DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, the Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's best friend
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be warrior
Jace, Joxer's brother, a singer
Cyrene, Xena's mother and matchmaker extraordinaire
Amoria, Amazon leader and rock groupie
Alabardus, would-be singer
Maximinimus, a male slut
Miguel, one of Jace's Solid Gold Dancers (Goose!)
Fern, a potted fern (Annie: You named the FERN, Phil?)
Jace's Solid Gold Dancers, one of whom goosed Joxer (Goose!)
Amoria's Amazons
Draco and his henchmen
Guards
Citizens of Melodia, the Music Capital of Greece (where everybody is tone-deaf)

Rating: PG-13.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy.
Violence: None.
Sex: Subtle innuendo follows...must be something inside.
Language: The usual "hell and damnation." Nothing serious. (Annie shouts: "Damn them! Damn them all to hell!")
Subtext: Not the kind you'd expect. (Annie giggles.)
Spoilers: Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire. (The show's been over for how many years now? Get a life!)
Annie's Warning: Major silliness ahead. Beware! Beware! Turn back now! Before it's too late. (Phil rolls his eyes and wonders how he allowed himself to be conned into this collaboration.)

The audience roared as the final number came to a close and the performers left the stage, still delirious with the endorphins pumping through their system.

"That was great," Gabrielle exclaimed, still grooving to an imaginary beat. "Wow! What a rush!"

Meanwhile, Joxer, whose eyes would normally be focused on Gabrielle, especially given the outfit she was currently wearing, warily scanned the backstage area. "I'm gonna get that guy who goosed me! He was one of your Solid Gold Dancers, Jace!"

Spotting the slender young man who was responsible for his discomfort, Joxer glared at him. The dancer tossed his long raven locks and, smiling, blew Joxer a kiss.

Joxer pointed. "That's the one!"

Jace looked crestfallen as he looked in the direction Joxer indicated. "Hey! Jou're s'posed to goose me!"

The would-be warrior attempted to draw his weapon, but it got stuck in its sheath. The young dancer smiled seductively at Joxer and winked.

"Would you like some help with your...sword? I can show you how to plunge it deep inside," he offered.

Joxer finally managed to free his sword and took a threatening step towards the dancer, who promptly waved a languid hand at him and ran away.

"Wow! An Amazon and one of Jace's boys in the same day," Xena commented with a smirk.

Gabrielle laughed. "You don't need me tonight after all."

Joxer's ears reddened and he opened his mouth to retort when a dark-skinned man got between them. He was one of the many men who Xena's mother had tried to set her up with during the day.

"Hey, Xena! I loved having you on top in there! How's about we go back to my place and do it again?" he offered with a nudge and a wink.

Xena raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Thanks, but I don't want to stand on your shoulders twice in one night."

Maximinimus shrugged. "Can't blame a guy for trying." He turned to Gabrielle with a lecherous gleam in his eye. "What about your little friend there?"

The bard's mouth flew open as Xena shrugged. "I don't know. Why don't you ask her?"

"Hey!" Joxer protested, but everyone ignored him.

"XENA!" Gabrielle complained. The Warrior Princess refused to look at her, and chuckled at her predicament. Turning to Maximinimus, the bard gave him a sickly-sweet smile. "I'd rather get on Joxer's...uh...shoulders than get it on with you!"

Xena smirked at her best friend. "It's unlucky to turn down three men in one day, Gabrielle."

"So find me another one and I'll make it four," the bard replied.

Joxer protested again. "Hey!"

Maximinimus winked at the bard. "Whaddya say, hon? Just you and me? Maybe a hot tub and a goblet of wine? One night...no strings attached? Except maybe your G-string..."

Gabrielle thought for a moment, then took the man's arm. "What the hell! It's only one night, right?"

Joxer stepped forward and tried to pull her away from the big man. "Gabby, what do you think you're doing?!?"

Maximinimus placidly plucked Joxer off Gabrielle and set him down. "You had your chance, bub. I saw you all over that Amazon chick. Why don't you go play with her for a while? The blonde and I are busy."

The bard walked away with her new companion, leaving Joxer fuming behind them. Joxer spun around and turned his frustration on Xena. "How could you have just let her go off like that? What were you thinking? Why didn't you stop her?"

Xena looked at the warrior wannabe with a cool gaze. "Why did you chase after Amoria if you loved Gabrielle?"

"That was different," Joxer protested, as he glanced at Amoria, who was still flirting with one of Draco's henchmen.

Several large guards approached and led Draco and his men away. Amoria pouted as she watched her latest victim depart, but only for a moment. Then she began to prowl the area looking for her next conquest.

A mousy-looking fellow entered the backstage area holding a bouquet of wildflowers whose day had long passed before he picked them. His head was hung low and his eyes were fixed on the ground. "I just wanted to sing one song. It was such a pretty little song. Why wouldn't anybody let me sing with them?" He sighed as he headed for an exit, his shoes making tiny squeaking sounds.

Amoria looked around, saw the forlorn man, looked around again, and shrugged. "What the hell," she muttered and intercepted him. "What's a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?" she asked with a seductive grin.

The man looked up and was immediately awe-struck. He tentatively held out the floral remains.

"Hello, pretty Amazon. I am Alabardus. Would you let me sing with you?" he sang off-key.

Amoria looked down at him with an amused twinkle in her eye. "Sugar, with a voice like that, you can do anything you want!"

Alabardus' face lit up as she hooked her arm through his and they walked off.

At the other end of the room, six Amazons threw up their hands in disgust and took off in search of the Solid Gold Dancers.

Xena chuckled again at the spectacle and failed to notice that her mother was now at her shoulder with another suitor in tow.

Cyrene tapped her daughter on the shoulder to get her attention. "Xena, I want you to meet...."

"Mom," Xena said in exasperation as she rolled her eyes.

Joxer quickly sized up the situation and got down on one knee. Taking Xena's hand before she could pull it away, he cleared his throat.

"Xena, will you marry me?" he asked nervously.

All eyes turned to the warrior wannabe.

"Your baby could use a father and you already know me," he continued with trepidation.

"What a wonderful idea!" Cyrene cried with joy.

"What about me?" the former suitor asked.

"What about you?" Cyrene replied, dismissing him. "Xena's spoken for. My little baby's getting married!"

"Mother!" Xena snapped. She helped Joxer to his feet. Her blue eyes held a softness uncharacteristic of the Warrior Princess. "That means a lot to me, Joxer, but I can't. I've already accepted your brother's proposal."

Amoria, Alabardis, Gabrielle and Maximinimus rushed back in. "You're marrying Jace?!?" everyone cried out in unison.

Jace's jaw dropped open. "My...uh...proposal?" Xena gave him a look and he quickly caught on to her plan. "Oh, jes! My proposal!" Pulling a ring off his finger, he breathed on it and rubbed it on his shirt before offering it to Xena. "A proper proposal needs a ring."

Cyrene narrowed her eyes. "This is certainly sudden. Why didn't you say something before?"

"We wanted to save it until after the contest," Xena replied.

Cyrene was sceptical, but held her tongue. Joxer, on the other hand, erupted in anger at his brother.

"You hardly know her! It took months before Xena would even give me the time of day! But all you do is meet her and BANG! You're engaged! I give up! I hope you're happy together!" Joxer scowled and turned away.

Gabrielle glared at Xena. "And just when were you planning on telling me about this?"

Xena glanced at Jace. "Well, it happened sort of...suddenly."

"Hwell, Xena an' I haf one thin' in common...eerresistible charm! Eet hwas magic!" Jace added and put an arm around Xena's shoulders.Ê

"And have you two set a date yet?" Cyrene asked, with a mother's suspicion.

"Not yet," Xena answered.

"A few days," Jace said at the same time.

They stared guiltily at each other.

Cyrene smiled sweetly and took Gabrielle by the wrist. "Well, Gabrielle and I had better start making the wedding preparations immediately. Let's see... we need to rent the temple...and the wedding feast, how many people should we invite? Do you think Hercules will be able to make it? We'll need extra food for him."

Gabrielle smirked. "We'll need extra food just for Joxer!"

"Not to mention Gabrielle," Xena couldn't resist saying.

Cyrene laughed and continued: "And the wedding dress...with Xena being pregnant, we'll need to arrange for a seamstress..."

"I can send hwon of my dancers over. He sews all my clothes," Jace offered.

Xena elbowed him. "I think they can take care of it on their own," she said through gritted teeth.

"...and we can't forget about the honeymoon!" Cyrene babbled. "Hmmm... business is a little slow at my place. You could have half of it all to yourselves! Oh, this is so exciting! I can't wait to tell that old biddy Jocasta that Xena's landed a husband!" She continued talking excitedly as she dragged Gabrielle away.

The bard looked back over her shoulder and wailed, "XEEEENNNNAAAAA!!!"

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