(The Year Dot, Christmas night, Somewhere in the Near East, 3 men on camels just halted outside a small town)

"Follow a star, he said; It'll lead us to a son of a God, he said," John, the taller of the three, said bitterly, glaring at one of his companions. "And what happened - we were only following a UFO!"

"And all it led to was a draughty old stable," Graham, the thin one groused. "We never even got offered a drink."

"Well, no-one's going to know that we went to the wrong place," Terry, the third of the three pointed out, "not after it got hit by that UFO."

"But we're not going to get our Gold or Frankincense back either," John said firmly, giving the third man a smack, and making him fall off his camel.

"We've still got the Myrrh," Terry said brightly, picking himself up from the ground. His two companions glanced at each other, then grabbed the flask of myrrh and smashed it on the ground.

"Not even the Myrrh survived the UFO crash," Terry concluded.

"Stuff this, let's go to a party," John said firmly.

"Yeah, Palestine's a dump," Graham agreed, "let's blow this joint and go to Athens - they're always having way cool parties there."

"Ahem, don't forget why we came out here," Terry advised the other two.

"Oh yeah, this homage thing; Ok, Homage first, party after. But we still need some gifts to present to him, " John agreed reluctantly, referring to the severe lack of gifts amongst them.

(Right on cue, Salmoneus appears, with a laden cart in attendance. He halts upon hearing the jingle of coins and turns to face the three men)

"Gentlemen, I understand you're looking for some last-minute gifts? Some scrolls or rugs perhaps?" he queried.

(John answers by placing two heavy bags of coins loudly on the cart)

"Of course, for our more exclusive customers," Sal said, swiftly changing his pitch, and removing a cloth from the cart, displaying his most expensive goods.

"Oooh, that one's a goody," John enthused pointing to an item.

"Oh, the scabbard that belonged to Alexander the Great? I couldn't possibly sell that, it's priceless; see the craftsmanship in making this scabbard, the history that goes with it, I've promised that to the King of Sparta, it'd be more than my livelihood to sell that -" Salmoneus paused as another bag of coins dropped on the cart. "Of course, you being such distinguished, honorable men, I could make an exception in your case."

"And I'll have those twin throwing daggers, and that short sword," Graham said.

"Those pots, pans and the colander will do me," Terry added.

"Okay, 500 Dinars for the goods and I'll throw this fine statuette of the Goddess Aphrodite in as well," Salmoneous said, dinar signs flashing up before his eyes as he totted up the cash for all the items.

"Great, we'll be off then," said John, as he and his mates collected the items they wanted and the statuette.

"But aren't you going to haggle?" Salmoneus said in surprise.

"We don't go in for haggling," John said apologetically.

"Hey! What do you mean you don't go in for haggling?" Salmoneus protested. "Haggling's the fun bit in buying and selling things!"

"Sorry. We're just not into haggling," John said and walked away to his mount

(all three men fill their saddle bags, and mount up)

"Oh well, one born every minute," Salmoneous said casually and untied the bags of coins.

"Now we trot," John said in a low voice heard only by his companions.

"Do camels trot? It's more of a lollop really," Terry queried.

"Well, whatever they do, do it!" Graham hissed.

(Salmoneous grinned as he poured the coins onto his cart and began counting them, at the same time that the three men were counting down)

"75, 80, 90, 100..."

"5..4..3..2..1.."

"Hey you, come back here!" Salmoneous cried as the coins became stones again.

"Now we gallop!" John said urgently and the camels broke from a trot into a sprint across the dunes.

"So remind me again why we're getting all this rubbish?" Graham said to Terry, as they left a furious Salmoneous well behind them.

"There's someone in Greece we've gotta see," Terry replied. "I thought it was in Corinth originally from the vision I got, but it's actually in Athens. Now that the Palestine deal's gone pear-shaped, we've still got to do the Homage thing and this is the back-up plan."

"Yeah I know - you're the far-seer, I'm the magician, and he's the brains - but I still don't see the point in carrying round this bric-a-brac," Graham complained.

"You will, you will," Terry said with confidence.

(They arrived in Athens a few hours later, stopping at a nearby tavern for directions.)

"So where's the Warlord Jaxi's place?" Graham asked the owner of the inn.

"Jaxi?" the owner pondered. "Is that the one who's built like a Warwagon, retired Warlord, widower, father of two sons, owns a fine house in the centre of town?"

"That's the one," Terry beamed.

"There's a butcher's shop owned by Kraxos, and Jaxi's house is next road down. Won't you have some of the House special before you go?" the owner offered and produced a small plate of tasty-looking morsels of meat with a side portion of vegetables.

"Too right! I'm ravenous after that long journey," Terry exclaimed and tucked in, followed by his colleagues.

A few minutes later, the plate was completely clean of all commestibles and the three of them gave their stomachs a contented pat.

"I call it Solos' Prime Aromatic Meat," Solos said proudly.

"Mmm, very tasty," Graham said happily. "But the name doesn't exactly trip off the tongue does it? You want something snappy that'll attract you customers from all over the known world to eat your famous meat."

"What do you suggest?" Solos asked.

"How about 'Super meat'? Terry proposed.

"Or 'Solos' delights?" Graham offered

"What about - 'Spam' ?" John said thoughtfully

"Spam? What a silly name - as if anyone's going to eat something called Spam!" Terry chortled.

"That's a daft idea - it sounds like something you go to see the apothecary about!" Graham warned.

"I like it," Solos decided. "And each letter is a shortened version of what I already call it, so my regulars will know what it stands for."

(suddenly the doorway is filled with a group of hairy horn-helmeted viking warriors)

"Innkeeper! Bring us meat and beer!" the leader bellowed.

One of his barmaids poured the beer into the tankards as fast as possible, then brang the beers to the Norsemen, who downed the beers in one.

"Meat!!" the leader of the Vikings yelled out. "What have you got?!"

"Spam!" Solos said hurriedly, deciding that 'Solos' Prime Aromatic Meat' would be too much for the Warriors in his tavern and he and his other barmaids rushed to get all the "Spam" that was prepared.

The vikings tired of waiting for the meat, turned it into a drinking song, slamming their empty tankards onto the table in time with the words. "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam-sp-spam! Spam-sp-spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam.."

The song was temporarily halted by the arrival of more beer, then it began again as soon as the beers were downed. "Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam-sp-spam! Spam-sp-spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam.."

Solos' Prime Aromatic Meat was served in steaming, heaped plates, and the warriors wolfed the contents down with even more beers to accompany the food, then each fell back into their chairs with a loud satisfied belch. and Solos relaxed at last.

"Well, the 'Spam' seems to work," John said smugly. "By the time they leave Athens, every tavern will be echoing that drinking song and the name of Solos and your meat will be famous."

"You think?" Solos said eagerly, and the Vikings stepped up as one, the leader tossing a bag of coins to Solos who clutched at it and held it close to his chest. The norsemen each grabbed a tankard of beer as they left and broke into the drinking song again, the words echoing down the high walls of the city as they marched down the road to the next tavern.

Solos, his barmaids and the three men gathered around the bag of money as it was emptied onto one of the tables, and the flash of gold and silver lit the darkened room up like a torch. Solos' eyes lit up nearly as much as the light from the gold, and he grabbed a handful, giving it to one of his barmaids;

"Quick now Meg! Run to Jaxi's and get as much pork or ham as you can carry - we need to cash in on this drinking song! Leah, you help her!"

Meg ran off, followed by another girl called Leah, almost her twin they were so alike. Solos clutched his other wenches close to him, giving them each a warm hug and a few coins each, whooping with delight. One of the girls turned to him questioningly; "Will Kraxos be open this time of night?"

"For the amount of money Meg and Leah have, he'll be open anytime!" Solos laughed.

"Well, we gotta be moving," Graham said, Terry and John rising to their feet to leave with their colleague.

"Thanks for the new name guys, I'll be flooded with customers throughout the known world," Solos said gratefully and threw a bag of silver to John, who caught it deftly.

"Heigh-ho, silver, away!" Terry sang out and his turban fell over his eyes, temporarily covering his face as he and his fellow Magi left.

"Who was that masked man?" Ariane, another of the serving wenches asked in wonder as the three men left.

"I've no idea, but he and his friends saved our bacon - now let's get weaving, we've got lots of work to do yet!" Solos said breathlessly and they went into the kitchen to make ready some more "spam", as soon as Meg and Leah returned.

"So where is Jaxi's place anyway?" Graham wanted to know as they wandered up the same street for the umpteenth time.

"Damned if I know, though in the maze of roads and alleys around here, we've probably passed it already and not known it," John agreed.

"Well, he must be around here somewhere," Terry said defiantly. "The vision said so."

"Oh well, it must be true then," Graham said sarcastically. "Just like it was in Palestine."

"Look guys, it must be -urrrk!" Terry's words were cut off as he was lifted from the ground several feet in the air by an iron grip of a meaty hand. John and Graham looked up at their brother Magi, then at the colosuus of a man who was holding him.

"Well, is that the time?" Graham said hastily and quickly backed away.

"We'll see you later, Terry! 'Bye!" John said hurriedly and both made to scarper for the camels, but were halted by Terry landing heavily on top of them. They tried to get up, but the presence of a size 18 boot on Terry's back, squashing the other two further into the ground, prevented this plan.

"NOW, ONE QUESTION," the giant's voice boomed across the street, almost deafening the trio below. "THERE'S A GOOD ANSWER AND A BAD ANSWER - DON'T CHOOSE THE BAD ANSWER!"

"What-what's the question?" John squeaked in a high voice.

"ARE YOU FROM THE ORIENT WITH GIFTS AND CAMELS?" the man-mountain demanded.

"That-that depends," John said nervously, in the same high-pitched voice.

"BAD ANSWER! WHO WANTS TO DIE FIRST?" the giant called out.

"Him!" Terry called out

"No, him!" Graham countered and the mighty man obliged by lifting all three at once and prepared to throw them at the nearest stone wall.

"On who you are," John continued hopefully, silently praying to the Gods to protect him.

"YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?" the man asked, his throwing hand paused with Graham and Terry swinging in mid-air.

"Y-yes, we were looking for a man who lived here with three sons," Terry quaked, his eyes closed in terror.

"I ONLY HAVE TWO SONS!" the mighty voice thundered, the vibrations shaking the three men's bodies and prepared to carry out his threat again.

"Wait!" Terry tried to shout, though it came out as only a whimper. "I had a vision of a third son being born here in Athens tonight!"

There was a brief pause while their captor thought this over. "WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE MAN YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?"

"J-Jaxi?" Graham answered quickly, but the giant seemed to take offence at this and threw all three at their camels, landing in a heap just short, Graham and John fortunately landing on the large form of Terry.

"THAT WAS THE GOOD ANSWER!" Jaxi called after them and kicked the doors of a large house open with a crash. "BRING ROUND THE CAMELS AND ENTER THE HOUSE! AND DON'T TAKE TOO LONG!"

John, Terry and Graham emerged from the pile of bodies, with the camels watching them with total disdain and rose to a stuttering stand. They led the camels round, unpacked the gifts and climbed the steps to the house, to be met by a young maid.

"Go through there," she pointed and after heaving the doors to, left them.

"WELL? WHAT KEPT YOU?" Jaxi bellowed at them, sitting in front of the fire.

"Um, getting the gifts from the camels?" John said hesitantly

"GOOD! NOW, SIT, KNEEL OR WHATEVER YOU ASTROLOGERS D0 AND DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE GOING TO DO!" Jaxi ordered them.

"Er, the child?" Graham prompted the Warlord.

"JETT! BRING THE BRAT IN!" Jaxi called out.

A young boy about six, entered the room with a large basket and plonked him down on the floor, then was standing by the three men in a trice and had a short sword raised at John's throat.

"JETT, LATER! THE KID FIRST, THEN WE ROB THEM BLIND!" Jaxi yelled at the boy, who made a face then stood by the door, toying with his sword, the light glinting off it.

"He's a caution isn't he?" John said with a nervous laugh, eyeing the boy warily.

"NEVER MIND THE CHATTER, GET ON WITH IT!" Jaxi demanded.

John approached the basket carefully, then looked up again at the massive figure of the Warlord. "Shouldn't the maid be looking after the child?"

"MAID? WE HAVEN'T GOT A-" Jaxi paused, then shouted through the closed door which the boy Jett was standing in front of. "JACE! UPSTAIRS NOW! I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE ABOUT DOING THAT!"

"So who's the mother then?" Graham asked timidly.

"SOME GODDESS; DIDN'T CATCH HER NAME AND SHE'D CHANGED HER LIKENESS SO I WOULDN'T RECOGNISE HER," Jaxi answered. "HERMES ARRIVED A WHILE BACK, GAVE ME THE BASKET, SAID "This is your son and you have to wait for three camel riders carrying gifts from the Orient so he can fulfill his destiny" AND VANISHED. THEN YOU LOT TURNED UP AND HERE WE ARE. GOING TO BE A GREAT WARLORD IS HE?"

"Of course!" John said, sounding shocked at the very idea that the baby would be anything else.

"AS GOOD AS ME?" Jaxi asked.

"As if!" Graham scoffed, catching quickly on the right line to follow.

"GOOD! LAST THING I NEED IS A YOUNG WHIPPER-SNAPPER OF MINE OVERTAKING MY DEEDS OF GLORY!" Jaxi said firmly. "JETT'S GOING TO BE AN ASSASSIN, NO IDEA WHAT JACE IS NOW, NEVER MIND GOING TO BE, AND THIS BOY'S GOING TO BECOME A GREAT WARRIOR, BEING A DEMI-GOD AND ALL."

"What's his name?" Terry queried.

"HMM?" Jaxi said, temporarily lost in a world of the future with his boys the assassin and the warrior, fighting side by side against all and sundry. "OH, JOXER. IN CASE YOU HADN'T NOTICED ALL THE NAMES IN THIS FAMILY BEGIN WITH 'J' ."

"Joxer, I bring you this fine scabbard that you may fight with a mighty sword and defeat all your enemies with ease," John said, laying the scabbard at the head of the basket.

"GOOD, GOOD. NEXT?" Jaxi said impatiently

Graham approached the basket cautiously, then laid the throwing knives and the short sword beside the fine scabbard. "Joxer, I bring you this short sword with magic properties, and these throwing daggers that can never miss in your hands."

"AND LASTLY?"

Terry boldly walked over to the basket, presenting the colander, pots and pans to the basket.

"WHAT'S THIS GOT TO DO WITH BEING A WARRIOR?" Jaxi roared.

"It's, erm, a Warrior's starting kit for young boys, " Terry explained quickly. "The pots and pans are to be pounded into armour, and the Colander is a trainee's helmet."

"GOOD! ANYTHING ELSE?" Jaxi wanted to know.

"Just one thing," Terry said, and lifted the baby from his basket to high as he could reach with his arms outstretched. "Joxer the Mighty, I present you to your Mother in Olympus and to the Mortals on earth. Choose wisely!" He lowered the child back into the basket, then underneath his breath, he whispered aloud: "Joxer, though your Mother may torment you and put you through mental torture, she will always be there for you in your hour of greatest need," and he laid the tiny statuette of the Love Goddess in the baby's tiny hands, which glowed for a moment, then disappeared.

Jaxi nodded to Jett, and they began to close on the three Magi. "SO WHY ARE YOU CALLED THE THREE WISE MEN, ANYWAY?"

"Because we know when to disappear!" Graham said and all three men promptly did so, leaving Jett and Jaxi staring at thin air, with only the baby's crying disturbing the still night.

"So why is it a magical sword and how are those knives never going to miss?" John quizzed Graham and Terry.

"The sword will never harm anyone, not without a point or an edge anyway - which is a kind of magic - and those knives will never miss while they're in his hands," Graham answered.

"Unfortunately, being throwing knives, they have to leave his hands sooner or later and then they miss whatever they're aimed at. Terry told me."

"And what did you say to the kid?" John asked.

"Only his legacy," Terry smiled and said no more on the subject.

"Well, fun though this has been, I'm knackered and I want some sleep," John said with a yawn. "We can party tomorrow night."

"I'm hearing you on F.M. - time to grab some kip," Graham agreed.

"What tavern did you transport us to, Graham?" Terry said pleasantly.

"Oh, the one with Solos and the girls in," Graham replied.

"And the Vikings," Terry added, with the tunes of the "Spam" song echoing around the tavern.

"They're back? I thought they'd left earlier?" John said incredulously

"And now they're back again - with a backing chorus by the sound of it!" Terry said, glaring at Graham.

"And I'm too spent to transport us anywhere else - Oh well, sleep tight!" Graham said with a resigned sigh as the song started up again.......................

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