DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Gabrielle, Queen of the Amazons
Ephiny, Amazon Regent
Eponin, Amazon Loremistress
Solari, Amazon War Leader
Phye, tall Amazon warrior
Philippis, Amazon equestrienne
Ctessa, captain of Philippis's squad
Lysis, a young Amazon
Coronis, Lysis's best friend, another young Amazon
Therene, the Caduceophora, chief Amazon healer
Roswitha, Amazon warrior
Amathyia, Amazon warrior
Irana, Amazon warrior
Hyale, Amazon tracker
Xena, Warrior Princess
Joxer, the Mighty, would-be hero
Xenan, Ephiny's son, a centaur
Argo, Xena's wonder horse
Amazons
an apparition of Callisto, fiery goddess and former Warrior Queen

Rating: R.
Genres: Xena: Warrior Princess, drama.
Violence: A battle scene from "The Bitter Suite" is recapped, in which Ephiny and Joxer are injured and Xena attempts to murder Gabrielle. Xena's death is contemplated. A past execution is remembered.
Sexual violence: Gabrielle tells Ephiny about being raped by Dahak in "The Deliverer". The aftermath of this and other rapes is discussed.
Sex: Gabrielle occasionally appears naked while undergoing the Amazon purification ritual, as also shown in "The Bitter Suite."
Language: Nothing stronger than "damn".
Subtext: None. All active characters are unambiguously heterosexual.
Spoilers: Hooves and Harlots, The Deliverer, Gabrielle's Hope, The Debt, Maternal Instincts, and The Bitter Suite.

Note: This story occurs immediately after the end of the third season episode Maternal Instincts and continues past the end of The Bitter Suite. It is told from the points of view of various Amazons.

Twin pyres for two children burned into the night. Twin hatreds caused two women to turn their backs on each other as they walked from the pyres. One, a tall dark warrior, was all cried out. With a silent farewell to the memory of her son, whose body was one of those consumed in the flames behind her, she mounted her horse and rode slowly away.

The other, shorter and fair, continued to weep in despair, weeping for the boy, who was her friend, for the daughter she had been forced to kill, and for the first woman, who had been her close companion for so long. The fair woman was one who could not kill, but she now had killed - twice. This was a woman who was good, but she had borne an evil daughter and had failed to turn her to the good before the girl had murdered her best friend's son and his guardian. This was a woman skilled with words, but she had no words to bring back the dead or restore a broken friendship. All she could do was softly weep, and it seemed she could not stop.

Another woman, her dirge finished, had put her arm around the distraught woman to steady her. She was concerned for her friend - her queen - but her well-formed features harbored a stern look. You lied to me, Gabrielle, the stern woman thought. You told me the girl had died. You lied to me and to Xena. We had to pay for your lies.

The reckoning would come later. For now, Ephiny decided, Gabrielle had to be calmed down. She knows she lied. She'll have to live with that. Ephiny shook her head to clear it, making her blonde curls bounce. Under other circumstances it would have been an endearing look, but the Amazon regent was all business. She brought Gabrielle to the house where she was guesting. A young centaur boy, overtired and confused, trotted over to Ephiny.

"Mom, what's wrong with Aunt Gabrielle?"

"Xenan, I don't know if you'll understand. We lost Solan today..."

"Yes, I remember." He started to cry. Solan, Xena's son, had been a wonderful playmate, though the boy had been somewhat older than he.

"Hush, son. Your Aunt Gabrielle had a daughter, and the girl came to visit, but now she's gone too."

"Like Solan. And Kaleipus. And my father."

"That's right."

He tried to comfort Gabrielle, but the bard began to wail, almost inaudibly at first.

"Please don't cry, Aunt Gabrielle. She'll be in the Elysian Fields with Solan, and they can play together."

Gabrielle screamed from the depths of her soul.

Ephiny instantly reached out and pulled her son to her before he could be badly frightened. "Hush, hush," she soothed. "Now, quickly, run to the healer and bring me a sleeping draught." She kissed him on the forehead, and Xenan did as he was told.

Gabrielle's keening broke up into sobs. "I'm sorry," she managed to get out finally. "He... he couldn't know."

"I'm not so sure I know either," Ephiny replied. "We'll deal with it in the morning."

"I lied to you, Ephiny. I couldn't let Xena find out. Oh, gods, I lied to you both - and I killed Solan!" Gabrielle began to scream again.

"STOP THAT! NOW!" Ephiny commanded. "Tomorrow I'll have the truth from you, but you will sleep tonight. And I won't let you upset Xenan, do you hear? He's been through enough today as it is, what with losing his friend, Callisto trying to kill him, Xena treating him so cruelly - and now you."

Under the barrage of her friend's emotion, Gabrielle subsided.

"You're right. I'm sorry," she said.

"Do you think you can hold out until you're safely asleep?"

"For Xenan and you - yes, I'll hold out."

"Good," Ephiny said, a shade less cool than before. Gabrielle washed and dried her face, then started getting ready for bed. Xenan returned with the sleeping draught.

Gabrielle managed a smile and welcomed him into her arms, giving him a strong hug. "I'm sorry I scared you, Xenan. I'm just so... sad today."

"It's all right, Aunt Gabrielle. You're not crying any more."

"No, your mother helped me with that. You must be brave for her tonight. If you can't sleep, think about Solan happy in the Elysian Fields, just like you told me."

"I will," he agreed.

"All right, Xenan," Ephiny told him, "it's past your bedtime. Say good night to Aunt Gabrielle."

"Good night, Aunt Gabrielle," he obeyed.

"Good night, Xenan."

He trotted off to his bed, but Ephiny lingered.

"Drink it, Gabrielle," the regent directed, indicating the draught. Her voice softened even more. "You need to heal, and a proper sleep is the first step. No matter what happened, I'm still your sister Amazon and you are my queen. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," Gabrielle drank the potion and settled down on her bed. She closed her eyes. Not long after, her breathing settled into a slow, steady rhythm and her features relaxed in dreamless repose.

Ephiny watched her for a few more minutes. That should keep her out for a while. I wish I could take one myself, but Xenan needs me. Gabrielle, what did you do?

She left the room. Xenan awoke crying in the night only once.

In the morning, Ephiny reluctantly packed her son off to be cared for by the Centaurs for the next few weeks. He was simply too young to understand what had happened, and Gabrielle bore watching besides.

When the bard awoke, Ephiny had a meal ready for her. Gabrielle washed and dressed without saying a word. The regent had already eaten, though the frequent trips to make sure her queen had not awakened early and done something desperate took any possible pleasure out of eating. She wanted to interrogate Gabrielle right away, but understood that food, like sleep, was a higher priority.

Gabrielle picked at her breakfast in silence, Ephiny not offering an opening to conversation. The bard felt extremely uncomfortable under her regent's disapproving gaze. After a seeming eternity, Gabrielle set aside the remains of the meal as Ephiny poured herb tea for herself and her queen.

"All right, Gabrielle. Now I want the truth. You're my sister Amazon - you once reminded me what that means - but you lied to me, and Xena's son is dead. My son nearly died!" Finally succumbing to grief and anger, Ephiny's voice increased to a shout. "TELL ME! YOU OWE ME!"

Fighting back tears, Gabrielle agreed with her. "Yes. I owe you," she acknowledged in a very small voice. "I was raped in Britannia, Ephiny. Raped by an evil god." She spat the name. "Dahak."

Despite the horror that began to well up inside her, Ephiny maintained her outward sternness. "Go on," she said.

"It...he...burned inside...inside, and I thought I would die in the flames... and it kept burning!" Gabrielle was shrieking now. "Burning...but the fire made me dirty...dirty...like smoke from a charnel house...DIRTY! I STILL FEEL DIRTY!" she screamed.

Ephiny softened a little. This was far outside her experience, but she knew Amazons who had been raped. It took a long time to heal their shattered spirits. The offenders were hunted down and killed without mercy. She herself had killed a rapist once, and had felt no satisfaction when her sword penetrated the soulless mercenary's heart. She got up and took Gabrielle by the shoulders.

"No, Gabrielle. You are not dirty. This - Dahak - yes, is dirty. But he forced himself on you. Don't blame yourself for what he did!"

The bard burst into hysterical sobbing, and Ephiny hugged her to herself.

She hasn't been able to talk about it, not even to Xena. No wonder she feels so miserable.

Eventually Gabrielle recovered enough to continue. "He...it...got me with child. The daughter I told you about. She grew inside me so fast...too fast...she wasn't natural, but I didn't pay attention to that. Villagers tried to kill me before she was born, monsters wanted to care for me, all because they said the baby was evil.

"But she was such a beautiful child, Ephiny! So darling, so precious. The Knights of the Pierced Heart wanted to kill her, too. How could they say she was evil? She was only a baby! I named her Hope. My hope. I'd never let a child become evil. Xena did that; she did it to Callisto."

Uh, oh. This is why she couldn't talk to Xena. I think I know what's coming next.

"Then one of the knights died and Xena said Hope killed him. A baby! What was I supposed to believe? Xena wanted to kill my baby, my Hope..." She broke down again, but waved off Ephiny's comforting arm. Wiping some of the tears away with her hand, she continued.

"Xena was right. Damn it, Ephiny, why is she always right? So perfect, so smart...but understanding and compassion some so hard to her when she's set herself a mission. She didn't have the words to convince me, to ease the hurt. So I ran away and took Hope with me."

"You knew Xena would follow," Ephiny realized.

"She did. What I did about that was wrong. I had the Banshees attack Xena. They delayed her just enough so I could get a head start. I took a little basket, put Hope in it, sent it down the river and prayed for the best. Then I climbed up into the hills to lead Xena away. She was ready to kill me to get to Hope. It was in her eyes, in her voice. How could she not understand, Ephiny? She was a mother. You're a mother. Hope was my daughter, my first child, so beautiful...but she wasn't a child, was she?"

Torn by the conflicting emotions and her losses, Gabrielle dissolved into sobs again, burying her face in her arms as she sat. Ephiny did not make a move to touch her, but let Gabrielle cry. Ephiny let her own tears flow freely for a short time before wringing out a wet cloth and wiping her face. When Gabrielle was done with the worst of her weeping, Ephiny offered the cloth to her as well.

"So you risked more killing when Hope returned to you," the regent said without emotion. "All for a chance to make her good."

"Yes," Gabrielle admitted in a broken voice. "I had to try. I couldn't tell Xena. She would have killed Hope."

"Instead, Hope killed Solan. Kaleipus, too. You could have told me, you know."

Gabrielle looked up into Ephiny's face. A painful realization struck. "Hope would have killed you, too. She didn't care. She must have freed Callisto. Ephiny, it was all my fault!" Though no tears were left, hoarse sobs escaped the bard's lips. Still, she went on.

"I guess I knew that last night. I killed Hope myself, Ephiny. Poison, just like Xena said. Why couldn't I do it when she told me? How many deaths on my hands: five, ten? It could have been more. I had the poison. I should have taken it. Yes, I should have. Xena wouldn't let me share her sorrow. She won't share mine. You shouldn't have to, either. I should have killed myself last night. By the gods, I'll do it now!" Her mind made up, she stood.

"NO!" Ephiny slapped her, grabbed her shoulders and forced her to sit, stifling her protests. "You will not kill yourself. That doesn't bring anyone back, and it solves nothing. Get hold of yourself!

"I'm still very upset with you, Gabrielle, but that will heal. You're responsible for hiding Hope, but she killed Solan and Kaleipus, not you. What Callisto did was her own choice, not anything you did. You want to feel guilty, fine. Be another Xena. I'm not going to let you feel sorry for yourself.

"You're coming back with me to your sisters, Gabrielle. You need time among those who care about you. Besides, the routine will be good for you. We miss having our queen around."

"I want you to put me through the purification ritual," Gabrielle said softly. "I will be clean, or I will be dead, but I can't live like this."

"All right," Ephiny reluctantly agreed. "Purification it is. We'd better pack."

After the regent cleared the dishes, she found their hosts and thanked them for herself and Gabrielle.

In silence the two Amazons gathered their gear. In silence they took the trail into Amazon lands. Patrols spotted them but did not reveal themselves, recognizing the queen and her regent. Most of the time Gabrielle kept her head down, her eyes seeing only the trail.

She's in worse shape than I thought, it occurred to Ephiny. She's always loved the forest, always found something new and fascinating. It was all I could do to keep her quiet when I was training her. I don't have an answer to this.

Ephiny did the best she could. Noticing a sharp sound against a tree, she looked at it, then pointed. "Say, Gabrielle, check out that woodpecker over there." Her queen glanced at the bird, shrugged and lowered pain-filled eyes to the trail again.

The effort was not entirely lost on Gabrielle. I don't deserve Ephiny's friendship, she reasoned. I put her through all that and she's trying to cheer me up. The difficulty was that Gabrielle was struggling with herself. The pure light of her soul fought against Dahak's taint, but the influence of the god-demon was strong. He had already turned her love as a mother against her; now he used her very innocence and purity as a weapon.

Consequently, the bard was divided. Part of her sensed that her daughter Hope had been truly unnatural and evil; that Xena was right and Gabrielle could never have turned the child to the light; that at best she was shielding Hope and allowing her to commit more murders and at worst she herself would have died at Hope's hands. This Gabrielle feared that Dahak had permanently corrupted her.

Another part of her remained stubbornly resolved that the opposite was true; that there was good in every person and she would have redeemed Hope if she had not been forced to abandon her.

This Gabrielle considered herself a failure as a mother and blamed Xena for it. She held Xena responsible for Solan's death, and ultimately Hope's as well, because the Warrior Princess had been so adamant about killing Hope. It nagged her that Xena had abandoned Solan as a baby and dragged Gabrielle into the same pattern. A great anger began to build inside her.

The next Gabrielle was a guilty Gabrielle. She felt that she had learned nothing from her travels; that she was a liability to Xena after all; that her na¥vet* had let Dahak loose on the world; that almost everyone she cared about died or got hurt. She thought that the best thing for her to do would be to die, removing herself as an obstacle to the greater good.

The last portion of her personality, the true Gabrielle full of light and goodness, had to contend with the other three. Atonement was necessary, and it was indeed a time for sorrow, but evil had been defeated and the world remained alive and joyful. This Gabrielle did notice the woodpecker and took delight in it. It was a small victory; her light, her very sanity was being eroded by her guilt on one side and her anger on the other, ever since Britannia. She had lied to Xena and Ephiny about Hope, and now she wasn't even sure that she had betrayed Xena to the vicious Ming T'ien in Chin out of the greater good to prevent a murder - or because she blamed Xena for not preventing Dahak from raping her. A rising fear that she herself was evil, that she deserved what was happening to her, also threatened to extinguish her light.

That Gabrielle had taken so long to break was due to the love of her friends. She and Xena had been reconciled for a time after Chin, and Joxer had been his steady, silly self, which was reassuring. He loves me, Gabrielle realized, then instantly dismissed the notion. No, that's impossible. Even Joxer isn't dumb enough to love me. Who could love me: a liar, a betrayer, a killer? She had deliberately chosen not to tell Joxer anything about Britannia or Chin beyond a few simple tales of the countryside, partly because she felt that he could not understand what had happened to her, and partly - though she would not admit it to herself even now - because she did not want to lose his love. Having lost Xena's love, she would not risk any more losses.

The purification ritual would focus her on making a decision: the choice between continuing to live or allowing her spirit to drain away and so to die. At the same time, it offered a chance: above all, she wanted to be clean, to feel worthy again of love, of friendship, of life. She would not allow Dahak to triumph. Even if she did have to die, she would die a clean soul.

It was this determination that caused Gabrielle to raise her shoulders and head a fraction higher and to look a small distance further along the trail. Ephiny, ever alert, noticed this and breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Her queen might have done great harm and brought suffering down on herself, but she was still Gabrielle, and this despair would not last. Then the healing could begin.

The mood in the Amazon village was somber to match the queen's. The women gathered in small knots to speculate on why her natural enthusiasm had been quenched. Scouts who had returned ahead of Gabrielle and Ephiny were unable to provide any information because the two had been virtually silent throughout the journey, so there were no scraps of conversation to overhear.

Looking neither to the right nor to the left, Gabrielle proceeded directly to the purification hut. Ephiny touched her arm.

"Gabrielle, you need to compose your mind and rest your legs," she advised, casting off rank and speaking as though the two were true siblings; indeed, they were nearly that close. "The hut has to be prepared."

"I'm ready now," the bard replied. "Why don't I start the fire and you get someone to put my clothes and things away?"

"No one will understand," Ephiny said. "What do I tell them?"

"Say anything, as long as it's the truth," Gabrielle answered. "They need to know how I disgraced them."

"Stop that! You are not evil, and you are not a failure. Will you at least wait for Eponin before you begin?"

"Yes," the queen agreed. "I'll start setting things up now." With that, she entered the hut.

Several Amazons had gathered a short distance away and were staring. One of them chose to approach Ephiny. "What is wrong?" the Amazon asked. "Why does the queen seek to be purified?"

"I'll tell you later, Roswitha," the regent said. "I have to get Eponin over here. The queen needs attendants for the ritual, and I want you to keep an eye on her so she doesn't do anything desperate. All right?"

Roswitha nodded. "Yes, my regent."

"If any of the other council members turn up, tell them to meet me in the judgement hall after Eponin starts the purification ritual. Don't worry; you'll have the whole story as soon as possible. Right now, the queen needs our love and support. She has suffered a great loss," Ephiny explained, then took off at a dead run for the Loremistress's hut.

Eponin met her part way, several of her students in tow. "What the deuce is the matter with the queen?" she demanded.

"It's a long story," Ephiny said, "and a sad one. It would seem that Xena had a son no one knew about - and now he is dead."

"And somehow Queen Gabrielle feels responsible," the Loremistress suggested, supplying one of the missing pieces.

"There's more, but that will do until I can gather the council." Ephiny dropped the volume of her voice. "I want Therene to look in on her immediately," she said. Her next words were audible to Eponin alone: "Gabrielle is suicidal right now. I don't want her dying in that hut."

The Loremistress turned to one of the girls, whose brown hair was a tangle of curls. "Lysis, find Therene and ask her to come to the purification hut as quickly as possible. RUN!" The girl obeyed. "Is anyone watching her now?" Eponin asked.

"Yes," Ephiny replied. "Roswitha and some others."

"Good." The two Amazon leaders and the girls lengthened their strides.

Inside the hut, Eponin was saddened to see Gabrielle moving slowly, listlessly, as she completed stoking one of the braziers used in the ritual. The queen looked up and managed a smile. "Thank you, Eponin," she said. "I know it's your job, but it's still good to have you here."

"My queen, whatever has happened, we will get you through it." She gestured, and the girls began to prepare pots of water, loads of wood, piles of fronds, branches of olive and fig, and the queen's cot.

"I don't know," Gabrielle replied, despair filling the simple words. The Loremistress already knew the matter was grave from Ephiny's briefing, but this convinced her.

Ephiny is right. Gabrielle has already given up. She may never leave this hut.

The door opened, admitting Lysis, who was too breathless to apologize, but merely indicated the opening. A few seconds later an older Amazon, white-haired and careworn, entered the hut. She bore a number of small pouches covered with mystic symbols, the most prominent being the caduceus, the sign of healers. She took in the situation at a glance.

"For once, Lysis had reason to be in a hurry, I see. My queen," Therene said in the stern tones only a doctor can use with a superior, "you have been traveling, and neither your body nor your mind are ready for this. What do you expect to find in self-torture? Redemption? You must feel the love of your sisters first."

"I expect to find the truth here, Therene. I will be clean, or I will be dead, just as I told Ephiny."

"If you don't do this properly, you are guaranteed to be dead, clean or not." She turned to the Amazons who were bustling about, readying the hut. "Clear the room. Just the queen, Ephiny, Eponin and me," the Caduceophora ordered. "And no listening in," she added, glaring pointedly at Lysis. "You will be told everything you need to hear later." The others filed out.

"You can't stop me, Therene," Gabrielle said.

"Nor will I," the other agreed. She took one of the smaller pots of water, already heating, and steeped some herbs from one of her pouches in it. "However, none of us are going to let you kill yourself if we can prevent it. Sit down, please."

Gabrielle did, and the Caduceophora sat next to her. "Good. Now tell me what happened to you. I have the need to know, and so does Eponin, so she can perform the proper ceremonies."

In terse sentences, the bard related the story of Hope's return, Solan's murder and Xena's anger. Ephiny occasionally filled in a corroborating detail. Before it was over, Gabrielle was in tears again.

Therene gestured to Ephiny, who poured the herb infusion into a mug and handed it to the Caduceophora, who in turn presented it to the queen.

"Drink this, Gabrielle. It will help calm you."

Meekly, Gabrielle did as she was told.

"Good," Therene continued. "There is more to tell, but that can wait. Do you understand that none of us are going to abandon our love for you?" For the first time, she placed a hand on Gabrielle's shoulder, and the queen accepted this, nodding her head but saying nothing. "You are still a very young woman, and I cannot believe that these events have forced you into an unbreakable mold."

"Will you at least try to live?" Ephiny asked.

Gabrielle nodded again.

"Then we will prepare you," the Caduceophora said. "Let Eponin's assistants finish up here, while you go to the bath hut. Before you are cleansed on the inside, you must be cleansed on the outside."

Regent, Loremistress and Caduceophora took the queen in hand and led her to the bath hut, where they washed her themselves and dressed her in a white linen chiton. Returning to the purification hut, where everything was now ready, they removed the garment and rubbed her naked body with olive oil. It was warm inside, steam rising from the water heated by the braziers, and would grow warmer. Soft chanting began. The slow beat of a drum throbbed like the pulsing of blood. Eponin donned the mask of her office, all black with a stylized bird's face, and had Gabrielle lay face down on a bed of fronds. She took up a switch made of more fronds and began to gently strike Gabrielle's body.

The queen closed her eyes. For now, she would rest and let her body work to heal her, as she had been told by Therene in the bath hut.

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