by Jerry Hendy
"Nice chariot," Miranda commented, on first sight of the beast of speed before her, the two horses now attached and waiting. The Palmyran stood proudly before her, an oily rag giving the chariot a final rub.
"O star of Olympus, the horses are as swift as the winds of Aeolus', and this chariot will get you all the way to Dacia by nightfall!"
"Well, when we see Hades, we'll say 'hi!' from you," Joxer promised, as he and Miranda mounted the platform. "How do you start this thing?"
"Pfftt! Well, duh! What do you think the whip's for?" Miranda commented.
"Beware of starting the horses, O ancestor of the Father of the Gods," the Palmyran warned as Joxer shrugged and raised the whip.
"Why, what happens?" Joxer asked as he cracked the whip above the horses' heads.
The chariot-maker's reply was inaudible, as Joxer, Miranda and the chariot went from 0-60Hp per second, blurring through the Athenian streets at a blistering pace.
"Well, we know one thing!" Joxer shouted as he held grimly onto the frame of the chariot, his legs and body trailing behind him in the air.
"What's that?" his co-driver hailed back, doing likewise.
"They are fast!!!"
The chariot was like a chakram attack; either people got out of the way or they got trampled, and the attempt by the gate Watch to check them for excess trade goods, alcoholic substances and dinars - otherwise known as the "City Guards' Benefit fund" - proved fruitless as the subsequent whirlwind left them bruised, battered and draped over fencing and the road sign pointing to Dacia.
Some of those wise enough to avoid the chariot's manic path, gazed down the trail of devastation to the wrecked gate, only a cloud of dust and faint cries of "Whooaa!" And "Stop, you stupid horses!" leaving a clue to as to what and who caused the chaos.
It didn't look as though it would take until nightfall to reach Dacia - a few hours was odds on favourite; the spectacular views of the coastline on the open road to Dacia whizzed by unnoticed as the reluctant chariot riders hauled themselves back on to the platform, hanging on grimly.
Joxer mentally thanked the Romans for one of their Civil wars happening in Greece - whatever else you could say about the Romans, they did build roads to last, and more importantly, straight roads.
He wasn't over keen right now on testing how immortal he was, if the chariot went one way and he went another. The breakneck pace was halted as a small village loomed ahead of a river, the horses slowing from a rapid gallop to a trot.
The hapless pair finally let loose of the chariot as it came to a halt by the riverbank; though both were out of breath, she made her pent-up feelings perfectly clear with a wide selection of gestures and facial expressions that spoke volumes. She glared at him frostily, her arms folded, and her hair, face, body and finery covered in grime, dust and assorted insects.
She was not best pleased, Joxer decided. A quick rest, meal and bath would be best to soothe a tetchy Miranda, and snapped his fingers confidently. The results were not all that he hoped for.
A white rabbit and three doves appeared briefly before they exited rapidly in a flash of fur and feathers. The bundle of wood at his feet enveloped him and Miranda in a plume of fire-less smoke. He snapped his fingers again, which sparked briefly, coughed and spluttered, then gave out to just a click.
He clapped his hands hopefully and the smoke slowly vanished into thin air. "Kewl!" he said gleefully. "I got the power!"
"Not quite," another voice said, from outside the smoke. The smoke disappeared to reveal a Shaman in all his regalia and robes, looking faintly annoyed, his fingers tapping the knob of his staff.
"Hey!" Miranda said excitedly. "You're a Shaman, aren't you?"
"Yes. Shaman at Large."
"At large from what?" Joxer wanted to know.
"What?"
"You said you were at large - what are you hiding from?"
"I'm not hiding from anything - I am Defeater of Demons, Bane of Barbarians, At Large to take on Allcomers!"
"Wow!" Joxer exclaimed, clearly impressed.
"Hey, boy!" Miranda hailed him, bringing him back to the important issue of having her look chic again. "Do you mind?"
"Umm, can you help Miranda out at all?" Joxer enquired. "Only she's looking forward to meeting Royalty and moving in the right circles and things."
"Surely," the Shaman answered, and waved his hands in an extravagant motion, restoring Miranda to looking pristine, glowing and clean again.
Death's daughter beamed radiantly at the transformation, eyeing the Shaman in such a way that made him have feelings that Shamans weren't supposed to have. Ever.
Joxer coughed pointedly to grab the pair's attention "Do you do more technical Shaman stuff?"
"What sort of technical?" the man asked.
"I'm a Goddess' apprentice, and I want to know how to get my powers back," Joxer declared.
"Of course you are, and I'm Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. So is this a flying visit or are you going to stay a while and piss me off some more?" the Shaman commented icily.
Miranda jangled her bag of heavy coins within her cloak. The effect was almost magical, as the man's eyes lit up with Dinar signs.
"Of course, I can do some technical Shaman charms and spells for you," he added hastily. "Technical tends to cost, however."
A tiny gem dropped into his cupped hands, which sealed with a 'snap'. "Well, I'll see what I can do-"
A dainty hand held the Shaman's grubby mitts in an iron grip, grinding the bones in a practised but casual way.
"That's a downpayment," Miranda said firmly, slowly letting go of his hands "Now you can show us to some Royalty."
"Royalty, huh?" the Shaman said thoughtfully. "You'd better step into my office then. He gestured to a squalid-looking hut a hundred yards away, and they followed after him.
"So how'd you know there was a Chariot there anyway?" Miranda asked.
"Smelt it," Joxer replied confidently. "My father was a Warlord and mad keen on Light and Heavy Chariots, so there were loads of horses around when I was a kid."
"Not the greatest chariot rider in the known world, are you?" she added scornfully.
"I'm a God in training now," Joxer shrugged, as if the chariot ride was of no consequence.
"Oh boy, Olympus is just going to love you," Miranda commented, with a roll of her eyes.
The Shaman tapped the staff on a mat in front of the hut, and the door swiftly opened inwards, grinding to a halt as it stuck on a bit of loose carpet. The opening of the door produced a rush of air, which messed Miranda's hair up again. The three of them trooped in, Miranda and Joxer gazing at the wonders of the hut as they entered.
The inside of the hut was impressive; a large library of dusty books, a large carpet with magical symbols and a scene of a windy day, crystal balls, a roaring fire, rolled up charts, assorted statuettes and various cobwebs strategically placed.
The Shaman sat on a rickety stool and placed two nameplates on a small table beside him. He indicated a bench opposite, which Miranda and Joxer sat down on gingerly, and lit a dribbly candle, which flamed upwards.
"Danielus Danux, Shaman at Large," Celesta's daughter read aloud. "The Shaman is IN."
"So you're Dan Dan, the Sha-man!" Joxer added helpfully.
"Well, you could put it that way, yes. Can we get on please?" Dan said shortly.
"He's learning the apprenticeship of being a God, but he's lost his powers temporarily and he wants them back," Miranda said, jumping in before Joxer could utter a word.
"And his God is?" Dan prompted.
"Celesta, Goddess of Death," Miranda replied.
"Ah," Dan said hesitantly, nervously stroking a hidden statuette of a God. "Tricky."
"But can you do it?" Miranda pressed him.
"I'll work on it," the shaman promised.
Feeling left out of the conversation, Joxer rose to his feet and ran his fingers along the bookshelf making a rustling noise until Miranda and Dan glared at him. He picked up a crystal ball, breathed hot air on to it and rubbed it with his sleeve in an attempt to see into it.
"Do you mind?" Dan growled, taking the crystal ball back and putting it back on its stand. "Crystal balls don't come cheap y'know."
Joxer stared about the room and noticed a lump under the frayed carpet where the door had stuck. He ambled over to the door, pushing it out a little, and lifted the carpet, not seeing the look of dismay crossing the shaman's face.
"What's this?" Death's apprentice mused, as he stooped downwards to remove the offending article.
A thin sheaf of papers fell out of a sewn piece of brown cloth neatly into his open hand and he read the title of the front page aloud. "Become a Shaman in 12 easy steps - Amaze your Friends! Baffle your enemies! Use your Olympian Sponsor to increase your powers! With Issue 1, a free staff with a knob on the end! Build up a large Library of knowledge (On Loan) from the Academy Apply to the Shaman Academy of Athens today!"
There was a silence while Joxer took all this in. He turned round and looked accusingly at the Shaman. "Shaman in 12 easy steps, eh?" "Defeater of Demons and Bane of Barbarians?"
"Well, maybe I exaggerated that a bit," Dan admitted.
"Aha!" Joxer exclaimed, picking up a weighty tome at random and showing the 'ON LOAN' stamp of the Shaman Academy.
"Well, I am a Shaman," Dan said with as much dignity as he could muster. "Just not fully trained yet."
"Oh chill!" Miranda chimed in. "You're not a fully trained God yet either."
"He started it," Joxer pouted. "Coming on all big and strong with the Shaman-stuff."
"Whatever," Miranda said dismissively.
"Who's your Olympian sponsor anyway?" she asked as an afterthought.
"Aeolus, God of the winds," the not-so-powerful Shaman answered.
"Well, it's someone different from the usual Gods," Miranda said.
"Explains the opening door and disappearing smoke anyway," Joxer remarked. "So what can you do?
"I have lots of knowledge and I can do some spells," Dan replied. "If the answer to your problem is in the Shamanic books of knowledge, I'll find it."
"Can't say fairer than that," the God-in-training shrugged.
"What about me meeting up with royalty?" Miranda, not in training for anything, enquired.
"There's a multitude of Amazons in the next field, with Regents, Princesses, Queens and even the High Queen," he answered, pointing to the field in question.
"And how are we supposed to wade the river and still look way kewl? Fly?" Miranda wanted to know
"We could use the stone bridge over by the blasted oak," Joxer pointed out, looking out through the open door
"Or we could use the stone bridge by the blasted oak," Miranda conceded. "And no using the whip this time!"
"Umm, we haven't got much time left, so it'll have to be a flying visit," Joxer suggested.
"So let's move it already!" She hurried after him, climbing onto the platform, giving Dan a most unlady-like wink as the chariot trundled over the bridge.
Dan Dan the Shaman gulped and thought an un-Shamanlike thought. He turned back into his hut and dealt himself a hand of cards from the Kaled deck. He whistled slowly as he glanced at the hand; Chaos, Death, War, Haste and the Lovers;
Well, as the Chin philosopher Lun Chin Day Li said, "Interesting times were fun to watch from a distance." And these should prove to be very interesting.
Another thought struck him as he leafed through a book on the Gods and related powers. Interesting for who exactly?
The chariot reached the other side of the bridge and eased through the grassy meadow at a gentle pace, until the horizon opened to as many yurts, caravans and tethered horses as the eye could see.
"I'm going to take a wild guess and say this is the Amazon encampment," Miranda said with heavy irony. "So how do we get to the Royalty and get introduced?"
A pair of Amazons appeared from nowhere, with spears upright and pointing at the chariot in a menacing way that said 'Keep out' in no uncertain terms. One of them shouted "Hey, you-" and got no further.
"Oh Gods, not again!" Miranda groaned, gripping the platform like grim death as Joxer cracked the whip, the chariot leaving wheeltrack marks on the flattened amazons.
The double whammy of the assassination and the Succession had thrown the Amazons into chaos, with numerous factions declaring for their preferred leader or for launching an attack against the centaurs or men.
At least it was in chaos, Xena thought to herself, as she stood impatiently in the waiting room. Right up to the moment when one of the Council declared for Gabrielle and suddenly there wasn't a dissenting voice anywhere. It had also been decided that a cavalry patrol would be sent out to determine what species the assassin was, while the Council formed up a plan of attack and retribution.
Xena had been part of the entourage with Gabrielle, until the charge for the horses had 'accidentally' swept her away in the rush, separating the two friends apart, at the moment the heir apparent and a Council member left for another destination. Xena had caught the eye of the red-haired Council member as Gabrielle was led away through a tent flap, who gave a charming smile but her green eyes stayed unblinking, giving a chilling look that made even Xena jump.
She'd subsequently been given the runaround by every single jobsworth Amazon in the camp, after Gabrielle disappeared into the Camp somewhere. If she heard the phrases "alas, protocol prevents the Princess Gabrielle mixing with non-amazons." and "Busy with Royal affairs" once more, someone was going to get a good slap.
It wasn't until an official 'fell off her horse' - incurring numerous bruises and two black eyes - and 'remembered' a waiting room, that Xena ended up where she was now. Her fingers drummed a loud, monotonous tattoo on a tent pole and her dark scowl ensured she wasn't crowded by any of the others waiting.
It was at this point that the chariot, Joxer and Miranda appeared, followed closely by a few hardy Amazons who were trying to avoid Miranda's stiletto heels jabbing out at them.
The residents of the tent scattered, as the runaway vehicle thundered through, and the tent quickly filled up again with angry Amazons in pursuit of the invader. The main tent pole broke in the mayhem, collapsing the tent just after the chariot broke through the other side, leaving almost everyone trapped inside.
Miranda aimed another heel backwards to dislodge the amazon still hanging on the back, until a hand firmly grasped her shoulder. "Don't do that, I've had a bad day," a grim voice said beside her.
Joxer jumped at the familiar voice, and risked a look behind him "Er, hi Xena," he greeted his comrade nervously.
"Nice day for a chariot ride, Joxer," Xena remarked, taking the reins firmly and slowing the horses down a smidge from the lightning-fast pace. "Is this a social call or are you just passing through?"
"Well, I Ð"
"Hold on to your hats - tents coming up!" Xena warned as another line of canvas buildings loomed into view Miranda and Joxer duly held on tightly as the chariot burst through more tents, startling the inhabitants.
"Nope, not in there," was Xena's only comment, as she peered down the neat tunnel of chariot-shaped holes.
"You're Xena, huh?" Miranda interrupted. "I thought you'd be taller."
"I get that a lot," the Warrior Princess nodded.
"Who's the girl?" she said to Joxer in an aside.
"Miranda?" Joxer said casually. "Oh, she's just someone I work with."
"Yeah, right!" Miranda countered. " I just happen to be the daughter of a Goddess! The one you work for in fact!"
Xena answered this revelation with a quizzical raise of her eyebrows, as she wheeled the chariot round to face the next clump of yurts.
"Miranda wanted to meet some royalty, so I brought her here," Joxer explained.
"Into a camp full of amazons," Xena said slowly. "Yep, that was a smart idea."
"More tents coming up!" she warned her passengers.
As the chariot entered the first, it broke through a long scroll Saha was showing Gabrielle; "This is my stop," Xena announced, handing the reins back to Joxer and nimbly jumping to Gabrielle's side
"Knock, knock!" she greeted Saha cheerily, putting her arm protectively round her best friend.
The chariot steamed into the next tent, the draping dropping over the driver and passenger, and coming to a grinding halt as it hit an obstacle that wasn't planning to be moving anytime soon. Joxer struggled with Miranda as they heaved the loose canvas free and gulped, on seeing the audience around the table facing them.
The Amazon Council were none too pleased at the interruption, especially from a non-Amazon and a mere man; they glared at them stonily, then rose as one, and began unsheathing their weapons.
"Hi!" Miranda began breezily, climbing free of the chariot and helping Joxer down. "I was wondering if you needed any chariots for your army, but I saw some parked in the camp, so we'll call back mucho later."
She smiled charmingly, the hostile amazons temporarily relaxed, thinking, Oh, well, that's alright then.
"So when do we start running?" Miranda whispered, as they backed out slowly, not making any sudden moves and still facing the Council.
"As soon as someone says 'hey, you!' " Joxer muttered back.
"Hey, you!" one of the Council called, now over the relaxed state she and her sisters were just under.
"Sort of now-ish?" Miranda suggested hesitantly.
"Leg it!" Joxer told her, leaving a cloud of dust as he vanished through the hole the chariot had just made. His cloud of dust was joined by Miranda's as she proved surprisingly fleet of foot.
"Hi Gabby!" Joxer panted as he ran past her.
"Oh, hi Joxer," the amazon Princess replied absent-mindedly, her mind more concentrated on being the referee between Xena and Saha and keeping it just to a mutual hostility.
"Joxer????" she repeated as her mind caught up with her eyes, doing a double-take.
"Hi, Amazon-girly!" Miranda gasped as she raced past.
A tramp of feet and clanging of weapons announced the arrival of the Amazon Council as they rushed through, stopping and curtsying in the presence of the heir apparent; "Your Majesty, which way did they go?" one asked breathlessly.
Gabriele, Saha and Xena gaped at the procession, then Saha pointed to the tentflap where the pursuees had exited.
"Joxer's fanclub's picking up," Xena said mildly, with a twinkle in her eyes, as the Amazon Council left in hot pursuit, brandishing their weapons determinedly.
"Which way now?" Miranda said from behind an ale wagon, catching her breath.
"Umm," Joxer hesitated as the hubbub of angry Amazons grew louder and ever closer.
"THIS WAY," the Goddess said solemnly, and the Amazon camp faded in an instant as Celesta took the dynamic duo back to her Realm.
Both sighed with relief at the sight of the House of Death, though for different reasons.
"I TRUST YOU HAD AN INTERESTING DAY WITH THE MORTALS?" Celesta asked her adopted daughter.
"That's one way of looking at it," Joxer chuckled.
Miranda stood open-mouthed, for a moment. "An interesting day?? He takes me for a hare-brained ride that only a warrior in platemail could survive unscathed, he takes me near to death meeting every lowlife he could possibly find, and to top it all, some grody women warriors, who haven't the first clue about fashion or haircare, masquerading as Royalty wanted to use our skin for a new tapestry."
She gave her mother an astonished look. "You want him to be your apprentice?? He wants locking up! You, Joxer, are the most irritating, maddening..."
Fortunately, the bees were swarming towards the running water at the time, so the loud, imaginative, if somewhat illegal in some Greek Cities, description of Joxer was sadly drowned out...
"Now where were we?" Xena asked Saha, recommencing hostilities.
"You were in the waiting room," the Grand Vizier replied.
"Yes, I was," Xena said pointedly. "And now I'm here."
"And now you've seen Her Majesty, you can go back again."
"Or I can stay here."
"Look," Gabrielle broke in, tired of the verbal cut and thrusts. "I'm the named heir, aren't I?"
"You are," Saha replied, with a dutiful nod.
"I want Xena to stay with me. I put a request in to the Amazon council for this to happen."
"I asked the Amazon Council to consider your request."
"What did they say?"
"They said no."
"They denied access of my best friend to the soon-to-be High Queen?" Gabrielle fumed.
"One moment, Majesty," Saha said patiently. "That is the minor sticking point - you are not High Queen yet. Once you are High Queen, your word is law. But until then, the Amazon Council are Regents. Quite rightly, with the diabolical murder of your predecessor, the Council are worried about security, and with your friend being a non-Amazon..."
Gabrielle sighed impatiently. "So when is the Succession?"
"At the end of the month, next full moon, when we pay homage to Artemis," the Grand Vizier replied respectfully. "Sadly, protocol and rules decree that you and sorry, I've forgotten your name Ð Gina, is it?"
"Xena, Warrior Princess Ð perhaps you've heard of me?" Xena growled.
A blank look passed over the courtier's face, the name seemingly meaning nothing. "No, sorry, must have been before my time."
"I've killed hundreds, thousands, let the rivers of the known World run red with blood Ð Grand Viziers, even. And one more wouldn't make any difference to me at all," Xena said quietly, her voice thick with menace and meaning.
Gabrielle coughed pointedly. "Saha, you were saying about protocol?"
"Of course, your majesty," the Grand Vizier answered smoothly. "Your friend Ð " Xena gave her a look " -Xena, not being an Amazon and not even a minor Queen of any tribes anywhere, and yourself cannot stay in the same hut or be with each other whilst on Amazon territory, until you are declared successor."
"Which is at the end of the month, next full moon, when we pay homage to Artemis," Gabrielle finished.
"We can however, pass your friend as an honourary Amazon next Amazon Council session," Saha added.
"Ah! That sounds better!" Gabrielle said brightly. "When would that be?"
"At the end of the month, next full moon, when we pay homage to Artemis," Xena and Saha chorused.
"Do I have the power to call an Extraordinary Meeting of the Amazon Council?" the High Queen-almost mused.
"You do."
"And when could I call when of those?"
"At the end of the month, next full moon, when we pay homage to Artemis," Xena and Saha, and Gabrielle all joined in.
"Hmm, purely, on a matter of protocol," the blonde began, "if I felt thirsty and happened to be passing by the ale wagon at the time, and Xena happened also to be there, and we happened to ask each other how were and what the weather was, that wouldn't be a break in protocol, would it?"
"No-ooo," Saha said cautiously, scenting a trap. "that would be allowed."
"And other such accidental, purely innocent meetings could also occur in other circumstances around the encampment, they would be ok too?" Gabrielle continued.
"Such meetings, in the day-to-day common affairs of the camp, would be fine," Saha answered reluctantly, accepting the get-out clause. "After all, such meetings, being purely coincidental could never be planned..."
She gave the pair a hard stare to emphasise her point. "Alas, your Majesty, I must now discuss more affairs of the Succession with you, whilst Xena is shown a lovely tent somewhere quite near..."
"I'm sure we shall meet coincidentally quite soon," Xena said innocently to her friend, who seemed to be suffering from a mysterious coughing fit.
"Cough! Cough! *Argo* Cough! Cough!"
Xena acknowledged the heir apparent's sudden bad cough with a hearty thump on the back, which made her better quickly enough; two guards who just happened to be passing escorted Xena out to the tent Saha recommended, but not before the two adversaries exchanged determined glances that told of trouble yet to come.
"Your Majesty, I wonder if you'd be good enough to fetch the ceremonial robe from the Council Room I told you about," Saha requested. "just a question of whether the seamstresses need to make any adjustments before the night of the Succession."
"Of course, Saha," Gabrielle agreed, walking through the handy hole the chariot had made.
"Alas, I feel sure the worry and stress of taking on the mantle of High Queen will take years off poor Gabrielle" the Grand Vizier murmured to herself. "and I fear it will fall once again upon my unworthy shoulders to 'guide' the Amazon Council to the right choice of High Queen who accepts all the right advice, after the unfortunate accident to befall Gabrielle."
She sighed softly to herself. "Oh dear, anyone might think the honour of being High Queen was fraught with danger for the unwise and unwary." She smiled a chilling smile, which changed to a beam of admiration as Gabrielle returned, enveloped in the Ceremonial Robe of the High Queen...