On His Tod, part 5
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by Jerry Hendy


Amazon High Princess Gabrielle's head hurt.

It had seemed a good idea at the time for just the three of them to discuss matters in the Grand Vizier's Yurt. Gabrielle had learnt even in her short time in the Amazon Camp, that when Saha said frog, everyone jumped.

Now however, the ex-Queen of Ephiny's old tribe was tapping her fingers irritably on the chair she was occupying, as Xena and Saha were having one of their chats. A chat that could best be described as frank, bordering on direct - which meant the cleaners would be mopping up blood soon. Saha was explaining calmly and rationally for the umpteenth time, why Xena could not stay in the Camp, and Xena was getting testier by the minute - a forced smile hiding her rising temper.

"I'm sorry, Xena," Saha continued, holding a bound set of scrolls open with one hand and her free hand underlining a section of one particular scroll.

"Sorry? Why sorry?" Xena said warily.

"Amazon Book of Law, Volume II, Section IV, Subsection XXII clearly states that '...during and until a succession to High Queen takes place, all non-Amazons are excluded from all Amazon grounds and borders. Any within such borders shall be expelled immediately.' " She smiled triumphantly, closing the volume with a snap.

"Ah, but Xena Book of Law just as clearly states, "Dream on, you cunning bitch!" Xena faced off her adversary with a look of steely determination, her body taut and tense like a rope stretched to breaking point.

Gabrielle coughed sharply. "If I might have your attention, as you seem to have decided to let the whole camp hear of your issues...."

She gave them a fierce glare that stilled discussion immediately, both looking suitably cowed, a raised eyebrow from Xena the only comment. "And we're all here to see what's best for the amazons, aren't we?"

"Yes."

"No question."

"Sooo," Gabrielle continued, "What is my position? Will any of the other tribes give me trouble over my succession? Are there problems arising that can be addressed short term or can they wait?"

"Gabrielle," her Grand Vizier said smoothly, "As an Amazon Queen of a minor tribe and Heir apparent, you carry more weight than most, and have no enemies. Yet. As you're no doubt aware, when Sycorax was ruling, it was my place to keep the tribes in line and vote the way their consciences told them."

"And if they didn't?" Xena inquired.

"Well, let's just say that being called Chief Whip wasn't just a title," Saha answered with a small smile, instinctively flexing the knuckles of her right hand. "I'm sure one or two tribes will make a noise, but crash a few heads together and they'll knuckle down."

"Whatever happened to compromise and debate?" Gabrielle said rhetorically.

"There was an Amazon tribe who tried that," the redhead reflected. "Somewhere near Rome I think."

"An Amazon tribe in Italia?" Gabrielle said in surprise. "I didn't know there was one by Rome."

"There isn't. Not any more," Saha chuckled.

"Hmm, how many Shaman do we have in the Encampment?" the blonde wondered aloud.

"Let me see now...." Saha muttered as she totted up the total number of tribes. "Some tribes having none, or some having two or more, depending on tribe seniority, size, losses due to wars and skirmishes, assassinations..."

"About 85," she concluded.

"So one more would be fine, then? Good, I'll make Xena my personal Shaman," Gabrielle said briskly, before her Grand Vizier could offer any objections.

"Your Shaman, hmm?" her advisor mused aloud, her mind ticking over the political and administrative machinations as she thought this through.

"I can be your worst nightmare," Xena said with a smile entirely lacking warmth.

"I'm sure you can," Saha said dismissively, turning to Gabrielle again. "This does remove the problem of her not being an Amazon and I have every confidence it will go through the Amazon Council on the nod."

"But?" Gabrielle prompted.

"The Shaman Council may react with some caution to this radical and exciting proposal," the Vizier said dryly.

Gabrielle sighed again. "You mean they'll block it - Amazons looking after their own?"

"Yup."

"Of course," Saha added as an afterthought, "To be leader of the Amazon Nation needs not so much as finding the right answers as finding the right questions."

There was a pause as Gabrielle worked this offer of a deal out. "Saha, to change the subject completely, I was wondering what thought you had given to ways of serving the Amazon Nation after Sycorax was killed?"

"What an excellent question," Saha agreed. "Perhaps I might be able to best serve the Amazon Nation doing to you as I did to Sycorax."

"You mean 'for' me," the blonde corrected her gently.

"I don't think so," Xena growled.

"And seeking the other tribes continuing support and co-operation with the High Queen-to-be, would be a challenge," Saha continued.

"Quite so," Gabrielle concurred. "As long as I reign, your service will be appreciated."

She paused then leant forward, her expression as hard as granite - "Of course, service can be terminated. Or not. But I think you'll find it's my decision."

The redhead acknowledged this with the slightest of nods. "Well, High Princess, I shall endeavour to unite the tribes behind the leader until your Ceremony of Succession, and thereafter."

The emphasis on her unfulfilled promotion to the Seat of High Queen was not lost on Gabrielle - nor the fact that Saha would be in charge of everything until the Succession - and the subtle point of uniting behind an unnamed leader bit at her as a reminder of her predecessor's fate. She smiled humourlessly at her adversary. "Well, I'm sure I can rely on you holding the Amazon Nation together for a week at least," she remarked, implying that such a task could be carried out by a Hestian Priestess.

"Indeed Gabrielle, but remember - A week is a long time in politics," her not-so-humble servant replied.

A young Amazon's head peeping through the flap forestalled Gabrielle's reply. She squeaked nervously on feeling the heat of Saha's gaze upon her and then gaped as she saw the other occupants within.

"Yes?" Saha prompted testily.

The youth scuttled forward, keeping her head low and handed a scroll noisily to the Grand Vizier, before exiting hurriedly whilst curtsying to the triumvirate facing her.

"Now what was that all about?" Xena said rhetorically. "Must be important to disturb the Grand Vizier in a meeting, especially with the High Queen's successor and the famed Warrior Princess in attendance."

"Why, people come and tell me things," Saha beamed. "I must have that kind of face."

"Oh, you dropped it," Xena tutted, on stretching her arms in a yawn and accidentally knocking the scroll to the floor. In the same movement, her arm swept downwards scooping the scroll to Gabrielle who caught it neatly. "Was that scroll for you?" she added apologetically. "I'm sure you won't mind if High Queen Gabrielle looks at it first."

"Not at all, my pleasure," Saha acquiesced, her face giving away what her voice did not.

Gabrielle opened the scroll, her expression changing as she read aloud. "Note from Mistress of the Horse to Amazon Council: 'Request extra assistance in clearing manure from corral, as the last batch of feed had rhubarb inside - suggest we open trade links to farmers, as there appears to be a fast and ready supply of manure currently.'
Mistress of the Bow and Spear to Amazon Council: 'Request urgently a fresh batch of wood, as the weapon arsenal is inadequate at this time for even a minor campaign. We do however have ample supply of rope, so we are experimenting with attaching very long lengths of rope to all arrows and shorter lengths to spears so as to retrieve them when engaging the enemy.'
Mistress of the Shaman Council to the Amazon Council: 'The Council and all Shamans are now on a Teambuilding course in Hibernia and as such will be incommunicado. Our clairvoyant informs me we will return on the night of the next crescent moon - she thinks...'
Mistress of the Seamstress to Amazon council: 'It has been brought to my notice that some of the outfits worn by amazons gathered here are of an inadequate quality, these appear to be see-through. Please send all Amazons with such lesser uniforms to me for immediate inspection.' "

Gabrielle refrained from comment, passing the scroll back.

"Nice work if you can get it," was Xena's remark on reading the last.

"And you receive such 'news' items on a daily basis?" Gabrielle queried.

"Quite so," Saha replied, her eyes quickly skimming through the scroll. "As your senior advisor, I need to know and advise you accordingly."

"Really? So, Grand Vizier," Xena began, making Saha's title sound like an insult. "What if you don't need to know? What if it was for the High Queen's eyes only?"

"Gabrielle, as your main source of Intelligence, I need to know even if I don't need to know," the Grand Vizier answered enigmatically. "If an incident was to occur which you knew was occurring and I did not, you would be lacking in advice that I might have been able to give you had you decided to inform me and might take an unadvised course."

Gabrielle exchanged looks of bemusement with Xena. "I think I speak for both of us when I say, 'Huh?' "

"To put it another way - Suppose Xena was being sent off to Hibernia tomorrow?" the humble advisor hypothesised.

"What??" Xena exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "I'm not going to Hibernia!"

"Oh, aren't you?"

"No, she isn't," Gabrielle insisted firmly.

"How could I advise you if I didn't know about it? And suppose you were asked about the other tribes' reactions to the existence of a Non-Amazon within the confines of a Gathering? You are deemed to know everything - the bucket stops with you."

"The bucket?" the Amazon queried.

"Yes - leaders who make ill-advised choices tend to kick the bucket," Saha said dryly. "As your predecessor found out."

"Oh? And what bad choices did she make, without advice from you?" Xena sneered.

"Sycorax tried to clear a dung heap, but overlooked the fact that those who attempt to clean up a dung heap end up covered in dung."

"And what news of the investigation into Sycorax's murder?" Xena wanted to know. "Or are you still debating the price of shit with the local peasants?"

"Well, if we need a Vandal to run amok and rough up anyone, I'll let you know," Saha shot back. "Fortunately, we have reliable people with slightly more intellect than that of a yak."

"Maybe it's time to thin out the dead wood," Xena countered darkly.

"And there can be no doubt as to what that is," the redhead said meaningfully.

They glared at each other in mutual hostility, until Gabrielle found a solution. "Good, I like to end a meeting on agreement," she said and bustled Xena out of the yurt.

"She'll have to go too," Saha sniffed, to Xena's retreating back.

Then she relaxed slightly - but only slightly - at being left alone again. Being careful was a state of mind in her position - else you wouldn't remain there for long. Fools, she thought to herself. The point wasn't the scroll; it was the interruption that told me something was found. Now it remains to see what use I can make of it.


Joxer reflected on his current circumstances in Celesta's realm as he toiled away in the candle room. It was certainly better more than his mortal life allowed him. He had a sense of purpose, no one was shouting at him or hitting him - other than Miranda - and he could at least relax in between chores.

But on the other hand, he was totally alone. He missed his friends and family, and there was none he could relate to here. Cyril was dedicated to the Job, Miranda was just a pain, Alti was driven by her agendum though she hadn't actually said what it was, and Celesta was a Goddess - not on record as spending a lot of time with Mortals before she met them by appointment.

Still, there were worse jobs and there was a possibility of working in Olympus - however slight - if he succeeded at the job, with all the perks and bonuses that were available. His mind explored the potential extras that he might get in Olympus and his face opened up into a broad grin.

"Hey, Gofer!" a voice called to him from behind.

He focused quickly back on the present and turned to face the owner of the voice. "Alti, I never heard you coming at all - you must have the stealth of a cat."

"I have many skills," she commented.

"Hey, that's what Xena says," he exclaimed. "Do you know Xena?"

"Our paths have crossed once or twice," she nodded.

"So, you've met Gabby?" he asked eagerly.

"Xena's little bi- er, blonde friend?" she corrected herself.

"Yeppers, been too long since I saw her though," he reflected sadly.

"Mistress wants to see you," she said, beckoning a thumb upstairs.

"See me? What did I do?" he asked worriedly, his self-doubt sounding alarm bells.

She shrugged and gestured for him to pass over the shovel. "Maybe you've been upsetting Princess Prissy again? Best go and find out. But look on the bright side - if the worst happens, at least you won't have far to go!"

Her cackling followed him as he trudged up the stairs, pausing halfway up. "Hey Alti - why'd you call me Gofer?"

"Because you go-fer this, go-fer that..."

"Oh." And he exited through the door at the top, the sound of the shovel hacking at the dried up wax sounding the toll of doom.

He found his way to her study and knocked tentatively.

"YES?"

He pushed the door-to cautiously, looking to see where his employer was. On closing the door, he recognised a cage balanced on a hook as the one he'd carried the candles in before. Not seeing her immediately, he walked into the comfortable-looking room and saw her around the corner, disconcertingly hovering in front of the fireplace. The comfort of the room was illusory, because the crackling fire did not warm her, and she never descended from mid-air, so the pilecarpet, sofa, and grandfather armchair were unused.

He coughed nervously to announce his presence. "Erm, Celesta, you sent for me?"

"AH, JOXER. SIT DOWN PLEASE," the Goddess requested, pointing to the grandfather armchair.

He felt dwarfed as he lowered himself into the chair - doubly so, when the Goddess hovered in front and above him. Dressed in her usual garb of white shroud and her candle floating before her, only her brown eyes and auburn hair broke from the all white motif. "THE TIME HAS COME," she announced.

"It has?" he answered, uncertain how to respond to the statement.

"YES. THE TIME HAS COME TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH THE FAMILY."

"But-but-but, this is completely out of the blue? Are you sure?" he stammered in surprise.

A hundred and one questions ran through his mind at breakneck speed; He couldn't think what he'd done wrong. Well, ok, he and Miranda hadn't got on much and there was that time when he'd tried to stop that Amazon dying, but apart from that.... Maybe an impassioned defence about being the runt in a family of over-achievers and being best friends with Xena and Gabby?

"IT IS DECIDED," she said firmly. "I SHALL VISIT MY BROTHER AND TALK TO FATHER. YOU WILL JOIN ME WHEN IT IS AGREED YOU ARE READY."

He breathed a deep sigh of relief inside - if there was one thing being with Gabby had taught him, silence was a virtue to be valued. "And what will Miranda say?"

A twinkle of amusement crept into her eyes. "I SUSPECT SHE MAY SAY MANY THINGS, BUT IT IS NOT FOR HER TO DETERMINE YOUR READINESS."

"THIS MAY NOT BE FOR SOME TIME," she added, making it loud and clear that as a Mortal, the wait could be many, many, many years ahead.

He looked up hopefully at her. "So when can I start learning stuff?"

"YOU ALREADY HAVE - PATIENCE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY," the Goddess pointed out. "HOWEVER, YOU MAY START TONIGHT."

Three candles materialised on a coffee table by the armchair - two fat candles, the third a thinner one but its candleholder was covered in melted wax. "THESE ARE YOUR COLLECTIONS FOR TONIGHT. CYRIL WILL TAKE YOU, THERE SHOULDN'T BE PROBLEMS WITH ANY OF THEM," she said, floating around the corner.

She came back a moment later with the carrying cage, placing it on the table by the candles. As each candle was picked up, they were placed inside the cage lined up according to how much life was left, which wasn't a fat lot.

Joxer looked at the waning candles and remembered something he'd read in one of Gabby's scrolls once. "Um, if Hades doesn't take everyone, who do you - I - collect?"

"THERE ARE GREY AREAS COVERING WHO HAS WHOM, BUT DEATH IS THE END TO ALL. ALL," she stated firmly.

Celesta clasped the cage shut tightly and explained carefully the procedure. "NOW. THEY MUST BE COLLECTED IN ORDER, AND AS EACH LIFE ENDS, THE WICK MUST BE EXTINGUISHED, AND BACK WITHIN THE CAGE."

He lifted his hand in the air nervously. "So, um, why didn't you do that when I went out with you and Cyril?"

"YOU NEED TO LEARN EVERY ASPECT OF THE APPRENTICESHIP - I AM DEATH. I CAN DO THINGS YOU CANNOT."

Joxer looked at her candle a moment. "How do I take the people exactly? Do I just touch them or can I use your chakram?"

The Goddess mulled this one over, tapping her fingers thoughtfully on her chin. She nodded and vanished in a ripple of light - not like the rest of her family who seemed to like the sparkles and special effects, Joxer noticed.

He sat up within the armchair, placing a cushion underneath him to raise his height as he awaited her return. Having made himself comfortable and high enough so his eye level came closer to at least her shoulders, he gazed around the room and pondered upon the irony of the most furnished room in the House having a negligible effect upon its inhabitant.

Her re-appearance startled him, particularly when he discovered what his line of sight was actually level with. "You can use a crossbow?" she asked, offering the statement in the form of a query.

He blinked hastily, distracting his line of vision. "Er, yes - not for a few years though."

"Use this," she said, proffering him a well-made hand crossbow and a small pouch of bolts.

He took it carefully within his hands, instinctively feeling the shape and craftsmanship of the weapon. His thumb halted as it brushed against an indentation, and he turned it over to see what it was. "Hephaestus?" he queried, on seeing the stamp of a flashing anvil.

"Yes. As are the bolts," Celesta replied.

"Ooh - shaped like candles," Joxer commented in mock surprise, on opening the pouch and pulling the contents out.

"You were expecting something else?" the Olympian remarked. "A scythe perhaps?"

"Well, I thought they might be part of 'light' entertainment," Joxer grinned.

"Not really, no," she said flatly.

He took in his employer's mirthless expression and cleared his throat hastily. "Yep, they're well made, I can appreciate that," he amended, his face looking serious.

Her eyes narrowed, darkening to black. "Quite. Cyril will take you to each and be back again in no time at all."

"Not that time happens here anyway," Joxer observed.

"Time still occurs here," she corrected him gently. "Even Death and Olympus cannot halt time. But - it can be refined and sifted for each God's realm, so we are eternal."

"Kewl!" Joxer exclaimed. "Am I eternal too?"

"After a fashion," Celesta smiled.

He nodded in acknowledgement, though part of him wondered what the full meaning of the remark meant. Was he like the legendary Achilles; his body invulnerable bar one small part? He grunted as he pulled the release of the crossbow back, placing it and its deadly ammunition securely within his belt. The silence echoed as the candles burned down merrily, their owners' life melting lower with every drip.

The apprentice nonchalantly picked up the cage in his left hand and headed for the door decisively, stopping as a thought struck him. "Er, do I get a cloak or something? Only, you've got a shroud and a candle, and it's the whole image thing, y'know? Bit tricky taking people away from Mortality if they're expecting you - a Goddess - and well, they get me instead..."

She waited patiently through his ramblings, and then transformed his attire into an-all white suit, with a pale white glow surrounding him for good measure. "Your candle stays here until you pass your apprenticeship."

"Tubular!" was the delighted comment of thanks, and he exited hurriedly - pleased that he looked the part and raring to try out his new weapon.

"He's been around Aphrodite too long," Celesta remarked, rolling her eyes before vanishing to the candle and book rooms for a 'stock-check' of potential clients in the near future.

Joxer was making his way to the stables when Miranda stopped him. She snapped her fingers several times, and then smiled as she remembered his name - "Ah, Joxer!"

"Miranda," he said evenly, knowing full well she knew his name but wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of correcting her for the gazillionth time.

"Just wanted to wish you luck on your first time out," she beamed, patting him on the back. "Sorry if I gave you a hard time about our trip."

"No hard feelings, eh?" Joxer said brightly, his cheeriness breaking free of the dour mood Miranda always seemed to instill in him.

"Absolutely not - good luck!" Miranda waved to him.

When he was out of hearing, she cracked up into laughter - she'd attached a large 'L' to his back. "If he's a learner, he may as well let everyone know. Ha - no hard feelings indeed!" If one good turn deserved another, a bad turn deserved likewise. Or so Miranda reckoned.


"So Gabrielle," Xena began, "What are you going to do about her?"

They were both alone in an empty tent - surrounded by several flattened tents after Xena's chakrams had severed all the tent poles and supports - and sat on a stool each. After their chat with Saha, it seemed prudent to ensure no one was listening in to their conversation, and all the protests at wrecked accommodation melted away before the grim expression of the Warrior Princess.

"She didn't get where she is today by being careless or leaving openings," her friend said thoughtfully. "And we can't move directly against her because she hasn't actually done anything. All we have are instincts and suspicions "

"But?" Xena prompted, guessing her friend had an ace up her sleeve.

"We can clip her wings a bit," Gabrielle smiled. "It'd be terrible if some of the Amazon council fell ill and had to be replaced by 'suitable' candidates."

"Gabrielle, I think there are some serious hygiene problems around the cooking area," Xena said thoughtfully. "What if someone were to eat or drink something unhealthy?"

"Well, as High Queen, I think it's a serious matter that needs looking into," the Heir presumptive announced solemnly. "Perhaps you should make sure no-one is ill by accident."

"Oh, I'll make sure they won't get ill by accident," Xena said confidently. Xena gave a curtsy that would have done a Roman Emperor proud and left swiftly.

The blonde Bard pursed her lips testily, resting her forefingers upon her mouth; It wasn't a united nation, more a gathering of warring tribes. It wasn't immediately clear to her how the differences of the Amazons would be resolved in the long term - never mind the short term - since not only were most of the tribes constantly jostling for favour and position, there was a constant war footing between neighbouring tribes. Which for the time being was moderated to silent hostility.

Much as she was loath to admit it, Saha did have a point. The iron fist within the steel gauntlet appeared to work better at keeping the tribes to heel than an appeal to their better nature would.

A visit to the minor tribes would be useful, because although they have less clout than the major tribes, she had no doubt any unexpected promotions would make them more amenable to her leadership than Saha's. And if she was asked, she could always put it down to the social touch, moving amongst the gathered masses.

After all, she reasoned she did have the knack of gleaning information without actually asking for it directly. The gift of the Gab her father had called it. Well, maybe it was time she used it to her advantage. As a Sage once said, "he who is not one-up, is assuredly one-down."

Saha seemed to have a winning hand, but she, Gabrielle, was adept at changing situations to her advantage. It is one thing to think you have a winning hand, quite another to find you've been playing a different game and the rules have changed.

She smoothed her golden tresses back and smiled a queenly smile as she moved towards her people...

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