DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons, Xena's best friend
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be hero
Alice Twanky, the Widow Twanky, a dance teacher
Althea, champion dancer
Astaer, Althea's dance partner
Travoltus, another dancer
Tynis, an assassin
Keli, Althea's usual dance partner
Argo, Xena's wonder horse
the magistrate of Rhumba
an announcer
other dancers
dance judges
guardsmen
spectators

Rating: PG-13.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy, drama.
Violence: Some fighting. Various characters throw objects at each other. A murder is attempted.
Sex: Gabrielle and Joxer kiss. Some people think that's obscene.
Language: Squeaky clean.
Subtext: Xena and Gabrielle are unambiguously heterosexual.
Spoilers: None.

Gabrielle was one irritated blonde this morning. It seemed like Xena just didn't care where their next meal was coming from. Joxer had procured three goose eggs. Wonderful. She hated goose eggs, so after tweaking his nose, which made him retire sulkily to the edge of the clearing and begin carving a statuette, she decided to catch some fish in the creek.

Her irritation grew as she saw the dirty water and noticed a splashing sound just upstream. A dead fish slowly floated by. Wonderful. She picked it up and marched to where Xena was slapping some clothes on a rock in the creek. More dead fish floated past.

"I told you yesterday to wash your things out at the pool. Now look what you've done!" Gabrielle complained. She tossed the dead fish into Xena's lap.

"Hey, you were the one who said my unmentionables were beginning to stink!" Xena argued, holding up one of the offending items, a pair of black panties. "I was trying to track that assassin down, wasn't I?" She threw the fish back at Gabrielle, who ducked. It sailed across the clearing and hit Joxer.

"Hey! Ewww!" he yelled, chucking the dead fish away.

"So you could have washed your clothes when I did mine and then gone straight to Rhumba," the bard continued. "We know that's where Tynis is headed."

"Yes, to kill the magistrate. Wouldn't it be better if we caught the assassin before he got there?"

Gabrielle had no answer to that, so she angrily stalked back to the fire and took a frying pan from her gear. Wonderful. Xena had put a dent in it already. She swirled a little olive oil in the pan and began to fry the three goose eggs.

"All right, we've got breakfast," she announced when the eggs were done. "Not much of a breakfast," she muttered. "Thanks, guys."

Xena, having spread the wet clothes out to dry in the sun, joined her. "What's this, goose eggs? I thought you hated goose eggs."

"It's all we had," the bard gritted through clenched teeth. "Joxer, get your mighty butt over here!" she shouted.

Obviously irritated himself, the clumsy warrior got up and walked over to where his friends sat. "It's bad enough you almost broke my nose, Gabby, but did you have to break my concentration, too?"

Gabrielle spotted the statuette in his hand. It represented a naked woman. Wonderful. "That had better not be me," she warned, grabbing for it.

"No, it's Aphrodite," Joxer retorted, snatching the statuette away. "I thought I might sell it in town for a few dinars, maybe buy something besides- " he paused for emphasis "- goose eggs." Setting his work down, he sat and morosely ate his egg. "Can't figure out how to do the sea foam bit," he grumbled.

The bard spread her hands and made a "calm down" gesture. "All right, I'm sorry. It's just - my time of month is coming and - I think it's early."

Joxer winced as Xena nodded in understanding. He knew to stay at least three and a half staff lengths away from Gabrielle at those times, and when it was Xena's time he preferred to be three and one half villages away.

"Have you got a headache yet? Cramps?" Xena asked solicitously.

"Not yet," her best friend reported.

"Let me know as soon as they start. I picked some fresh herbs for them the other day. I knew you'd need them soon. And try not to damage Joxer, will you? We need him for this mission."

"I still don't see how anyone can teach him to dance. You and I both tried and failed."

"Gabrielle, that jig of yours was too complicated. Joxer needs to use his arms for balance."

"So getting me knocked butt over teakettle by one of those arms helped Joxer keep his balance? What balance?"

"Hey!" Joxer complained. "I did my best."

"Yes, you did. It's just that we're not dance teachers," Xena consoled him. "We'll find one for you in Rhumba. You're going to be our inside man, you know."

"Right. Nobody knows me, and with Gabby disguised we can be watching out from the dance floor while you cover the rest of the ballroom."

"Couldn't you come up with a better plan?" Gabrielle groused. "One look at us and they'll know we're not dance partners."

"Tynis is no fool," Xena told her. "We have to blend in perfectly or he'll be impossible to catch."

"It must be silly season. All right, Xena, we'll try it," the bard sighed.

Joxer cleaned up the remains of the inadequate meal and doused the fire while Gabrielle packed up the camp. Xena gathered her clothes and briefly retired behind a bush to change.

"Ick! My undertunic and my best black panties are still wet!" she kvetched. "This is all your fault, Gabrielle!"

"Beats Tynis smelling you a mile off!"

Xena ran from behind the bush and started pelting Gabrielle with damp lingerie. Wonderful. The bard fled down the road with Xena in hot pursuit. Joxer glumly picked up the garments, fed Argo a carrot and led the palomino mare after them.

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