Rating: G
Genres: Vignette, Comedy
Spoilers: Anything after (and including) "Fallen Angel" is fair game.
Language: None.
Sex: None.
Violence: None, though there is some pretty graphic foot-nibbling...Be warned!
Subtext: None
Archive: Yes to GJRS, JFFG, and Lyrics Challenge Archives. Anywhere else, please contact me first.
Summary: While trying to get Eve to sleep, Xena learns Aphrodite has an interest in her daughter.

It was a good plan. It really was. Gabrielle would go for supplies; Xena would saddle up and demolish a warrior band that was harassing locals; Joxer and Eve would continue sleeping in the safety of this secluded forest grove; and they would all join up here later, their tasks accomplished. Perfectly workable in every detail. Except for one.

"Lullaby, and goodnight, dum-dum-dum something--oh, son of a bacchae!" Eyes red-rimmed, Xena looked pleadingly into her daughter's face. "By the gods, you've been up all night. Go to sleep for Mummy, won't you, Evie? So Mummy can go kick the bad guys' asses?"

Eve peered up, disgustingly bright-eyed and alert. She gurgled happily and waved one chubby fist.

"Can't take a hint and start snoring like Joxer there, can you?" Xena forced a smile over gritted teeth. "My love, you are never going to hear the end of this when you're fourteen and want to start dating, trust me..."

Behind her, a perfectly normal-sounding gust of breeze whispered through the clearing. Too perfectly normal-sounding. Tightening her grip on daughter and sword, Xena leapt to her feet and spun around.

"What the--GAACK!" Aphrodite stared cross-eyed at the blade held unwaveringly two inches from her face. "Talk about a warm welcome. Does Baby want to be a psycho like Momma when she grows up?"

"That'll be up to her, won't it?" Xena glanced down at her chakram suggestively. "And I'm going to make sure she does grow up, whether you like it or not."

"Oh, get over it, Mother Bear." Aphrodite snorted disdainfully. "Like I'd risk my nice-sweet rep by taking on a little bitty baby. Put up the arsenal and relax; I'm here to talk."

Xena did not move. "Nice-sweet rep? From what I've heard, it can be more dangerous to talk to you than to fight you." She smirked. "'Love-bolts', right?"

"WHY YOU LITTLE--!" Aphrodite swelled with rage. "If I wasn't here on business, I'd--!!"

"Business?" Xena lowered her sword slightly; then suddenly sheathed it with a decisive thrust. "Thanks, but no thanks. My mom's already got the entire male population of Greece chasing after me."

"Not that kind of business, you dweeb." Suddenly, the goddess gave her a malevolent smile. "Besides, thought you had that end sewn up with my big brother. According to what you were thinking this morning..."

A slow flush crept up Xena's neck. "That doesn't mean anything. How did you kno--"

"Goddess of love, sweetie. I hear all. I know all." Aphrodite smirked. "I see all--pretty much whether you like it or not."

The warrior princess' ears were now an interesting shade of pink.

"All right, let's drop it," continued Aphrodite, taking apparent pity. "I'm not here about you, Xena. I'm making a house call for your cuddly offspring here." She leaned towards Eve, cooing softly. "Hey there, sweetums. It's your Auntie 'Dite!"

"Excuse me?" Xena said, eyebrows raised. "In case you haven't noticed...my daughter is a little young to be getting into any romantic entanglements from you."

"You're a sick, sick little creature, Xena," Aphrodite drawled. "Drag your mind out of the gutter for a sec. I'm really here about your daughter's father."

The warrior princess shook her head impatiently. "She doesn't have a father."

There was a short, incredulous pause. "Uh, Xena?" the goddess said delicately. "Don't know if anyone has explained this to you yet, but--there pretty much has to be a father. Trust me, babe, I've got millenia of experience over you." She shook her head firmly. "Nope, there's definitely a father somewhere. You just don't know about him, whoever he is."

Xena bristled ominously. "Oh, don't give me that," Aphrodite added. "You know perfectly well behind every immaculate conception, there's a ghoulie or ghostie or long-legged Ares who's had too much to drink." She smirked. "And you'd certainly know about the last one, wouldn't you?"

With a snarl of rage Xena ripped her sword from her scabbard. "OUT!!" She waved the sword wildly toward the sky. "Get out or I'll--"

Aphrodite gave her a nonchalant wave and looked with interest at the warrior princess, frozen mid-sentence. "Thank you. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to have a conversation with Eve here." She leaned forward and gently took Eve from Xena's nerveless grasp. "Fine with you?" She smirked.

Face purple with rage, Xena emitted an choked snarl.

"Good." Aphrodite cast a warm glance down at the small wiggling bundle in her arms. "Hi there, sweetums! You and I are going to have a little talk while Mommy has a little nervous breakdown, okay? Just tell me one thing, and then you can go back to your nap. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy, hmm? Tell me, baby girl, cause I need to know."

Eve looked inquisitively up at the blonde goddess and cooed, putting her fist in her mouth. With a sigh, Aphrodite placed her gently inside Joxer's upturned hat.

"Look, this is serious." The baby continued to gnaw thoughtfully at her hands. "I need you to concentrate here." Aphrodite looked up at Xena. "Cupid could speak in complete sentences at three days old. Don't you humans teach your children to talk decent Greek!?" She sighed. "Okay. Shoot. So I've got to do this the hard way." Bending down, Aphrodite ripped her sandals from her feet and glared darkly again at Xena. "If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll--I'll--I don't know what I'll do, but it will be gnarly!"

Seating herself primly in front of Eve, the goddess locked gazes with the baby. Then, with a despairing snort, Aphrodite stuck her foot in her mouth. She nibbled her toes with thoughtful deliberation and delicately licked her sole, making slurping noises all the while. The burbling Eve was having the time of her life watching the crazy lady eating her toes. She cooed happily and waved her own feet about in appreciation.

"Baby-talk! BLEH!" Aphrodite removed her foot from her mouth. She began to rub her tongue frantically on the corner of her gauzy robe. "It's one thing to learn every language you humans speak--it's another to be totally icky doing so!" She stood up and brushed herself off briskly. "At least I learned what I needed to know. Your daughter doesn't have a clue as to who her father really is--in fact, she thinks it's somebody who it couldn't possibly be." She eyed Xena thoughtfully. "Unless you've had some recent interesting character developments that I'm unaware of...Well, I'm off. Ta-ta and all that."

Xena gurgled, rolling her eyes frantically. "Oh, take a chill pill, babe," Aphrodite added in disgust. "You'll be back to your old mobile homicidal self in twenty minutes max. Just enough time for me to make my graceful exit before you come howling after me, bloodthirsty little thing that you are. So see ya." She paused, her form already wavering in the morning light. "Trust me on this one--you don't want to know who baby thinks is daddy." Her voice echoed faintly from her vanishing body. "You really, really don't."

From behind her, Xena heard the unmistakable stretching and clanking of Joxer waking up. "Oh, hi Xena!" Joxer said, yawning. "Thought you were going to go pummel some warlords this morning? Oh well. Hey, if you don't mind my saying so, you need a massage or something, you look really stiff...Hey, Evie! How's my favorite girl this sunny day? Oh!" He lowered his voice, beaming. "Sorry. But she really likes her Joxy's hat, doesn't she?"

The warrior princess looked down at her daughter. Eve was peacefully asleep in Joxer's hat, one foot stuck in her mouth.

Please take the time to write to Kawcrow at kawy@cox.net, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Eve, Aphrodite, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in either series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "I Need To Know" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2000 by Kawcrow and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.