CHARACTER LIST FOR "GALAXY QUEST":

Jason Nesmith, Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart of the NSEA Protector
Alexander Dane, Dr. Lazarus of Tev'Mek (the alien, Spock-like character)
Gwen De Marco, Lt. Tawny Madison (the sex symbol)
Fred Kwan, Tech Sgt. Chen (ship's engineer)
Tommy Webber, Lt. Laredo (ship's navigator)
Guy Fleegman, originally a guy hosting a sci-fi convention who inadvertently was taken along for the ride, now Crewman Number 6

Thermians:
Mathesar, leader of the Thermians
Teb
Laliari
Quellek (deceased)

Rating: PG-13
Violence/Language: No worse than what's seen or heard in an episode of Xena.
Summary: Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer get a little bit more than what they bargained for when they attempt to stop a series of thefts at one of Aphrodite's temples.
Subtext: None.
Spoilers: Season Five through "Kindred Spirits" with the exception that Hercules did not kill Zeus in "God Fearing Child." A truce between the gods and Xena was worked out instead. There are brief references to the show finishing its six-year run.
Timeline: AU. This story takes place approximately two and a half years after "Kindred Spirits" - the real last episode of the series. Denial - it's not just a river in Egypt anymore. :-P
Author's Notes: A special thank you to my beta-reader, Virginia Carper, for her suggestions, ideas, and comments.

Ancient Greece:

"Can anybody please tell me why we're doing this again?" Gabrielle mumbled unhappily as she and Xena rode towards Aphrodite's temple, Joxer walking alongside Horse with a thoughtful expression on his face.

Xena's eyes sparkled with barely suppressed amusement as she turned to gaze at her friend. "You've been grumbling about this mission ever since we left Eve with Mother two days ago, Gabrielle. What's your problem? It's not that time of..." she left the sentence dangling.

Gabrielle sighed and stared ahead resolutely. "No - it's not even close. It's just that every time we get involved in Aphrodite's business, something crazy happens."

"Tell the truth, Gabrielle. You mean that something crazy happens to you or Joxer," Xena snickered. "Where's your sense of adventure?"

"There's nothing wrong with my sense of adventure! I've never been one to shy away from going on quests, no matter how simple or difficult they turn out to be!" Gabrielle's eyes rolled up in exasperation. "I just don't like being used as a plaything for the gods, that's all," the bard growled under her breath as she spurred Horse ahead.

"Riiiiiight," Xena drawled, eyebrows arching up underneath her bangs as she watched Gabrielle ride ahead to the temple's entrance before looking down at her other companion. "You've been unusually quiet, Joxer," she said in an attempt to draw him from his reverie. There was no response from the warrior wannabe. "Joxer," Xena repeated, getting the same results. She rolled her eyes and leaned down so that her mouth was inches away from his ear. "JOXER!"

"AHHHH!" Joxer yelled, almost falling over in surprise, his homemade armor making a discordant melody as he straightened himself up. Startled deep brown eyes focused in on steely ice blue eyes. "What?" His mobile lips twisted up into a pout.

Xena exhaled loudly. "What's going on with you today? It's bad enough I have to deal with Miss Grouch up ahead, but the silent treatment from you is too much."

Joxer's face grew expressionless. "Nothing's the matter. I do like to think on occasion, Xena." He stomped ahead to join Gabrielle, leaving the warrior princess to stare at his back in astonishment.

"Great! Just great! Both of them got up on the wrong side of the bedroll this morning," Xena growled under her breath and a sour taste grew in her mouth. "C'mon girl," she urged Argo on. The golden mare snorted in reply and Xena sighed, "Oh, not you too."

Xena rode up to the temple's entrance and halted Argo. She jumped down from the golden-haired mare with her customary grace and gazed at her two friends. Gabrielle stared back defiantly while Joxer's eyes remained fixed to the ground. "That does it!" Xena snarled finally, reaching forward and grabbing Joxer by the collar of his ragged shirt and Gabrielle by the arm. Joxer's eyes widened in fear and Gabrielle futilely tried to pull away from the taller woman's grasp.

"Let go, Xena!" Gabrielle yelled, trying to pull away from her much taller and stronger friend. "OW!" she yelped when Xena's grasp tightened tenfold before she pushed them both away from her. Gabrielle rubbed her arm, wincing while Joxer barely managed to keep himself from falling over.

"I don't know what's going on with the two of you, but I want this nonsense to stop now! Joxer, take off that damn armor of yours. You make enough noise to wake the dead with all that squeaking and clanging, for Hades' sake," Xena growled.

"But Xena..." the warrior wannabe began to protest and immediately snapped his mouth shut when he saw her face. Thinking it wiser to keep silent rather than get drop kicked into the next village, he quickly removed his armor and helmet, throwing it on the ground with a loud, angry clatter.

Xena stared at her two friends with hands on her hips, shaking her head and wondering what was bothering them this time. She mentally counted to XX before she could speak calmly. "All right. Joxer, I want you to check and see that there's no temple priests around. If you happen to find any, take them outside and make sure they stay out of the way. If you don't find anybody, I want you to wait in the vestibule until you hear my signal. Any questions?" she finished briskly.

"No," Joxer shook his head fiercely.

"Good. Gabrielle, you're with me," Xena added in. The trio walked up the stairs and opened the heavy doors, entering the temple in silence.

"Good luck, you two," Joxer murmured before they split up in the foyer.

"Thanks," Xena nodded. "You too."

Joxer unsheathed his sword and walked down the corridor in the direction of the temple's vestibule while the two women entered the altar room. "Do you think the informant that we found in the village was right that this temple's the next one to be hit?" Gabrielle murmured as she squatted behind a pillar.

"I hope so. Otherwise, we've been taken for suckers." Xena's lips thinned and her eyebrows drew together. "And I don't like being taken for a sucker - especially by a little weasel."

Joxer walked along the corridor, his sword drawn. His eyes darted back and forth as he watched for any sign of movement. "You! Stop right there!" Joxer shouted when a robed figure walked from a room a few doors down from where he was standing.

The person turned around and revealed that he was a man that appeared to be around Joxer's age and height. Gray eyes widened in surprise when the stranger saw the lanky warrior wannabe standing in the hallway with a determined expression on his face. "Who are you?" the man asked.

"I'm Joxer, Joxer the Mighty. Perhaps you've heard of me?" Joxer asked, straightening his posture.

"No," the man replied.

Joxer closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "I work with Xena and Gabrielle. Ever hear of them?"

"Ah, yes!" The man nodded and smiled at the mention of the warrior princess and the bard. "We received word that they would be here tonight," he continued. "And your name is... Jerkster?"

"No. Joxer. That's J-O-X-E-R," the warrior wannabe spelled his name out. "I'm supposed to make sure that nobody's in the temple while my friends try to catch the thief who's been stealing," Joxer explained patiently. "Now, who are you?" he demanded, waving his sword in the air in what he hoped was an appropriately menacing motion.

The man sighed in relief. "Ah, good! I'm Stavros, the head priest of this temple. All the other priests left so that Xena can do her work without interruption," he said as he walked over to Joxer.

"Why didn't you meet us at the temple entrance then, if you're supposedly the head priest?" Joxer asked suspiciously.

Stavros sighed and shook his head. "Dear boy, there are some duties that my Goddess does not wish to have neglected, even when a potential thief is lurking about. Tonight is the only night of the year where the stars are perfectly aligned for one of my Goddess' most sacred rituals and nothing must interfere with it," he informed the warrior wannabe condescendingly.

Joxer rolled his eyes but kept silent as he slowly lowered his sword. Stavros gazed at the warrior wannabe with a raised eyebrow for a moment before he spoke again. "Follow me. There's an exit just down this way," he said as he pointed down the hall. Joxer nodded and the two walked down the corridor and outside into the early evening light. "So, what do we do now?" Stavros asked curiously.

"We wait until Xena calls for us," Joxer replied, watching for any signs of someone entering the building. "Let's walk over to the other side and see if there's any signs of anyone trying to get in from one of the other side entrances," Joxer threw over his shoulder as he started walking. The priest followed him, also looking around. The two men never noticed a figure clothed from head to toe in black slip from the shadows, put a grappling hook into the temple's stone wall and begin climbing.

A rope dropped down from the temple skylight, the end stopping a few feet away from the floor. Two pairs of eyes watched intently as a tall and slender man wearing a black cloth mask over his face with his back to them quickly begin lowering himself down to the floor. Gabrielle turned her head towards Xena and the warrior princess nodded slightly.

Gabrielle slowly rose to her feet and began moving into the main part of the temple, sais at the ready while making sure she stayed out of sight. Xena did the same, quietly withdrawing her chakram. When the man was about halfway to the floor, she let out a yell and sent the weapon flying. The duel chakram pieces cut through the rope, hit against a column, pieced back together and landed in her hand.

"AUGH!" an all-too familiar voice screamed out as he dropped to the floor. The two women rolled their eyes as they walked up to the would-be thief, who was writhing around the floor in agony.

"Hello Autolycus," Xena said dryly, reaching down to snatch the cloth from his face. "Nice of you to drop in."

The King of Thieves moaned, "Very funny, Xena! Couldn't you have at least waited until I was pretty close to the ground before you decided to have at it with your round killing thing?"

"Nope. It's more fun this way," Xena snickered as she reached out again to help him to his feet. Autolycus refused the proffered hand by slapping it away and slowly rose to his feet, hissing painfully as he straightened himself up to full height. He glared at the two women, who wore self-satisfied smirks as they watched him rub his back.

"You'd think that serving a six-month stint in jail would have cured you of your light fingers!" Gabrielle scoffed as she re-sheathed her sais. "Actually, you're lucky you didn't get more - or get your hands cut off."

"Nice to see you too, Gabrielle! Besides, I was performing charity work," Autolycus retorted indignantly as he brushed imaginary dust from his clothing.

"Really. What sort of charity work?" Xena asked, rewarding him with 'the look.'

Autolycus finished brushing himself off. "Well, charity does begin at home..." he grinned sheepishly, stroking his chin. "So, where's the kid and..."

Autolycus' sentence was cut short by Joxer's yell of, "GABRIELLE!" That was followed by the warrior wannabe running into the altar room at top speed with sword drawn. He immediately collided into a life-size porcelain statue of the Love Goddess. He and it went crashing to the floor, the statue breaking into several pieces and Joxer ending up flat on his back, temporarily knocking himself out. The others ducked as Joxer's sword went flying over their heads and landed on the floor near the altar with a loud clatter.

"...the dork," Autolycus finished with a smirk. "I see he still has no fashion sense."

"Gabrielle..." Xena trailed off. Gabrielle nodded, walked over to Joxer and knelt down next to him, sighing as she checked him over for cuts.

Stavros rushed inside the altar room and shrieked in dismay at the sight of the broken statue. "YOU CLUMSY FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he bellowed at Joxer's prone form.

Xena whirled around, chakram at the ready. "Who in Hades are you?" she asked, a sneer curling her lips.

Stavros drew himself up haughtily. "I'm the head priest of this temple and this... idiot... has profaned it! Look at what he's done to that statue!" He saw Autolycus and his already pink face grew scarlet. "You! You've been stealing from my Goddess' temples!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Autolycus rolled his eyes, dismissing the priest with a wave of his hand. "Good grief. Does Aphrodite actually select these nitwits to head up her temples? She really needs to rethink her hiring policies." Stavros' face rapidly headed towards the violet spectrum as he sputtered angrily.

Xena shrugged her shoulders and turned around when Joxer groaned loudly. "Did anybody get the license number of that chariot that ran me over?" he asked weakly as he cautiously rose to a sitting position, putting his hand to the side of his head.

Gabrielle stood up, gazed down the slightly disoriented warrior wannabe with a frown and offered her hand to him. "Joxer, don't you ever look where you're going?" she asked in an exasperated voice. "Are you all right? Why didn't you wait for Xena's signal?"

"I think I'm okay," Joxer blinked several times to re-focus his eyes before he looked up into Gabrielle's face. "I've got a hard head - should be used to crashing into things by now," he smiled sheepishly. Gabrielle's face softened and she returned the smile.

Joxer took the offered hand in his and pulled himself to his feet with Gabrielle's help, staggering a bit until he got his balance. "I heard screaming and I thought you guys were in trouble..." Joxer paused when he saw Autolycus watching the two of them with a self-satisfied smirk and his face soured. "Oh, it's you..." Joxer rolled his eyes and moaned when he saw the damage he had caused. "Oh man, Aphrodite's gonna kill me!"

"Hey, don't be so excited to see me and all that, little buddy," the King of Thieves grumbled. "Besides, I have to make a living somehow..."

"Not by stealing from my temples, you don't!" retorted Aphrodite, appearing from a series of pink and gold sparkles. She scowled at Autolycus, who bowed gallantly. "Save it, Slick!" she snapped before turning to the three standing next to the altar. "Heya Xena, Gabrielle and Studmuffin!" she squealed with a cheeky wink. "Good to see ya!"

"My Goddess!" Stavros dropped to his knees and prostrated himself before her.

Aphrodite rolled her eyes. "Like, take a chill pill, Stavros! What are you doing in here anyway? Don't you have something more important to do - like continue performing that ritual? Remember the all the stars in the galaxy perfectly aligned once a year business? Does that ring a bell?"

Joxer groaned, hiding his face with his hands. "Did you have to mention that?"

"Whoops! Sorry, Studmuffin!" Aphrodite turned around and waved her arms at Stavros in dismissal. "You heard me - make like a bunny and hop!" The priest stared up at his Goddess, stunned. Aphrodite rolled her eyes again and leaned down. Stavros' eyes almost popped from his head and his jaw dropped in awe. "Let me spell it out for you: take a hike before I make you fall in love with a cow again! 'Kay?" She reached out and gently pushed his jaw shut. Dumbly, the priest rose to his feet, bowed respectfully and exited the altar room hastily. "That's much better!" the Love Goddess giggled as she straightened up. "Like I was saying before, good to see ya!"

Joxer's cheeks tinged pink as the women murmured hellos. "Hi Aphrodite," he mumbled. "Sorry about that," he pointed to the broken statue.

"Aw, no sweat, cutie. That wasn't one of my favorite likenesses anyway," Aphrodite dismissed it with a tiny gesture and the pieces disappeared into the ether. "See? All better! Now I can have another one commissioned!" she cooed. "Maybe I can have it made in solid gold this time..." she mused.

The Goddess then turned back to Autolycus and placed her hands on her shapely hips, wrinkling her nose in distaste. "Why doesn't anybody steal the damned smelly, stinky fish, for Daddy's sake? I wouldn't care about that, but nooooo, it has to be the good stuff! The idea is that you're supposed to please the God or Goddess you worship with something that's so totally cool - the more expensive, the better!" She stamped a slippered foot for emphasis on the temple floor. "I suppose I should be happy that Stavros is off doing job now. Otherwise I'd be getting this speech about some poor schlep being so upset over not having someone to love that the dude gives whatever he can get his paws on, yadda, yadda, yadda..." She rolled her eyes. "As if!"

"If it would make any difference to you, my favorite goddess, I'd steal the fish if I was hungry," Autolycus rewarded her with his most dashing smile. Xena and Gabrielle exchanged glances as the Love Goddess mimed a gagging motion. Joxer watched with his arms folded over his chest and shook his head, looking more disgusted by the moment.

"Yeah, sure you would, along with everything else you can get in your light-fingered paws and stuff in your pockets. Like whatever!" Aphrodite exclaimed.

Autolycus grinned and bowed again. "Well, that's settled then! I'll just be on my way... Hey! I can't move!" he exclaimed in surprise when he attempted walking away and discovered that he couldn't lift his feet from the ground. "Aw, c'mon! I didn't mean it, honest! Cut it out!" he whined.

"You know, this may turn out to be a better end to the day than I first thought it was going to be," Gabrielle murmured in an aside to Xena as a tiny grin graced her lips.

"You may be right about that, Gabrielle," Xena returned. Her lips pursed together in amusement as she watched Autolycus continue his unsuccessful attempts to free himself from whatever held him in position on the floor.

Aphrodite giggled at the thief's predicament and tossed her curls back. "No way, sweet cheeks! I've so got plans for you..." She sauntered over to the now-sweating thief, hips swaying as she moved forward.

"Definitely better," Gabrielle's grin widened and her eyes sparkled in anticipation of witnessing whatever punishment the Goddess felt fit to mete out to the immobile would-be thief.

"That's just because you're not the target of her wrath this time," Xena pointed out. "Enchanted scrolls, anyone?" she added in drolly. Gabrielle mumbled under her breath and Joxer hid his face with his hands, moaning softly.

"You look a little nervous, Slick. Wonder why..." Aphrodite purred throatily, running a well-manicured fingernail idly down Autolycus' cheek. Autolycus gulped audibly and attempted another grin that rapidly turned into an uneasy grimace as Aphrodite pressed up against him, chest heaving. "I promise I won't hurt a hair on your handsome head." Pink sparkles started shooting from the hand that caressed his face.

"OW! That stings!" the thief yelled, flinching. "Hey! What are you doing to me?!" he squeaked as the sparkles surrounded the two of them.

Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer watched with interest as sparkles continued to surround Autolycus and the Goddess of Love. The sparkles grew to a blinding light and they had to shield their eyes from the resulting glare. When the light cleared away a minute or so later, Joxer's jaw dropped in complete astonishment at what he saw once his eyes re-adjusted to normal. "Oh my gods..." he mumbled finally. He put a hand over his mouth to cover a huge grin.

Gabrielle blinked several times, not quite believing what she was seeing at first. "Autolycus?" she whispered finally. A soft snort emerged from Xena, who was vainly trying not to burst into loud laughter. Gabrielle turned in Joxer's direction and she saw that he was shaking with silent giggles, deep brown eyes filled with tears of mirth.

"What's so damn funny?" Autolycus asked, puzzled. He blinked hard, still seeing stars before his eyes.

"Autolycus, you've outdone yourself this time. I've never seen you look so good, in all honesty. Blue really is your color," Xena replied dryly, lips twitching in amusement.

"What are you talking about? I'm not wear...ing..." Autolycus blinked a few more times and looked down. "AAAAHHH!" he screamed when he saw that he was dressed in an exact replica of Aphrodite's outfit right down to the slippers - in baby blue. The hapless thief immediately grabbed the see-through robe and drew it over his chest in a futile effort to cover himself up. Gabrielle lost it completely, clutching her stomach as she doubled over, howling with laughter. "Hey, it's not funny!" Gabrielle laughed even harder at that, holding onto Joxer's arm for support as she guffawed.

The mortified thief turned back to the grinning Aphrodite. "Aw, come on! It was just a few baubles and things! Nothing much! No big deal!" Autolycus whimpered. He assayed another grin. "Come on! Can't we just let bygones be bygones?"

"Just a few baubles and things? Nothing much? No big deal? Nuh uh! Don't think you're going to try to sweet-talk me out of this one, Slick!" Aphrodite retorted. She licked her lips in anticipation. "This is just the start of my punishment. Let's see: where could I send you dressed like that?" she rubbed her hands together.

"How about sending him to Jace's dance troupe?" Gabrielle suggested through her giggles.

"Naw. 'Sides, he's already been that route with Salmoneous," Aphrodite dismissed the suggestion with a wave of her hand. The three exchanged startled glances and stared at the Goddess. "Oh, you didn't know about Slick's professional dancing debut with the Widow Twanky's group... It's quite the story," she giggled. She gazed at the now-squirming King of Thieves with a critical eye. "Hmmm, let me see..."

"Why don't you send him to a Spartan army camp?" Joxer growled suddenly.

"Hey! What did I ever do to you?" Autolycus yelled. Joxer raised his eyebrows and the thief smiled weakly. "Oh yeah, how could I forget? I don't suppose it'll help if I say I'm sorry for saying all those things, huh?" Joxer stared at Autolycus, frowning. "Guess not. I don't get it, not one bit. After all she's done to the three of you, you're still helping her out? Talk about twisted..." Autolycus shook his head in disbelief. "Sheesh!"

"Studmuffin, I want to humiliate him, not have him killed," Aphrodite sighed, turning briefly in Joxer's direction before turning back to Autolycus. "Besides, not that it's any of your business, Slick, but I was the one who got it so that Daddy, Cow Face and the rest of the family didn't do anything to Xena's cute little rug-rat!"

"I scratch your back, you scratch mine? Is that the ticket, sister?" Autolycus sneered.

"Oh, that was not a good to thing to say," Joxer observed. "What's a rug-rat?"

"That does it!" Aphrodite stamped her foot and she moved a few paces away from the still-immobile thief. "You're so gonna get it now, smart mouth!" Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer immediately backed away several steps as sparkles started coming from the Goddess' fingers again.

"I take it back! I didn't mean it! Really! I swear!" Autolycus held his hands up in an effort to shield his eyes from the glow emanating from the angry Goddess.

"Tell me another one, Slick!" Aphrodite yelled, the glow surrounding her increasing in intensity.

"Stop calling me Slick!" Autolycus yelled back.

"Truth hurts, doesn't it?" Aphrodite taunted.

"Wow. She's really mad," Joxer said, eyes wide.

"Maybe we should move back some more," Gabrielle said uneasily. "Better yet, let's leave!"

"Good idea, Gabrielle. She's so angry that she might miss him and get us instead," Xena agreed. She started turning around and discovered that she was rooted to the spot and a round white circle of light appeared underneath her feet.

"Xena, I think Aphrodite already got us!" Joxer exclaimed with an audible panicked note to his voice.

"What?" Xena looked at her friends and saw that they were in the same predicament that she was in. "Hey! You want to tone down whatever you're doing over there?" she called out to the angry Goddess.

"Huh?" The glow around the Goddess disappeared and Autolycus heaved a sigh of relief, his body sagging forward. "Not so fast, Slick! That's a just temporary reprieve!" she snapped. "What are you talking about, Xena?"

Xena tried moving her feet and found she was still stuck to the floor. The white circle of light under her feet glowed brightly. She saw that the circles underneath Joxer and Gabrielle's feet also started to glow. "Aphrodite, what have you done?" she yelled.

"Nothing! I swear!" Aphrodite turned around and discovered that she couldn't move her feet and that there was a circle of light where she stood on the floor. "What the heck is that?" she muttered.

"That's not your mojo?" Autolycus asked, frowning at the circle that also mysteriously appeared underneath his feet.

"Uh like - no!" Aphrodite exclaimed. "At least I don't think so," she added in under her breath. She held her hands down towards her feet, spreading out her fingers. "Let's see if this'll work," she said. A single spark shot from her fingers, then nothing. "What the?"

"What's wrong?" Xena yelled. Her eyes grew wide when she saw a clear blue gooey substance emerge from the light, surround her feet and rapidly go up her legs. "APHRODITE! YOU BETTER FIX THIS!" She turned around at the sound of Gabrielle and Joxer's cries and saw with alarm that the same blue substance was almost up to their waists.

"Something's really screwed up 'cuz I've shorted out! This is so not my fault, I swear!" Aphrodite yelled.

Xena turned in Aphrodite and Autolycus' direction and saw they were being covered up by the stuff too. The two were trying to push the substance away from their bodies without success. "Eww! This is so gross!" were Aphrodite's last words before the goo covered her. A panic-stricken Autolycus was covered a moment later and the two disappeared from the temple in a flash of light.

"XENA!" Gabrielle screamed.

Xena's head whipped around just in time to see her two friends completely covered in goo, staring at her with frightened eyes before they too disappeared in the same manner. A second later, she was enveloped the blue substance too. The last thing Xena saw before the light temporarily blinded her was the altar room and Stavros running inside, screaming something that she couldn't hear.

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