Xena stood victorious over yet another warlord's army. Gabrielle, tired with exertion, leaned on her staff and surveyed the carnage. A man stirred. "Get him, Gabrielle," Xena ordered, and the bard obediently lifted her staff, walked over to him and struck a blow that knocked him out. Silence returned as Gabrielle resumed leaning on her staff. She looked Xena in the eye, her expression a mixture of resignation and disappointment. Green eyes remained locked on blue.
"You've been using me, Xena. I've helped you kill. I let you talk me into abandoning and killing Hope. Even now you give me an order and I snap to obey. I object, and you resent being questioned. I might as well be a puppet. Here's my strings."
Gabrielle held out two large sticks, which Xena took. They bore a set of strings, which were attached to the wooden effigy the bard had become. Experimentally, Xena raised the end of one stick. Gabrielle's arm went up.
"Gabrielle?"
There was no response.
Xena began to practice until she could cause the puppet to swing its staff nearly as well as Gabrielle had, accounting for the puppet's more limited range of motion. The Warrior Princess smiled in satisfaction.
Joxer came clunking up. He took in the situation, his eyes wide with shock. When he was able to speak, a bitter edge was in his voice.
"You always wanted Gabrielle all to yourself, didn't you? No room to share. Are you happy now? I thought you were my friend."
One of the marionette's hands began to change back into soft, warm flesh. Unbidden, the hand released the staff and reached out to stroke Joxer's cheek. Before it touched him, however, Xena pulled on a string and jerked it back. She maneuvered the hand, once again wood, until it contacted his nose. The fingers no longer moved, so instead of making the puppet tweak Joxer, Xena had to settle for banging his nose with the hand.
He did not flinch, but unabashed tears flowed down his cheeks. "You took Gabrielle away from me, Xena. Every day you'll have to live with what you did." He turned and walked away without another word.
"You didn't need him," Xena told the Gabrielle puppet. "We have each other forever. I love you, Gabrielle."
The puppet did not react. Xena turned it to face her.
"Come on, Gabrielle, you know you love me. Say it."
Lacking a hinged mouth, the marionette could not be made to speak. The sad look Gabrielle had last worn was frozen on its face. Xena manipulated the sticks again, making the life-sized puppet reach up and put its arms around the Warrior Princess. But a puppet cannot give a hug, and there was no comfort in its wooden limbs. Finally realizing what she had done to her truest and best friend, Xena looked into the unblinking eyes of the puppet again.
"I'm sorry, Gabrielle. You're not a puppet. You're a free woman, and I won't stand in your way."
Nothing happened.
"You don't have to do this," Xena pleaded. "I know I've hurt you. Please... forgive me. Gabrielle, I need to hear your voice, your laughter. I need to see your light! I need - that's it, isn't it. I need. It's time I listened to your needs. Other people need you, too. Here, Gabrielle." She put down the sticks. "Take care of your needs."
With a wooden clatter, the marionette collapsed.
"Gabrielle, please..." She began to sob. "Please come back."
The puppet that had been Gabrielle remained where it fell.
"She's gone... my selfishness destroyed her."
"No, you haven't destroyed her." Joxer had returned. "You've used me, too. Sometimes as part of your plans, sometimes to get me out of the way so I wouldn't mess up, but always for the greater good. You're my friend, and I've always forgiven you. Gabrielle forgives you, too." He bent down and ran his hand along the puppet's carved golden locks. "She's your soulmate, Xena. I've known that from the very beginning."
"Joxer, what if... she's your soulmate?"
"She is, in a different way. Gabrielle will always be yours and you will always be hers. You don't have to keep her all to yourself. See what happens when you try? Gabrielle can think and speak for herself, though." He drew a knife. "Here, Xena, give me a hand."
She took out her own knife, but Joxer shook his head. "Not that way." He put his knife into Gabrielle's empty hand. Since the wooden fingers could not flex, he awkwardly held the knife in place. Now Xena understood, and placed her hand on Joxer's. They waited.
"Gabrielle, you've never given up, even if sometimes you give in. Please come back to... us."
Slowly, feebly, but unmistakably by itself, the hand moved, taking Joxer's and Xena's with it. Xena carefully teased one of the strings to the knife, not daring to pull it lest she force Gabrielle to move. This one, the first one, was the most crucial. Joxer reached for the string also, so that he and Xena could make a small segment taut. With a slight but steady pressure, Gabrielle moved the knife across the string until it parted. The string vanished as if it had never been.
Now Joxer and Xena could help her. With their three hands working as one, they severed string after string. As each was cut, Gabrielle softened yet grew stronger. The sad look transformed itself into a warm smile. Coming to the last string, she gripped the knife and sliced the string by herself. Her other hand dropped her staff and stroked Joxer's cheek as she had intended. A woman again, she turned to Xena and hugged her.
"Whatever you've done to me, I forgive you."
"Whatever you've done to me, I forgive you," Gabrielle said. "Wake up, Xena. Wake up."
The Warrior Princess opened her eyes. Gabrielle was leaning over her but not touching her. It wasn't safe to touch a sleeping warrior like Xena.
"That was some nightmare," Xena said.
"You're telling me. You don't usually talk in your sleep. You thought I was your puppet?"
"I use you, Gabrielle, to give me the light, to keep me honest, to make my plans work... to love me."
As in the dream, Gabrielle hugged her. "I forgive you. I'll always forgive you." She looked directly into Xena's eyes, which displayed the sparkle of water instead of the cold sheen of steel. "You can't force me to love you. I give you that freely."
"I think that's what the dream meant. You need more than recognition, Gabrielle. You need to be yourself."
"Part of being myself is being with you. It's your own light that fights your darkness, Xena, and that inspires me to find things I believe in. I haven't found them all, but one of the things I believe in is you. Sorry. You're not exactly a 'thing.'"
"I understand. I've always believed in you. Your strength, your inner beauty, your light. I can't keep those all to myself. You share them wherever you go. It hurts me so much when I see someone corrupting you..."
"That's not selfish. It kept me from being another display in Aiden's garden. Okay, sometimes you're overprotective. So is my father. That's human. But I'm not a puppet to your love. I never have been."
"Funny, Joxer used to be worried about the same thing. I hope we don't have to cut a deal with a god to keep it from happening, like he did."
"Only if the gods use our love to make us their playthings. Aphrodite's done that to us more than a few times."
"Not with our love, at least, or even Joxer's love for you."
"I never thought I'd ever hear you give a god credit for anything."
"Like all of us, Aphrodite makes mistakes, but she's smarter than she appears. She's selfish, but so am I."
"I can be selfish," Gabrielle pointed out.
"What do you mean?"
"I've used you, too, Xena. To free me from Poteidaia. To give me the stories I write. To be the family I left. To protect me on my quest. Even to keep Joxer out of my hair."
The Warrior Princess was surprised. "That's being selfish? I give you all that freely, too."
"You took a lot of convincing, Xena. You try to do it all yourself."
"I can't, though," Xena admitted reluctantly.
"Neither can I. But we can help each other."
"Just like my dream. You cut the first string, then the three of us cut the rest and you weren't a puppet any more."
Gabrielle put her hands on her best friend's shoulders. "I heard you say something else. You asked me to forgive you. That had to be hard. Somehow, you recognized the need to do it."
"Some of the things I've done are unforgivable."
"Are they? You betrayed me, abandoned me and tried to kill me once, but I forgave you. I betrayed you, abandoned you and tried to kill you, but you forgave me. What about Solan? What about... Hope?"
A wave of pain flooded Xena's face, pain so intense that few could endure it. Xena was one of them. There was no anger in her, just the sadness and the pain. Accepting this, Xena composed herself and released the emotions. "I forgive you... I still forgive you." A few tears fell from her eyes. She tried to smile, and almost succeeded. It was a beginning.
"Forgiving yourself is part of redemption," Gabrielle said softly. "Don't say you can't. You wouldn't be here if you really believed that."
Gabrielle was right. What would be the point in turning to the light, in championing the greater good, if she herself were totally irredeemable? Thus Xena finally came to accept what she had always known: she wanted to be forgiven for her past as a warlord. She not only had to atone for her guilt, but she needed the release that came with atonement. Otherwise, that guilt would gnaw and tear until it destroyed everything good within her, isolated her completely from family and friends, and poisoned her love for Gabrielle.
"No, I don't believe that," Xena admitted in a near-whisper. "That was the old Xena, thinking that good things would make me soft and undermine my focus. But good things make you strong and tough, Gabrielle, and you're still tender and caring. That makes you my mentor, though I usually forget that. We've always been on the same quest."
Gabrielle kissed Xena on the cheek. "Go back to sleep," she told her. "If you hadn't been able to live with yourself you would have thrown your life away by now. You forgave yourself a long time ago, I think."
"I love you, Gabrielle."
"I love you, too, Xena."
Joxer had the next watch. As Gabrielle smoothed out her bedroll, she gave him a smile and a wink. "Don't stare at me all night, okay? Xena had a nightmare, and I'm a little worried about her."
"Xena had a nightmare? What could frighten her?"
"Seeing other people get hurt. Worse, hurting people, especially her friends."
He nodded. "I'll keep an eye on her, then. Good night, Gabby."
"Good night, Joxer."
As she lay on her back, looking at the stars before she dozed off, she heard Joxer whisper in an effort to keep her from hearing, "I love you, Gabrielle."
He means well, anyway. I just can't...
Xena held a scroll in her hands. Gabrielle saw that the entire village of Poteidaia had turned out for the wedding, as had the Amazons and many of the friends she had met on her travels. Xena began the ceremony.
"Do you, Joxer, take Gabrielle to be your lawful wife, to love, respect and cherish all the days of your lives?"
"I do."
"And do you, Gabrielle, take Joxer to be your lawful husband, to love, respect, cherish and obey..."
The word kept echoing in Gabrielle's mind: Obey... obey... obey... obey...
"I do," she answered.
"Then before the gods and everyone you know, I declare the beginning of your marriage. You may kiss her, Joxer."
He did, and it was as sweet a kiss as any Gabrielle had allowed him to give her. Holding hands, they turned to Xena again.
"So, Xena, after the honeymoon, where are we going?" Gabrielle asked.
"You're not going anywhere," Joxer interrupted, gripping her hand tightly. "You're staying in Poteidaia with me - forever."
"Then that's settled," Xena agreed.
"But... but... but I'm the queen of the Amazons. I have to lead them!"
"It's all right," Ephiny assured her with a smile. "We're staying, too. Xenan needs a stable home, and we've all found what we were looking for, I think." With that, Ephiny was now clothed in a peasant dress. So were all the other Amazons. Gabrielle looked down at herself and saw she wore the same clothes as when she left Poteidaia.
"So long, Gabrielle," Xena said, waving in farewell. "I think I'm going to look up Autolycus and start a new family myself. Take good care of her, Joxer."
"I will," he replied. "Come on, Gabby. There's work to be done."
"Work?"
"You think those dishes will clean themselves after this party? Hey, no workee, no nookie."
Tearfully, she entered her new home. It looked just like her parents' house, though the crossed swords above the fireplace were Joxer's, and the knickknacks were her own, just a few things from her childhood.
Into the kitchen she went, to tackle the monumental heap of plates and pots she found there. Joxer did not join her. Through the sound of her weeping, she heard him idly picking at his lute. It seemed to take hours to get all the dishes done. When it was over, she crept into bed. Joxer was asleep, snoring to wake the dead.
Though she lay awake for more hours, somehow she never noticed Joxer get up. Still, in the morning he wasn't there. Getting up herself, she found him at the table, polishing off an enormous meal. He had left a little food for her, but before she could reach for it, he pointed - at the dishes.
Weeping again, she repeated the task. Then she was allowed to eat, though by now everything was cold. Joxer smiled condescendingly. When she finished her breakfast, he took her by the hand. "I love you, Gabby," he said. "I love everything about you, especially the way you wash clothes."
It seemed to Gabrielle that her tears would never stop. The heat from the steaming water was almost as unbearable as listening to endless repetitions of 'Joxer the Mighty' from the adjacent room. By now, she was completely disheveled, her long hair sticking out in wild disorder. In contrast to this, after she had dried everything on the clothesline, she folded all of Joxer's clothes neatly and put them carefully away.
She was rewarded with a peck on the cheek.
"Great job, Gabby! It looks like you have a little time before you start dinner. How about dancing in the nude for me?"
I promised to obey... obey... obey...
Obediently, she removed all her clothes, managed a smile and began to move to the music Joxer played. He picked up the tempo and she danced faster, faster, ever faster...
With a crashing discord the music stopped and she fell to the floor, bawling as though the only thing she could do was cry forever... forever...
"Please don't cry, Gabby." Joxer was timidly stroking her arm to wake her. "Please don't cry."
Wide-eyed with fear and anger, Gabrielle grabbed Joxer's nose but stopped herself before she could hurt him.
"Joxer, I'm sorry. It was just... you were there and I was... like a slave. Stuck in Poteidaia... forever..."
"You were my slave? I don't want that."
"I know, Joxer. I wasn't... exactly... your slave."
He looked at her. She was still crying. Then it dawned on him. "You dreamed we were married and I kept you down." Like Perdicas would have, if Callisto hadn't murdered him the day after Gabby married him.
Gabrielle nodded. Joxer grew thoughtful, then hugged the bard to him, letting her rest her head on his shoulder.
"I can't do that to you, Gabrielle. I don't ever want to. As if you'd let me. Gabrielle, one reason I love you is because you're so free, not like the other girls. You have hopes and dreams, and you pursue them. I'll never take that from you. If I try, I want you to send me away for good."
"Joxer, you make mistakes. I won't send you away if you do. I just won't let you smother me."
"Okay. I'll watch it. And I won't come between you and Xena. You'll choose her anyway, so why make it hurt? And if... somehow... you chose me... it would hurt Xena."
No longer crying, Gabrielle kissed Joxer's cheek. "If it came to that, I'd choose both of you. I'm not going to give up either of the people I care about most in the world, especially after all the caring you've shown me."
"When did I ever -"
She put a tender hand over his mouth. "Hush, Joxer. You did. I wish I could return your love."
"You already have, Gabrielle. You may never fall in love with me, but we have each other's love."
"Thanks, Joxer. I guess... I love you, too. Like a brother," she hastily added.
"That's good enough for me," Joxer replied, and kissed her gently on the cheek in return. He backed away to let Gabrielle resume sleeping. Surprisingly, she had no difficulty.
Xena woke up by herself, stood, stretched and smiled at Joxer. "You handled that very well," she approved.
"You were awake?"
"Gabrielle was crying. I woke up." She said this so simply that Joxer understood without further explanation. If Gabrielle were crying, Xena would always know. "I heard you wake her up," the Warrior Princess continued. "I decided... I should let you talk to her. You love her, too."
"Thanks, Xena," Joxer replied with gratitude. A fresh breeze stirred, and he sniffed the air. "Weather's changing."
"We're in for rain tomorrow," Xena agreed. "A light shower to clean the air. Maybe our souls, too, huh?"
"Funny talk, coming from you, Xena. Gabrielle told me you had a nightmare. Is that it?"
"Yeah. Hope you sleep better than I did."
"Me, too. Good night."
Joxer felt uneasy in the cell with Gabrielle. His twin brother Jett was around, and no one was safe when the assassin was in the vicinity. The cell was opened, and Joxer tried to push Gabrielle back inside when they exited. The bard seized his forearm, spun him around and tossed him back in the cell, onto the cot, which splintered underneath him. She slammed the barred door behind him, and it locked with a distinct "snick."
"What in Tartarus did you think you were doing, Joxer? How are Autolycus and I supposed to protect Cleopatra if I'm locked up? I think you had better stay here out of harm's way. At least you can't screw up if you"re behind bars."
The would-be warrior noticed a furtive movement in the shadows. "But Gabby, look -"
"Don't you 'but Gabby' me! I'm not letting you out until Jett is caught."
"GABRIELLE, LOOK OUT!"
The movement belonged to Jett, who had gotten behind Gabrielle and slipped a knife into her ribs as she turned. Mouth open in a silent scream, she crumpled to the floor.
"That's what happens, little girl, when you play with the big boys," Jett said dispassionately in his raspy voice. "Hi, Joxer. She was right about one thing, though. It's safer to keep you locked up here. See ya." He turned on his heel and walked off. Joxer found himself unable to utter a sound as the tears ran from his eyes, blurring his sight of the dying woman.
When his vision cleared, he was back in the Amazon village, carrying his beautiful Gabby in his arms. Xena was coming, he knew. She quickly arrived, knocking Amazons out of the way like so many rag dolls. He fled as fast as he could, but Xena intercepted him. He put the bard down and told her to run. Xena snared her with her whip and Gabrielle fell. Growling in frustration, he attacked Xena, who knocked him down. This time he was badly stunned, and his head rang from the concussion, but he remained conscious.
As he attempted to scramble to his feet, one of the Amazons pulled him up behind her on a horse. They chased Xena, but kept losing ground. When Xena stopped, the pursuing Amazons were too far away to keep her from lifting Gabrielle, carrying her to the edge of a cliff and throwing her off with a cry of "Vengeance!" All the Amazons dismounted, drew swords and charged. Joxer, though barely able to stay on his feet due to his injury, did the same. He saw Xena throw her chakram right at him, and felt a sharp pain as it buried itself deeply in his chest. Everything went black.
He opened his eyes in the temple of Dahak. "Do you have it?" Xena cried. He felt around in his clothing as best he could, given his bound hands, but the hind's blood dagger wasn't there.
"Joxer, you are a moron!" Xena shouted. "Now Dahak will destroy everything that's good and full of light." Joxer knew that the Fates had decreed Xena would die if she killed Hope, but he could not prevent his friend from charging Dahak's daughter. Ares stepped before Hope and pointed at Xena. A powerful bolt of energy struck the Warrior Princess, leaving only a blackened corpse to fall before Joxer's horrified eyes.
"HOPE!" Gabrielle cried, and tried to seize her daughter to pull her into the fiery pit that gaped in front of the altar. Hope did not need Ares' intervention. She also gestured, and Gabrielle was frozen in mid-stride. Though she fought the telekinetic power with every ounce of strength she had, she could not move except as Hope allowed her to move. Step by agonizing step, the evil spawn directed her mother toward the pit.
"Goodbye, Mother," Hope said as Gabrielle teetered at the edge. Joxer strained against his bonds, but could not get free. The love of his life fell screaming to her death.
"GABRIELLE!" he cried futilely.
Hope slowly walked over to Joxer, the obscene copy of Gabrielle smiling an obscene copy of Gabrielle's smile. "Do not sacrifice this one," she directed her priests. "Let him live with the knowledge that by his failure the only true friends he ever had are dead." She caressed his brow, an obscene copy of Gabrielle's caress. "You loved Mother, didn't you?" she addressed him directly. "Too bad for you." Then she laughed, an obscene copy of Gabrielle's laugh, now stilled forever.
Joxer could only repeat one word in his despair. "No... no... no... no... no... no..."
He came to his senses with Gabrielle hovering over him. "'No' what?" she asked.
"I thought you were dead forever, Gabby," he said somberly. "First Jett killed you, then Xena killed you, then... Hope... and Ares killed Xena... because I let you down. I let everybody down." He began to shake.
"Hey, hey," Gabrielle soothed, taking him in her arms and rocking him. "You didn't let anybody down. You're right here where you belong. You never let anybody down. Don't you ever think that way."
Without noticing, she began to run her hand through his hair, stroking his head. Then she did notice, but she did not stop comforting him. How many times has he risked his life for me, or done silly things to try to impress me, or managed to do sweet things that touched my heart? I need to decide about him soon. He deserves that.
When he raised his head, she kissed his forehead. "I think you're a pretty great guy. There's nothing the three of us can't beat. Not even Hope and Ares."
Joxer gave her an astonished look. "But you -"
"I pulled Hope into the pit, but I climbed out, and when I recovered, we stopped Hope and the Destroyer in Poteidaia."
"I wasn't any help in Poteidaia. Xena had to bail me out."
"You don't think Xena began to be suspicious when Hope kissed you? And you were worried because Xena was hurt. That made her think about it, and forced her to make every move count instead of bulling her way through as she sometimes does. By rescuing you, she knew exactly where the Destroyer had to be so she could lure him to his death. I think you were a great deal of help."
The would-be warrior fixed a serious gaze on the bard. He knew she wasn't trying to make him feel better so she could gently ease him out of the way. This was different.
"You mean that. I can tell."
"I was hoping to be obvious," she joked.
Suddenly Joxer grabbed Gabrielle's nose, but he only twisted slightly, causing no discomfort whatever, and released it. "I always wanted to do that," he explained.
Gabrielle grinned. "I had it coming. Are you feeling any better now?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
"You're welcome. Now go back to sleep. Dream about something that makes you happy." Oops, I forgot. Well, it's only a dream.
It took him some little while, but fatigue overcame his nervous energy.
Later, Gabrielle woke Xena for her watch.
"We're three for three on nightmares tonight. Did we do something to anger Morpheus, I wonder?"
"No," the Warrior Princess replied. "We're all exhausted, and our minds are playing tricks on us. As much as each of us has been through, I'm not surprised we have unresolved problems. Dreams can help us find the way to solve them. What was bothering Joxer?"
"He was afraid that someday he would let us down and we would be killed."
"A typical warrior's fear. Doubly so in Joxer's case. If he hasn't given in by now, he never will. Okay, Gabrielle, you might as well close your eyes."
"You're not curious about my nightmare?"
"I already know about it. You woke me up. Good night, Gabrielle."
She woke up? She let Joxer handle it by himself? But that means...
Gabrielle shrank from considering that thought any further. She began some breathing exercises to clear her mind. These were so effective that in a few minutes her slow, regular breathing was no longer due to conscious effort but from the unconsciousness of sleep.
The sun rose to reveal a very nice meadow, full of lush grass. Argo settled down to some contented grazing. After satisfying the edge of her hunger, she looked up. Something felt wrong. Looking around, she saw that the two women who often rode her were gone again. She vaguely missed the tall one, whom the palomino thought of as hers. No matter; there was a nice orchard up ahead, and it looked like some of the apples were within reach.
Trotting over to the trees, Argo discovered that she could reach a few of the lowest, and with a satisfied nicker crunched into the first. There was nothing like a sweet apple to make the day seem bright, though the funny-looking man's carrots were just as good. She wondered where that one was.
After eating all the apples she could reach, not turning up her muzzle at the windfalls, she decided she would go looking for the man with the carrots. He would not be hard to find. Argo could always hear the clank of his metal hide. She spotted a road nearby and chose to go parallel to it, enjoying the wind ruffling her mane as she ran.
Soon she found a man with a metal hide. It did not seem to be the man who gave her carrots, but he held out an apple. She accepted it, and suddenly ropes fell around her neck, and men were drawing them tight and holding her despite all her struggles to free herself of them. Then she knew who it was. It was the man with the cruel spurs, who had loaded her down with pieces of metal on her head and body, who had dominated her and nearly forced her to kill her woman.
Argo felt the saddle being cinched again, and the cruel man jumped on her back, applying his spurs as soon as the ropes were removed. Whinnying in pain, she reared and bucked, throwing him off, but men caught her bridle and she could not escape. He mounted again, and she threw him again. He spoke to her, but she could only understand the tone of menace he offered. Her woman did not talk to her that way, even if she usually forgot the apples. A third time he mounted, and was thrown.
He did not attempt to remount, but drew his sword. Snarling a few words, he plunged the sword into Argo's neck, and the blood spurted as she bellowed again. Then she grew suddenly weak, and crashed to the ground, darkness clouding her sight.
Though it was still dark, Argo knew it was night and not the unpleasant feeling she had just had. A hand was stroking her flank, and she knew that hand. It belonged to her woman. Argo whickered a greeting.
"Easy, girl," Xena told her. "You're having a bad dream." What could horses dream about, I wonder? The mare visibly calmed down under her touch, so perhaps it wasn't that bad. More likely, the distraction of being stroked served to remove the memory of the nightmare.
The Warrior Princess led Argo to the pile of gear. The golden palomino wasn't sure if the woman was going to saddle up and ride off with her, but when Xena reached into one of the bags, a familiar scent came from it.
"Here you go, Argo," Xena said, feeding her an apple. It was a little dried out, but still sweet, and best of all in Argo's eyes, it came from her woman. The horse looked at the warrior, who shrugged and gave Argo another apple before ruffling her mane. "You're a good friend and companion," Xena said, and though the mare could not understand all the words, she instinctively knew their meaning.