"I never meant anything to her," Joxer whined and took another drink. He sighed again for emphasis. "Gimme another." The bartender rolled his eyes at the melodramatics and pushed a plate in front of Joxer. "Hey, buddy, you want some cheese with that whine?"

Joxer glanced down at the stale food and shook his head. "Thanks, but feta doesn't go well with ale."

The overweight barfly sitting next to the would-be warrior looked as if he wanted to strangle Joxer. All he was interested in was a quiet drink, which was impossible anywhere in Joxer's vicinity.

"After all we've been through and she took up with some guy she just met! Just like in Chin! But does she want to do anything with me? No! She'd rather cut off her foot," Joxer said bitterly. He polished off his ale and ordered more.

That was enough for the barfly, who growled, picked up a nearby potted fern and placed it on the stool where he had been sitting, grabbed his drink and walked off. Joxer, lost in his misery, never noticed. Finishing the ale, he wiped the mash off his mouth with an unsteady hand, spraying messy droplets all around. Then the warrior wannabe signalled the bartender for another mug.

Meanwhile, a handsome young man from Jace's dance troupe, the one who had goosed Joxer, entered the tavern. He had added a filmy robe to his shiny gold briefs. The long robe was trimmed in hot-pink feathers that brushed the floor. Seeing that Joxer had gotten to the bar first, he decided against sitting there and choose a comfortable chair near the window. He made sure that the fern was between him and Joxer. He flagged down a passing barmaid and ordered honeyed whineÉ erÉ wine.

"Bard of Poteidaia my eye," Joxer continued. "They should call her the Slut of Poteidaia! Look at all the guys she's been withÉ Perdicus, at least she married him. IolausÉ another lousy blonde! He thought he was too good to be my sidekick! AutolycusÉ the King of Jerks! Damn good thing he had eyes for Xena or he'd have stolen Gabby's cherry as wellÉ or he would have if she were still a virgin! LinÉ that shifty-eyed bastard! And who knows who else she's been sleeping around with. Did you know there's even been talk of her and Xena doing stuff? Xena! Can you believe it? She'd rather do the wild thing with another woman than with me!"

The fern was decidedly uncomfortable at this point, but was unable to escape. It settled for wilting its fronds instead.

The tavern's swinging doors parted to admit Maximinimus. "Oh, you poor thing," he cooed as he picked up the wilted fern and placed it in a nearby windowsill.

The fern, grateful for its release from torment, immediately perked up.

Maximinimus plonked his considerable bulk onto the now empty seat beside Joxer and ordered a drink. He had a blissful smile on his round face. "Man, that go-go girl sure can do wonders! I haven't felt this good since the Trojan war ended. Yeah, she sure is a Go-Go Gabby," he chuckled and raised his mug in a toast to the absent Gabrielle.

Hearing the bard's name, Joxer turned toward the source. At first his eyes refused to focus; in a later age, the bartender would have been cited for serving drinks to a drunk. Then Joxer slowly realized who the man casually sipping his drink was. His simmering rage boiled over.

"YOU!" Joxer shouted and stumbles off the bar stool.

Maximinimus also stood, held his hands up in front of him, and backed away. "Hey, I don't want any trouble," he said.

"Well, ya foundit!" the drunken warrior-wannabe slurred and put up his fists. "Shtand shtill! I'll take alla ya on! All four o' ya!" He swung, missed, and fell forward.

The fern shook its fronds like a pom-pom.

The other man caught Joxer before he hit the floor and steadied him on his feet.

"Thanksh," Joxer said to Maximinimus and took a full wind-up to throw another punch. Missing again, he spun around several times. Barmaids and patrons scattered to avoid his wind-milling arms as he stumbled across the floor. One of them couldn't get out of the way quickly enough and Joxer tripped over his foot. It seemed to the others in the bar that Joxer flew in slow motion with all the grace of a drunken seagull towards the only person who wasn't watching, namely the gaudily dressed (or was it undressed?) dancer.

Too late, the dancer looked up in shock as Joxer landed on his knees directly in front of him. In his drunken haze, Joxer looked up at the long-haired, clean-shaven, form in front of him and gasped. "By da godsh, you are boodaful!" Without any hurry, he fell forward, armor creaking. His face ended up firmly planted in the dancer's lap.

"Aww, you poor thing," the dancer murmured and stroked Joxer's hair. Joxer began to snore. The resulting vibrations sent pleasurable little thrills throughout the dancer's body.

Maximinimus drained a second drink as the bar erupted in laughter at the poor unfortunate Joxer. Casting another glance at the scene he shook his head and snickered as he exited the tavern.

Disclaimer for Act Two: No ferns were harmed in the writing of this chapter.

...More coming soon!

Please take the time to write to Annie at Joxerbuddy@hotmail.com and Phil at BroadwayPhil@yahoo.com, and let them know how you like the story so far!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
"Xena: Warrior Princess," Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Jace, Cyrene, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights and trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is © 2003 by Anne Beaudry and Philip D. Hernández and is their property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.