A long time ago in a galaxy, far, far... Oops, wrong story...
Several millions of miles away from the Earth, well out of the range of that planet's satellite tracking systems, a large, sleek spaceship orbited. The beings inside the spaceship went about their tasks cheerfully except for two very pale-skinned men standing inside a small metal room. Both men had jet-black hair shaped in short, identical bowl-cuts. They also were dressed in simple, identical one-piece uniforms. The taller of the two men stood behind a console while the shorter man patiently waited a short distance away from his colleague in front of a raised platform.
"Mathesar, Laliari has completed transmission of the coordinates for Commander Taggart and the crew of the Protector," the taller man reported crisply as he gazed down at a monitor.
"Excellent, Teb! Excellent!" Mathesar turned around and smiled. "Activate the transportation system."
"Aye, Mathesar," Teb nodded and pressed some buttons and a lever on the console. A loud humming echoed in the room and on a raised platform, several bright circles glowed with an icy-bright light. "System activated."
"Excellent, Teb. Proceed with the transportation sequence," Mathesar commanded softly, putting his arms behind his back and rocking on the heels of his boots.
Teb pressed some more buttons on the console and gasped in shock when whitish-blue sparks burst from the console. The room flashed white-hot before the two Thermians were momentarily plunged into darkness and then regular power was restored.
"What happened?" Mathesar gasped.
"I do not know, Mathesar!" Teb exclaimed, panicking. Greenish-blue tentacles appeared from his back and the extra appendages pressed buttons and moved levers up and down feverishly. "It seems that that there was an unknown power surge ship-wide." Tentacles continued whirling about madly. "From what Engineering is reporting, it appears that the surge originated from the beryllium power sphere."
"I see," Mathesar whispered, his eyes turning bleak as he stared at the platform. "Have you lost them?"
Teb shook his head. "No, Mathesar."
"Good." Mathesar paused as he turned to gaze at Teb and his eyebrows drew together. "What is wrong?"
Teb bit his lip anxiously and his tentacles drooped. "I am not exactly sure how to explain this, Mathesar."
"What are you saying?" Mathesar grew even more puzzled at his colleague's strange behavior. "You didn't lose the crew of the Protector, but..." he left the rest of the sentence dangling.
Teb's whole body hunched forward. "That is correct, Mathesar. However, it appears that we have somehow picked up five additional beings in the transportation stream," he murmured.
Mathesar's eyes widened to saucer-like proportions. "What? But... How? What happened?"
"I am not certain, but my guess would be that something happened during the unknown power surge in Engineering," Teb replied. He gazed down at the console and frowned. "There is something that is interfering with my readings, Mathesar."
Mathesar quickly turned away from the platform and joined Teb at the console. "What is it?"
Teb sighed. "See this transportation path here?" A tentacle pointed to a screen on the console that showed several squiggly lines in various colors moving towards a vessel, but one line appeared to be very bright and thicker in comparison to the others. "This is an extremely odd power signature. I can only confirm the five additional beings. I cannot confirm who or what they are."
"I see," Mathesar said finally, his voice thick with worry. "All we can do is wait then." Teb nodded in response and the two Thermians fell silent as they waited to see who - and what would appear on the transporter platform.
Oh gods, oh gods... Joxer's mind babbled over and over as he shot through the blackness of outer space, his mind barely comprehending what was happening to him. His head spun at what his eyes were seeing. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest. The sound of blood rushing through his ears echoed dully and his breathing was shallow and rapid. He couldn't even scream - he found that he was completely incapable of making any noise. Calm down, you idiot! he thought to himself, closing his eyes for a moment in an effort to do just that.
Joxer's eyes re-opened when another thought entered his head and turned his stomach upside down - something that scared him more than anything else that had ever happened to him throughout all the adventures he ever had with Xena and Gabrielle. Gabrielle... Xena... What's going to happen when we get to wherever we're supposed to be going? Xena's going to be pissed off like no tomorrow... He closed his eyes again and swallowed hard, his imagination going into overdrive.
STOP IT! Joxer thought desperately. His eyes widened when he saw what appeared to be a large, metallic object drifting in the dark, star-filled sky. Gods, what in Hades IS that thing? Some type of vessel? Before any other thought could cross through his thoroughly befuddled mind, a bright, blinding light emerged from the object and engulfed his goo-covered body. He felt himself get jerked forward and he could see no more.
Joxer found himself standing on top of what appeared to be a metal platform. The goo that engulfed his body while he was in Aphrodite's temple suddenly came off him with a loud, squishy noise and disappeared into the same round circle of light that mysteriously appeared underneath his feet. He exhaled a huge whoosh of air that he didn't realize he had been holding with a loud gasp.
"J-J-Joxer! L-little b-b-buddy!" It was Autolycus, he realized distantly. Joxer's eyes moved in the direction of Autolycus' voice and he saw a very disheveled Goddess of Love and an equally stunned-looking King of Thieves standing on the far end of the platform. "D-d-don't m-move!" the taller man wheezed, teeth chattering as he shivered violently.
It was then that the shaking began. It started with Joxer's teeth chattering loudly. Then, his knees started trembling and soon his whole body felt like he was standing in the middle of an earthquake. He heard a loud noise seconds later and a goo-covered Gabrielle appeared next to him, shortly followed by Xena standing in front of him. He wasn't able to see the dark-haired woman's face, and he felt a strange sense of relief that he couldn't. He watched as the goo dissolved from their bodies and disappeared into the floor.
Before Joxer or Autolycus could stammer out a warning, both women began shaking violently. "J-J-J-Joxer! W-wh-where a-a-are w-w-we?" Gabrielle stuttered through wildly chattering teeth.
"I-I-I d-don't k-know..." Joxer tried to reply and watched in amazement as several people suddenly appeared on the platform, all dressed in similar one-piece outfits and covered in goo. He saw two women appear. One of the women was tall and blonde and the other one was a bit shorter with shiny black shoulder-length hair. Three men showed up a moment later. Finally, a sixth and final person appeared on the platform. Joxer saw that this last arrival looked like a man for the most part, but he had a very odd-looking, bald and almost lizard-like head with purple gills at the side of his face. Is that some kind of a monster? Joxer thought, beginning to panic again.
Joxer quickly averted his eyes in an effort to calm himself down and saw two very pale-skinned men with jet-black hair walking towards them with very stiff movements. It almost looked like they were just learning to walk, he thought to himself. His stomach flipped at the huge, almost face-splitting smiles both men wore on their faces. They look WAY too happy about all of this...
Joxer also saw that they were also dressed in the same clothing as the six others that appeared on the platform. He continued shivering as the short man with dark, curly hair and the pale, dark-haired woman stepped off the platform, seemingly unaffected by what happened to them. His eyebrows drew together in worry when the man who stepped off the platform spoke in a strange language.
"Man, that was so cool!" Fred exclaimed with a grin as Mathesar and Teb approached him and Laliari. She tapped Fred on the shoulder and pointed at the platform. He turned around and he blinked when he saw the five additional people. "Oh. Like wow."
"F-for a s-s-s-so c-c-called a-a-advanced sp-species of b-b-beings, th-their m-m-mode o-o-of t-t-t-transportation r-r-really s-s-sucks!" Tommy muttered under his breath. His dark eyes widened when he saw who else was there besides his friends. "H-H-H-Hey! D-d-did a-a-anybody h-h-happen t-t-t-to k-k-know a-a-anything a-a-about a r-r-reunion m-m-movie?"
"Welcome home, Laliari," Mathesar greeted his colleague warmly, speaking in a high-pitched voice, blissfully unaware of Tommy's comments. "Tech Sergeant Chen, a pleasure as always." Fred nodded, a tiny smile on his lips.
"Thank you, Mathesar." Laliari bowed her head slightly in a gesture of respect. "It's good to see you and Teb."
The two Thermians nodded in acknowledgment and Mathesar stiffly turned in Jason's direction. His smile grew wider, if that was possible. "Welcome, Commander Taggart! It is truly a pleasure to see you and the brave crew of the NSEA Protector again."
"Th-th-thanks, M-M-Mathesar," Jason stuttered, trying to return the smile and failing miserably at it.
Mathesar bowed in a jerky motion as a gesture of respect and turned to Teb, who walked over to stand next to him, his eyes wide with wonder as he gazed at Xena, then at Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus and Aphrodite. "Mathesar, this is better than what we ever could have hoped for!" the taller Thermian gasped, his voice filled with awe as they turned back to Xena.
"Yes, Teb. This is truly a miracle!" Mathesar replied, his head nodding rapidly in agreement. Xena's ice-blue eyes glinted with anger as she glared down at the two men staring up at her with what could only be called expressions of worship on their faces.
"Wh-what's w-w-with t-the sh-short g-g-g-guy's v-v-voice? And w-why are th-they moving l-like th-th-they have a l-load in th-their d-drawers?" Autolycus stuttered. His eyes caught Gwen's and he made his best effort to smile charmingly through still wildly chattering teeth. "W-w-well hello, p-p-pretty l-lady!" Gwen stared back at him with a completely confused expression on her face, not understanding a single word he said.
Gabrielle's eyes rolled up in disgust as she continued shivering. "I-I d-d-don't b-b-believe you! Y-y-you're fl-fl-flirting at a-a-a t-t-time l-like t-this?" Her head slowly turned in her dark-haired friend's direction. "X-Xena?" she asked in a husky voice. She then turned her head in Jason's direction, wincing as the room spun a few times before stopping. "W-who a-a-are y-y-you?" she stammered. "Wh-what's g-g-going on?" she demanded.
Jason's eyes widened at the bard's words, a sour taste beginning to fill his mouth. "W-wh-what t-the h-h-hell are they s-s-saying?" he asked.
"S-s-s-sounds li-li-like Gr-Gr-Greek to m-m-me," Guy volunteered.
"Th-that's b-b-because i-it is Gr-Greek, y-y-you twit!" Alexander managed to spit out through chattering teeth.
"Well, like DUH! I could have told you that!" Aphrodite exclaimed in English, slowly getting off the platform to stand next to Fred. She tossed her disheveled curls back and put her hands on her hips, first glaring at Mathesar and Teb then turning back to the rest of the people still shivering on the platform. "This is so totally not cool!" she huffed, switching back to Greek. She wrinkled her nose and snapped her fingers. Pink sparkles enveloped the Goddess and she laughed throatily as her disheveled appearance changed back to her normal, perfectly groomed self, right down to a fresh manicure. "Ahhh! That's much better!" she giggled.
"Oh m-m-my G-G-G-God! B-But h-how? I-I-It's imposs... T-t-they c-c-c-can't b-b-be f-f-f-for..." Gwen whispered, eyes widening in sudden realization. From the corner of her eye, she saw Xena's hand slowly edging towards her chakram. It took a few tries, but the raven-haired woman was eventually able to grip and remove it from where it hung at her hip.
"Uh, that could be a bit of a problem. Just an FYI," Fred observed. He pointed at the transporter platform as Xena's arm slowly rose up.
"Huh? Like what are you talking about?" Aphrodite turned in the direction Fred was pointing in and her blue eyes widened to saucers. She held her hands out and a bright, pink light shot from her hands just as Xena's arm, which was trembling wildly, moved back and she threw the duel chakram with the remaining strength she managed to muster. The bolt that emitted from the Love Goddess' fingers stopped in mid-air and disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the faint smell of roses in its wake. "What the...?" She quickly held up her hands again to shoot another bolt in Xena's direction but this time, nothing happened.
"OH, SHI... LOOK OUT!" Aphrodite yelled as she shoved Fred and Laliari away from her, switching to Greek and repeating the command in English. The chakram broke in half and the two pieces ricocheted around the metal room, sparks flying before it re-formed and landed in Xena's hand before falling to the floor from her fingers with a clang.
With a loud yell, Xena lurched unsteadily from the platform before anyone could react and tackled Mathesar to the floor. She immediately applied the pinch to the Thermian and leaned down to hiss in his ear, "I-I-I've j-j-just c-cut off t-the flow o-o-of b-blood..." She stopped talking when she realized the man underneath her wasn't trying to gasp for air and reapplied it. Nothing. She tried a third time and nothing happened again. In fact, he was smiling at her. She snarled and her shaking hands went towards Mathesar's neck for a chokehold.
"G-go g-g-get h-him, X-Xena!" Autolycus hollered from the safety of the platform. "G-g-give 'im w-w-w-w-what f-f-f-for!"
"X-X-Xena, no!" Gabrielle and Joxer yelled, both of them dizzily lurching forward at the same time in an effort to stop her. Jason finally sprang into action and lurched forward at the same time, bumping into Joxer, who in turn bumped into Gabrielle. Alexander let out a hoarse cry as he was pushed off balance, knocking into Gwen, who in turn fell into Tommy. They fell to the side like dominoes as Gabrielle, Joxer, and Jason fell off the platform and landed about a foot away from an absolutely enraged Xena and the extremely puzzled Thermian in a tangle of limbs, Gabrielle landing on top of Joxer. Joxer landed on top of Jason, taking his breath away.
The warrior wannabe howled in agony when Gabrielle's elbows jabbed painfully into his stomach as she rolled away and landed next to him with a thud. "S-s-sorry, J-J-Joxer," the bard wheezed. She closed her eyes as the room began spinning.
Joxer slowly realized that he was lying on top of the stranger that tried to help the two of them stop Xena and rolled off him. Jason yelled at the top of his lungs as Joxer's knee hit his groin when the lanky warrior wannabe attempted to stand up and failed, falling down in a heap next to Gabrielle. Gabrielle, Joxer and Jason lay on the floor, moaning softly.
In the meantime, Gwen, Tommy, and Alexander tried to untangle themselves from where they had fallen together in a heap on the platform. Guy and Autolycus, who were standing on opposite ends of the platform, watched silently in wide-eyed amazement.
"Have I done something to offend you, O Warrior Princess?" Mathesar asked just as Xena's hands finally went around his neck after a couple of aborted attempts. "I... ACK!" he gurgled when her grip tightened.
"Yo! Warrior Chick! Chill!" Aphrodite yelled. "Now's not the time to go into berserker mode! Take the hands off Paleface!"
"X-X-Xena, A-A-Aphrod-d-d-dite's r-r-r-right! S-S-Stop it!" Gabrielle exclaimed, trying to sit up. The strange metal room began spinning again and she decided that it was better taking it and the equally strange-looking people inside the room lying down.
Joxer didn't even bother attempting to get up or say anything. He continued lying on the floor, still wincing from Gabrielle's sharp elbow jabs. His eyes widened when the taller of the two pale-faced men waddled - there was simply no other word in Greek that he could think of to describe the man's manner of walking - over to stand next to him. The man's head jerked down to face him and he flashed a huge grin in the warrior wannabe's direction and then said something unintelligible. Joxer stared up at him helplessly, teeth chattering as the man continued smiling beatifically down at him.
"X-X-XENA!" Gabrielle called out when she saw from the corner of her eye that Xena hadn't removed her chokehold around the shorter man's neck.
"A-a-all r-r-right!" Xena reluctantly released her hold around Mathesar's neck and moved away from him while he sat up, gasping for air. She continued shivering violently as she gazed up at Aphrodite. "Y-you h-have s-s-something to d-d-do w-w-with th-this!" she stuttered in an accusing tone. "Th-this h-h-has y-y-you w-written a-all o-o-over th-th-the p-p-place!" she spat.
"The Complaint Department opens at dawn, Warrior Chick. Until then - zip it!" Aphrodite snapped in exasperation. Xena's eyes narrowed and her lips pursed open to say something. "I mean it!" Aphrodite added in, turning away from Xena and shaking her head in disgust. She noticed Guy staring down at Xena and Gabrielle with his mouth ajar and she chuckled throatily. "Uh, you're drooling, Mustache Man. Totally unattractive."
Tommy rolled his eyes as Guy continued staring before he managed to shut his mouth. His lips moved soundlessly for several moments until he finally managed to say in a high-pitched squeak, "Y-you... Th-them? The r-r-real th-thing?"
Aphrodite giggled. "Yep. You're looking at one hundred percent genuine Greek Goddess of Love, Warrior Princess and Bardly One," she nodded in confirmation. "Oh yeah - and that's the real Studmuffin on the floor and the King of Dweebs over there too, by the way," she added in, jerking her thumb in Autolycus' direction.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b..." Guy's eyes rolled up and he fell to the floor in a dead faint with a blissful expression on his face - right on top of Tommy, effectively pinning him.
"I-idiot," Alexander rumbled from where he was lying. "S-s-someone b-b-better st-start e-e-explaining w-what t-the b-b-b-bloody h-hell is g-g-going on here!"
"N-N-NEVER M-M-MIND E-E-EXPLAINING! S-S-S-SOME-B-B-BODY G-G-GET TH-TH-THIS O-O-O-OVERGROWN OX O-O-OFF M-M-ME!" Tommy yelled.
"Wh-wh-what happened to him?" Autolycus asked, his teeth finally stopping their ferocious chattering but he still shivered violently. He took an experimental step forward, lost his equilibrium, teetered precariously in the heeled slippers and fell down on his backside with an undignified thump. "OW!" he whimpered softly.
"Babe worship overload," Aphrodite answered dryly as she smirked at the King of Thieves, who was vainly trying not to show he was in severe pain. "It happens."