For the rest of the day, Gabrielle remained in the hut, drinking water only sparingly. She ate nothing, as was customary, but she was not hungry in any event. Again and again she reviewed the might-have-beens. Was it her own fault that Dahak raped her? I could have tried to take the knife away from Meridian. That would have disrupted the sacrifice. If the knife were important enough, they would have had to get it back...and maybe I could have gotten away and made it to Xena.
But did going to Xena help? She never made it in time...too busy with her Caesar obsession. Did I have to kill Hope, or did Xena make me do it after all? I never really saw her kill anybody, but suppose Xena was right. Then it's my fault for falling asleep when the baby was awake, wasn't it? I could have stopped her; I know I could. But Xena forced me to abandon my baby, my baby...what kind of a mother abandons her baby?
XENA! She abandoned her son. She wouldn't even tell Solan who she was. And I went along with it, damned fool that I am. Now she's abandoned me because I wouldn't abandon my daughter, my Hope...
Hot tears fell down her cheeks. Though she turned away quickly to hide her distress, she had been seen, and an attendant who had been posted for this very purpose left the hut, returning a few minutes later with Ephiny.
"I'm all right," the bard softly moaned when the regent sat on a corner of the cot.
"No, you're not," Ephiny contradicted, but her voice was all friendship and smiles. "Otherwise, you wouldn't be here." She signaled for a cloth, which she placed around Gabrielle as she gently raised her to a sitting position. "Want to talk about it?"
This was part of the ritual. Frequently other Amazons would share the sauna, purging their bodies along with their lesser hurts, at the same time offering kindness and a gentle touch to those who needed quiet support. It was not unusual for a woman undergoing the ceremony to unburden herself before her sister Amazons. Gabrielle tended to be silent, but this time Ephiny was especially welcome.
"I abandoned my family in Poteidaia," Gabrielle began, "everyone I knew. I guess what goes around comes around. I abandoned my daughter and she turned evil. Now Xena has abandoned me. It's only fair."
"Not everyone has abandoned you, Gabrielle. I haven't. Your sisters haven't. No one is alone. It's hard to see the light now, but even after all these terrible things you are still the same Gabrielle I learned to love. I know you've made many friends on your travels. You haven't given them a chance yet." Ephiny squeezed her queen's shoulder. "You've barely given me a chance."
Now Gabrielle gathered Ephiny in a strong hug and began to cry again, soft sobs shaking her body. Some minutes later she released her, doing her best to smile. "Thanks," she said. "You haven't given up on me. And you're right. I can think of a few others who wouldn't - besides my sisters, of course."
There was that healer, Democritus...Orion, from the Academy...Joxer. I wonder...would he understand? Probably not. He tries, though. Maybe I should turn everything over to Ephiny and travel around with Joxer. On the other hand, he doesn't make for the most exciting copy, unless you count comedy. And I'd have to protect him...but Xena had to protect me...Tartarus, I bet I'd do a better job than she did! I wish Joxer were here. Then I'd know.
"Remembering some of them?" Ephiny asked.
"Uh-huh. Could you sit with me a while?"
Ephiny did. Although doing so comforted both women, Ephiny's sense of caution was accurate. When night fell, Gabrielle did not go to her own bed, but remained in the purification hut. The fire was banked, and Gabrielle donned her chiton before wrapping herself in a sleeping fur. Although Therene sent over a sleeping draught, the bard did not use it, quietly dropping off. Her dreams did not disturb her. Afterwards, Gabrielle could not remember any of them except for a clear image of Joxer talking with Ephiny, which the bard ascribed to having thought about both of them earlier.
Before dawn, a couple of attendants slipped inside to tend the fire and restore the sauna atmosphere. Therene joined them shortly thereafter. She raised an eyebrow at the untouched potion.
"I fell asleep without it," Gabrielle whispered.
"That's a good sign," the Caduceophora said. "Sleep well?"
"I did. Honestly, I'm not a baby."
"That's true," Therene chuckled. "Babies don't always sleep well, especially at first. They often wake up crying, though with much better reason than most adults who do that. Come, take a break from this and eat something."
"No, thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Nonsense. Your appetite is a running gag around here. You should eat anyway."
"I'm not leaving the hut, Therene. You know I'm supposed to fast during the ceremony," Gabrielle asserted.
The Caduceophora nodded. "We'll leave the matter for now. Just remember that staying in here too long will only weaken you, the same as if you were laboring in the hot sun without relief."
"Will it matter? If this doesn't work..."
"Young lady, you are not dying on my watch! Queen or not, I will haul you out of there myself and turn you over my knee first!" Therene's manner was jocular, but she was serious. "I'm sure Ephiny will help me."
"But why? Anybody can be the queen," Gabrielle said.
"No, not anybody. Velasca could not."
"You win. So, since you're checking up on me anyway, what else do you want to know?"
"Let me examine you for a few minutes. Did you have a headache or any unusual pains, fell logy or something like that?"
"Nothing," Gabrielle replied, "except depressed, but you knew that already."
"I see..." The Caduceophora lifted Gabrielle's eyelids and peered into the pupils, had the queen open her mouth and (after she had looked inside) cough. She placed her ear over Gabrielle's heart, then took her pulse. The bard knew better than to object; Therene was doing her job, and cared about her sister Amazons besides, just as Ephiny cared. They were not about to make any exceptions for Gabrielle's mood. "Your body is healthy, at least. Remove your garment, please. I need to sponge you off." Taking up a water-filled ewer, she did as she said, finishing by rubbing the queen with olive oil.
"There," Therene concluded. "You are ready for the next round. Keep drinking water at least. It will help. I also want you to make sure that you use the chamber pot; that's part of the purging. If you need them, I have some herbs to help you for that."
Seized by a sudden impulse of affection, Gabrielle kissed the old healer on the cheek. "Thanks, Therene. I'll do that. You know, maybe I don't deserve to be your queen."
"My dear, if we thought that, we'd send you packing for Poteidaia. Very well, I'll leave you to your meditations, but whatever you do, don't feel sorry for yourself. That will only make you sadder, not wiser."
"I'll try," Gabrielle said in a small voice.
You'd better, Therene thought, or I will spank you. Even if you weren't my queen, you aren't the na¥ve little girl who first visited us two years ago.
Am I turning into Xena? Gabrielle wondered. Nobody kills without feeling something, nobody human, that is. She felt something...but why was she so insistent on killing Hope without ever giving her a chance...without ever giving me a chance...
Xena said she never made war on women and children, but she let her army do as it pleased. When she gets obsessed with something, that's all she ever thinks of...was I that way with Hope? Why can't I see what Xena sees? Am I still so inexperienced?
The worst part is, what happens if I kill somebody that I want to kill? Somebody like Callisto...if anybody hurt my family...but Xena made me kill Hope...my Hope...my family...I could kill Xena. Gods, I hate her!
Snap out of it, Gabrielle! Hope wasn't my family; she was a demon. She didn't love anybody. But I never got to teach her how to love. I just abandoned her. Damn you, Xena! I should have made you kill me to get to Hope. Then where would you be, huh? I hate you! You did this to me. You punished me for being raped, just like Hera punished Io.
The soft switching of fig branches against her naked skin brought Gabrielle back to herself. She heard the soft drumming and chanting again instead of her tortured inner voice. Eponin was standing over her, a look of concern in her eyes because Gabrielle's own appeared glassy and vacant in the misty air of the hut.
"What is it, Eponin? I was just thinking."
"My queen, it might be good for you to spend some time on your duties. It will ease your mind and make the ritual easier on you."
"This is my duty, Eponin. If I'm not clean, how can I be the queen?"
"No one will put you to shame," the Loremistress replied. "On the other hand, no one's going to drag you out and get you into the light where you belong. There is another matter. I regret to mention this, but we must prepare a sacrifice to Artemis that I may purify you of the blood of Hope."
"Her blood will always be on my hands, even after I am cleansed here," Gabrielle replied, shaking her head.
"That's as may be, my queen, but it is your responsibility to be purified for our sakes. You are not Xena to atone for your sins with a sword, and however evil Hope may have been, as a child she could claim Artemis as her protectress."
"That didn't help Iphigenia, did it? Artemis made her father sacrifice her."
"Calchas misunderstood the oracle," Eponin replied. "Iphigenia was to become an Amazon. We sent a party to welcome her, but when they got to Mycenae the girl was dead and the fleet had sailed for Troy. Agamemnon paid for his mistake with his life."
"That version hasn't gotten around. Okay, we'll have the sacrifice after I'm done here." Assuming I don't get carried out feet first.
Shortly after this, Ephiny, Therene and Eponin were closeted in Ephiny's hut, Gabrielle still being foremost on their minds.
"Any improvement?" the regent wanted to know. "Some of the other council members are becoming restless because the queen hasn't moved from the hut. They don't mind nature taking its course, but they'd rather be more sure of what that course may be."
"Gabrielle is making the effort," the Caduceophora answered, "but she is not yet committed to living. Worse, she is running out of time. The longer she goes without food, especially salt, the weaker she will grow. She may become delirious soon. The ritual was meant for several hours, not several days."
"My friend, I hate to have to recommend this," the Loremistress said to Ephiny, "but you may have to take over as queen so you can order Gabrielle out of there. She won't leave until she thinks she's clean, and if her will is bent to that instead of to life..."
"Then she will die," Ephiny concluded. "But if I do as you suggest, that still does not give her the will to live. She may very well find another way to kill herself. All we can do is pray to Artemis, keep encouraging Gabrielle and love her as we have always loved her."
"What about Xena?" Eponin asked. "Couldn't she be reconciled?"
"She would not talk to me after the death of her son," the regent replied, "except to arrange for his funeral. Xena would not even acknowledge Gabrielle's existence. Still, what can be done, I have done. This morning I sent Solari with a squad to search for Xena and ask her to come here, but if Xena is as single-minded as Gabrielle, I doubt that she will listen."
"The humiliation of forced abdication will only drive Gabrielle deeper into the arms of Hades," Therene remarked. "You are right to avoid it, Ephiny. I will attempt to persuade the queen to atone by assisting me. By healing others she can find the strength to heal herself. For now, however, we should back off. Certainly keep checking in on her. However, we must not pressure her. When she has finally lost all hope, I will go to her. Let her work through the pain."
"Good advice," the Loremistress agreed. "It's time for a quiet period right now. Perhaps Gabrielle might reflect on our love for a change. Oh, well," she sighed, "I'd better go and earn those big dinars you pay me."
The others chuckled, as Eponin had hoped, for she was worried about them, too. The joke was that Amazons only use money for trading. Eponin got up from her seat, touched her close friend Ephiny on the shoulder as a gesture of reassurance and went back to the purification hut.
Thanks to Eponin's suggestion, Gabrielle rallied that afternoon. If she still felt unworthy of love, at least she grasped that her sister Amazons were pulling for her. All, that is, except Phye, a tall redheaded warrior who had been part of Velasca's faction and was one of the advanced instructors in fighting and riding. Gabrielle had named her to her council of advisors in place of Velasca, but if Phye appreciated the honor it was not evident from the warrior's behavior.
Phye was not on the queen's mind, however. They know what I did, and they still want me to find a way. Deserving or not, they won't give up on me. Xena gave up. I suppose I gave her reason to, but I couldn't let her kill...What if Xenan had died, too? Would Ephiny forgive me then? That's the difference. Xena lost her son, I lost my daughter, but Ephiny still has her son.
Hades, please bless Solan. He deserved better than he got. And if Hope wasn't completely evil...maybe you could find the redemption for her that I couldn't.
Where do I go from here? If I travel, I'll run into Xena again...that won't be pretty. If she were going to kill me, though, she would have done it already. On the other hand, that would have been merciful, and Xena shows no mercy to her enemies. Except maybe Callisto, but Xena created Callisto...no, I should stay put. I won't be the queen any more. Xena may need the Amazons, and I don't want to be in the way...or I could just let my life slip away here, among friends who love me. Live or die, I know I'll have the Amazons' love.
Solari was frustrated. Xena's trail hadn't been particularly fresh, though the signs did seem to indicate that the Warrior Princess had given Amazon territory a wide berth. The War Leader had sent her best tracker, a compact wiry woman named Hyale in honor of one of Artemis's nymphs, ahead of the party to see if she could discover more. Meanwhile, the squad continued to lope along the trail at a steady pace. The ground was getting higher.
Eventually, Hyale returned to report. "Bad news," she said. "Xena went up into the mountains. It's almost like she wants to challenge Olympus."
"That's all we need," Solari griped. "Xena isn't all there, the gods might get annoyed, and we have to freeze our buns up here. Did you figure out which one she's climbing?"
"I did. That high one." Hyale pointed to a snowcapped peak ranged with broken foothills.
"Okay, Amazons, you know the drill. Break out the olive oil," Solari directed.
Rubbed all over their bodies, it would provide some protection from the cold, at least.
After the quiet period, Amazons drifted into the hut again. Not wishing to disturb her, the women acknowledged their queen with smiles and nods. A few were plainly worried and not a little afraid of the terrible events that tormented Gabrielle, but none spoke of it, the occasional sounds being sighs of pleasure at being able to relax after a day of hard but productive work. One or two whispered of little hurts and annoyances that disappeared in the steam and sweat, sent on their way with giggles of laughter at the idea that small things could be so bothersome.
Beneath it all, soft chanting and the beat of the drum resumed, the soft undercurrent like the pulse of a heartbeat and the flow of breath. Purification was one of the things that united the Amazons, and a sensitive woman like Gabrielle could not remain unmoved by the spirit of unity and friendship. Almost against her will, she relaxed her body, mustering a smile to welcome Roswitha, who had come to sponge off the queen and anoint her with oil again.
"Still spying for Ephiny?" Gabrielle whispered.
"Of course, my queen. You seem to be feeling better."
"A little, but not enough...not nearly enough."
"May I speak freely?" Roswitha asked.
"Of course," the queen agreed.
"Then I say it will never be enough. Get up, eat something, enjoy the night air and sleep on a proper cot tonight. The purification hut will still be here in the morning."
"I...I can't, Roswitha. How can I show my face when I can't even face myself? Innocent people died because of me. Why are they gone while I'm still here? I know, that's one of the questions even Socrates can't answer, but there has to be some truth in there somewhere. Without it, I'll never be able to make the decisions a queen has to make. I have to find it. I owe it to you for your love."
"Love doesn't come with a price," Roswitha replied. "It's as natural as breathing."
Gabrielle disagreed. "Love does come with a price. It means commitment. And sometimes it means getting out of the way. If I hadn't been all over Xena to let me travel with her -"
"Then we would have been wiped out fighting the Centaurs and Krykus. People are also alive because of your choices, my queen. That is part of the truth you seek, I hope."
"I hope so, too," Gabrielle said. "Thank you, Roswitha."
"Just part of the price of love, as you put it."
No one could persuade Gabrielle not to spend a second night in the purification hut, or to leave it for even a few minutes to eat something. She continued to rack her mind as her body kept purging itself. Gabrielle had now seized on the idea that perhaps something terrible might happen to the Amazons if they continued to care for her.
There was that poor Arcadian girl, Nonacris. She was one of Artemis's companions, but when Zeus raped her, Artemis didn't want to have anything to do with her. It wasn't even the girl's fault! She even tried to fight him off. Fine behavior for the Goddess of Childbirth, to abandon a pregnant woman. Nonacris could have used some help. I mean, was it fair for Artemis to let Hera turn Nonacris into a bear after she had given birth so that her boy might kill her hunting when he grew up? Even Zeus treated her better. At least he made Nonacris and Arcas into constellations, even if Hera wouldn't let them rest in the ocean during the day.
Maybe Artemis couldn't have done anything. Hera took her bow away and beat on her with it at Troy. But Artemis could have tried. Suppose she decides I've offended her, too? What happens to the Amazons?
Sleep provided no comfort. Clear pictures of Xena still in mourning and Joxer hurrying somewhere were interspersed with chaotic nightmares where she was choking the life out of Solan with her own hands at Hope's urging, or else stabbing Xena instead of Meridian. Even worse was an image of Ephiny and Eponin strapping her to the altar in the temple of Dahak just before Velasca approached with a raised dagger...
With all the will she had remaining, Gabrielle forced herself awake. Near to hand was another sleeping draught from Therene, and this time the bard drank it. Before she settled into unconsciousness, she saw herself as a ragged slave, singing the praises of her mistress before a pack of brutish, unwashed warlords.
And her mistress was Callisto.
"What does Gabrielle expect, a quick fix?" Ephiny complained in the morning after Therene had reported that the queen was starting to weaken. "I know I blamed myself when Phantes died for not thinking of another route away from Thessaly, but I let the pain take its course."
"And if Xenan had died?" Eponin asked.
"I would not be killing myself over it. I might still be angry with Gabrielle, even hate her for the rest of my life, but I would not waste my life with brooding."
"So get her out of there now," Therene advised. "It has become a matter of life and death."
"I can't, not yet. It will still do us more harm than good. There are those who are using the argument of tradition to persuade many of the undecided to let Gabrielle have her way."
"Phye," Eponin said. "She wants Gabrielle dead, or at least not the queen, but doesn't want to break the fragile truce between us."
"She is not the only one, but you hit the mark," Ephiny agreed. "Even though there is no tradition to cover this, I can't risk interrupting the ritual until Gabrielle's death is imminent. Then I go in, regardless of the consequences."
"You might be too late if you wait that long," Therene warned. "Hours, even minutes count now."
"Do we dare lose everything we have rebuilt?" Ephiny replied.
"No. I will check her again after the next quiet period," the Caduceophora said. "Then, Ephiny, you will have to decide."
The regent nodded her agreement. "Artemis help us all."
Philippis was tall and dark, rather like Xena, the Warrior Princess, but her face was quite different. Though she had seen her share of fighting, as almost all Amazons had, there was a light in her eyes that experience had not yet dulled. She missed her horse badly. Still, each Amazon rotated among various secondary duties, and it was her squadron's turn to leave their mounts behind and patrol from the heights of the forest.
Today, the patrol threatened to be dully routine. Even the fact that she was now tracking a man was nothing unusual. Philippis had heard him coming, his ungainly armor making clunking noises with each ungainly step. She was content to watch, as his hurried tread suggested that he was one of those youths who ventured briefly into Amazon territory, then turned around and sped home full of tall tales about mighty deeds. The Amazons usually left them alone, as few believed the stories and no harm was done. Occasionally a younger warrior would haul a boy in, tease him a little and let him go. A few of those accepted the jest in the spirit of fun, and friendships were born. From these friendships, Queen Melosa and later Ephiny built alliances with the nearby villages.
This man turned out to be different. The trail was clear to Philippis, but the man had trouble picking his way. Soon he stopped, obviously lost. He removed his strange-looking helmet, when had the effect of rendering him more handsome, and began to scratch his head, muttering. The only word the Amazon could make out was the name of her queen. Downcast, he tried to retrace his steps, but failed miserably.
Time to do my job. Philippis whistled once, a signal to the other women, put on her mask and dropped down from the trees, landing lightly in front of the man. He did not appear to be much of a warrior. In any event, he did not offer to draw his weapon, but shook with fear.
"He-hello," he said. "Are you an Amazon?"
Is he stupid? All right, I'll play along. "Yes. I am an Amazon," she said in the most threatening voice she could muster. "Why do you violate our territory?"
"I-I-I'm sorry. I di-didn't mean to," he stammered. "I gotta find Gabrielle. The road..."
"Do you mean Queen Gabrielle?" Philippis demanded. More masked Amazons joined her.
Surprisingly, the man calmed down a little. "Yeah. She's the queen. I heard something bad happened and Xena walked out on her. Gabrielle's my friend. I gotta help her! Which way is the road?"
"No Amazon needs any man's help. Turn back now and you will be permitted to leave."
"How in Tartarus do I do that? I'm lost. Look, you don't know her like I do. She needs me, damn it! She needs all the friends she can get." He grew hotter and hotter with frustration, though his tone was not threatening.
"Very well, you shall find out for yourself that she does not need you. You are under arrest," Philippis announced, and her captain nodded. "Surrender your weapons."
The man did not resist. He unbuckled his swordbelt and stood quietly as his hands were bound behind him.
The captain doffed her mask. She was a veteran, revealed by the slight wrinkling around her grey eyes and at the corners of her mouth. In a gesture to vanity, she wore a leather neck guard, less to protect her from injury than to hide some wrinkles there, too. Her muscles, however, were no less trim and taut than those of any of the other Amazons.
"Tell me your name," she demanded.
"Joxer, ma'am. Joxer the Mighty."
"I am Captain Ctessa. You will address me as such."
"Yes, Captain," he meekly complied.
"'Joxer the Mighty,'" Ctessa repeated, amused. "I must admit, you are different from the usual run of braggarts we catch. You're taking this more calmly than most, and you're the first one I ever met who didn't stare at my body. What's stranger is that I can tell you're the sort who should be staring at all of us like a child at a candy stall. Either you made a foolish bet that you would meet our queen, or you're telling the truth."
"I am telling the truth, Captain!" Joxer protested. "Please, you gotta let me see Gabby - I mean, Queen Gabrielle."
"We 'gotta' do nothing of the sort. However, that is for Ephiny to decide. Philippis, escort the prisoner to the village. Tell Ephiny that he is harmless enough and that he claims to be a friend of the queen. If he is lying, he can haul wood for the next month. This is your last chance, Joxer. Do you insist that you need to see Queen Gabrielle? If you abandon this foolish quest, you will be set free and escorted to the border."
"It's not a foolish quest. Friends help each other out. Gabrielle's helped me lots of times, and I -" he was on the point of bragging when he realized that only the truth would serve, "- I helped her out once or twice. Well, maybe once. Sort of. No, maybe twice. Or was it -"
"I get your drift," Ctessa interrupted. "She will not see you, however. Queen Gabrielle is undergoing the purification ritual."
"Purification ritual? She's the sweetest, nicest girl - er, woman - that ever was. She never did anything wrong in her life!"
"I saw her go into the hut myself before starting this patrol. Only she and Ephiny know why, and I doubt Ephiny will tell you. Perhaps you're right. The queen needs every friend she can muster right now. Go with Philippis to the village. Philippis, unbind him and return his weapons but watch carefully. He is still your prisoner."
"Thank you, Captain," Joxer said. His escort showed him the correct direction along a path that was nearly impossible to see. Ctessa and her patrol returned to the treetops.
Sweat flowed from Gabrielle's tortured pores, but she felt no cleaner. Amazons switched her with fronds, and their touch irritated her skin further, but there was no release. She closed her eyes against the monotonous sight of steam and wooden walls. There was no lessening of the dull ache she still felt from the loss of her daughter; no filling of the empty space once occupied by Xena's love.
"My queen," one of the attendants whispered, "you should drink some water. This ritual is for purification, not torture."
Gabrielle shook her head.
Others resumed the low chanting that had gone on most of the time since the ceremony began. It drew off a part of the pain, but not enough; not nearly enough. The queen felt as though her heart would break within her at any second.
I will be clean, or I will be dead.
Then Gabrielle felt something new. It did not ease her distress, but there was comfort in that feeling. It did not fill that empty space, but it seemed to fill another. It felt like Ephiny's offers of help, but was different.
A friend is coming. Someone who cares. Who should anyone bother with me? I'm dirty and evil. Still, Ephiny didn't think so. Neither did my sisters. If they won't give up on me, then I won't give up, at least not yet.
Gabrielle rolled onto her side. At once, the switching stopped, and an attendant draped a clean cloth over the queen's naked body.
"I'll take that water now," Gabrielle said.