Rating: PG to be on the safe side
Summary: When Joxer breaks a tooth, he gets more than what he bargained for when he decides to do something about it.
Timeline: AU Season 7 - no 25 year jump and the events of "God Fearing Child" did not take place. Welcome to Denialville. It's a nice place to be ;-).
Author's Notes: This is my way too-long response to Xedra's "Joxer Has a Toothache" fanfic challenge for the JFFG. My very special thanks to Nancy Lorenz and Rebecca (AKA Xebbie) who gave some lovely feedback and suggestions when they read an early version of this story.

Throb.

Throb.

Throb.

Joxer sucked a breath between his teeth.

"GAHYAIEEEGAOOWW!"

Exquisite pain shot through the left side of Joxer's mouth as the air whistled over the top of the molar he had cracked the night before while eating supper. Instinctively, he slapped his hand over his cheek and howled as the ache then blossomed into sheer agony, bringing tears to his eyes that he blinked back fiercely as he stamped back and forth in the path.

Remembering to breathe through his nose this time, Joxer deliberately forced himself to calm down and waited until the pain dulled down to a slow yet persistent throb before he took off in an awkward run, not slowing down until he could see the village gates at the top of the hill. He paused for a moment to catch his breath before carefully making his way down the hill. His rag-tag armor clanked in a discordant melody as he walked by the bored guard, who barely gave him a passing glance as he walked through the open gates.

Shaking his head, Joxer made his way to the town's center, frowning as he put his hands on his hips and looked around.

"You look like you need some help, my unusually attired friend!" a voice boomed in Joxer's ear, making him screech and jump a few feet in the air.

"Uh... Yeah..." Joxer turned around to gaze at a portly gentleman with graying hair, green eyes and horse-like teeth grinning at him toothily. He tried to return the grin, but it quickly turned to a pain-filled extremely poor imitation of one and he instinctively put his hand up against his cheek, remembering at the last moment not to slap his face.

"Ah! You're in need of the services of the town's healer!" the man exclaimed, smacking Joxer hard across the back and almost knocking him over in the process. "Actually, you're in luck! We have a new healer in town that specializes in your particular problem."

Joxer blinked hard and winced as his jaw throbbed unmercifully. "You do? There is?"

"Yes! Just go that way..." A long and scraggly-nailed finger which looked to be covered in hummus, lettuce and something else that looked - extremely slimy - pointed down an alleyway just to the left of where he and Joxer were standing. "Take a left at the end of the alley and you can't miss it! There's a sign that hangs right over the door."

Joxer's eyes shifted in the direction that the man indicated. "Thanks."

The man's grin widened, if possible. "No problem, my friend! After you've had your business attended to, perhaps you'd like to visit my stall! I'm having a special today - lamb, hummus, refried lentils, lettuce, sour pickles and goat-cheese quesadillas topped with my super secret sauce!" He leaned forward confidentially and it was all that Joxer could do not to gag at the thought of eating whatever the man was talking about - that and the man's garlic breath. "It's got a real spicy kick to it! You'll love it, I promise!"

Joxer began backing away from the other man as quickly as he could, his stomach turning over when he caught a whiff of something particularly foul as the wind changed direction. "M-M-Maybe later! I'm not very hungry right now!" he stammered with a weak smile that transformed into a grimace as the throbbing in his jaw increased.

"Sure! No problem! Tell the lovely lady that meets you when you go inside that Tacobellius sent you!" the man yelled back with a wave and a knowing wink before turning around and heading back to his food stand.

"O-O-Okay... Thanks!" Joxer's eyes rolled up as he turned around and headed in the direction that Tacobellius indicated.

The food vendor's easy smile widened as he watched Joxer take off in a clumsy run. "Yes, my friend. Tell them that I sent you and you'll get the treatment of your life..." Still grinning, he entered his stall and his voice joined the other vendors that were hawking their wares.

Joxer eventually came to a halt in front of a small building that had a sign with a highly stylized tooth depicted on it hanging over the doorway. "I guess this is the place," he murmured as he removed his helmet and walked inside a neatly kept room that contained a couple of chairs placed in front of a table, atop which had what appeared to be a dog-eared ledger of some sort, an inkwell and a quill that needed to be cleaned. Another chair was placed on the opposite side of the table.

"Uh... Hello?" he called out as he peered around curiously. "Is there anybody here?"

There was no response to his query. Joxer sighed, shrugged his shoulders and was about to turn around and leave when he heard somebody walking towards him.

A young woman came in a few moments later, smoothing down her extremely disheveled clothing as she walked into the room. "Hello! Do you have an appointment?" she asked cheerfully, quickly pushing her light brown hair back into place with an elegant sweep of her hand.

Joxer's eyebrows disappeared underneath his bangs. An appointment? "Um, no... Some guy that was in the marketplace sent me here," he explained. "Name of Taco-"

The woman's eyebrows rose and she smiled, revealing two rows of perfect, almost blindingly white teeth. "Oh! You're one of those..." Her smile widened and her hazel eyes gleamed with what Joxer could only think of as anticipation. "Right this way, please!" she quickly added in before he could say another word.

Joxer looked around curiously as he followed the woman down a short hallway and into a small room that was bare with the exception of two things: a chair that was fitted with some kind of contraption that his mind simply refused to comprehend and a small table that had a small bowl and several shiny metal objects atop it.

Shiny metal objects that had very sharp points at each end of them.

Joxer's helmet slipped from his nerveless fingers and landed on the floor with a thud. He then gulped audibly as he turned to face the woman. "What's the deal...?" he started to say when he heard the sound of somebody else approaching the room.

A few moments later, the healer walked inside the room, smiling brightly as he approached the two. He looked to be about his age, Joxer reckoned, and he had to stifle a rather strange yet sudden urge to shade his eyes as he gazed at the man.

"Well met, my friend!" the healer exclaimed, reaching out to clasp Joxer's arm warmly. "My name's Orinicus," he said, blue eyes dancing with amusement. "So, you're having some trouble with your teeth...?" He paused, a dark blond eyebrow rising in curiosity.

"Uh yeah," Joxer mumbled. "Cracked a molar last night... Some guy named Tacobel..."

Orinicus raised a hand up, his smile growing even wider as Joxer's voice trailed off. "Say no more! I'll have you fixed up as good as new... Take a seat!"

Joxer turned his head in the direction of the chair and gulped. "Maybe I should just go someplace els..."

Orincus's eyes grew wide and he reached out and grabbed Joxer's wrist in a firm grip. "Please, I insist!" Both eyebrows rose then. "Besides, I may be able to save that molar," he added in persuasively.

Joxer blinked in surprise. "You can do that?"

Orinicus laughed - a rich hearty laugh that did nothing to set Joxer's already jittery nerves at ease. "Well, I can certainly try, my good man! Please, take a seat..."

"Joxer," he supplied, still looking over at the chair nervously. "Wait! How much?" he asked.

"Depends on what I need to do, but I'm sure you'll find the price quite reasonable."

Joxer's lips twisted as his eyes shifted towards the door. "I dunno..."

"Eight dinars." Orinicus' voice was softly persuasive.

Joxer made a rude noise and wished that he hadn't when another frisson of purely agonizing pain blossomed in his mouth. "Ha! You must be joking! Four," he managed to choke out.

"I never joke about things like this. Seven."

"Six."

Orinicus shook Joxer's hand heartily, rewarding him with one of his blinding smiles. "Six it is." He gestured towards the chair.

Joxer hesitated for a moment before setting his face into a determined expression and he walked over to it, tilting his head as he turned around and took a seat. He gulped hard as the two approached him - both of them smiling in a way that gave him no sense of comfort whatsoever. Unconsciously, he gripped the chair's arms so tightly that his knuckles turned even whiter than they already were.

The two exchanged glances before Orinicus said as he picked up one of the instruments that had a very long, sharp-looking hooked point on one end, "Open please."

Wordlessly, Joxer's mouth opened.

"Wider." Orinicus nodded and did a brief visual inspection of Joxer's teeth, frowning as he did so. "Hmm... Not too bad, but you need to floss more. Just a little bit wider..."

Joxer's eyes grew huge as he did what he was told and watched uneasily as the metal glinted brightly in the sunlight just before the hooked end was plunged into his mouth. He could feel and hear the sound of metal tapping against his teeth. Tap, tap, tap...

"GAAAAAHHHHH!" Oh Gods... Oh Gods... I am NOT going to pass out...

A beatific smile appeared on Orinicus' lips. "There you are!" he crowed. He gestured to the woman standing nearby. "See the break on that baby, Dorcas? What a beaut!"

Dorcas peered into Joxer's mouth appraisingly and whistled in appreciation. "Very nice!" She frowned then. "He's drooling all over the place. Ew."

Before Joxer could slip out of the chair and make a run for it, he found himself getting pushed back into the seat and getting several wads of sparklingly clean white gauze shoved into his mouth. "Gmpuh...!" he sputtered.

Blue eyes lighting up with glee, Orinicus placed the implement back down on the table and he picked up that... that... thing that was attached to the chair with some kind of a tube and he began pumping a pedal that was also attached to it. He began pumping the pedal slowly at first but he then went down with more force to make it go faster.

Joxer's eyes almost popped from his head as the now-spinning thingamabob began moving towards his mouth. "Wmmuff yuuu gmmma muu mif mupph?" he mumbled through the wadded gauze. He then tried to move away but discovered that he was literally paralyzed with fear and strangely mesmerized by the spinning action of the bit at the same time.

Of course, it also didn't help that Dorcas at some point in time had tightened the leather straps that were attached to the chair's arms around his wrists.

"I just need to smooth that baby out with this drill before I fill it," Orinicus cheerfully explained just as it hovered over Joxer's open mouth. "Now just keep your mouth open, say 'ahhh' - and HOLD STILL!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Joxer yowled just as the bit hit the tooth. He couldn't keep his eyes off the smiling healer as he worked. Over the high-pitched whining noise that had started up at some point, he caught a strange metallic whiff that made him even more panicked than he already was. Is something BURNING...? "Ggghh...!"

Orinicus grinned and cheerfully exclaimed over the noise, "Just a bit more! Dorcas, position that mirror to the right!"

A BIT MORE WHAT?! Joxer thought just before he mercifully passed out from the pain, the loud, high-pitched whining noise piercing his eardrums. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

"...EEEEEEEEEEEEE... OWWWWW! Whatcha do that for?" Joxer whimpered as he rubbed at his now-sore left ear that had been unceremoniously flicked. He turned around to face Gabrielle, his rubbery lips jutting out in a pout.

Gabrielle shook her head and sighed in exasperation. "Your story worked. Eve's asleep," she said curtly, pointing at the sleeping toddler warmly bundled up in her small bedroll.

Joxer's eyes flickered over in Eve's direction then briefly lit on Xena's face. She returned his gaze with a raised eyebrow but she didn't look like she was going to kill him - yet. He smiled widely in relief and rose to his feet. "Oh good!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

The two women watched in silence as he carefully walked over to Eve's bedroll, leaned down and kissed the sleeping girl on the cheek before he rose back up to full height. "Uh, I'll be right back," he said, blushing slightly as he pointed outside the clearing. He backed away from the two slowly before turning around and heading into the forest, feeling their gazes boring into his back as he departed with only a little less noise than usual because he had taken off his armor for the night.

They continued staring in the direction Joxer had left in before they turned around to look at each other.

Gabrielle put a hand to her forehead and softly groaned in sheer frustration. "Xena, what are we going to do about him - and why did you ever let him continue telling that horrid story in the first place?" she sighed. "I'll have nightmares about that for weeks!"

"What are we going to do about Joxer?" Xena replied as she leaned over to check on the still blissfully sleeping Eve. "You're his girlfriend, Gabrielle. You fix him," she added in with a throaty chuckle, which quickly turned into soft laughter when she saw the outraged expression on her friend's face.

"Oh, I'll fix him all right!" Gabrielle muttered over Xena's laughter as she leaned back in her bedroll. Then, as quickly as her temper flared up, it cooled down as her lips twitched while she attempted to hold back a smile only to fail miserably at it. "If I did that, Joxer wouldn't be - well, Joxer..."

"He's definitely one of a kind. That's for sure," Xena said, still laughing softly as she tossed a small log onto the fire.

"Yeah..." Gabrielle's smile widened and her expression softened until she frowned in realization.

"What's the matter?" Xena asked as she watched her friend get up from her bedroll.

"Joxer's been gone an awful long time just to do - whatever he does. He's probably managed to get himself lost coming back here again, the doofus. I'm gonna go look for him," Gabrielle said as she began walking in the same direction he had walked in earlier.

"Okay," Xena replied offhandedly as she tossed another log on the fire. "Oh... And Gabrielle?"

The bard turned around. "What?"

"Be gentle," Xena said with a wicked grin appearing on her lips.

Gabrielle rolled her eyes and said several extremely rude words under her breath as she walked into the shrubbery, her ears burning in embarrassment as Xena's laughter followed her into the darkness.

Shaking her head in amusement until her laughter faded away, Xena turned around to check on Eve once more and saw that she was still sleeping peacefully. She leaned over and kissed her daughter on the cheek, gently moving away a stray lock of hair on her forehead. "I'm glad someone's gonna get a good night's sleep tonight," she murmured, absently rolling her tongue around her mouth, touching each tooth with the tip of it. Good. All present and accounted for. She sighed then and made herself comfortable as she waited for her two friends to return.

Holding a hand up to her mouth to cover a yawn, Xena lay down on her bedroll, allowing herself to relax. The fire warmed her and she smiled as she listened to Eve's soft, rhythmic breathing while she slept peacefully. Somewhere along the way, she fell into a light sleep but woke up when she heard her two friends approaching camp. She opened her eyes and saw that the fire was almost out but she kept still.

"Shh, Joxer! Xena's asleep!" Gabrielle whispered. "Gotta be quiet," she added in with a soft giggle.

"Okay, okay... I'm glad that the story worked," Joxer said as he put the fire out. Xena could hear some rustling as the two settled down into their combined bedroll.

"Uh yeah, about that... Next time, let me tell the story, huh?" There was a long sigh, followed up with a dry, "Your imagination's a little too graphic for bedtime stories."

"But... But, but Gabrielle! It was the tru...MMPH!" Whatever else Joxer would've said was stopped by what sounded like a long, drawn out kiss to Xena's ears. Her suspicions were confirmed moments later when he then said in a slow and lazy drawl, "Okay, Gabby. Whatever you say..."

Gabrielle laughed softly and sighed in contentment. "G'night, Joxer."

Joxer yawned and Xena rolled her eyes as she heard another kissing noise. "'Night, Gabby."

Shortly after, Xena heard Joxer's soft snoring in conjunction with Gabrielle's soft breathing. She contemplated going over to the couple and waking them up to chew them out but reconsidered it. Besides, she could be patient when it was necessary, she thought as she slowly allowed herself to fall back asleep.

She'd simply knock them upside their heads after breakfast.

Please take the time to write to Sandy at fiebrans@prodigy.net, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2006 by Sandy Fiebranz and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.