***** APHRODITE appears on a stage as the Solstice Fairy (in pink, naturally)and waves her wand *****

"And here we are again on Solstice Eve
Such frolics your eyes won't believe
Fun and gaiety and words that rhyme
'Tis all the fun of Pantomime!!!"

"But ho! Some boy this way comes, so shapely and sharply dressed
The Peking girls say his looks aren't the only part well-blessed!!!"

***** She rolls her eyes, then vanishes, leaving a sparkly heart-shape *****

Aladdin(aside to audience):
I'm Aladdin though before I've not seen ya,
I'm waiting for a glimpse of the delightful Princess Xena

Town crier:
Oyez! Oyez! Good people hear my cry
The Princess Xena's Litter this way comes by
Jet hair like silk and eyes like stars,
Songs and Epic poems sung upon lyres and sitars
She of many skills, great beauty and a brain
When the fleet's in port, she goes like a train!!!!

Princess Xena(draws open the curtain of her litter and espies Gabby - er, I mean Aladdin):
Hey kid, one moment, you've a bit of wood I've been seeking -

Aladdin: Not I, your Majesty -

Princess Xena: Please let me finish speaking!
I remember you from the Palace, one of many carpentry workers
You caught my attention right away unlike the slovenly shirkers

Aladdin(aside to audience under breath):
Can this be true, so busy on a kitchen part
I've missed out on trying a piece of posh tart?

Princess Xena: You were making a beautiful chair for the kitchen as I recall

Aladdin(looks disappointed):
Oh. Is that all?

Princess Xena:
Yes - I asked you for one made of oak, a carving better than jade or stone
A chair so great to be used as a royal throne.

Aladdin:
Indeed you asked for oak, but no oak was there anew,
Soooo.........

both sing: It had to be yew, it had to be yew.......

*****APHRODITE reappears, standing over Aladdin*****

"And so, Our hero sat alone sad and tragic
I know! I'll try some of my Fairy Magic!"

***** She waves her wand, but it bends as she waves it and the silver star breaks off and falls to the ground *****

"Oh pur-lease - Even the props don't work!"

***** She exits in a flutter of sparkles, muttering darkly about the script and motivation... *****

Aladdin:
Right now I'm feeling low
I'll give this old lamp a shiny glow

Out pops a Genie in a puff of smoke

Aladdin(gasps):
I knew I shouldn't rub my lamp too much
Something icky's spurted out, a ghoul or somesuch.

Genie(aka Strife, looking relaxed with more make-up than's healthy around the streets of Peking at night):
You may think this is camp
But I'm the Genie of the Lamp
Known in certain parts of Olympus up there
As the Genie with the curly black hair
So then Missy whatcha doing
What plans can Genie start you brewing?

Aladdin:
Oh I'm a boy, you must be mistaken

Genie(eyes up Aladdin's 'chest' area lustily):
Well, if you're a boy, you're grossly misshapen

Aladdin:
So tell me Genie - to hear this I can't wait -
How do Genies procreate?

Genie(raises an eyebrow suggestively):
To tell you the truth, to pass the days
Well, we just swing both ways!!!
(giggles a la Strife)

Aladdin(rolls eyes and grimaces):
There's an image a tad unsightly
Though I can't say I'm surprised at Aphrodite!

***** APHRODITE taps the unbroken end of her wand edgily on a loose bit of stage scenery, then points it at the stage, changing the golden and sapphire colours of Chin to an all pink theme, with a temple to her in the foreground. Genie and Aladdin glance at the changed scenery, then back to a tetchy Solstice Fairy *****

"You keep that up Blondie and I'll give you something to keep up permanently - and it ain't no wand, Baby!"

***** APHRODITE nods in satisfaction, then vanishes *****

Aladdin:
Umm...

Genie:
Chill Aladdin, the Fairy's in a tizzy
So time for Genie to get busy!
What's the plan for getting snuggly with Xena
A bod second only to 'Dite -

Aladdin(looks surprised):
You've seen her?

Genie:
Suffice to say if they don't want tabloid attention
I have a secure Olympus pension
(giggles again)

Aladdin:
I only have love for the sweet princess
I wish I had enough dinars to declare an interest.

In a puff of grey smoke and sparkles, plus cheap sound effects and a rapid change of stage scenery, Aladdin and Genie arrive on Mount Olympus at the Halls of War

Genie:
Well, here we are at Ares' pad
He'll give you a wish to make you glad
(pulls rope to ring doorbell)
Ding-Dong ....Avon calling!

the door falls to the floor in a splintering of wood as a lightning bolt hits it
"Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a Grecian Man -"

Genie(coughs pointedly):
Wrong Pantomime, Unc!

Ares:
What? Oh yeah *ahem* What puny Mortal dare disturb me in my mighty Halls of War?
(roars menacingly with laughter)

Genie:
Hey Ar, no need to be a meanie
it's only I, your favourite Genie
(brushes back hair with a deft brush of the left hand)

Ares(lifts head from lounging on his throne):
Well, I'll be a Son of a God - I see you've given the black leather a miss then?

Aladdin:
Hey! That doesn't rhyme!

Genie(whispers to Aladdin):
Poor old Ar can't rhyme up his words
had a nasty accident while sharpening his swords

Aladdin:
Like when Rome's top geezer
Became Julie Ann Caesar?

Genie:
Let's just say he has an alternate persona
Rumour has it he's known as Ramona
(rolls eyes and clucks teeth)

Ares:
I see you're up to your old tricks again, dragging your Mortal conquests around with you!!

Genie:
Alas, she's not mine
She's a boy, I think you'll find

Ares:
She is?
You've been out drinking with Apollo again, haven't you?

Genie:
Cheek! Even with us Magical Mystics
it's unusual to see on boys such vital statistics!

Aladdin:
I'd like to beg if I may
a wish to take away

Ares:
A wish? A wish?
You bring a mere Mortal up here and crave a wish just like that? The standards may have dropped some since Herc came on the scene, but not that much! You dare to beg a wish from I, Ares, mighty God of War, Lord of all my domain?
(puffs up chest and lets off a few fireballs off for good measure)

loud, hectoring voice on Olympus intercom system:
Ares? Ares? Where are you, you lazy, good-for-nothing, has-been Warrior?

Ares(cowers):
Yes, Discord, shnooki-lumps - I'm here, just talking to Genie and his friend.

Discord:
Never mind them now, where's that new Warlord you promised me? And why haven't you swept the floor of the Halls of War yet?

Ares:
Yes dear, doing it right away (calls up a broom from thin air and starts sweeping).

Discord:
Well, hurry up - I want it polished and clean for when Artemis and the girls come round later!
(the intercom switches off with a loud 'click')

Genie and Aladdin go into a quick huddle, and emerge thoughtful

Genie:
Unc, why let Dissie be a lumber
Why not bring an end to her number?

Ares(pouts whilst sweeping):
She's nicked my Sword of Power, so I'm Godless and Magicless. If only I could get it back.......

Genie:
Don't you worry, Ar, we've got a plan of attack

Aladdin:
You scratch ours and we'll scratch your back!

Ares:
I'll even let the Mortal live and have a wish if I become God of War again!

Genie(scolding):
Well, if you didn't make your Godhood so clear
Others wouldn't make it disappear

Ares:
So what's this plan then?

Aladdin:
Get the bitch here that makes you cower
And Genie'll help you recover your Godly power

Ares(shrugs then switches Intercom on):
Wonder what that Godling in the black's up to? Even Strife and Deimos were more use to me than her, she was only a bit of entertainment when I got bored with Mortal females after all -

Discord(growls as she makes an entrance):
On your knees, Deadbeat! How dare you speak over me without my permission in Olympus! Why, you ungrateful worm, I -

Aladdin(interrupting):
Sorry to break up this chat
But we need Ares GoW, not your doormat

Genie(fires a ray at Discord which transforms her....):
No hard feelings I hope Miss
but Pantos need a villainess to boo and hiss
You fit the role, got it off pat
So now you're King er..Queen Rat!

a bemused Discord has had her risque short skirt and low cut dress change to an unrealistic brown fur ensemble, with silly ears and teeth to match, and a cardboard crown on her head; Ares snatches his sword from Discord's waist, as the power flows back into him

Ares:
Ahhhh, the main man's back in town! Yeah Baby!

Genie(coughs loudly to grab Ares' attention):
Unc, some gold would be much appreciated
Don't forget this ray can be replicated

Ares:
Hmm, just this once.....
O dark dimensions of war, chaos and bitches
Give to this Mortal what he wishes

***** A cloud of smoke appears then clears away, leaving a somewhat scantily dressed quartet of Xena, Meg, Diana and Leah dancing seductively *****

Aladdin:
That's what you wanted for, not me
How about some Dinars to see?

Ares(snaps fingers and gestures to the Fab Four):
Hold that thought...
O War, so deathly and great
Give him enough dinars to start an Estate!

a chest appears from thin air, overflowing with golden dinars

Genie:
Well, we'll be on our way-

Ares:
Begone without delay! (Genie, Aladdin and the chest vanish back to Earth in a puff of smoke)
Now where were we? Oh yes - time to take 'stock' of things....

Discord is instantly chained to a set of stocks and a pillory attached to the ceiling

Ares(winks at audience, then grins wolfishly at the dancing girls):
Well, what did you think Gods got for Solstice? Aftershave and a handknit sweater?

***** APHRODITE reappears, waving her wand - repaired with some glue and sticky tape;

"And so our hero can marry the Princess
Good is rewarded over evil excess
Everyone has happy ever afters
Except for King Rat, chained to the rafters - (echoes from Olympus above, from Discord - "Heeeelp!")
But wait! Our story's not done yet
One last character we've not met
A Mortal waiting for Aladdin in his chamber
Could he still be in mortal danger?

Aladdin(aghast):
I'm aghast (see? *g*)- do you mean me harm
Despite my cute boyish charm?

Stranger:
I'm here to save the Panto so shabby
You are in fact the Bard known as Gabby

Aladdin(aka Gabby):
Yes it's true, I am she indeed
Me and Xena are the same female breed
But what plan you to do with this information?
To leak it to the Tabloid Press Association?

Stranger:
Fear not, young Bard, I'm on the Royal staff
The Princess' Equerry, I root out the chaff
I taste her food and arrange meetings
No robbers come for threat of beatings

Aladdin:
Hey! I recognise that voice, and those 'I luv Xena' Socks
You're that dashing hero, the one they call Jox!

Jox(bows gallantly):
Thankyou Milady and now to work...

Aladdin:
Milord, what means this sudden undressing
To give to me an unexpected blessing?

Jox(pulls curtain of 4poster bed to one side):
Dear Gabby, can't you guess?
As her foodtaster, I try everything before she does!!!!!

***** APHRODITE is pushed on stage hurriedly, as the lights dim on Aladdin and Jox *****

"Hey, watch it Mortal - the last one who tried that, ended up as one of my temple statues!'

she changes expression as she faces the audience and beams at them

"All's well that ends well, we hope you enjoyed the play
Temple donation boxes are waiting for those still to pay
And as Aladdin gives Jox's lamp a rub
perhaps she'll end up in the Solstice Pudding Club!!"

(her beam fades as she realises the meaning of the last sentence.) "Eww, that's just grody - Later!"

***** APHRODITE waves her wand at the stage and she, all the cast and the stage vanish in a cloud of pink sparkles *****

"So what do you think of the Pantomime?" Gabrielle enquired.

"You're calling Discord shnooki lumps, Ares is a wuss, and Xena and her lookalikes are dancing for Ares," Joxer mused. "Well, it's erm, different," he added, keeping a watchful eye on his dark-haired friend. "Still, it'll certainly go down well with the audiences - sex and action always sell after all -"

"However, a certain Warrior Princess might wish to discuss technical points to be amended," Xena said, implying that negotiations over the technical points would be in fact short and to the point.

"A good Bard always knows how to accept advice and criticism," Gabrielle answered hastily.

"Good," Xena said evenly.

Xena watered the horses and brushed them down, as Gabrielle and Joxer attempted to tidy the camp - though quietly wasn't in their vocabulary as they stumbled over objects and dropped equipment as fast as they picked it up.

"We can tidy the camp tomorrow," Xena sighed in exasperation. "Time to hit the bedrolls, you two - latenight drinking sessions don't aid early mornings."

"Night Xena," Gabrielle sang out as she flopped onto her bedroll.

"G'night Xena," Joxer said cheerily, giving the Warrior Princess a wave from his sleeping furs.

"Happy Solstice, Joxer," the Warrior Bard smiled as she peeped over at her companion.

"Happy Solstice, Gabby," Joxer hailed her back.

"Goodnight Gabrielle, goodnight Joxer, goodnight Argo, goodnight Horse, goodnight Johnboy," Xena said with a patience she didn't feel, pounding her pillow for emphasis.

"Hey Joxer, I found a pretty plant today - do you want to look at it?" Gabrielle whispered in a voice that could be heard in the next village a mile away.

"Kewl - what does it do?" he murmured back, resting upon an elbow.

"It's called mistletoe and people kiss under it for Solstice," the blonde continued in the same low tone, unaware of Xena watching the pair with a baleful eye.

"Should we try it out or let Xena start?" Joxer wondered.

"You're her official foodtaster - you try everything out before she does!" Gabrielle said before collapsing into giggles.

Their 'hushed' conversation was halted by Xena jumping to her feet, and stomping noisily away.

"Hey Xena, where ya going?" Joxer called out.

"To kill some annoying people," was the short reply.

"Neat - can we watch?" Gabrielle asked.

"No!" was the even shorter reply.

"Xena's cross - why's she cross Gabby?" Joxer wanted to know.

"Maybe she's just crabby," the other replied. "Warriors get to be crabby sometimes."

"Oh. What does this Mistletoe do again?" Joxer queried.

Gabrielle rustled in her backpack for a few noisy minutes, then emerged with a squashed plant with white berries. "This is it," she announced, holding it forth.

"It's purdy," he commented, looking at the plant every which way.

"Now you hold it above your friend and kiss them," Gabrielle said and covered his open chest with a sloppy kiss, ending in a loud raspberry on his bellybutton.

"That tickles Gabby!" he cackled. "Can I have a go now?"

"Okay, but don't use it all up - Xena might want to use it tomorrow," she agreed, passing it over to him.

He kissed the top of her head, as she lay draped over him. "Did I do it right Gabby?"

Both were suddenly hit by flying objects out of the darkness. "Oo, that was a goody Joxer - do it again, do it again!" Gabrielle squealed before falling into unconsciousness.

Joxer's head fell back without comment, a happy grin upon his face as he too slid into unconsciousness.

Xena grunted with satisfaction as the doublechakrams returned to her hand. "Aaaah, peace at last!"

She settled back on her sleepingroll and looked to her two friends; she grinned as the consequences of the next morning became apparent, with Joxer on his back, and Gabrielle's head resting on his bare stomach. Tomorrow would be an eventful day, but never dull - and what could be better than being with her best friends?

A tear sprung from his left eye, as he recalled his last ever sight of his friends, the bodies being picked up by Ares and taken to some unknown destination.

"Damn you Ares," he exploded in frustration, throwing a fist upwards. "Even in death you wouldn't leave them alone!"

"I'll find them, if it takes 25 years; even if they're in an iceberg somewhere, my tears could melt the snow and release them," he promised.

He sighed aloud and clambered to his feet. He gave the horse a stroke as he packed his few possessions into the saddlebags. The ownerless horse whinnied softly as he led her away by foot, trotting alongside. "C'mon Argo, we'll find them," he encouraged the mare. "but it'll be lonely this Solstice."

He paused as the first brilliant light of dawn broke forth upon the night sky, a brilliant myriad of colours opening up. He raised a half-smile and saluted the new morning. "Happy Solstice guys, wherever you are...."

Please take the time to write to Jerry at studmuffin_jer@yahoo.com, and let him know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Ares, Aphrodite, Strife, Discord, and all other characters who have appeared in either series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "Lonely This Christmas" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2002 by Jerry Hendy and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.