Clearly both home and studio, the building was set amid cheery gardens. Songbirds greeted the three travelers and a buxom older woman with platinum blonde curls appeared at the door.
"This is the place Hercules recommended," Xena announced.
The woman ran toward them gracefully, leapt into the air, landed in front of Joxer and executed a perfect pirouette.
"Ah, a warrior princess, a bard and - well, we'll make something out of you, my boy." Before they could react, the woman had ushered them inside.
"I am the Widow Twanky," she declared, and before I am through with you, my name shall be a curse on your lips-" She pulled Joxer's face close to hers. "-ah, such sweet lips-" She pinched his cheeks and released him. "But you will be able to dance!"
Xena smirked at Gabrielle, who rolled her eyes. Wonderful.
Sizing up Joxer expertly, the Widow Twanky told him, "We had better attempt something basic. The Aesop Fox Trot. Which one of your little playmates wants to dance with you first?"
"Little!" Gabrielle protested.
"Playmates!" Xena snarled.
"Come, come, come," the teacher bustled, clapping her hands imperiously. "I shall have to pick one. You, Miss Bard. Don't any of you have names?"
"I'm Gabrielle," she announced, shrugging in resignation. "The clumsy oaf -"
"Hey!" he interrupted.
"- is Joxer."
"And I'm Xena," the Warrior Princess said as she stretched and sat down in a corner of the ballroom.
"No, no, no, my, no, this won't do, young lady. You must practice, too. The boy needs to be able to dance with more than one girl. Get up, get up now!" Twanky glided over to Xena and began to tug on her.
"Make me," Xena said evenly.
Suddenly a slippered foot kicked above Xena's head. Before she could grab it the foot was gone and Twanky had danced away, spinning around for another maneuver. Xena leapt to her feet and charged, but had to flip over the dance teacher, who had ducked and come in low. Turning again, the Warrior Princess sought to grapple, but Twanky rolled up and over Xena's back. Neither could strike a blow against the other, both were so agile. Gabrielle stood astonished, so in awe of the graceful movements that she forgot to help her friend. She couldn't tell if it were a fight or a dance.
Frustrated, Xena finally flung her chakram at her annoying opponent to knock her out, but the widow caught it smoothly. She looked at it while Xena, shocked, stared at her.
"Interesting prop," Twanky said. "Most useful." She then idly tossed it, bouncing it off a wall, the mirror that stretched the length of the hardwood dance floor, Gabrielle's staff which stood in another corner, and finally back to Xena, who caught it mechanically and hooked it back on her belt.
"Now, where were we?" Twanky continued. "Ah, yes, our gangly boy and his rosy-cheeked partner. Remember, children, a beginning dancer is like a pomegranate." She reached inside her ample bosom and produced one. "The delicious seeds inside are hidden by a tough, fibrous mass. We must break through the mass and extract those seeds." She opened the fruit and pulled out a seed. "Then we suck out the delightful juice from each one before we go to the next."
Causally tossing the pomegranate to Xena, Twanky had Joxer place his right hand on Gabrielle's left shoulder blade, with her left hand on his right shoulder, her arm supported by his. Extending his left arm and Gabrielle's right, the teacher compelled them to clasp hands.
"There, make a nice rounded frame. Very good. Turn your heads and look in the mirror to see what it looks like. That's it, children. Now make sure each of you is looking across the other's right shoulder. No, Joxer, her right shoulder, not your right. The other right! Better."
She looked at the couple's legs. "You must stand that way, too, so your legs are offset. Can't have the boy stepping on your feet, now can we, missy? Good. Now with this foot -" she slapped Joxer's left leg "- take a step forward." He did so, and perforce Gabrielle had to step back on her right foot. "Good, now another, again, again-" and he walked the bard around the floor. "Lengthen your stride now."
Joxer did, but stepped on Gabrielle's foot. "Ow!" she cried, and reached for Joxer's nose, but the Widow Twanky intercepted her. Wonderful.
"No, young lady, you will not do that here. In fact, it was your own fault he stepped on your foot."
"What?"
"You must plant your heel firmly and release the toes from the floor when you step back." She demonstrated. "Come here, Xena. I shall lead you the same way. Remember to release the toes. Watch, you two."
Xena, bemused, allowed herself to be placed in dance position and be walked around the floor in long, powerful strides.
"Do you see? Good. Try it again now, boy." This time he did it perfectly.
"Well done, children. Now we must add the rhythm. For the Aesop Fox Trot, we start with a basic slow, slow, quick-quick. A-bom, a-bom, a-bom-bom. Here, young Gabrielle, I shall do it with you. Joxer, watch my feet and copy the movement. Xena, if you please, clap a slow, steady beat for us."
Beginning to enjoy this, Xena smiled and complied. Gabrielle picked up the step immediately, but poor Joxer had difficulty at first until the bard pointed out that it was no different from keeping rhythm with his lute.
After that there were turns and promenades. "Take away a slow step and you have a graceful rhythm," Twanky told them, introducing a basic twinkle. Adding a slow step after the two quicks produced the Tyldus Tango. "You must stalk your partner, boy; don't be afraid of her. But you, my dear, keep shrinking away. You mustn't let him catch you easily. There, and now the cortes; let her lean over you. Good. Now, Gabrielle, lift your leg and slide it down his calf - oh, excellent leg crawl!"
Wonderful. "My skin is crawling," Gabrielle said.
"Come now. Look in the mirror and do it again. See the striking lines. The boy is handsome, a bit awkward still, but he's getting there. Oh, don't lean over quite so far!" The couple overbalanced and Gabrielle fell on top of Joxer. Wonderful.
Their faces were very close, but before Joxer could get a hint of a dreamy look, Gabrielle snapped at him, "Don't even think it, Joxer."
The Widow Twanky pulled the bard to her feet. "Missed opportunity, young lady. Hmmm. I see. Wait right here." With an arabesque and a flourish, she dashed off to another room, quickly reappearing with a goblet.
"For those women's complaints. We dancers must be able to perform, even when it's that time. Drink up now, lass, drink up."
Gabrielle did so, and her head cleared almost immediately. She felt considerably better.
"Now we shall tackle the rhythm dances."
More rounds of lessons put Gabrielle, Xena and Joxer through their paces. Xena had never realized how much exercise a dancer gets while practicing.
"Very good, very good," the Widow Twanky concluded. "You will be ready for the PanAthenia Preview tonight. Now, what are you wearing? That's a very provocative outfit, young girl - keeps shrinking in the wash, does it? - but hardly suitable, especially that bilious green top."
"I like that top," Gabrielle said evenly.
"I'm sure you do. But a gown should flow. Come with me, come, come," and the bard was led to a small dressing room. There she was presented with an emerald green satin dress. Its bodice fit snugly despite the plunging neckline, while the skirt was long and full, forming a bell shape in Cretan fashion when she turned around. Matching gold-colored dance shoes completed the ensemble, and Gabrielle added the necklace Joxer had given her some while back during the misadventure with the enchanted scroll. Examining herself in the mirror, she was surprised at how beautiful she looked. She gave her long, strawberry blonde hair a few brush strokes.
"There, now: a little kohl, some berry juice on your pretty lips, and you'll be the belle of the ball," Twanky approved. "Show your friends now."
Gabrielle emerged to the sound of a wolf whistle from Joxer. Xena smacked the back of his head with her hand, but Gabrielle wasn't offended at all. She smiled happily and twirled around until she was giddy with excitement.
"It's so pretty, Xena!"
"You sure are, Gabby," Joxer agreed. "Hey, you're wearing the necklace!"
"Well, I couldn't wear it on the road, could I?"
"I guess not."
"Just don't forget our mission here," Xena reminded her companions. "I don't want Tynis killing the magistrate while you two are dancing the night away."
"Yes, bad form, that," Twanky agreed. "Did you say 'killing the magistrate,' Xena?"
"I did. Seems he's still trying to fix some of the competitions and someone got tired of it. I got word just after Tynis was hired. He's a tricky one, that Tynis. Almost as good as your brother Jett," she told Joxer.
"Your brother is an assassin, young man? Terrible!"
"Anyway," Xena continued, "I'll need a somewhat plainer gown, but something I can hide my chakram, whip and a dagger underneath, maybe with a slit - good for those rhythm dances - and a light brown wig. Gabrielle needs a wig, too, maybe auburn to go with that dress."
"Yes, I have just the thing. Here, let's go look. Joxer boy, go to the other dressing room and select something you like."
When they finished, everyone assessed the results. Xena's gown was dark red, formal but not too gaudy. Her shoes were black, and looked sturdy enough. Joxer chose to go with the clothes he wore after Aphrodite had cast her bell charm on him. They were still in good shape, and made him look dashing. Twanky added a silken emerald green sash to match Gabrielle's gown.
"But those boots are terrible. No, no, no. Shoes make the man," Twanky said, and handed him a pair of black dance shoes with low heels. When he had put them on, she approved of his look.
"Ah, yes, that's better. Now hold me," and she wrapped herself in his arms, looked up and batted her eyelashes at him. Joxer's eyes widened in surprise as she unwrapped herself and twirled outside the circle of his arms. Gabrielle felt uncomfortable about this, but couldn't figure out why. She scratched her head. Then she scratched it again.
"I hate these horsehair wigs! They're so itchy."
"Do you want to be recognized and blow the whole mission?" Xena demanded. "I hate my wig, too, but you don't hear me complaining."
"Be nice to each other, ladies, stop glaring now. A short practice in your gowns, dears, then you must be off. I have a lesson with my star pupil and her new partner next," Twanky informed them.
They danced briefly, changed clothes again, took their leave and walked the short distance to the town proper. Joxer spotted something gleaming in the road and picked it up.
"Say, it's an old dinar! 'See a dinar, pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck,'" he recited.
"Let me see that," Xena asked. Joxer handed her the coin. "Old,"
she assessed. "Very old. From Sargon of Mesopotamia's reign. Tynis
murdered a collector recently. This looks like part of the booty. He's here.
We'd better get to the ballroom before he spots us."