The Warrior Princess waited patiently for her friends to get far out of earshot. Since her senses were better trained than those of nearly every other person in the known world, that was a long distance indeed. She also listened to make sure that Gabrielle wasn't doubling back or circling around to uncover Xena's plans. Xena did not make the mistake of assuming that Joxer would be with Gabrielle; the bard would figure out a way of keeping their friend out of range.

Satisfied, Xena placed her hands on her hips and called out to the empty air, "Ares! I have something for you!"

A blue-white electric light filled the space before the Warrior Princess, resolving into a whiff of ozone and Ares, the God of War himself. This time he had selected an open black leather vest, studded and decorated with silver, as were his sword belt and trews. His flowing black hair reached to his shoulders, and as always his beard appeared neatly trimmed: being a god, he didn't have to worry about trimming it. There was a hint of red fire behind his dark eyes, the fire of battle and devastation.

"I heard your little friend Gabrielle muttering curses at me," Ares said, "so I knew you were around and up to something. I don't suppose what you've got for me is what I want, is it?"

"Well, maybe not everything you want," Xena teased, "but I'm sure you'll be interested in this. Joxer calculated wind speed and chill factor around Gabrielle's hips, and came up with some interesting results. So I asked him to run the numbers on me as well." She gave Ares the parchment with the figures.

The God of War examined the calculations, and his hair seemed to become somewhat disordered. Clearly, what he was reading had an effect on him.

Xena gave him a sultry smile, her eyes half-lidded. The cat was about to swallow the canary, or in this case, the blackbird. "Do you think this has any theoretical validity?" she asked.

For his reply, Ares seized Xena in his powerful arms and dipped her, kissing her on the neck. "Olympus! You make my soul a cauldron of fire!" he exclaimed.

Xena shut her eyes, the sultry smile turning to one of pure bliss as she yielded to the joy of the moment. As she had hinted to Gabrielle, she was going to have some fun. First, you have to know what turns the God of War on, she thought.

Gabrielle had every intention of going back, of course. She estimated how far she would need to get away from Xena, doubled that and added a little more for good measure, pulling Joxer along whenever he wanted to start back sooner. Finally, she was ready to commence sneaking up on her most beloved friend.

"Joxer, I want you to stay here," she said. "Set up camp like Xena asked. I have to find out what's going on."

"Oh, no," he replied. "Xena ditched us both, and if you go back, I go back." He prudently retreated out of arm's reach so Gabrielle couldn't tweak his nose. She might hit him with her staff, but he figured that it would probably be in a place protected by his armor, so it wouldn't hurt as much.

"You make too much noise. I won't get anywhere near her if you come along," Gabrielle pointed out.

"I can be quiet!" Joxer protested.

"Not quiet enough. This is Xena we're talking about."

"And what makes you think she won't hear you?"

Impasse, then. They faced each other, Joxer with arms folded in front of him, Gabrielle with hers akimbo. Neither was going to give an inch. For a moment, the bard considered tying Joxer up, but aside from the fact that he would be easy prey for any unsavory types that might come along, Gabrielle simply didn't have anything she could use to bind him. It would be too cruel to tear some of his clothing into strips for the purpose, and if she used her own she would be down to a breastband, tiny loincloth and boots. The latter prospect seemed far worse to her than having Joxer tag along and ruin the whole scheme.

Then she had an idea. At first she thought she might prefer using her clothing to tie Joxer up instead, but she swallowed her pride. After all, she and Joxer had done this before and it hadn't been all that bad...

"All right, I'll make a deal with you," she sighed. "If you are so quiet that Xena doesn't hear us coming, I will let you give me one kiss. One, got it?"

Joxer was suspicious of this offer. "A proper kiss, Gabby, not just a peck on the cheek or something like that."

"A proper kiss," she agreed, shrugging. "On the lips and everything. You can kiss me the way you've wanted to kiss me. Like the time just before Cupid took the love spell off me." She held out her hand. "Deal?"

Joxer nodded. "Deal. One kiss." They clasped wrists on it.

They took the precaution of stashing Joxer's armor and helmet, these items being too noisy to risk carrying with them, but they retained their weapons. Gabrielle admonished Joxer not to speak at all unless there was genuine danger, which she figured he could reasonably judge for himself. Following the path most of the way back to avoid getting lost, they were nearly as silent together as Gabrielle was alone. The bard attributed this to her deal with Joxer, which kept him better focused than if he were trying to concentrate on silence.

When the thicket came into distant view, Gabrielle motioned to Joxer to follow her, and she left the path to approach from the south and west, hoping that the sun would hide their movement a little. They slowed their pace even further, and while they still did not speak to each other both had the same thought: they might fail to arrive before Xena finished whatever she was up to with Ares.

Finally getting to the thicket, the two crawled through the underbrush until they could clearly hear the incoherent but distinctly masculine and feminine sounds ahead of them. Gabrielle carefully pulled the branches apart so both she and Joxer could see. Xena and Ares were still necking. Neither seemed to notice that they were being watched. What was worse in Gabrielle's eyes, Xena was obviously and thoroughly enjoying herself!

Bard and would-be warrior exchanged the same shocked, mouth-open looks, then Gabrielle slowly replaced the branches and they crawled away. Outside the thicket, she whispered to him, "I can't believe Xena is doing this!"

"She's keeping his hands above her waist, and their clothes are still on," Joxer whispered back.

"That is one powerful set of numbers you handed her," the bard observed. "Well, a deal's a deal. Kiss me." She opened her arms, reluctantly inviting him into their circle.

Joxer moved in slowly. Supporting Gabrielle's back with one hand, he stroked her with the other while he pressed his lips to hers, at first gently, then more firmly.

First, you have to know what turns Joxer on, she thought. The next thought that entered her head was Joxer was kissing her as if her pleasure was the most important thing in the world to him, which it apparently was, and he was good at it. No wonder Meg and her girls liked him. Gabrielle melted in his arms and returned the kiss with far more intensity and warmth than she originally intended. Intentions forgotten, Xena and Ares forgotten, Gabrielle decided that she thought too much and gave in to the joy she felt now. Her eyes were closed, and she had the identical smile of pure bliss on her face that Xena had earlier.

When they finally came up for air, Gabrielle did not release Joxer, and kissed him again before he could say a word. She caught him with his mouth open, and took full advantage of that circumstance. This kiss lasted longer than the first, leaving them both gasping for breath afterward. Before Gabrielle could begin a third round, Joxer interposed a hand before her fervent lips. She kissed it.

"I thought you said only one kiss," he reminded her in happy disbelief.

"Shut up and kiss me," she replied in a husky voice.

Joxer shut up and resumed kissing Gabrielle.

Even Warrior Princesses have to breathe. Upon her next pause, Ares looked at her with open admiration and then kissed Xena's neck just behind and below her right ear, where he had first kissed her, following that by lightly kissing the hollow of her throat.

"I hate to spoil the mood," he said, "but Gabrielle is here, and she brought that wannabe Joxer with her. They're -- eww, is she actually kissing him?"

"I know," Xena said, not at all surprised or disgusted. "I heard both of them trying to sneak up on us. Now shut up and kiss me."

Ares shut up and resumed kissing Xena.

The End

Disclaimer:
Neither Brooke McEldowney nor the characters from "9 Chickweed Lane" were harmed during the writing of this story. However, only Thorax can explain the cosmic anomaly that linked them with the Xenaverse. The explanation would only serve to confuse Juliette and drive Edda to her dance studio for an intense practice session. Your reaction may differ, but I choose not to risk creating a quantum singularity and the subsequent collapse of the universe upon itself by repeating Thorax's explanation. Besides, I don't understand it myself.

Author's notes:
The story was inspired and partly based on a three-day sequence in one of my favorite comic strips, "9 Chickweed Lane" by Brooke McEldowney, which ran January 6-8, 2004. If you are unfamiliar with the strip, please visit http://www.comics.com/comics/chickweed/index.html for more information. I have drawn correspondences between Xena and Juliette; Gabrielle and Edda; and Joxer and Amos. Ares is Elliott, by default. There have been numerous changes since 2004: Edda and Amos have moved to New York and begun a torrid love affair, while Juliette quit her job as a professor of biology, took over a farm and married Elliott, a former colleague.

I was delayed in completing the story when I lost my notes on the third strip in the sequence. Following a futile research effort, I finally bit the bullet and contacted Mr. McEldowney directly. He not only graciously granted permission to use the material, but e-mailed copies of all three strips and even corrected my one-day mistake in the dates! For all this I cannot thank him enough, but I can encourage you to read his comic strips. Besides, they're funny!

Strangely enough, there are no song references in this story that I am aware of, contrary to my usual practice.

Episode References:
Warrior...Princess...Tramp, For Him the Bell Tolls, A Comedy of Eros, Warrior...Priestess...Tramp and Forget Me Not.

Please take a moment to write to Phil at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com and let him know how you liked this story!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Ares, and all other characters who have appeared in either series, together with the names, titles and backstories are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. Dialogue from the comic strip "9 Chickweed Lane" is copyright (c) 2004 by Brooke McEldowney and is used with his permission. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2006 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.