"He's All That" pt 1

By Melissa Flores

MAIN CAST:

Xena: The Kick Ass Warrior Princess
Joxer: The wannabe warrior with the heart of gold
Gabrielle: The Amazon Queen/bard/sidekick/hero
Eve: The cute kid of Xena's
Argo: The wonderhorse
Lila: Sister of Gabrielle
Hecuba: Mother of Gabrielle
Herodotus: Father of Gabrielle
Rafe: that cutie we saw in King Con

Rating: Unsure yet, probably an R, just to be on the safe side for some violence and innuendo.
Genre: May not seem like it at first, but it's definately Gabby/Joxer. Xena/Rafe (you remember that guy, right?) I've even been tempted to do a Gabby/Ares piece (ducks tomatoes thrown at her) I said tempted! Geez. ;-)
Subtext: None. Nope.
Spoilers: Up to Married With Fishsticks, references to For Him the Bell Tolls, King Con, A Family Affair and other previous episodes.
Dedication: Foremost to Lori, for being the Beta Queen with this, and sparing the time to help me out. I'm her willing servant for life. To Christie, for tolerating my constant bugging and reading this puppy for me. To Nickle and Danielle, my Buffy buds, for their encouraging comments, on a non Buffy fic.
Notes: Want my reason for doing this? I hate Joxer's clothes. I HATE his hat. Ted is just so adorable, and that hat... eww.. just takes so much from his cuteness. So when Gabby goes away, Xena gets to play, and we finally get rid of the damn hat. *G*

Chapter One - When the Gab's away...

The clearing was miraculously silent. With the exception of the birds chirping, the wind swaying the trees and the occasional clomp, clomp of hooves on the beaten path, there was no sound. The meadow was peaceful; the sky was clear, and the weather warm. There was nothing that could feasibly alarm the blonde-haired woman.

Yet her eyes still held a worried look as she leaned against the brown animal that stood stoically beside her. She pursed her lips, her face wearing an uncertain expression as she patted his mane absently; her eyes riveted on the taller brunette with the striking blue eyes and an equally striking baby in her arms.

"I'm still not sure," she said doubtfully.

Xena, Warrior Princess rolled her eyes, shaking her head in slight exasperation. "Honestly, Gabrielle," she began, a smirk on her perfect mouth. "Ever since I've had Eve you've been treating me like I'm five. I'll be fine. Joxer's on his way, and he'll be more than enough help."

"Help? Joxer? This is our friend in the pointed hat we're talking about, right?" Xena gave her a look and Gabrielle smiled sheepishly. Despite the fact the lanky young man was perhaps their best and most loyal friend, Gabrielle still had endless fun teasing him, even when he wasn't around. Xena didn't mind so much, now that she knew Gabrielle's teasing was only affectionate nudges, much like the ones she couldn't quite help giving the blonde bard herself. "Xena, even so. I know things have been quiet lately, but we don't know that the Gods haven't stopped their attacks. It doesn't seem right that-"

"Gabrielle." Xena gave her a serious look, shaking her head to cut her best friend off. "Stop it. You're exhausted, and you know it. You need this vacation and you haven't gone to see your family since... since we died. They need to see you."

"Well, you're my family too," she grumbled, slumping her shoulders as she came forward to plant a soft kiss on Eve's forehead.

Xena smiled at the complaint and laid her free hand on her best friend's forearm. "Gabrielle, go on. I'll be fine."

"I still don't see why you can't come with me," Gabrielle said, obeying, though a bit reluctantly, as she turned and tightened the stirrups on the animal.

"I've heard a rumor about the town around here that disturbs me. It won't hurt to check it out. And anyway, one of us needs to get the supplies. Look, stop worrying. Go, Have fun."

"I don't want to leave-"

"You aren't leaving me alone," was the Warrior Princess's reassurance. "Joxer's coming."

Gabrielle sighed, and nodded, putting a palm to her head in an attempt to allay her fears. "You're right. I just... I feel -"

"I'm going to kick you onto that horse if you don't get out of here."

Gabrielle's eyes met hers and then her mouth burst into a gorgeous smile as she caught Xena's sparkling eyes. With a sigh of defeat, she leaned forward, squeezing her best friend in a strong hug and kissing her, and then her child, on the cheek.

"I'll be back in a week. I'll meet you both in Cinderus."

Xena nodded, stepping back as Gabrielle slid easily up and onto the horse. "And if you need anything-"

"I'll know exactly where to find you," Xena finished easily.

Gabrielle nodded, bit her lip, and then smiled tightly. "I'll miss you."

Xena smiled back. "Likewise."

With a clouded face, Gabrielle took one last look at mother and daughter, and then pulled at the reigns, turning the horse around and galloping away, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake.

Xena watched her go, a soft expression of loving affection on her face as she squeezed her daughter. Waiting until her companion was out of sight, she whistled. Immediately, a tan horse came trotting over.

"Well, guys," she informed both horse and daughter, who were looking at her with inquisitive glances, "Let's go find Joxer."

Hopping on the horse, she eased her into a canter, resisting the urge to look back for her beautiful shaggy-haired companion. Despite the easiness in her voice when she had urged Gabrielle to leave, Xena still couldn't quite shake the nervous tension that had been so blatantly obvious on Gabrielle's face. Gabrielle was right, they had no way of knowing whether or not the Gods had given up trying to kill the child they deemed responsible for their imminent demise, and they had attacked so hard lately.

But there was a lull now, a lull that the two woman had desperately needed. Xena could see the stress, the fear and the exhaustion in Gabrielle's features. The young woman had been subjected to so much pain, so much hatred and anger, and had fought so hard to stay by her. There wasn't a day that went by when Xena didn't thank whoever was responsible for keeping her bound to the young bard. Gabrielle was her saving grace, and she knew that there had been many times when Xena would have lost everything had it not been for her.

But even a pillar could be weakened. The past few months had been a virtual emotional whirlwind for the both of them, as they lost friends and made enemies of the Gods, welcomed Eve into their hearts and once again almost lost Joxer. Gabrielle had had to deal with more than her fair share of trials: Xena's complete helplessness when they were brought back from heaven, then with Joxer's revelation of his love for her, Xena's sudden miraculous pregnancy, and the death of Eli, and to be honest, even Xena was surprised that Gabrielle had handled it as well as she had.

The woman was a rock, but she wasn't immortal. Even now it was odd to watch Gabrielle slash throats and run soldiers through with her sais, and Xena often wondered if Gabrielle ever stopped to ponder how different she had become, how tired those gorgeous eyes appeared.

Gabrielle needed to see her family. She needed her mother's comfort and her father's love and her sister Lila's wide-eyed innocence. She needed to rest alone, with her family, without what Xena represented, what she had become as a result of her union with her. She needed time without fighting, even if it was only a week.

But acknowledging this basic truth didn't make the fact that Xena was going to go stir crazy without her any easier.

Oh, well. It was only a week.

"Just a week, right?" she asked Eve, who was watching her silently as she held a finger in her little mouth. "We'll see Auntie Gabrielle in a week."

The baby gurgled and Xena smiled. Oh, it would be nice if she could find some trouble, some good asses to kick. Not that she didn't have a problem with rest. Resting, in it's proper time, could be nice.

If it just wasn't so boring.

She was a mile away from the village when she heard a familiar metallic clanking coming her way.

Pulling at the reigns slightly, she instructed Argo to halt, and then waited with an amused expression as her old friend came lumbering up the road.

She saw him before he saw her, and for a moment, she was able to observe him unnoticed. Joxer the (self-proclaimed) Mighty, was walking as carefree as she had ever seen him, whistling and swinging around the horrible monstrosity he liked to call a sword. On his head at a jaunty angle, was his cone-shaped hat. Its origin had been the subject of conversation many a time for Gabrielle and Xena on their travels.

Where on earth had their friend managed to find such awful armor, and why on earth was he still wearing it?

Xena smiled, a fond grin on her features as she studied the loyal young man. A dork? Yes. Thoughtless? Sometimes. But steadfast and completely pure in heart and soul as well. He had more than proved his worth to her and to Gabrielle, shown enough of his lion hearted-bravery to earn him a special place in their hearts that no one else had managed to take.

Her smile faded a bit when she thought of Gabrielle. The sadness of his unrequited love was not lost on her. For years he had adored Gabrielle, and he had stated that he always would.

Despite the fact that Gabrielle didn't or wouldn't feel the same way.

He spotted her then, his face lifting up and breaking out in a huge grin. "Hey! Xena!"

"Joxer," she responded, waiting as he picked up his pace, running toward her with his clumsy gait that always made her wonder why he didn't topple and fall.

"Eve!" he cried with enthusiasm, hands out to take the child from Xena's arm and cradle her tenderly in his own. "Aren't you looking precious?" he cooed, tickling her chin.

Xena watched in content silence, before leaning over and sliding off her horse. "You got here awful fast."

He shrugged, his eyes never leaving the baby.

"I was in the neighborhood, lookin' for you guys anyway."

"Oh, really?" He blushed and nodded, turning to walk with Xena as she led the horse on the trail.

"I guess I can't seem to stay away."

"Well, you know Gabrielle isn't here, right?" Xena said softly, her meaning clear as she gave him a pointed stare.

He swallowed, and nodded, looking away for a minute, and then shrugged. "Yeah, actually. That's why you needed me." He trailed off at that thought, and a smile floated onto his face. "You needed me, Xena. And hey, I have a great time with you too! You know, us warrior types."

Xena rolled her eyes, slapping him lightly on the shoulder as she took in a breath. "Well come on, what's a Warrior without a baby-sitter?"

He gave her a look, but just shrugged. Holding up the child, he gave the happily drooling Eve a big grin. "Aren't you Joxer's girl, aren't you Joxer's girl?" he cooed in a cartoonish voice. Xena rolled her eyes, fighting to keep a smirk from coming onto her lips and failing miserably.

"You just came from Cinderus, right?" she asked him as they continued to walk.

"Uh huh," he answered distractedly, staring intently into the baby's eyes.

"Notice anything.... out of the ordinary? Problems? Family feuds... people needing to be saved?

"Nope. Everything was fine," he answered mechanically.

"Damn," she muttered. He gave her a curious look.

"Huh?"

"Do you have any idea how bored I'm going to be, Joxer?" Xena moaned, patting Argo absently. "One week with... nothing to do. No warlords to kill, no Gods to fight. Nothing."

"Aww, come on, Xena," he said reassuringly. "You and trouble go together like... well, like you and Gabby. I'll betcha by the end of the week you'll have found some problem, or warlord, or hell, a feuding family."

She gave him a hopeful look. "You think so?"

"Sure!"

Feeling slightly better, she gave him a slap on the back. "That's my boy." She mussed his hair affectionately. "Come on, let's go into town and get some rooms. I feel an urge for a good meal." Looking into her saddlebag, she grimaced at the lack of funds. "Got any dinars?"

"Do I have dinars?" he scoffed, giving her a proud grin. "Of course I have dinars. Don't I always have dinars when I come to you? Worked extra hard to get them, too. And even had enough left over for this." He handed Eve back to Xena and dug into the pouch at his side, finally pulling out a small blanket. "You like it?"

Xena's eyes grew wide as she came forward to inspect the cloth, rubbing her fingers over the fabric. "Joxer, this is amazing." And it was. The little quilt was practical and snug, soft and warm enough for a baby, but the workmanship was remarkable. It was a beautiful blanket, one that Xena knew Eve could appreciate for years. Casting soft eyes on her friend, the Warrior Princess spoke with an unusually husky voice. "How did you pay for this?"

"I worked for it," he answered matter-of-factly. "I saw it when I was passing this town and I thought of Eve and well.... I was meeting you and... I kinda liked it. I mean, I'm like her uncle, right?"

Xena's blue eyes met his hopeful chocolate brown ones, and she felt her heart soften. Every year her affection for Joxer grew by leaps and bounds. He was the sort of guy that just grew on you. Despite the bluster and blunder that he liked to carry around in that obnoxious way of his, he had the most loyal of hearts, constantly trying to prove himself to both Xena and Gabrielle every chance he could. And he was still so uncertain. Despite the fact that Xena knew he considered them the most important two people in his life, up until recently he had never been aware that Gabrielle and Xena felt the same way back.

What a loyal, kind soul.

Damn maternal instincts. They were starting to take over and Xena wasn't quite sure how to deal with them. Feeling the tears well up in her eyes, she coughed, swallowed and finally took the blanket, carefully wrapping Eve up in it. "Thank you, Joxer. It's perfect."

His eyes lit up, and he blew his breath out. "Good, good." Looking quite proud of himself, he turned, and the trio continued on their way.

"So... wha'd you do to earn it?"

"Doing, you know... warrior stuff."

"Oh? Shoveling or fishing?" she asked sardonically.

"I was a warrior for it," he retorted.

"A warrior?" she returned dryly. "What'd you do? Stop an army?"

"Nah. Rich old lady's cat was in a tree," he answered sheepishly, "I brought it down for her."

"Ah," Xena gave him a smirk, and then smiled at Eve, who cooed happily. Argo snorted, and Joxer began to relate the tale, ending with the engaging plotline of him falling into the mud puddle when he fell out of the tree after the cat had scratched him for the fifth time.

Xena shook her head and felt a swell of contentment fill her chest. He was no Gabrielle, but she still enjoyed the clumsy dork's company. Looked like this week wasn't going to be so bad after all.

This was going to be a bad week. Gabrielle dug her heels into her horse as she began to recognize the trail that would lead her to her home. She slowed up, taking a moment to stare at the place where she had grown up. The woods, the shrubs, nothing had changed. It was all the same.

And she was so different. She felt her heart skip a beat, looked down at her clothes, felt her hand creep up to her short hair. This really wasn't home anymore. The realization hit her like an arrow, and for a moment, all she could do was swallow and concentrate on breathing.

So much had changed since she had last been here. She felt so old, and yet she knew the second she stepped into that village... they would treat her like a child.

Taking a breath she started forward, trying to force her mind off of Xena and the baby in an attempt to ready herself for the homecoming. Xena would be fine; she could take care of herself. And Joxer was with her.

Yeah, Gabrielle, like Joxer is going to be any help. Gabrielle sighed, closing her eyes as she pictured the dorky wannabe with the sweet smile. She did love the galoot, but most of the time he had proven more a hindrance than help.

And yet, he was loyal and brave, qualities that were quite rare, and for that, Gabrielle did have to admit she enjoyed having him around. He was a rock for her to rely on, and besides Xena, her closest friend. His love had seen her through her worst times, and here and now, trotting to her old house, to her old self, she understood him.

She used to be Joxer. A wannabe who wanted to experience the world, who had annoyed a Warrior Princess into taking her with her to see things. She had somehow wormed her way into Xena's tainted heart, and in the process had gotten more experience than she had asked for or wanted.

Memories of her best and worst moments flooded her and Gabrielle slowly shook her head. Now wasn't the time to think of her other family. She had a true family here, one that she had sorely neglected, and it was time to face up to them, to love them and be healed by them.

Then she would go back to where she belonged, with Xena. And as much as she hated to admit it, with her dorky pal Joxer.

"Wow. That rich old lady must have really been grateful to you," Xena remarked, taking another handful of cut up potatoes and popping them piece-by-piece into her mouth. The tavern was miraculously full. Apparently the pair had arrived during some carnival, and it had taken them a half an hour just to get their order in. Now, an hour later, Xena was famished, and very grateful for Joxer's dinars. They had provided them with a meal like she hadn't had in weeks.

Joxer shrugged, resting Eve on his knee and hopping her up and down.

Xena's eyes narrowed when she saw the action. "Don't make her sick, Joxer."

"I'm not gonna make her sick," he said defensively, smiling his trademark goofy grin as he rubbed noses with the giggling child.

"Well, if she has a little problem, you're cleaning it up," she said, shrugging it off and digging in again.

"She won't." Joxer gave Xena a confident smile and hugged the child to his chest. He was silent for a moment, watching Xena eat ravenously.

Feeling the unwanted attention, Xena's eyes floated up, stopping her movements to gaze at her friend. "What's up?"

"Ummm." He blushed, shuffled in his seat, and cleared his throat. "Well... um... remember what you said ... about Gabby not being here?"

"Uh-huh."

He coughed nervously, the tips of his ears turning slightly pink. "Actually I'm kinda glad you're alone."

She gave him a curious look. "Oh?" she asked, leaning forward to try and hear him against the din of the tavern.

"Umm... Xena.... I uh... I kinda wanted to talk to you."

There was an uncertain tone in his voice that immediately made her gaze at him warily. "What is it, Joxer?"

He struggled with his words, coughing into his hands twice, shuffling so much Eve looked green. Xena dutifully took her daughter away from him, and she was glad she did, because suddenly he began thumping at the table with his fists in his agitation. "Well umm..."

"Spit it out, Joxer."

"Umm... you kinda notice that Gabby's been acting all.... weird around me?" he finally blurted out.

"Weird?"

"Yeah," he looked odd, as if he was trying to picture something far off in the distance. "Kind of like... well ever since she told me she loves me but you know... only like a friend..."

"Yes?" Xena prodded, feeling the young man's confusion and hurt immediately. Poor guy. She knew well enough that the love-you-as-a-friend speech was the kiss of death. It must have hurt him tremendously. Yet he had taken it well. Honestly, Xena really didn't understand why Gabrielle had decided Joxer wasn't more than friend material. He was cute enough, and no man would love her more, Xena was quite sure of that. Maybe it was the hat. His taste in clothes was terrible. Realizing he was still rambling, Xena shook herself out of her thoughts and tuned back in.

"Well... she's been weird... kind of like...she doesn't..."

"Know how to act around you?" she finished softly. He looked startled, but gave a slight nod, his face sad and grim.

"Yeah," he confirmed. "I just ... I don't want to make her feel this way. My loving her... it's my problem. Not hers."

Xena cocked her head, in her blue eyes a look of sympathy. "Joxer, don't say that," she said softly. "It's nothing. Look, Gabrielle probably is just very confused right now."

He looked bewildered. "Confused? About what? I mean, this thing with me... she's already told me. I mean, we resolved it..." he trailed off, and then looked back up her. "Didn't we?"

She had thought so. Now... she wasn't so sure. Xena gazed at the young man with speculative eyes and realized he was right. Gabrielle had been acting odd around him. Not really standoffish, more like... awkward. They had been so busy trying to protect Eve, Xena hadn't noticed. Until now. Hmm.

Realizing he was still waiting for an answer, Xena just swallowed, and shook her head. "Joxer. It'll be fine. Gabrielle is just... like that. I mean, this was a big thing, what happened between the two of you. She admitted she cared for you. You almost died."

"Yeah, I guess," he muttered.

She pursed her lips, gazing at the heartbroken man thoughtfully. Poor guy. He was really taking it hard. Not many guys would be as noble about it as Joxer. Even if he couldn't have Gabrielle the way he wanted her, he was still trying to be content enough to be her friend. He was a true friend. It saddened Xena that he would spend an admittedly long time pining for her sometimes very clueless and brusque best friend. Leaning forward, Xena laid a hand on his arm. "Hey. You'll be okay, Joxer."

"I don't know, Xena," he sighed, giving her a shrug. "I just.... knowing ... now that I know. There's no hope."

"There's always hope." He shook his head. "At least you know she loves you, Joxer. That we love you. "

"I know. And that means a lot to me, Xena. But... I'm gonna love Gabrielle for a long time, and... I just... I don't want her to feel like... like closed in and stuff, because of that. I just want... I guess I want to try and get over this. Stop thinkin' about her, you know? Stop making her so uncomfortable."

The table went silent, even little Eve stayed quiet as she watched the two adults confer with wide eyes. In an effort to try and find something to say to cheer her friend up, she found her eyes roving over the tavern. Lots of woman here. Lots of single woman here. Lots of single, pretty woman here.

She felt her eyes float back to Joxer. He was a cute guy, honestly he was. He even would have been considered handsome in a certain light. Cocking her head, she studied him. Hmm. It was just that hat. That had and his hair. He never combed his hair. And that shirt. What was that shirt, anyway? Rags? And that coat! DRACO had better taste than that. And those pants! And that breastplate! What was that, a pasta strainer?

Gods, if he had just bought himself a new shirt, maybe a new pair of pants, combed his hair, then maybe-

Xena felt herself freeze as her mind began to reel. Oh, Gods, was this a plan? Was she actually thinking up a plan for this? Well, Good Goddess, it was a plan.

Gabrielle would kill her. Well... maybe she would kill her. But, maybe this would be just what the blonde bard needed. A good swift kick in the pants. And hell, if Gabrielle truly didn't see him that way, then she'd be doing them all a favor. Joxer was a sore need of it. He had reached an all time low.

She felt a wicked, excited smile float on her face. Maybe she wouldn't be so bored this week after all. "JOXER!"

She slammed her hand on the table, making such a thump that not only Joxer, but the whole tavern jumped and turned to stare at her.

Xena looked a bit sheepish, but just waved everyone away. "Sorry. Talkin' to my friend here. Go back to your business." Slowly, people did. After a particularly mean glare she gave one man who kept insisting on staring, he finally turned too, leaving her to lean forward and talk to Joxer in peace.

"So what if I had a way for you to take your mind off of Gabrielle? To make yourself feel better about yourself, and maybe, just maybe... get yourself a little action in the process?"

He gave her a completely bewildered look, narrowing his eyes, and leaning back. "What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about?" She grinned excitedly, "What am I talking about? Oh, Joxer, I'm talking about the greatest thing we could do to kill time. I'm talking about taking a man I know and turning him into the stud I know he could be. I'm talking getting your self-esteem back." She clamped a hand on his shoulder, and her eyes glittered dangerously. "I'm talking about a makeover," she purred.

At the look of pure resolve, Joxer could positively hear the wheels whirling in her brain. And in his haze of confusion, there was only one emotion he could quite filter.

He was a little scared.

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