grumpily, turning in Mathesar's direction. "Are you like gonna do something about it or what?"
The shorter Thermian slowly rose to his feet and bowed unsteadily in a gesture of respect. "Of course, Mighty Aphrodite," he squawked hoarsely. He turned towards Teb. "Prepare the intra-dermal hypospray, Teb," Mathesar requested as he swayed back and forth. He placed his feet slightly apart in an effort to steady himself and rubbed his neck.
The taller Thermian rose to his feet, bowed jerkily, and stiffly walked over to the transporter room controls. He lifted up a small, silver colored object and opened it. Using what looked like a pair of very small tweezers to the actors, Teb carefully inserted several tiny computer chips inside the instrument's chamber before closing it. He twisted some dials on the little instrument, nodding as he put it up to his ear and listened for the chips to activate.
Aphrodite's face lit up in a gorgeous grin. "I totally dig you two guys, even though you talk like you've been breathing helium!" She scowled at Xena, who glared back at the Goddess defiantly. "They've got respect, unlike some other mortals I know!"
Xena growled under her breath and experimentally put one foot forward. Her eyes lit up and she took another baby step, then another.
Gabrielle and Joxer happened to notice that Xena was slowly approaching the Goddess, swaying like a drunken sailor, from the corners of their eyes and exchanged worried glances.
"No chakram," Gabrielle mumbled finally, forgetting that she was arguing with the warrior wannabe.
"She's got her sword though," Joxer replied in the same quiet tone, also forgetting their argument at that moment. He slowly managed to lurch to his feet. His knees shook like jelly as he carefully straightened up to his full height and his vision doubled for a couple of seconds before returning to normal. He held his hand in Gabrielle's general direction, swaying back and forth a little. *"C'mon!"* he whispered urgently.
Gabrielle nodded and blearily reached out for Joxer's hand as Teb cautiously began walking towards the two of them, holding the hypospray in his right hand. It took a few tries, but Joxer eventually caught Gabrielle's hand, which was flailing about wildly and quickly pulled her to her feet.
The force of Joxer pulling Gabrielle upright so quickly made her stumble forward so that she landed right against his chest. Gabrielle's eyes widened as her stomach suddenly flipped and before she could stop herself, she gagged loudly and vomited a stream of foul-smelling yellowish colored bile mixed in with chunks of what appeared to be undigested fruit and meat right down the front of Joxer's clothing. It slowly dripped down his ragged shirt, pants, and eventually down to his boots where the excess pooled into a slimy puddle at his feet.
"EWWW! Smelly projectile barfing!" Aphrodite wrinkled her nose up as various exclamations of disgust and horror echoed around the room. The unfortunate mishap even proved to be a temporary distraction for Xena. She stopped her slow progression towards the Goddess and stared at her two friends with a mixture of disgust and sympathy on her face.
"That was like so totally gross!" Aphrodite delicately pinched her nose shut with her thumb and index finger at the smell of the vomit starting to permeate the room and began breathing through her mouth.
Gabrielle panted to catch her breath after the dry heaves stopped and slowly wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She wearily looked up at Joxer and saw that his eyes were closed and his lips set in a tight line. She was about to apologize when Joxer ground out through clenched teeth, "Serves you right!"
"Uh oh! This ain't gonna be pretty," Autolycus muttered as he unsteadily rose to his feet and teetered precariously in the heeled slippers he wore. He swore loudly and kicked a slipper off his foot, almost hitting Mathesar in the head as it went flying across the room. He lost his equilibrium after kicking off the second slipper and fell down with an undignified yelp squarely on his backside.
"What did you say?" Gabrielle asked in a deadly soft voice, her eyes narrowing as she gazed up into Joxer's face.
Joxer's dark brown eyes slowly opened and he gazed down at Gabrielle unflinchingly. "I said that it serves you right! You eat like food's going to be outlawed, for Hades' sake!"
"Why you...!" Gabrielle gasped. She made a wild grab for Joxer's nose and missed by a mile. She made a second attempt and this time Joxer managed to grab her hand, making her blink in surprise.
"Not this time, Gabrielle!" Joxer exclaimed.
Gabrielle's mouth opened and closed a couple of times before she sputtered, "I didn't eat all the breakfast and you know it!"
Joxer rolled his eyes. "If it's not moving and it smells good, it's in your mouth!" he snapped in an accusatory growl even as he began rooting around in his pockets for a rag. He groaned when he reached inside one of his pockets and instead of finding a rag inside, he stuck his hand into a pocket filled with vomit instead. He withdrew his hand and threw the unsavory-smelling contents that had landed inside his pocket onto the floor and wiped his hand against the side of his leg.
"When I woke up this morning, you weren't anywhere in sight and Xena was just finishing up her breakfast!" Gabrielle snapped back, her face turning scarlet.
"Yeah, 'cuz I had to fill the water skins before we left to go to the temple!" Joxer shouted in response, pointing in Aphrodite's general direction. "It wasn't my fault that they were almost empty again and she -" Joxer jerked his thumb towards Xena, who was staring at Aphrodite with a calculating gleam in her eyes again "- was in such a blasted hurry to get to Aphrodite's stupid temple that she wouldn't even let me get something to eat from Argo's pack! We didn't even get a lousy rest break, for crying out loud!" A loud stomach growl accompanied the last sentence.
"Hey! Watch it, Studmuffin!" Aphrodite warned, her voice sounding strange because she still had her nostrils pinched together with her fingers. "Leave me out of your petty arguments - and my temple's not stupid!" The two ignored her and continued their bickering. The Goddess rolled her eyes and sighed.
Normally, Xena would've gone over to her two friends to try and sort things out - or if all else failed, knock them senseless - but she couldn't be bothered this time. There was more important quarry for her to prey upon at the moment.
"APHRODITE, THAT'S IT!" Xena thundered over the racket. She was so distracted by the ruckus that Gabrielle and Joxer were making that she didn't even sense that Teb was standing right next to her. The Thermian quickly shot one of the chips underneath Xena's bare upper arm and did the same to the arguing Gabrielle and Joxer before they even realized what was happening. He then quickly moved away to put a translator in Autolycus' arm.
Autolycus gazed at Teb in stunned silence as the Thermian shot the translator chip underneath his arm's skin, leaving behind a small reddish mark roughly the size of a thumbnail. The Thermian bowed jerkily in a gesture of respect and hastily retreated from Autolycus to briefly check on Mathesar, who blinked and nodded.
"I've put up with..." Xena growled at the Goddess. To the astonished actors still sitting or laying on or around the platform, Xena's speech suddenly changed from something unintelligible to modern-day English. "...enough of your bull today!" Xena's voice lowered to a husky purr and she smiled dangerously. "I haven't had my daily dose of kicking someone's butt into oblivion, so start talking!"
"We're next! I just know it!" Guy whimpered, wincing as he rose to a sitting position.
"SHUT UP!" Gwen, Jason, Tommy, Alexander, and Autolycus yelled. The actors turned in the thief's direction at the sound of his voice and stared at him.
Autolycus gazed back at them in wide-eyed astonishment then looked down at the small reddish mark left behind after Teb shot the translator chip underneath his arm. "That thing... What he did... I can understand you..." he mumbled in sudden realization.
"At least you didn't get it shot inside your ear!" Tommy replied, shuddering at the memory before turning back to the two standing in the middle of the room.
Autolycus blinked in surprise and shook his head before turning around to watch Joxer and Gabrielle continue their argument. The others also watched the two arguing, not realizing that Xena was getting ready to make another attempt to go after the Love Goddess.
Teb, in the meantime, had managed to find a rag used for cleaning tools inside the transporter pad console and he waddled towards the angry bard and the equally furious warrior wannabe, intending to offer assistance with cleaning up. He tentatively reached out and offered the rag to Joxer, smiling.
Joxer saw the Thermian reaching out to him from the corner of his eye with the proffered cloth and he flinched away from the alien as he retorted an angry response to Gabrielle's insult.
Teb gazed at Gabrielle with a smile on his face, ready to offer his assistance. The smile suddenly left his face when he remembered watching past arguments from the 'historical records' - and what usually happened to Joxer during those arguments. He moved several paces away from them, making sure that he was well outside Gabrielle's reach.