DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia, Queen of the Amazons, Xena's best friend
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be hero
Aphrodite, Goddess of Love
Draco, "good" warlord
Minya, would-be heroine
Hower, Minya's boyfriend
Salmoneus, entrepreneur
Orthus ]
Stavro ]
Metaxas]} suitors for Gabrielle's hand
Dion ]
Nikias ]
Argo, Xena's wonder horse
Donna, a citizen of Laurel
Karan, her daughter
one of Aphrodite's cabana boys
Citizens of Laurel
Soldiers in Draco's army

Rating: PG-13.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, comedy, romance.
Violence: Various characters are seized. Minor fighting occurs. A human sacrifice is proposed. No one is killed.
Sex: Some hugging and kissing. Gabrielle is pursued by numerous suitors for her hand.
Language: Squeaky clean.
Subtext: None.
Spoilers: Nothing significant.

Song: THE GIRL FROM POTEIDAIA
(sung to "The Girl from Ipanema")

Young and trim and blonde and lovely,
The girl from Poteidaia is walking,
And as she passes, each man she passes goes:
"Ahhhh..."

With her arms and skirt a-swinging,
When I see her my heart starts singing,
And as she passes, each man she passes goes:
"Ahhhh..."

Oh, how I need her so badly!
But I can't tell her I love her.
I'd give my life for her gladly.
Can she love anybody but Xena?
I wish that she'd turn to me.

Young and trim and blonde and lovely,
The girl from Poteidaia is walking,
And as she passes, she passes in front of me...
She doesn't love me...
I wish she could see...

The two women approaching the village of Laurel were anything but ordinary. For openers, one was tall and the other short. The tall woman was obviously a warrior from her stride and her carriage, and her well-used leather and bronze armor was hardly for show. Her long hair and her countenance were both dark, though a friendly light shone in her blue eyes to belie this.

Next to her, the warrior's companion was a study in contrasts. She was blonde and fair, bearing a long staff in her hands. Though she had clearly seen her share of fighting, her manner was buoyant. She wore no armor, and the end of a scroll stuck out from her shoulder bag.

They led a horse behind them, a golden palomino who stepped proudly. The mare was more than a riding horse or a pack horse; she had seen many of the partners' adventures and had many skills of her own.

Laurel was small, as villages go, but had begun to prosper ever since Xena and Gabrielle had managed to dispose of the vicious giant Gareth a year or two back. The villagers were now trading with nearby Piedmon, which had been spared the depredations of Zagreus and his army at the same time when Xena had conned the warlord into moving his men into Gareth's path.

The women had friends in Laurel. Minya, a dark-haired chunky peasant, and her slightly tubby boyfriend Hower had helped them against the twin menaces. Minya was a great admirer of Xena; so, unfortunately, was Hower, but the Warrior Princess took care of that by advising the woman to wear a little leather once in a while. Minya, who could look very pretty at times, appeared even better in the outfit. Hower, predictably, chose the woman he knew and cared for.

Minya spotted the two heroines first.

"Xena! Gabrielle!" she cried. "You're back!"

"Hi, Minya!" Gabrielle greeted her in return. "How are your hormones?"

"Doing just fine. So's Hower."

"I'm glad," Xena said with a smile. "It's good to see you again, Minya."

Suddenly, they heard a clamor of mismatched armor together with cries of pain. These were followed by Joxer, who was unsuccessfully fleeing from a swarm of bees. As the three women ducked out of the way, he tossed his pack aside and dove into a horse trough with a tremendous splash. Frustrated, the bees departed.

"Let me guess," Gabrielle suggested with more than a hint of sarcasm as she helped the dripping Joxer out of the trough. "Sweets for your sweet?"

He sputtered and accidentally spit water in Xena's direction, narrowly avoiding her.

"Uh, I suppose so. Sorry."

Several villagers who had seen the spectacle laughed, causing Joxer's face to turn beet red.

"Now I'm all wet, too!" Gabrielle complained to more laughter. Joxer fished in his armor and on the third try produced a cloth which, however, was as wet as he. The bard glared at him, and he tried to wring it out, but it slipped out of his hands and fell in the trough again.

"Here," Minya said, handing her a dry cloth. Gabrielle gratefully accepted the help and began to dry herself off.

"So, Joxer, what brings you here besides sugar for your honey? Or should I say honey for your sugar?" Xena teased. Gabrielle shot her friend a nasty look.

"Well, actually I was on my way home to Corinth to say hi to Mom and maybe see if some trader could use another guard for a while. I'm a little low on dinars."

He rummaged in his pack and puled out a half-finished carving of Gabrielle, several more pieces of wood, a pot with a hole in it - which he discarded, barely missing Minya's head as he threw it - a crumpled scroll, a worn tunic and finally a bag of carrots. He pulled a few out of the latter and fed them to Argo, who whickered with pleasure.

"Then I heard you guys were around," he continued, "and I saw this beehive in a tree, and I figured Gabby would like some honey, and besides, I'm mightier than any bees that ever lived, and..." he ground down to a halt.

"Next time, smoke the bees out," Xena suggested.

Gabrielle's disgust changed to concern as she saw how many stings Joxer had collected. His face looked a little puffy.

"Minya, we need something to pull the stingers out and some salve to ease the swelling," the bard said.

"I'm on it!" Minya exclaimed, and nearly saluted before running to her house.

Joxer took off his armor and dried each piece with a cloth from his pack while Xena hitched Argo to a convenient post. Then Xena sat him down as Minya returned, and she helped Gabrielle with first aid, skillfully if painfully. "OW!" Joxer kept crying out.

"Getting me things isn't the way to show me how you feel, you know," Gabrielle told the clumsy warrior. "I already know you love me."

"Well, it's not like I'm allowed to get real affectionate with you," he replied. "OW!" Another stinger had been pulled out.

"Look, Joxer, it's your loyalty and friendship that count the most, not presents or kisses. Like when you let me sleep a few extra minutes every so often, or try to help me when I'm stuck on a word, that kind of thing. Okay?"

"Okay. OW! Now I feel better about not buying that perfume for you."

"What perfume?" Gabrielle asked.

"Salmoneus has been hawking this stuff from town to town. OW! He calls it 'Gabrielle' something or other. I wanted to get you some, but I needed to eat, too," he said guiltily.

"You made the right choice, Joxer," Xena approved, "but I don't like what Salmoneus may be up to. Do you know which way he's going?"

"OW! Sure. He said that after he finished up in Piedmon he was coming here."

"Great. And he's using my name," Gabrielle said sullenly. "I'm surprised he didn't stick your name on it, Xena."

"Who, me?" the Warrior Princess laughed. "What would he call it - 'Xena's Destruction, the Scent of Warlords?' No, you and I are the Original Olive Oil Soap Girls," she joked. Gabrielle rolled her eyes.

"I should never have suggested she try storytelling," the bard told Minya. "All she gives me is one-liners."

Minya pulled out the last stinger and slapped salve on the spot. "OW!" Joxer cried again.

"Hey guys, how about some lunch at my place?" Minya invited. "You too, Joxer. Hower's gotten pretty good at catching fish ever since he stopped trying to do it with his hands."

Gabrielle gave Xena a smirk.

"What?" the latter asked her best friend. "It's more fun that way."

"If you say so," the bard replied, "but it isn't your chakram that smells like a fish when you do that."

"I always wash up!" Xena protested.

Gabrielle merely giggled, and Xena realized she'd been had. They walked to Minya's house, Joxer squishing with each step.

Hower greeted them at the door. He had been alerted when Minya procured her first-aid supplies for Joxer; several trout were frying in olive oil. There was also plenty of other fare: vegetables, bread, fruit and cheese enough to satisfy everyone, even Gabrielle.

Over the meal they caught up with events since Minya had last met with Gabrielle, Xena and Joxer.

"Hower and I are engaged," Minya announced proudly. She displayed a copper bracelet inlaid with designs in gold. "When I got back after our little adventure with that warlord and the barbarians, well, my hormones were still jumping..."

"Minya has great hormones," Hower said.

"...so when he took care of them he proposed to me."

"Have you set a date?" Gabrielle asked.

"Not yet," Minya sighed. "Hower insists on paying the old-fashioned bride price, even though I live on my own now."

"I'm still saving up," he said defensively.

Minya leaned over and kissed him. "I trust you, Hower."

He blushed.

"Congratulations," Xena told them. "It looks like you have a good partnership already."

Unnoticed in the merriment, Joxer hung his head sadly and pretended to be interested in his food. Afterwards, he offered to help Hower clean up so the women could buy supplies and wait for Salmoneus to turn up. Xena gave him an inquisitive glance out of Gabrielle's sight, but he merely shook his head and gave his friend a wan smile by way of thanks. Xena nodded.

Aphrodite's cabana boys were tall, muscular and dumb, but they sure could give good back rubs. That was what the Goddess of Love needed right now, and one of the boys went to it with a will.

"Ooh, those strong fingers," she crooned. "A little to the right, now. There. Ahhh. Do I have a knot?"

"No, just a little tight spot from overwork," the cabana boy replied. "It's smoothing itself out already."

"Yeah, they say 'love is in the air,' but who puts it there, huh? Hello! Do they remember? You think they'd give me some nice stuff once in a while. Lately it's been the same funky perfume over and over. I don't even like it. Oh, well, one more temple and I'll call it a day."

She stood, accepted a diaphanous gown, donned it and visited the temple. Examining the gifts presented at her altar, she gave a half-smile.

"No fish, at least. But where do they get this junk from? The Horde?"

She tossed aside a gaudy but cheap pair of earrings, turned up her nose at a ripe cheese, dismissed a bolt of linen as "too rough," rubbed a strand of pearls against her teeth, remarking, "Those are real. Not bad at all," and finally spotted a familiar bottle.

"Oh, no, not that perfume again!"

For the first time she read the label. "'Gabrielle No. 5!' That irritating blonde is in the perfume business now? Too much! That's what I get for promising mighty boy not to make her fall in love with him. But that doesn't mean I couldn't cast a different spell on her..."

Taking the pearls, she vanished.

Salmoneus strutted into Laurel, flushed with success at Piedmon, or maybe it was from walking too fast as he pulled his wares behind him in a small cart. Humming a pleasant tune as he thought of the dinars he was making, he went straight to the center of town and set up his stand. Next he unfurled a banner which bore the Roman letter G intertwined with its reverse image. Below this was the legend:

GABRIELLE
Lutetium - Roma - Athenai

Placing several bottles of perfume on top of the stand, he began his pitch. "Ladies! Do your men take your natural beauty for granted? Let the House of Gabrielle make you irresistible! 'Gabrielle No. 5,' the perfume fit for a goddess!"

Aphrodite appeared, unseen, as he said this. "So that's why this crud winds up on my altars," she told herself.

"Yes, one delightful whiff and he'll turn away from the latest Olympic Games results and give you some results! Only three dinars for the small bottle, or keep him hooked longer with the large size for only five dinars!"

Xena, Gabrielle and Minya, emerging from the house, caught most of the pitch.

"Maybe I should try some," Minya said. "Sometimes Hower gets a little... distracted." She glanced at Xena and smiled.

"No, Minya, just be yourself. That's all Hower really wants," Xena replied.

Gabrielle was tracing arcs in the air with her staff. "Should I hit him in the breadbasket or go for the bottles?" she asked herself.

"I'm sure you'll come up with something," Xena said confidently.

Meanwhile, Salmoneus continued to hawk his perfume.

"Now gentlemen, Gabrielle No. 5 makes an excellent gift - oh, hello, Gabrielle!" The bard, fire in her eyes, had decided not to hit him after all, at least not right away. Instead, she grabbed the front of his tunic and pulled him partly over the top of his stand, scattering bottles.

"Salmoneus, who said you could put my name on a bottle of perfume?"

"What do you mean, your name?" he protested. She pulled him closer. "Look," he said in a higher-pitched voice. "Who says you're the only Gabrielle in these parts?" She tugged harder, and his voice climbed still higher up the octave. "All right, so you're the only Gabrielle in these parts! But the name is so angelic! Dreamy, like the dreams my customers have. Dreams of love!"

Gabrielle released him with a small shove. He fell backwards on his can, whereupon Xena roughly lifted him to his feet.

"Here, have some free samples," he wheedled, "and you'll see why I had to call it 'Gabrielle No. 5.'" He held out a bottle to Gabrielle, who took it, opened it and cautiously smelled it. Xena held back.

"Try it. You'll like it. Lots of other women have," he told the Warrior Princess.

Salmoneus offered her the bottle of perfume again, and this time Xena accepted it. She took a sniff and wrinkled her nose. "If this is 'Gabrielle No. 5,' I'd hate to smell numbers one through four," she wisecracked. "Here, Minya, it's yours if you want it." Minya took the gift, murmuring thanks.

"I kinda like it," Gabrielle said.

"Then you'll endorse it?"

"Salmoneus -" Xena warned.

"I'll pay you. 'The Fragrance Worn by Gabrielle, the Bard of Poteidaia and Queen of the Amazons.' Say, fifty dinars up front and a share of the profits?"

"There won't be any profits," Xena said, flatly.

"But we can use the fifty dinars," Gabrielle pointed out. "You might thrive on a Spartan diet, but I like to eat once in a while. And Argo needs shoeing."

Argo, still hitched nearby, neighed in agreement, nodding her head up and down.

"All right, Gabrielle. When Argo agrees with you, it's an event."

Gabrielle dabbed the perfume behind her ears. "Salmoneus, I hereby endorse 'Gabrielle No. 5.' Now show me the money."

Aphrodite watched the exchange with interest. She was on the point of forgiving Gabrielle. Then came the endorsement.

"So you want to be irresistible, blondie? You got it."

The Goddess of Love gestured, and little sparks like miniature rose petals briefly surrounded the bard.

"Xena, do you smell roses?" Gabrielle asked.

"Yeah," her partner agreed. "Must be something in that perfume."

Meanwhile, Salmoneus turned with shining eyes toward Gabrielle. He handed her a pouch.

"Fifty dinars," he said. "Honest weight, too. Oh, lucky dinars, to pass from my hands into yours, such trim white fingers counting them..."

"Salmoneus, are you all right?" Gabrielle knew that his first love was money.

"Oh, yes! I am better than all right, my dear! Just to be able to bask in your presence and hear your glorious bardic voice makes my life complete! Ask me again if I'm all right!"

"WOW! That stuff packs a wallop!" Minya cried. She splashed the perfume liberally on her neck and ran back to her house, calling, "Hower! Oh, Hower!"

Instantly Salmoneus was mobbed by the women of the village, who bought up his entire stock of Gabrielle No. 5 in a matter of minutes. Gabrielle and Xena took the opportunity to put some distance between themselves and the entrepreneur.

"I don't get it," the bard told Xena. "Why didn't he try to flatter me until after we cut our deal?"

"Beats me. Anyway, that's settled. We need some more flour and olive oil, didn't you say?"

"And a new grip for my staff. Oh, yeah, and some more fishing line. I wonder if they've got lures?"

"Since when are you interested in fishing lures?"

"Since you started making them out of my hair! I will not let you snatch me bald, no matter how hungry I get!"

"All right," Xena laughed. "We'll buy some lures. I had something else in mind, too. Now that we're flush, how about a present for Joxer?"

"Joxer? What did he do now?"

"I was thinking about those figurines he gave us. He's not just trying to win you with gifts, Gabrielle. That was an act of genuine friendship, and I'd like to do something nice in return."

"Haven't we done enough for him already?"

"Sure. Or are you counting the times you've tried to reshape his nose?"

"Like you haven't?"

"I know. He's a pain, but he's a nice guy, too. So if you wanted to give him something, what would it be? And don't tell me, 'a kick in the -'"

"How about a lute? He's pretty decent with that."

"I like it! Okay, now we have to get Joxer out of here for a while so we can buy it and hide it until we're ready to give it to him."

"Leave it to me," Gabrielle assured her. "You gave me just the right idea. Why don't you get the other stuff while I take care of him?"

"All right. Meet you back at Salmoneus's stand."

Gabrielle ran back to Minya's house and almost into Joxer. Knowing her clumsy friend's timing, she stopped just short of the doorway, and sure enough, he walked through.

"That was close, Gabby."

"Like I told Xena, I know you almost as well as I know her." She put her arm around his shoulder. "And I know you still want to get me that honey, don't you?"

"Well...yeah. You really want some? No fooling?"

"No fooling." Actually, it would be nice if Joxer got some. She had forgotten to add it to Xena's shopping list. "So you could do what Xena said and smoke the bees out, right?"

"Right!"

"But don't make too big a fire. You don't want to burn up the hive! Just a little smoke to lull the bees to sleep. I used to do it when I was a little girl."

"Could you help me?" he asked, seriously.

"No, the honey would be sweeter coming from you." She felt a twinge of conscience when she said that, but let it pass. He'd like his new lute.

"Then you must have it!" Detaching himself from her arm, he seized her hand and kissed it before she could pull it away, and strode off in the direction of the wild hive. After a few paces, he stopped, turned toward Gabrielle and waved. "I shall return with your honey, or upon it!" he shouted. "Oops, that didn't sound right." Then he continued on his way, whistling his "Joxer the Mighty" song off-key.

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