DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's best friend
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be warrior, their friend

Rating: G.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy
Violence: None. No kidding.
Sex: None.
Language: Squeaky clean.
Subtext: What subtext? None.
Spoilers: None.
Note: The "classic" (pre-India) Gabrielle is assumed, but if you shorten the hair it could apply to a later time as well. It fits the "canon" Xenaverse.

Joxer meant well. Gabrielle always had to remind herself of that. Besides, she herself could be irritating at times, and if he frustrated her, she could reach out and tweak his nose. Joxer never attempted to reciprocate, though he had been openly angry with her on occasion. It wasn't because he would likely fail; it just wasn't in him. Even when he had tried to kidnap her for Callisto, he figured that Gabrielle would be released once Xena had thus been lured into Callisto's trap -- he had not counted on Callisto trying to harm her. Out of such considerations, friendships are born.

To be fair, Joxer was simply in the wrong place at the right time, in this case the height of summer. He hadn't accompanied Xena and Gabrielle on their trip to Amazon country. Their business completed, they emerged from the forest one morning, and since then shade was conspicuous by its absence.

"Man, it's a hot one," Gabrielle observed, "like seven inches from the mid-day sun." She was visibly uncomfortable and decidedly thirsty. However, as Xena seemed to be enduring the heat without complaint even though she was sweating under her leather armor, Gabrielle didn't dare admit to weakness.

"Yeah, no point wearing ourselves out with this heat," the Warrior Princess agreed. "What we need right now is a good swim, but I'd settle for a cup of cold water. Only an idiot would cause trouble on a day like this."

"Like Joxer," Gabrielle said. Peering down the road as they topped a small rise, she had spotted what appeared to be a market stall alongside the road. Their friend Joxer could be seen behind its counter, instantly recognizable because he had not doffed his helmet with the silly wicker lining that made him look comical. More likely he was wearing it because the wicker kept the sun off his neck. A broad-brimmed hat would have served him better, but he lacked one.

"Or Joxer." Xena amended. "But I don't think he's causing any trouble. Let's find out what he's up to. It'll take your mind off the heat."

"Why not?" the bard shrugged. The heat irritated her enough without Joxer's little quirks, but arguing with Xena would be even more irritating right now.

The two women plodded toward the stall, raven locks and strawberry blonde alike hanging dully down, somewhat matted with sweat. As they approached, they saw that Joxer seemed unfazed by the scorching sun. Gabrielle was uncertain if she should be even more irritated by this, or merely astonished.

"Hi, Xena! Hi, Gabby!" he called out. He might have seemed too cheerful, too smooth for this weather, but Xena knew the would-be warrior was genuinely happy to see them, and not entirely because he was in love with Gabrielle.

"Hello, Joxer," Xena greeted him in return. The Warrior Princess was intrigued by Joxer's apparent immunity to the temperature, but decided to let Gabrielle solve the puzzle. Perhaps it would bring her friends closer together, but even if it didn't the result might prove amusing.

"Okay, Joxer, you should look twice as dead as I feel," the bard remarked. "How are you doing it? Do you have Meg under the counter fanning you, or something?"

"No, nothing like that," he replied, and switched to his bombastic voice. "But I just visited her, and she showed me how to whip up something that will really hit the spot! What you need, Gabby, is one of Joxer's Famous Smoothies!"

"What's a smoothie?" the puzzled Gabrielle asked.

"'What's a smoothie?' you ask. Why, it's a blend of fresh yogurt with a little milk and special flavors, served very, very cold." As he said this, he blended the yogurt, milk and a pinkish powder with what looked like real snow, this last coming from a sawdust-covered chest. Now the Warrior Princess was very curious; where had Joxer found snow? The would-be warrior quickly poured the concoction into a pair of wooden cups and held them out to his friends. "Try it! Spread the word!"

Xena accepted her cup and drank it down. She shrugged. "It'll never catch on, but at least it's cold. Thanks."

Gabrielle followed suit. Taking a huge mouthful, she suddenly gagged and messily spat it out, mostly all over herself.

"Salmon!" she gasped, and continued to splutter and spit in an attempt to get the taste out of her mouth. Joxer handed her a wet cloth and quickly ducked out of the way to avoid getting his nose tweaked, but Gabrielle was too discomfited to attempt it, and merely wiped her face clean of yogurt before dabbing at her clothing to get the white mess off. Prudently, Joxer filled another cup with cool water and gave it to Xena. When the bard had recovered somewhat, she snatched the water from Xena and rinsed out her mouth.

"Why didn't you say something, Xena?" Gabrielle accused. She was still angry, and Joxer cringed from her.

"What's to say?" the Warrior Princess replied. "I've had worse. I've made worse. It's just fish-flavored yogurt. I thought you liked salmon."

"You're no help!" complained Gabrielle. "And the only reason I don't kill you, Joxer, is that you know where there's snow. Tell me where," she demanded.

"In the village down the road," Joxer said. "They have an icehouse. Something about iced fruit. I had to set up out here 'cause nobody else liked my salmon smoothies. I don't get it--"

"You never get it," the bard snapped.

"Be nice," Xena admonished. "He did try to cool you off."

"All right," Gabrielle yielded, though grudgingly.

"I mean, they're healthy and all. All those omega threes, whatever they are," Joxer explained.

"You could try another flavor instead," Xena suggested.

"Well, I've got some carrots, but I was saving them for Argo."

"Good idea -- saving them, that is," the Warrior Princess agreed.

"Joxer, they have fruit," Gabrielle said in a gritty voice. "Didn't you get some?"

"Oh. Yeah, I was gonna try an apple-walnut smoothie next."

Xena pushed her lips together and thought for a few seconds. "That might work. Make three -- but you drink the first one, okay?"

"Okay," he agreed.

He had to pulp the apples and walnuts -- Gabrielle made sure that he left out the apple seeds and walnut shells -- but it didn't take too long to produce three more smoothies. These were indeed much better-tasting than his previous efforts, and Gabrielle emitted a little sigh of pleasure when she finished hers.

"You're forgiven," she declared, rubbing a handful of Joxer's remaining snow on her neck. "Now lead us to that icehouse!"

The End

Disclaimer:
Gabrielle's taste buds were not harmed in the course of writing this story.

Author's notes:
I freely admit that the reference to omega-3 fatty acids is an anachronism. Walnuts have them as well as salmon.

The Romans, rich ones, anyway, did indeed bring snow down from the mountains and iced down fruit to make something like a sherbet. Although I have no evidence for ancient icehouses, the Romans were well aware of the phenomena of cool cellars and caves, and their engineering skills were equal to the task of creating a simple insulated building. Neither they nor the ancient Greeks had yogurt, to my knowledge, let alone smoothies.

Song Reference:
"Smooth" (Santana and Rob Thomas).

Episode References:
Callisto and A Day in the Life..

Please take a moment to write to Phil at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com and let him know how you liked this story!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in either series, together with the names, titles and backstories are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2006 by Philip D. Hernández and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.