Dedication: For Christie, whose baby is giving her lots of sleepless nights, but more pleasure and love than she ever imagined.
Notes: Just a small, sappy, funny little fic I whipped up. It takes place in the future in my gorgeous little world. It's a nice place to live. It's called Delusion.

The little animal had no worries. It had had a relatively quiet day as it played in the field. It's small eyes bulging, the gray animal crouched, using it's nimble but small arms to gather the small seed, and after a moment of looking around warily, stuffed it in it's mouth. Once again, little ears could be seen pricking up, and finding nothing to be frightened about, it scampered into a small clearing.

'Cause, you know, it was a perfect day to scamper.

Until the ground shook and there was a loud racket that scared the poor squirrel out of its wits. Without a second thought, it ran for the comfort of the trees.

And almost was sqwooshed by a large leather boot that came pounding in it's path. The little squirrel would have shrieked, if it indeed it could, but as it couldn't, it merely did a death defying flip on it's strong little feet and landed on the trunk of a nearby tree, chattering angry intelligible sounds to the owner of the foot.

The tall regal warrior barely even noticed. She looked intensely distracted as she crashed through the trees. The striking woman, who normally was quite well groomed, now had her hair in alarming disarray. Her hands were clenched, her lips pursed, and her form shaking.

The expression in the Warrior Princess' eyes could very well be described as panic.

Xena reached the clearing, and began to search the spot wildly. Her sword was in her hand, and she looked ready to kill.

"JOXER!" she yelled, the desperation in her voice reaching what could be considered epic proportion. "JOXER, you... you.. MAN!!! GET OVER HERE NOW!!!"

There was silence, until a lanky young man carrying a couple packages ran into the clearing on the other side. Immediately upon setting eyes on him, Xena's face visibly flushed with relief, but the glint in her eyes did not lesson.

"I'm here, I'm here," Joxer mumbled, trying not to drop the bundles and still give his friend the attention she wanted. "What's wrong?!"

Squinting, she stalked up to him, and grabbing him by the collar, hauled him to her with the strength of an angry bull.

"Where have you been!" she hissed. "You've been gone for the past hour."

Joxer, apparently quite used to this temper, and not frightened at all, merely stepped away from the furious warrior, and shoved the packages in her hands.

"Gabrielle sent me to get grapes, so I got her fish," he explained quickly.

Xena looked at her hands, and wrinkled her nose. "What?" Apparently, the logic was lost on Xena.

"Trust me, she'll want fish right now," Joxer remarked knowingly, taking the foul smelling bundle back, and smiling self assuredly.

Xena pursed her lips, but didn't argue, she had much more pressing business to attend to. "I don't care what she wants," she raged breathlessly. "Just get your skinny butt back to camp, because now she is crying hysterically that you abandoned her-"

"I did not abandon her!" he said indignantly. "I went to go get her fish!"

Hands shot out and Joxer was once again grabbed by his throat, suffering from the frazzled nerves of his wife's best friend. "Joxer, don't you dare leave me alone with her again. Do you hear me? Never, ever, again."

He gazed at her wide-eyed for a second, and then against his better judgment, found the whole situation quite comical. For a moment ignoring the fact that the two most important women in his life tended to let their hands fly when he irritated them, he merely gave her a goofy grin.

"Awww, come on, Xena," he joked. "You've dealt with harpies, bachaie, everything. Don't tell me a pregnant woman's the thing that's makin' you crazy."

Her eyes narrowed, and her hands tightened at his lapels. "A pregnant woman I can handle!" she hissed in his face. "A pregnant Gabrielle, I can't!"

"She's been pregnant before," he said matter-of-factly.

"She was pregnant for a day!" Xena said, pushing him back as she let him go, glaring at him in exasperation. It was quite clear she wasn't over her panic attack just yet. "And we were trying to avoid a lynch mob!! That was nothing compared to this!!"

Joxer raised an eyebrow.

Gabrielle had been difficult, that was true, but wasn't every pregnant woman? He considered reminding Xena of her none too happy state when she was ready to give birth to Eve, but after one look at the way Xena's temper seemed ready to explode, decided for his wife's sake against it. It wouldn't do to well for her to find out she had a dead husband who never brought her the fish she wanted. She would travel to Hades just to smack him for it.

Raising a hand in mock surrender, Joxer began soothingly, "Xena, I'm sorry. But I was only gone for an hour, and you're closer to her than-"

"Joxer," Xena ran a hand through her long hair, trying to get a grip on her control, taking a deep, calming breath. "Shut up. Now. Gabrielle is your wife. She is pregnant with your child. Now, you got her this way, you deal with her!"

Joxer frowned. Oh-kay. That was none-to-faulty logic. But hell, he and Gabrielle and Xena and Eve were a family!!! Just because Gabby had the mood swings of Aphrodite right about now didn't mean she was any less Xena's.

"You're her best friend!" he protested.

"You're her husband!" Xena said, grabbing him by the shoulder and pushing him on his way. "And she's damn near hysterical. So get your ass back to camp."

Joxer just shook his head, and obeyed, running with the Warrior Princess back along the trail, ducking under trees and canopy to get to where he knew Gabrielle was waiting.

She wasn't wailing when he finally saw her. Apparently she had gotten over the panic attack of the hormones, and instead had chosen to lie down on a fur and nap.

Joxer slowed, his smile broad as he watched his wife, ready to burst with child. She was his wife. Gabby, his Gabby, and she was about to have his baby.

Gods, he could really just pinch himself, but he didn't, because if this was a dream, he most certainly did not want to wake up.

Walking carefully toward her, and smiling at Eve, who played nearby, he leaned down, and tenderly kissed Gabrielle's cheek.

At the contact, her eyes drifted open, and Gabrielle smiled in affection as she registered him.

"You're back."

"Yeah, I'm back." Joxer held up the packages.

"Oh, good. You brought the fish," she said wearily, reaching for the parchment, and wrinkling her nose. "It's drenched in honey?"

"Yep, just the way you like it."

She smiled in thanks, and then leaned back, choosing not to dig in just yet. His smile faltered, and he cocked his head at her attitude.

"What's wrong?" he asked, sliding down next to her and gathering her into his arms.

"Joxer, I feel so... so restricted," she whispered, leaning against him. "I can't do anything. I'm going to go crazy! The back aches! the pain! Xena has to do all the fighting, and you too, when you think you can," he smiled ruefully. "And I just... stand there! Like some overgrown... watermelon!"

He only smiled, nuzzling her neck when he replied. "Gabrielle, you're nine months pregnant, you're going to have this baby any day now. Then you can kick as much butt as you want."

"I know, I know," she whispered. "It's just..."

"And you're as beautiful as the day I met you, when you broke my nose for the very first time." Gabrielle smiled at the memory, as Joxer gave her a beautiful grin. "I mean, look at these beautiful hands." He kissed both tenderly. Her gaze was one of adoration as he continued his caresses down her body, pausing at her full stomach, where he knew his baby was safely housed.

He swallowed, for a moment, over come with emotion.

"Look at this beautiful big belly," he whispered, pressing his lips against her abdomen. Gabrielle froze, and Joxer, sensing the lack of movement, looked up.

"What?" he asked, for the moment knocked out of his reverie.

Her face was strangely void of emotion. "Did you say 'big'?" Gabrielle asked flatly.

Uh-oh. Joxer gulped, and quickly shook his head no. "Now, Gabby, that's not what I meant."

"You think I'm fat, don't you?" she snapped, pulling away from him.

"Of course not!"

"My husband thinks I'm fat!" she cried out, her eyes glinting with anger. Joxer sighed, trying to find a way to appease his hormone crazed significant other.

"Gabrielle, now come on, I didn't call you fat."

"Away from my sight Joxer!" Gabrielle cried. "I mean it!" She pointed to the shrubs. "I hate you!"

Joxer shook his head. "Gabrielle-"

"I mean it!!" She pushed him away, and crossed her arms. "Get away from me! I can't look at you right now! Leave me alone!"

"I didn't say you were fat!!"

"You did too!"

"No I didn't!"

"What's going on now?" Xena came into the camp, carrying a line of rabbits. Eve squealed in delight, coming forward to take them from her mother.

"Joxer called me fat!"

"No I didn't!" Joxer growled, finally losing his temper. He walked forward, trying to soothe his very pregnant wife. "Gabrielle, I didn't call you fat. You just have to-"

She ignored him. "I said go away," she murmured.

Joxer watched her, and sighed. Gabrielle was unreachable like this, and he found the best thing to do was to leave her alone, just like she asked. "You know what? Fine. I'm going." Rolling his eyes, he got up.

Her eyes widened, and she turned. "Where are you going?" she asked quickly.

He didn't answer.

"Joxer?!" Xena also looked up to see him leaving the forest.

Gabrielle got up as fast as her body would allow and she looked desperately into the woods. "Where's he going?!"

Xena, apparently now much calmer now that she had a nice big rabbit to clean, merely shrugged. "You told him to leave, he left."

"I didn't mean it!" Gabrielle said, stomping her feet, as she waited for another ten minutes. Joxer never came back.

Gabrielle bit her lip, looking ready to burst into tears as she turned to Xena. "He's coming back, right?"

Xena just rolled her eyes. "He better, or else I'm going to hunt him down and kill him myself."

Gabrielle actually smiled at the thought.

"I'll pay you to kill him," she offered.

"Nah, you'll regret it later. He's the only one who'll rub your feet," Xena remarked flippantly.

Gabrielle sighed, nodding, and was about to remark when suddenly she was cut off by a searing pain.

Crying out, she clutched at her stomach, feeling a contraction hit her full force.

Xena looked up, and suddenly her eyes widened. "Gabrielle! Your water just broke!"

Gabrielle didn't hear a word of it, she merely fell to the floor, eyes wide with panic.

"JOXER!!!" she cried out.

"Herbs! I need herbs!" Gabrielle cried out, latching onto Xena's hand and sitting up despite the contractions. "Xena, get me some herbs! Anything to stop the pain!"

Xena was going to officially go crazy. Never had she ever felt so helpless. Gabrielle had been in labor for hours, and yet there was no sign of the husband that had stormed out after the argument.

She was going to kill him, she really was. Gabrielle was in very real pain, and Xena felt at her very wit's ends, trying to keep Eve out of trouble, Gabrielle out of labor, and the baby from coming too soon.

The baby couldn't come now. It had to wait. For Xena to regain to her senses.

Xena shook her head. "Gabrielle I can't give you anything now, I don't have it-"

"Well you should have had it! I was going into labor, dammit!"

"Just hold on, and take deep breaths," Xena said, looking wildly around the camp. Evie was watching not ten feet away, her thumb in her mouth as she looked at the women with a wide eyed expression.

"Evie, get mommy some clothes, can you do that for Mommy?" Evie nodded, and ran to the saddlebags.

Gabrielle cried out in pain, and Xena winced, gathering her friend to her, kissing her forehead.

"It'll be okay, Gabrielle, you just need to breathe."

"Where is Joxer?!" she panted, glaring at Xena.

"I don't know," Xena said soothingly, trying to be as calm as possible despite the alarming crunching hold that Gabrielle had on her arm.

"He has to be here," Gabrielle said again. "I want him to feel pain. He's the one who got me in this mess."

Xena felt herself smile suddenly. "Well if I recall, Gabrielle, you were the aggressor the first couple times-"

Her best friend's nails dug into her shoulders, and Gabrielle glared at her.

"Do I look amused, Xena?!" She moaned, closing her eyes in an attempt to ward off the pain. "Oh, Goddess Aphrodite I'm going to kill that man!"

"Someone call me?" Xena's head jerked up, and her gazed squinted.

"What do you want?!"

Aphrodite looked offended. "Well, esqueeze me! It's not like I don't have my own problems, thanks to you! But I hear my favorite little gal in pain, so I get curious, and check it out, but if you-"

"No, no! Stay!" Xena reached up and grabbed the goddess by the hand, pulling down next to her. "I need your help!"

"With what?"

"With this!!" Xena motioned desperately to Gabrielle on the ground. "She's in labor!"

Aphrodite shrugged. "So get studmuffin to help. It was his little stick that did that."

Xena didn't let go of her. "I can't find him! And she's very close to having this baby! Come on, I need to deliver this baby but I can't do that and watch Eve and comfort Gabrielle at the same time! I'm going to go nuts!"

Aphrodite saw the very real panic in the Warrior Princess's eyes and actually seemed to smile.

"I'm not a midwife! I've got my own problems-"

Xena's clench grew harder. "You will if you don't help me," she hissed menacingly.

Aphrodite rolled her eyes, shaking her off and looking down at Gabrielle.

"Aphrodite! Where's my idiot husband?"

"Beats me, sugar," she said, kneeling down and inspecting the situation. She slid her arms over Gabrielle's body, and suddenly the woman was changed into a large white gown, under her head a pillow, and her forehead was covered with a damp cloth.

"There, much better," the goddess said. Xena kneeled down, taking Gabrielle's hand again, and murmuring soft words of comfort in her ear.

Gabrielle looked near tears. "I need Joxer to come, Xena. I can't do this without him. I can't believe I sent him away... you don't think he thought I meant it, did he Xena?" She clutched at Xena's earnestly.

"No, no, of course not." Xena swallowed, holding Gabrielle to her.

Aphrodite watched the scene, and something seemed to crack under her cool facade. Throwing her hands up in the air in surrender, she sighed.

"I'm too nice for my own good," she muttered. "All right, move over," Aphrodite said finally, pushing Xena aside and pretending to roll up her non existent sleeves. "Let's get this over with."

Xena's eyes widened as she saw Aphrodite begin to prepare Gabrielle for birthing.

"You.. you know how to deliver a baby?!"

"Hey! Don't let the blonde hair fool ya! I've got many skills," the blonde goddess said, rolling her eyes and sliding a blanket under Gabrielle's legs. "Now get me some water. Let's go Warrior Princess!" she raised her voice a notch when Xena only stared at her blankly.

Shaking herself, Xena finally obeyed, as Eve came running over with the rags.

"Thanks, doll," Aphrodite said, wiping at her face with them. She squinted, and sighed. "Okay, blondie, you're gonna have to start pushing soon."

"Not without my husband!" Gabrielle said desperately. "I won't have this baby without him!"

Aphrodite raised an eyebrow. "Honey, you're a little late to be choosing time tables. This baby's coming now."

"JOXER!" Xena cried out into the stillness. She looked down at Gabrielle, and saw the real fear in her friend's eyes.

"Xena," she whispered. "I can't do this without him."

A lump formed in Xena's throat, and she parted her lips, but found she couldn't think of anything to say.

Conclusion >>>