CHARACTERS:

Joxer
Autolycus

Rating: PG
Timeframe: Somewhere in time, probably the fourth season
Synopsis: A bar, some beer, two guys,a chat.

Poison Ivy
By The Coasters

She comes on like a rose
But everybody knows
She'll get you in touch
You can look but you better not touch

Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy
Late at night while you're sleepin'
Poison Ivy comes a creepin'
a-round

She's pretty as a daisy
But look out man she's crazy
She'll really do you in
If you let her get under your skin

Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy
Late at night while you're sleepin'
Poison Ivy comes a creepin'
a-round

Measles make you mumpy
And mumps'll make you lumpy
And chicken pox'll make you jump and twitch
A common cold'll fool ya
And whooping cough can cool ya
But brother not a lot'll make you itch

You're gonna need an ocean
Of calamine lotion
You'll be scratchin' like a hound
The minute you start to mess around

Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy
Late at night while you're sleepin'
Poison Ivy comes a creepin'
a-round

Measles make you mumpy
And mumps'll make you lumpy
And chicken pox'll make you jump and twitch
A common cold'll fool ya
And whooping cough can cool ya
But brother not a lot'll make you itch

You're gonna need an ocean
Of calamine lotion
You'll be scratchin' like a hound
The minute you start to mess around

Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy
Late at night while you're sleepin'
Poison Ivy comes a creepin'
a-round.

It was your typical sort of backstreet pub, dirt floor, gloomy, smoky, smelling slightly of burnt food and stale beer. In the dim corners patrons sat hunched around their beverages, talking to the other imbibers, or staring into their cups as if the ultimate answers to life, the universe and everything might be lurking in the liquid.

Autolycus found Joxer in the latter category. He hadn't known the would-be warrior was in town, in this pub, or he might have tried to avoid him. Not that he didn't like him; Joxer was a nice guy with good intentions. It was just that trouble seemed to hang over Joxer's head like a rogue stormcloud and everyone in his general vicinity tended to be affected by the phenomenon. Autolycus attracted more than enough trouble on his own to combine that with Joxer's brand of chaos.

He was going to sneak out, but, with the look on the kid's face, and the way he was staring into that mug... "Hey little buddy!" He clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Women troubles huh?"

"Oh, hey Auto." Joxer looked up, a little blearily. "How'd you know that?"

"Call it a hunch." He took a seat at the bar. "It's Meg isn't it. What's she done now?"

"Meg?" Joxer looked a bit confused. "No, no, not Meg."

"No? I thought you two had a thing."

"A thing? What kind of thing?" Autolycus rolled his eyes. "Oh, you mean a thing! No! I mean, I like Meg a lot, but more as a friend." Joxer slurred."Anyway, she's too much like me." Joxer swirled his beer around in the mug before draining it. Funny, that's why Autolycus thought they were well suited to each other.

"Barkeep. One for me and a refill for my freind here." As soon as his drink arrived, Joxer resumed staring into it. "If it's not Meg then who?" Autolycus thought back on his associations with Joxer. "Xena! Good Gods man, what are you thinking? I know, she's as pretty as a daisy, but lookout man, she's crazy!"

"Hey, that rhymed." Joxer observed. "No seriously, not Xena, Gabrielle. Sheesh, pretty as a daisy... hey!" He looked at Autolycus strangely. "Pretty as a daisy, huh." He waggled his finger in front of Auto's nose in a manner that could only be descibed as insufferable. "You old dog you!" Not prepared to suffer any more of it Autolycus grabbed the offending finger, and gave it a slight twist.

"Just-just shut up, and keep your voice down." Autolycus fingered his immaculately groomed mustache and gathered his decorum. "Yes, I find Xena attractive. incredibly attractive. Who wouldn't? She's vital, and passionate and..." and Joxer was beginning to grin again, in a very suggestive manner. "Ahem, anyway. I know the cardinal rule with Xena, and that's 'You can look but you better not touch."

"Yeah, okay Auto, whatever you say."

"So, you and blondie." Autolycus settled back on his barstool. "It's not going so well."

"Not going so well. Understatement of the era. I don't think she even knows I exist outside of being something handy to take out her frustrations on."

"Have you told her how you feel?"

"Well, no, not as such."

"Not as such, as in not at all."

"Well, have you told Xena how you feel about her?" Joxer asked defensively.

"No, and I'm not going to. Listen kid, it's like this. Gabrielle, she'll really do you in, if you let her get under your skin." Joxer went to protest. "No, hear me out. With those two, guys like us don't have a chance. Their work; trying to right what's wrong with the world, that's always going to come first. Always. If you can't accept that then you're in for a lot of heartache down the line." Autolycus took a long swig of his beer. "Though I think my heart might be up to a little fling now and again..."

They fell silent, both of them now staring into their beer.

"I don't think I can." Joxer said finally.

"Can what?"

"Accept that." He took a fortifying drink. "I love Gabrielle, and even if I'm only ever third or fourth or fortieth or-or not at all. It's worth it. Worth it just to be near her, be her friend." He declared.

"Boy, you have got it bad." Autolycus looked over at his friend.

"I know." Joxer drained his mug. "Sometimes love sucks."

"Amen brother." Autolycus likewise downed his beer and wiped the froth from his mustache. "Unrequited love. Story for the ages. Someday, years from now, somebody'll probably write stories about this."

"This?" Joxer tapped the bar for emphasis. "Us? Go 'way with ya!" He put his head to one side, considering. "Do you think?"

"Stranger things have happened." Autolycus shrugged.

"Usually to us."

"Or our friends." Auto mused. "What say we get out of this dive and paint the town red. Forget about the ladies for a while?"

"Forget about the ladies? Impossible." Joxer shook his head. "But I could just about manage to get distracted for a while..."

Please take the time to write to Kit at ktmac13@softhome.com, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "Poison Ivy" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2000 by Kit MacLeod and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.