Synopsis: Joxer catches up with Xena and Gabs after the shananigans after Animal Attraction and the tension from Gabrielle is breaking his heart.
Spoiler warning: Comedy of Eros, The Quill Is Mightier, King Con.
Main Inspiration: I listened to "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan over and over and OVER whilst writing this - so blame her for it's sorry-assed vibe *laughs*. (That and my total lack of a decent love-life).

I followed the tracks down the road - a road we had both traveled long and repeatedly before. My stomach rumbled noisily to the tune of my heavy steps. I wondered how fast she walked, to escape from my gazes. How hard she pressed her eyes shut to ward of the image of my lovelorn face. I shook my head, adjusting my knap-sack. I couldn't think like that. Not so sadly.

Through the bird-calls that echoed through the thick canopy of the forest around me, I heard it then... her laugh. It had been so long since I had heard her make that noise. So light and beautiful. I skipped into a run, my heart beating in knowing she was so close to me.

It was always the same when I was near her. My whole body would be tingling, my throat always dry - my tongue numb and bumbling. Oh Gods, how beautiful life was when she was near me.

I found their tracks leading into the forest, and I whistled and hummed so they knew it was me and not some marauder. Though they knew my clumsy steps well enough to know it was me by now. As I entered the clearing, obviously used many times before, Xena's eyes lit up knowingly. She was knelt next to a circle of stones, her elegant hands adjusting them idly.

"Joxer," she said with a smirk, "It didn't take you long to catch up..."

I blushed, and the swift scratching steps of Gabrielle heralded her entrance to the clearing from the other direction, a bundle of wood in her arms. Her eyes widened, then narrowed - almost in contempt. My heart tightened a little, and I suddenly didn't feel so hungry. A great part of my soul felt as if it were crashing to the dusty ground in flames of agony, her displeasure to see me so very evident. I almost wanted to be sick at that gesture.

"Uh, hi," I said coarsely, "I'm home..."

"Yeah," Xena smiled, patting the ground next to her and casting a warning glare across to Gabrielle.

"How're you feelin' like uh - now?"

"Still sick," Gabrielle said suddenly, her face set cold, "She needs her rest..."

I nodded, her defensive tone enough to make my blood run cold. I stood up, turning to look at Argo and the new horsey. I'd forgotten his name. He looked over at me, his big brown eyes twinkling in the fading day. He almost seemed sympathetic, the way he bobbed his head and snorted. Then again I've always had the terrible habit of anthropomorphizing everything. Out of habit I glanced over to Gabrielle and smiled at her. Her face kept still, her arms at work with setting up the camp fire. I don't know to this day what kept me there, why I stayed. My heart ached so much, but in it was an unquenchable thirst... Even if it was just to look at her, I felt somehow sated for the time being. But so miserably so, as if days in a desert were greeted with a spoon of water and no more for a time. Xena had that look in her eyes again, that sad look. I wondered if it had anything to do with me, but I sincerely doubted it. Then again it could be that she was pregnant. Pregnant women always seemed to mushy to me. I sat down some distance from the fire, pulling out some of my things to keep me occupied till it was time for sleep. I looked guardedly at Gabrielle before taking out my own scroll. Somehow, writing lyric had seduced me that time with the silly scroll that made everything real, even though it had been a waste of time considering the outcome. However at times on my own when I needed something to do, writing lyrical poetry felt the only company I had. I pulled out a beaten, frayed little feather, a small pot of ink, and began on some sad lovelorn verses like I always did. Always sad, lonely, forgotten. Tragic.

Listen to her... She lives and moves without me.
Her eyes glow without my love,
Her heart shines without my warmth.
To be strong, alive with charm...
To be all these things her wild aspirations yearn for...
To be the hero she wants at her side,
The tender lover she dreams of in secret...
To touch her skin with all my worship...
To speak her name with all my joy...
Such impossible brilliance,
Such beautiful destiny...

Look at her...
She shifts with such grace.
Her beauty shines without my hand,
Her kindess shown without my presence.
To not be her shadow, crouched and in shame...
To be the man she would prefer me to be...
To not make her so mad at my simple gaze...
Her angry heart bubbling so madly.
To sooth her just once in all this pain....
To make her feel something other than scorn...
Such boundless wonder,
Such reaching glory...

Is it all beyond me?
Am I all but a child
In her measuring eyes?

At any step, on either road,
My soul shudders and recoils
With the lashing slice of pain that love flashes upon me.

I'm sorry, for being so gone on you.
I apologize deeply, for being so graceless around you.
If I ever had caused you pain... I am forever burdened.

But, can't you just once - even in friendship - smile at me?

I hadn't realised that tears had spilled down my features, and I wiped at them gruffly whilst stuffing my quill and the inkpot back into my knap-sack. I unrolled the pelt quickly, sadness within me overwhelming me. My eyes drooped - I felt so weary. I buried myself into my pelt and blankets, letting my helmet slip off as I did so.

"Joxer..."

Huh?

"Joxer, wake up..."

The voice was sharp, and a nudge of a kick came to my side. I rolled over in the blanket, glaring up at the woman who had woken me. Her still green eyes glared down.

"Dinner's ready. You hungry?"

I nodded groggily, and before I even had the chance to speak she had trudged off back to camp.

This dinner was a strange affair. A thick stew of roots, herbs, the tender meat of a fat rabbit and some bread to go with it. Gabrielle was silent throughout, and Xena could only glare at her, shooting off the odd comment about the standard of the meal. I finished it off as quickly as possible and on handing Gabrielle the bowl and spoon, some stupid part of me hoped that she'd at least - I dunno - look normally at me. Like - like she used to. It just used to be so impartial. Now it's so guarded, so emotionless.

It was at this moment I realised - I missed her. It was as if she shut herself off from me, so even when I was with her - I wasn't with her. She didn't talk about all the things she'd gotten up to, or the new scroll she was writing on, or the wonderful things Xena did. I mean - she used to tell me this stuff. Heck, after she came back from India that first time, she wouldn't shut up about it - and Eli.

It had all crashed down when - I'd told her. Upon every glance, every smile I gave her, she retreated further and further away.

I disgusted her. She recoiled away from me more and more with every moment, and all I could do was watch her slip away from me.

I didn't even bother saying goodnight. I shifted my blankets into the next clearing - much to Xena's protest - and settled down into it.

Strangely, though I'd been so weary before, I couldn't sleep. Everything in me felt lost, empty. I didn't even want to think about tomorrow. All I had now was her presence and nothing more. Our friendship had corroded as a result of my damned affection for her. I wish she knew that I never wanted that to happen, that I can't help looking at her like I do.

"Joxer..."

That voice again. I wondered if I was dreaming, or whether Xena had sent her here through some noble sense of guilt. I rolled onto my back and glanced up at the silhouette of Gabrielle, with none of the softness I had earlier. I wasn't sure where it went, but I was too scared to show her that now, in case she would admonish me with a sharp glare.

She sat next to me, and I could just make out her angelic features in the half life. I didn't say anything for a moment, just looked past everything, my eyes getting wet again, damn them.

"Did Xena send you here?" I asked brokenly.

Gabrielle was quiet, and she sighed.

"She had something to do with it. She thought I should talk to you."

"Novel idea," I said just above a whisper.

Her brow creased in a frown, but looking down to her crossed legs, her fingers playing with her toes, she nodded.

"I guess I deserve that... for the way I've been treating you."

Those tears that threatened spilled with a heart-breaking sting. She just had to be nice, she just had to be that damned wonderful woman she is... I just shrugged, not looking at her. I couldn't.

"It's just I thought you lied to me."

Now I frowned, "About what?"

"No strings, you said," she said, "No strings. Yet you - you've been looking at me all the time, you know? And just - you know - you do things-"

I shook my head, "Gabrielle, I've always wanted to be the best friend I could ever be for you. That's all."

"Best friends don't stare at each other the way you stare at me!"

Her anger seemed to rise up from nowhere, and it confused me. What was she so upset about? She wasn't the one being heartbroken!!

"Well at least I'm not lookin' at you the way you're lookin' at me!"

She narrowed her eyes, "How's that?"

My voice became suddenly quiet, breaking to a quality of a needing child, "Like you hate me..."

"You," she gulped, "You think I hate you?"

I looked at her, my eyes filled with the pain I'd been carrying for days. She sighed, shaking her head.

"I - I don't hate you."

"It doesn't feel like that Gabrielle," I said darkly, "I mean - I don't feel like I really mean all that much to you. Heck I could disappear and you wouldn't care-"

"That's not true," she said.

"It feels true."

She sighed again, burying her face in her hands, "This is a mess..."

"I know," I said, "It's mostly my fault."

"No," she said suddenly, "It's just as much my fault for not being able to handle this."

"Gabrielle," I said, a pleading in my tone.

She turned her head and looked to me.

"I'm sorry I'm so gone on you."

It was something my heart had been screaming to say. She just frowned again, the discomfort in her composure I'd been expecting not there. She let a hand slip from her face, and it fell upon - oh Gods - the scroll!!

Her face hardened.

"Joxer!" she sighed, "Not again!"

"No no no," I began but she just growled, snatching up the scroll as she stood.

"Just when I thought you'd grown up a little, you go and take one of my scrolls again!"

"Gab-"

She let out a hiss of a sigh, and spun on her heel, striding from the clearing. I sighed sadly. Why the heck did I bother? I could have chased her, felt embarrassed. But I didn't have the energy - I just didn't care anymore. She'd figure it out - she'd have her little drama over it. I turned and buried myself back in the pelt. For a few hours I'd fall asleep, a kind of non-existence I could live with.

I was fully expecting the light to wake me first. But as the hand prodded my shoulder, I realised that it was a blonde little bard that had done the deed for me. Which was strange, considering it was clearly about half an hour before dawn. In the dim light I could see darkness under her eyes.

"Gabrielle," I breathed, sitting up a little, "What in Tartarus..."

She held out my scroll, her hands shaking a little.

I took it slowly, my gaze meeting hers. She was obviously upset. I frowned, my hand instinctively reaching out to her arm.

"Gab - are you okay?"

She shook her head stiffly.

"Wh-what-"

"I'm sorry," she said through her breath, and my heart froze. She was going to let me down - finally after all this...

"It's okay," I said, "I-"

She frowned again, her brow creasing slowly, her movements leaden with apparent sleep deprivation.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, "That - I haven't been a better friend."

I nodded, "I know, I'm an idiot, that makes it kinda hard-"

"An idiot didn't write this," she said, placing a hand on the scroll in mine, "And... I read it and - I knew I couldn't be a good friend for you..."

Great, I thought, she's going to cut me off from her life...

"... Not if I keep trying to bury everything. I don't know - just - with Callisto and having to face her - so many things have hurt inside. Xena's so strong. She always seems to bounce back - even from death."

I met her gaze. It was a tormented one, defeat in her features.

"Gods Joxer," she sighed, "So many times when you've taken your time meeting us, I thought you might have been killed. And then there you were - in Rome. I wasn't expecting that. I didn't think-"

"You didn't think I could do it," I said with a dark nod, "Make it to Rome and -"

"How did you know to come and get us?"

I swallowed, the pain of the moment crushing me again, "Bad dreams. Lots of 'em."

She became quiet again. I wondered what she was thinking. Her eyes seemed to well with tears. I wondered who exactly they were for - me or her?

"Sometimes, I think of when we found you when you'd been beaten by those casino thugs."

I rose a brow.

"The thought of anybody hurting you - it made me so angry, worse - I - I couldn't - I was afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"I dunno," she said with a laugh of ire, "I wish I knew."

"I'm okay Gabby," I said, "I can look after myself okay..."

She looked to me, a wince on her features of fear, "So could Perdicas."

My face fell flat. I could say nothing, my hands beginning to tremble like mad again. I must have looked like a scared child again, my eyes wide as Xena's chakram.

"I don't know," she said, looking down to her fiddling hands, "I don't know if anything I'm feeling makes sense... if it adds up to anything at all... I just get so angry at you for feeling anything like that for me because - I don't want you getting hurt. I don't want you coming to harm because of me."

I looked at my hand, lifting to touch her arm. It wasn't a purely instinctive move, but nothing I could say could calm her, or allay her fears.

"You know Perdicas' death wasn't your fault," I said, "You're in the hero business Gabrielle. You knew the risks when you started out and-"

"But you're so damned defenseless!" she sighed, "So sweet and kind and damned -"

My hand made contact with her arm - to my surprise she didn't shift away.

"I'm okay Gabrielle," I said, "I'm not going anywhere..."

A long sigh left her as I pulled her to me, letting her fall into a tight embrace. She didn't sob or weep. She was still as I held her gently, rocking slightly. We stayed like this for a few moments, and I wondered fancifully if it were a dream, some lovely vision given to me by Morpheus.

With a little moan she pulled out of the hug, cradling my face a moment.

"Come on," she said softly, her voice broken with tears, "Come sleep by the fire."

I gathered up my things, and struggling to my feet I followed her back to the main camp.

"Gabby, have you gone to sleep yet?"

"No..."

"Oh..."

"That poetry you did - it was good Joxer."

"Oh that," I blushed, laying down my things across from Xena and Gabrielle's pelt. "It's just some angsty stuff - you know."

Gabrielle smiled as she slipped into her pelt. She nestled her head on her arms, and meeting my gaze she smiled.

"I liked it."

Please take the time to write to Nancy at tosh@opera.iinet.net.au, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1999 by Nancy Lorenz and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.