DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's best friend
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be warrior, in love with Gabrielle
Ares, God of War

Rating: PG-13.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy
Violence: None, though Gabrielle thinks about it
Sex: That's what this is about.
Language: Squeaky clean.
Subtext: None. I have a more active imagination than that.
Spoilers: None.
Note: This story does not fit the "canon" Xenaverse. The "classic" (pre-India) Gabrielle is assumed.

The first cold breeze of autumn took Gabrielle by surprise, raising goosebumps on her exposed arms, legs and midriff as it whipped her long strawberry blonde hair around her face. Though she may have been chilled, her reflexes were not, and she easily caught the wadded shawl thrown at her by her best friend, Xena, Warrior Princess.

Xena was not immune to the wind, but she shrugged it off. It was too soon for cloaks, and her leather armor did provide slightly more protection than Gabrielle's garb. In the case of their companion Joxer, the cold was almost a relief, for the shaggy tunic he wore under his shoddy, mismatched set of armor pieces was often uncomfortable in warmer weather. Still, he shivered once or twice as the knife-edged breeze caught the right spot, and so he smiled at Gabrielle but did not tease her.

Gabrielle gratefully wrapped the shawl around her shoulders. Her body was tougher since she started traveling with Xena, but creature comforts were fewer on the road, and she clung to them in compensation for the occasional hardships the partners suffered. Sometimes it was nice to remember that most people did not follow paths of mysticism, danger and horror and that the promise of joy was not an illusion.

Nonetheless, thanks to Xena the bard could live life more intensely. Her senses had grown sharper, too. She noticed that Joxer was looking behind her, or more precisely, looking at her behind. Gabrielle turned and met Joxer's eyes. The would-be warrior nodded at her glare and resumed watching her posterior while they walked.

Now Gabrielle considered Joxer a friend, but not her boyfriend, and she certainly did not appreciate his staring at the movement of her buttocks as if she were a common trollop. One thing Gabrielle had not left behind in Poteidaia was her peasant rectitude. Besides, she knew that Joxer was a skirt-chaser, and she wasn't about to let him chase her skirt.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't sully my hand with your nose," she said in a threatening fashion when Joxer looked up again.

"Factoring in the added lateral movement," he replied, "I've calculated that on a cold day women's hips suffer greater wind chill exposure than men's."

"You would," Gabrielle said, nonplussed. She did not tweak his nose.

Xena hid a smile behind her hand. The Warrior Princess knew that Joxer was in love with Gabrielle, but had not expected him to be so clever. Joxer's answer was serious -- for him -- because he had proven himself incapable of lying to Gabrielle even when she had no way of knowing the truth. However, Xena figured that Joxer had also intended to view the swaying of Gabrielle's hips up close. The would-be warrior was no natural philosopher, but when he applied his mind he could deduce other people's plans better than he could formulate his own.

Meanwhile, Joxer had stopped watching Gabrielle but was now making figures on a piece of parchment as he walked. That he was able to do this without stumbling or bumping into Gabrielle proved to be as curious as his earlier behavior. The bard remained steamed, uncertain as to which angered her more, Joxer's staring at her or his apparent clinical detachment in doing it.

"You were ogling my figure while I walked," Gabrielle said harshly, "yet all you could think of was the chill factor generated by the wind speed around my hips?"

"Well, I did come up with some rough calculations in stadia per hour, but I think they're sound." He handed the parchment to Gabrielle.

The bard had learned some higher mathematics during her infrequent visits to her Amazon tribe. This was a facet of Joxer she did not expect. As she looked over the numbers, which appeared to be correct, her eyes grew very big.

"I'm that sexy?" she asked.

"Numbers don't lie."

"Yeah, but you do."

Joxer moved away from her in a huff to cover his hurt.

"Let me see that," Xena said. "Joxer may be on to something here."

"He is?" Gabrielle wondered.

"I am?" Joxer asked in disbelief.

Gabrielle passed the parchment over to the Warrior Princess, who scanned it.

"Yep, Joxer's right," Xena concluded. "You are that sexy. Congratulations, Gabrielle, you are the recipient of the first scientific love note in recorded history."

"Love note!" Gabrielle exclaimed. "There is no way Joxer and I could possibly be interested in each other."

"Interested or not, you owe him an apology."

"He's the one who's undressing me with his eyes!" the bard protested.

"So he owes you one, too," Xena replied, shrugging. "You're good friends; why don't you just ask him to treat you with more respect? Joxer, that goes for you, too. Show Gabrielle that respect. She's not your sidekick, but she is your friend. You have a good head on your shoulders -- you just proved it -- so use some common sense and you'll get some of the respect you deserve, too."

"Huh?" Gabrielle was confused. Joxer stood in stunned silence.

"Gabrielle, you know that deep down inside Joxer is friendly, caring and brave enough to scale the ramparts of Olympus for either one of us. Even when he could get away with it, he couldn't lie to you. I heard him. He may not show it all the time, but he loves you for all the right reasons. Why do you think he was so happy when you tweaked his nose outside the temple of Mnemosyne? You were back, not a fantasy made up of Joxer's dreams and bits from your scrolls. I've seen you treat each other with respect. Maybe you'll never be more than friends, but you need to find that out for yourselves."

Joxer broke out in a cold sweat as Xena said this, and his knees began to shake. Gabrielle, now full of curiosity, stared at him.

"You're in love with me?" she finally asked.

The would-be warrior's mouth opened and closed as if to form words, but no sounds emerged. The trembling took over his entire body.

"I guess that answers my question," the bard observed. "And it explains why you didn't tell me." She paused for a moment. "Subtlety's not your strong point. No wonder I didn't understand what you were doing. I'm sorry I called you a liar."

"And I'm sorry I stared at your bu-- I mean your...uh..."

"Apology accepted," Gabrielle said with a smile. "But I thought you were interested in Meg."

That was a hard one to answer. Joxer was well aware that Gabrielle knew he'd been in Meg's bed on several occasions, not to mention those of her bordello girls. He had approached both Xena and Princess Diana because he thought they had been interested in him, though in both cases it had actually been Meg; all three women looked alike. Joxer was forced to consider the possibility that he fell in love with any woman who treated him kindly...and yet...he took his time framing a response. Common sense suggested that he follow his heart as long as he told the absolute truth.

"You're the only woman who was nice to me without making a move on me...and that I didn't make a move on," he finally said in a soft voice.

"Besides your mother?" the bard giggled. "No, that wasn't fair. Even when baby Bliss hit me with Cupid's arrow you didn't lay a hand on me. But don't start now!"

"Okay," Joxer agreed.

"And don't stare at me so much."

"I dunno, Gabby, The way you dress --" he indicated her midriff "-- the way you move...heck, Gabby, you're beautiful, okay?"

That surprised Gabrielle. Men tended to go ga-ga over Xena, and Joxer was no exception. Gabrielle's perceptions of herself, however, were colored by the fact that most of her suitors had been more interested in getting their hands on her father's prosperous farm than on her. Perdicas was the exception, but they had been childhood sweethearts. Some men had flirted with her since she began to travel with Xena, and not all of them were crude, but Joxer hadn't paid much attention to Gabrielle at first. On the other hand, Joxer had started out as her friend despite a rocky beginning.

"Thank you," the bard said in a low, shy voice.

"Look, I don't expect you to fall in love with me. All I want is for you to be happy. You don't need me for that. But I like being with you."

"Well, I...I..." faltered Gabrielle.

"If you didn't like being with Joxer," Xena told her, "you wouldn't let him anywhere near you, and you wouldn't bother tweaking his nose. You'd just knock him out and walk away."

"I guess so," the bard admitted. "It's just...I don't feel the same way...about loving you, I mean."

"You don't have to," said Joxer. He was crestfallen, but not devastated.

"We'll play it by ear and see what happens," Gabrielle assured him. "Do me a favor, Joxer."

"Anything!"

"Now that you've told me, sort of, don't try to prove that you love me. We've been through too much together for that. We've laid our lives on the line for each other, and you know Xena and I both believe in you."

"Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered tweaking your nose, either," the Warrior Princess confirmed. A twinkle appeared in her eye "Since that's settled, Joxer, I'd like you to work up the same kind of figures for me."

Gabrielle's jaw dropped. So did Joxer's.

"Buh...buh...you want Joxer to stare at your butt?" the bard eventually managed to say.

"That's right," Xena agreed.

"Have you gone insane?" Gabrielle demanded to know, raising her voice.

"I have my reasons. You sound jealous," the Warrior Princess observed.

Gabrielle spluttered to a halt. Joxer, his eyes as large as saucers, shrugged a question.

"Yes, Joxer, I want you to watch me walk and to do the calculations the way you did for Gabrielle. But don't get any funny ideas. You don't have the excuse that it's Meg pretending to be me."

"Okay," Joxer replied, though he still sounded doubtful.

They resumed walking, the bard maintaining a sullen silence while Joxer fulfilled Xena's unusual request. After what seemed to be an interminable time to Gabrielle but was in fact only a few minutes, Joxer announced that he had finished and handed the Warrior Princess a second parchment with the results. Xena looked it over, and a saucy smile spread over her face. Unlike many of her smiles, this one reached her eyes, too.

"Why, thank you, Joxer! Now you wouldn't have fudged any of these figures, would you?"

"Nah. You've got a great figure."

"Watch it," Gabrielle snarled.

"I did," the would-be warrior said, the picture of innocence, "and it's true. Can't I compliment Xena without you thinking I'm hitting on her? I'm not suicidal."

"You were once," Xena smirked.

"That was Meg! I just...didn't know it was her then."

Xena snatched the silly helmet with its wicker lining off Joxer's head and tousled his hair. "I know, and you're forgiven," she said. There was laughter in her voice. "You're still not my type, but your heart is in the right place."

Now Gabrielle was totally confused. "What aren't you telling me?" she asked Xena.

"I just thought of a plan for distracting Ares," the Warrior Princess replied, "so he doesn't raise an army around here. The harvest looks like it's going to be good this season, and you know how tempting that is to a warlord."

The bard, being a farmer's daughter, understood. Then her mouth flew open in shock again. "You're not going to..." she began, then faltered.

"No, nothing like that. But that doesn't mean that I can't have any fun," Xena assured her.

Before Gabrielle could launch into her usual complaint that Xena never shared her plans, Joxer asked for a story, specifically "For Him the Bell Tolls."

"Oh, no," Gabrielle groaned. "I don't want to hear you bragging about being 'Joxer the Lion-Hearted' for a whole week afterwards, and I am not singing that song of yours, especially if you're going to sing along again."

"I have to sing along!" he protested. "You're always off key."

"What?!"

"Anyway, the story is more about you than me. I still can't remember what happened when I was that phony hero," Joxer added.

"You're not a phony," Gabrielle automatically replied. "Just...different."

"You make that sound like a bad thing," he complained. "Isn't everybody different?"

"Yes," she admitted, "but some of the things you do..."

"I get it," Joxer realized. "They get in the way sometimes." To Gabrielle's relief, he didn't sound hurt. "You keep showing me how I can do better. I guess I haven't been as appreciative as I should be. Thanks, Gabby."

"You're welcome," the bard said, and began the story.

The story was a success, for Joxer focused on that rather than on his friends' anatomies, which satisfied Gabrielle. Xena was also pleased; while she didn't like hearing about herself, in this story her presence was minimal and supportive.

The companions had come to a place where the path was nearly overgrown with tall grass and weeds. There were many spots ideal for an ambush, and Xena approached each one cautiously, but the trio apparently had only field mice and lazily buzzing insects for company. Once they startled a golden jackal, which ran away at their approach. The jackal did not run far, however, as soon afterward they saw a mouse tossed up into the air, followed by the jackal, which leapt up to catch it. Gabrielle explained to Joxer that the jackal was playing with its food.

"I thought only cats did that," he remarked.

Normally this would have launched Gabrielle and Joxer into an animated discussion of the animals they had seen on their travels, but Xena hushed them. So far no danger threatened, but the Warrior Princess was taking no chances. All was calm, however, and a clump of trees and undergrowth that formed a thicket nearby was also devoid of enemies.

"Okay, Gabrielle," announced Xena. "You and Joxer go find something to do about a mile or so down the road. I'll catch up when I'm done here."

"When you're done with what here?" the bard demanded.

"That's for me to know and for you not to find out," the Warrior Princess replied. "I have to do this alone, but if it works you won't have to worry about Ares for a while."

"Xena!"

"Sorry, Gabrielle, but that's all I'm going to tell you. Trust me. I won't do anything you wouldn't do with Joxer."

"But what about Ares? Aren't you going to need my help?" Gabrielle's voice, while plaintive, was not whiny.

"Yeah, and what about me?" asked Joxer.

Xena was not condescending, but she remained firm. "You both know that when I need your help I ask for it. This is one time you can't help, all right?"

"Not all right," denied Gabrielle. "I still think you're going to...ugh, Ares...my skin crawls just to think about it."

"Are you calling me a liar? I said I wouldn't, and you know Ares has tried to seduce me before. He will this time, too. I'm counting on it. Now will you both please find something to do? Set up a camp or hunt for rabbits, anything?"

"Okay, okay," Gabrielle groused. "I'm not calling you a liar, and we'll go. I just wish you could find a better plan than whatever it is you've cooked up in your head -- and tell me what it is!" The bard, still not mollified, turned to go.

"Say, I remember Gabby wrote that you're the worst cook in Amphipolis, so how good could this plan be?" Joxer wondered.

Xena drew her chakram and brandished it threateningly at the would-be warrior.

"GO!" she shouted.

Joxer blanched and ran down the path as fast as he could, narrowly avoiding a collision with the sullen Gabrielle.

Conclusion >>>