After the Leaves Fall, part 1
Skip to: part two

By Kawcrow

Copyright 1998-1999

Rating: PG-13 (TV-14): Violence, mild language, lots of snow; maybe some sexual situations, but I doubt it. (I haven't got that far yet! *g*)
Spoilers: Occurs immediately following events of episodes Sacrifice I and Sacrifice II. After this spoiler, the author assumes that the reader is familiar with the scenario and the events in these two episodes. There is also a slight spoiler for the "Hercules" episode Porkules.
Subtext: None. (Or none between Xena and Gabrielle; however, read all the Joxer/Gabby subtext into it you want! ;-)
Genres: Adventure, romance, Xena/Hercules crossover, JoxerAngst, Alternate Xena Universes, GJRS Fanfic Challenge '98
Summary: Shattered emotionally and mentally after Gabrielle's death, Xena and Joxer begin separate yet parallel quests to get her back--or at least kill themselves in the process.
Story Status: Incomplete as of 3/25/99.

"Guess now who holds thee?"
"Death," I said.
But, there,
The silver answer rang--
"Not Death, but Love."
--Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)

A sparrow sang from an oak tree, on a cliff above the beach. It trilled its of joy of the clear day, sweet and loud in the silence. From the shoreline beneath, several black-clad figures lifted their heads to listen. Then from one of the assembled, there rose a strange uluation, a wild and heartbreaking imitation of the bird's song. Where the sparrow spoke of joy, this told of grief beyond imagining; as the bird warbled of spring and new-budding flowers on the trees, it sang of the coming of winter, and lamented the falling of the leaves.

The voice and the bird fell silent. And there was only the sound of the crashing waves as they washed bouquets of roses, beautiful and already dying, out to sea.

She picked her way through the rocks, black cloak and blonde hair floating in the sea breeze. Her destination was the mouth of a small cave, one of many that peppered the porous rock cliffs.

Inside, the cave was dark, with a musty, unlived-in scent that permeated the air. Only a whisper of movement gave any indication that someone was inside. Watching her.

"I didn't see you at the reception after the ceremony," she said softly.

"I left early." His voice was brusque and tired.

"Why?" she asked, and heard the soft rustle of his sigh.

"Ephiny, you know as well as I do that I don't belong there. Hercules, Iolaus, Hippocrates, David, Autolycus-- you. All heroes in your own right. And me... just no one." He shook his head. "I don't belong at all."

"Oh, Joxer... How can you say that? Of course you belong. Her friends are all here."

"I see. So now being hopelessly in love with somebody instantly makes you part of their social circle?"

There was silence. Then Joxer said in a very different voice, "I'm... I'm sorry, Ephiny. You didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve that."

"Joxer, I know you meant more to Gabrielle than you seem to think you do. I can't tell you whether she felt the same way for you as you felt for her, because I don't know. But I do know that she cared for you deeply, as a friend."

There was a pause. Then Joxer gave a short, bitter laugh. "Great taste in friends, huh?"

No more was said, and after a while, Ephiny turned and left.

A small crowd was gathered in a secluded grove of trees. As several small oil lamps flickered light into the growing dusk, there was the murmur of voices and the soft rustle of laughter, as old friends were met and new friends made. But over all hung a somber, gloomy air.

Ephiny made her way purposefully through the crowd, toward a tall and striking figure lounging at the glade's edge. She gave him a gentle tap on the shoulder. "Hercules."

The man looked around quickly. "Ephiny?" With a smile, he offered his palm for a handclasp. "It's good to see you again." He was still smiling, but in the lamplight she could see his face was haggard and drawn.

"It's good to see you again, too, Hercules. I'm just sorry..."

"...sorry it had to be-- under the circumstances. I know."

Ephiny looked down and took a deep breath. "There's something I need to talk with you about. In private? It's about... Xena. And Joxer."

They found a thicket that shielded them from the view and the hearing of those in the grove. Hercules looked steadily at Ephiny. "What did you need to tell me, Ephiny?"

Ephiny leaned back against a tree. "Yesterday I went to see Joxer after... the ceremony. He didn't want to talk to me. I was worried about him. He's been taking Gabrielle's death so hard, and so personally." She sighed. "He was in love with her, you know. Desperately in love."

"No, I didn't know." Hercules' tone was thoughtful. "But it makes a few things a lot clearer. I'm sorry, go on."

"Ever since she died--he's just so cold now. He doesn't talk, he doesn't sleep, he doesn't eat, he doesn't even," she said with a bitter half-smile, "sing the Joxer song. All he does is sit in that cave. He's starting to scare me. It's not like Joxer. It's not like him at all." She shook her head. "And Xena.....well...."

"What's wrong with Xena?"

Hercules and Ephiny turned to see Iolaus watching them with a worried expression. "I was looking to see if there were any spots around here for night fishing and just heard you say the last sentence or so. What's wrong with Xena?" he repeated.

"Xena's been staying in a temple in town." Ephiny sighed. "The insane asylum. She's losing touch with reality. I had hoped that the funeral would maybe clear her mind, and she did seem better yesterday, she really did." She stared at the bark of the tree she leaned against as if its rough surface held all the answers. "But last night, Xena nearly killed two priestesses, and tore her room into pieces. The head priest told me that she was screaming about getting her army, and saving Gabrielle. Xena thinks that Gabrielle is alive. And she believes she will be leading her entire army to find her. As their god." Ephiny's voice cracked on the last syllable.

"Oh, Zeus," said Iolaus softly.

" I don't know what I'm going to do," Ephiny whispered. "Joxer....I'm so afraid he's going to try to--hurt himself. And Xena...."

"You're afraid she'll hurt someone else," Hercules said gently.

"Yes." Ephiny looked up suddenly, half-defiant, her gaze meeting Hercules', then sliding away. "The traditional Amazon burial ceremony for Gabrielle is in a month. Leaders of more distant Amazon tribes wish to attend, and it should take them that long to arrive. If Xena has not improved by then..." Her shoulders sagged. Then she straightened determinedly. "If Xena has not improved by then, I'm going to admit her into the King's Asylum in Athens. Until she has snapped out of the fog in her brain. I will not have her endangering the lives of innocent people by running free with homicidal delusions," she said fiercely, and her gaze was cold steel.

Hercules and Iolaus looked at each other silently for a long, dreadful moment. Then Hercules spoke, his voice hoarse with grief and pain.

"You're...you're right. And we'll help you take her there."

Ephiny came to see me today. She told me I was insane.

Although it's difficult to convey one's thoughts when one is strapped to a bed and gagged, I think I made it clear that I felt strongly that I was not the crazy one of the two people in my room. She left.

I'm not crazy, Gabrielle. I know you aren't dead. If you were gone, I would feel it somehow; some empty hole in my heart. You would contact me somehow, let me know that you're happy there, with Perdicas and all the rest. I did to you, once. Remember? But I don't feel you gone. So I know you're still there, somewhere. I know that hellspawn Dahak would not let the mother of his precious child die, without a fight.

I only pray to whatever god is listening, he isn't hurting you.

Oh gods, poor Joxer. I hope that he will make it, till I find you. Do you know that he loves you, Gabrielle? Sometimes, I hope you do. Sometimes, I pray you don't. If you do, then the way you treat him, sometimes, must be to hide that you know from him. From me. From yourself. It hurts, to watch two of the best friends I will ever have, to tear each other apart so. Come back to us, Gabrielle, if only to mend a broken heart. His. And mine.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will get free from this place. I know Ephiny means well, and I respect her decision, but she doesn't understand. I don't think I'm a god, Gabrielle. Olympus knows I could be. Sometimes, I think only gods could withstand the pain we've been through, you and I. But then, that would make the whole world gods. Who knows? What I do know, only a god might have the power to set you free from Hell's clutches. And there are no gods on Olympus I trust to bring you back to me. What options does that leave me?

It's hard here without you, Gabrielle. It's hard to control myself sometimes, knowing that you aren't there to guide me, to save me. I'm selfish, Gabrielle. I know that you can't have everything you need here with me, but I can't bear to lose you. My daughter, my mother, my sister, my savior. My friend. You are more of a hero than I ever will be. You deserve to live your life, for all of your life.

I slice at these chains with the only weapon they have left me with: a hairpin. A hairpin; harmless, indulgent. Forged by Hesphaetus. Concealing a tiny little blade, sharp as razors. I have one month to stop being crazy, or one month to escape. I'm coming.

Gabrielle is alive, and I'll find her.

I pray that the stories they tell, of the dead hearing your thoughts, are just that: stories. If they are not, then I apologize, Gabrielle, for making you listen to my thoughts all day, every day.

Do you know, I never thought that I could go so long without living, and still be alive? I died the moment you did. Have I been dead for a month,then? A year? A second? It's been eternity every second of the way.

I don't sleep anymore. I did, once, and dreamed. I saw you. Falling... I don't sleep anymore, but the dreams still come, every time I close my eyes, every time I hear your voice, every hour of every day.

But the worst dream, I still see you. You're in Perdicas' arms, in the Elysian Fields. Smiling. Happy. I wake up screaming your name.

Why does it scare me so? If I love you, shouldn't I want you to be happy? Are you happy there, Gabrielle? Were you ever happy, with me? Does he know what he has? What I will never have?

I know you don't love me, and I know you don't want me to love you. I figured that out a long time ago. If I loved you, I would lose you, and I'd die if you ever go. So I didn't love you, as best I could, as hard as it was. But you're still gone.

I've made a decision, Gabrielle. It's the hardest I'll ever make, and the easiest. I can't live if living means without you. The world is selfish, and so am I. Your life is not over, and your good not all done. There is only one Gabrielle. The world can't do it alone, and neither can I. Somehow, I'll get you back. And if I die in the process... fringe benefits. But I won't go to the Elysian Fields, or even Purgatory. Olympus itself would be hell for me, watching you in Perdicas' arms.

Gabrielle is dead. But I will find her.

She was walking. Or, it felt like walking; she was going somewhere, but her feet weren't moving. Were they? Where was she going? She tried to stop,but she drifted on.

There was a tunnel, she could tell. There was light at the end--or was it darkness? She couldn't tell; it hurt her eyes to look. And her head felt....so odd...

And suddenly there was a river, and with it, people. She was jostled and crushed on all sides by people she could not see. Men shouted and called; somewhere, a woman sobbed, a child screamed; in voices that did not exist. It was all in her head, it couldn't be happening. She didn't understand.

There was a ship docked on shore, with a dirty little man on board. She went toward it.

He looked her up and down. "Huh, another one of those, eh? Straight to the Elysian Fields for you, I bet." He spat into the river as if he had tasted something foul.

She opened her mouth, tried to speak, but nothing came out. <Where am I? Why am I here?>

"Well, duh! Where did you live your miserable life, under a rock? You're in Tartarus, girl. The Underworld. You're dead." The little man looked at her strangely. "You mean you didn't know? We get those sometimes, I guess. Doesn't matter. I'm just Charon the ferryman. Now, where's my money?"

He looked at her eagerly, and a little greedily.

"Yes, money!" he mimicked stridently. "Little round things, have pictures of dead people on them, made of metal, gold if you're rich, copper if you're dirt poor. You trade them for things, like rides across rivers. Ring a bell?"

< But I don't have any...>

"Out of luck, then!" He smirked nastily. "Better luck next time, eh?"

He poled the boat off of shore--and unceremoniously knocked her into the river.

She was drowning. She fought to stay afloat, but the river was too thin to swim in, too thick to breathe. She felt herself falling to the bottom,and gave up hope.

[grab this]

A pole appeared out of nowhere. She clutched at it desperately, and felt herself lifted to safety--then recoiled in disgust when she discovered the pole was not a pole, but a human leg bone. Holding the other end was a girl a little younger than herself, but with huge haunted eyes. There was something--not quite right about the way she looked, but it wasn't important.

<Thank you.>

[sure][dont like to see charon try to get rid of people that way][try to help]

<Where am I? Why am I here?>

[the underworld][youre dead]

<Then why didn't I get to go to the Elysian Fields or somewhere then?>

[you couldnt pay charons fee][you cant cross the river][youre a lost soul]

<How do I get out of here!> she asked desperately.

[you dont]

<But how long do I have to stay here, then!>

[until youre gone]

<How long have you been here?>

[forever]

And then Gabrielle saw what was wrong with the girl's appearance.

She was completely translucent, transparent even.

Gabrielle looked in horror at her own arms. Was it her imagination.....or could she see the faintest glimmer of light through her hands?

[until youre gone]

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