Lonely This Christmas
by Mud

Try to imagine a house that's not a home.
Try to imagine a Christmas all alone.
That's where I'll be
since you left me.
My tears could melt the snow.
What can I do
without you
I've got no place, no place to go
Chorus
It'll be lonely this Christmas
without you to hold
It'll be lonely this Christmas
Lonely and cold.
It'll be cold so cold
without you to hold
This Christmas
Each time I remember the day you went away.
And how I would listen to the things you had to say.
I just break down, as I look around
and the only things I see
are emptiness and loneliness
and an unlit Christmas Tree.
Chorus
[spoken] You remember last year, when you and I were together
We never thought there'd be an end
And I remember looking at you then
And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us
'Cos darlin', this is the time that you really need love
When it means so very very much.
Chorus
This Christmas ........
Merry Christmas darlin', wherever you are.

A low fire crackled away on a barren hilltop, the only light seemingly visible for miles around, illuminating a solitary figure with a tethered horse.

"So, yet another Solstice," Joxer said miserably, looking around and seeing only his own meagre possessions around him. "Bah, humbug!"

He pounded the ground with his right fist in frustration and glowered at the flames as if they were to blame for what had happened to his friends. He sighed aloud, his thoughts wandering back to last year's Solstice, a much jollier affair.....

"What are these anyway?" Gabrielle wanted to know, feeling the funny-shaped parcels wrapped in brightly coloured cloth.

"Bangers," Xena replied, reading a small note. "They're from Salmoneus - it's a new product he's brought out for Solstice."

"Ah, gotcha," Joxer nodded, unwrapping one until Xena put a restraining hand on his.

"Apparently, you're supposed to pull them from both ends," she said and proffered a 'Banger' to him.

The two friends pulled at the object until it separated - It fizzed briefly, then made a small bang, making them jump, and emptying a small cluster onto the floor; Joxer's nose perked up at a familiar smell, kneeling down to examine the 'Banger'. "Black powder!" he announced.

"Hmm, looks like Salmoneus has got a toehold in the Chin market!" Xena remarked.

"Well, we know why they're called Bangers now," Gabrielle commented, lifting the slightly charred contents of the 'Banger' from the ground and holding each up to the light: A miniature picture of the Master Salesman himself; A certificate of congratulation on obtaining the 'Banger' And a rolled-up paper crown.

"Who's for the hat?" Joxer asked, unrolling it.

"You can't wear it," Xena pointed out. "You're already wearing one."

He removed his Mongolian headgear in a flash, placing it upon his backpack. "Ha! Now I'm not!"

He doffed the pink crown upon his head with a flourish, ignoring Xena and Gabrielle's sniggers and folding his arms in determination

"Go on Gabby, pull a Banger," he urged.

Gabrielle shrugged, and choosing a Banger at random, passed one end to Xena whilst she grasped the other; The mini tug-of-war ended in a large bang, leaving both girls with soot-coloured faces and sprawled on the floor with their respective ends of the Banger.

Joxer helped his friends to their feet, then waved his hands wildly to disperse the smoke. "A bit too much Black Powder in that one," Joxer said dryly.

"You think?" Gabrielle replied with heavy sarcasm, in between coughing. Xena refrained from comment, settling for a long hard stare that dared him to giggle, snort, chuckle or laugh in any way.

"You pull one," Gabrielle said to Joxer, handing one over that she chose.

"I've already pulled one," the warrior with the new hat answered with a smile.

"And now you're pulling another one," his paramour insisted, giving him a black look.

"If you like Gabby," Joxer said airily, and grabbed hold of an end.

Both heaved together, Gabrielle more wary this time, and the Banger separated and - nothing. Two slips of paper fell out, one of which had the legend, "BANG!" written, the other being a handwritten note, "Sorry - ran out of Black Powder."

"Yellow hat anyone?" Joxer said brightly, holding the rolled-up headgear aloft which had been in his half of the Banger

"I'll pulverise Salmoneus next time I see him," Gabrielle muttered, as she grasped the yellow hat and wiped her face clean with it.

"I'll fetch some water," Joxer volunteered.

"Good idea," said Xena evenly. "Food's almost ready." She jumped to her feet, nonchalantly brushing off any remaining soot, and gave the meat on the spit a prod, then turned it over.

"How's the broth Gabrielle?" the warrior Princess called out to her comrade.

"It's ready now," Gabrielle replied, stirring the bowl steadily.

"I'm back," Joxer said cheerily, dropping the pail of water with a heavy thud on the ground, the water overspilling slightly as the vibrations slowed. "Got some nuts and berries too, found some bushes by the stream."

Gabrielle washed the berry and nut selection then passed them to Joxer who peeled them carefully. Between them, they opened up the top of the goose, packing the nuts and berries tightly within the bird, before Gabrielle used a needle to sew it together again.

After dousing one of the cooking fires to stop the broth spoiling, each took a plate of broth and huddled closely together by the main fire, tucking into the tasty soup with gusto.

"Hey Gabby, " Joxer asked, "Why'd you become a Bard?"

"Hmm," Gabrielle mused. "I guess it was many things - the chance of adventure, my gift for words and being stuck with Xena - ow!"

"What?" the Warrior Princess said, her face covered in sweet innocence. "My elbow slipped."

"Yeah. Right," the blonde retorted. "Anyway, being with Xena - " she gave a quick sideways glance to her companion - "It seemed the natural thing to illustrate her doings."

"You mean you put my adventures into stories," Xena interjected.

"That too," Gabrielle nodded. "I'm not the only story-teller here - you can both tell stories well if you try."

Joxer cleared his throat as he started; "There was a young lady called Lunt, who -"

"Xena, you start," the Bard said hurriedly, her face colouring a deep red.

Xena stroked her chin thoughtfully, as she mused over potential stories, then grinned as she began.

"It was the night before Solstice, in Olympus and all Greece
No Gods were causing mischief, only Elisian love and peace
When all of a sudden, there was such a clatter
I awoke with chakram ready, to make bandits scatter

I wondered perhaps if it was Senticles calling
But found instead someone dressed so appalling
A man dressed in red cloak, armed with a sack
Looked hauntingly familiar with leather so black

A white silken beard hanging over his own
I growled menacingly, chakram ready to be thrown
He held up hand and emptied his sack
a mixture of heavy weapons and assorted bric-a-brac

'Ares, you git!' I said, 'What's on your mind?'
"Something sick or perverted, nothing kind!'
He unsheathed his sword, lent upon it with a grin
"We'll have a no-holds barred fight - I'll let you win."
"Ha!" I snorted "you've not beaten me yet!"
He raised one eyebrow suggestively, "want a bet?"

So we raised a wager before fighting anew
A devious forfeit for the loser black and blue
Swords, halberds and maces, chomped and slashed with vigour
Both combatants jumped with more agility than Tigger
Sweat, cuts and bruises, both bloody and small
Shrugged off with hardly any bother at all
Fought through the long hours with barely a rest
An evenly fought duel, a most gruelling test

Both strived and cheated for the knockout blow
So the winner could gloat and crow
Ares went for a Pictish Kiss
A fearsome weapon to hit, not miss
I aimed a phoenix punch at his Happysack
His deep voice he'd soon lack

Both crumpled to the floor, both temporarily out of action
Dropped to the ground in a heap and probably in traction
They haltingly came round, dazed and squeaky
After the heavy fighting, looking a bit peaky
They acknowledged a draw, to recap another day
When Ares halted, before he went on his way
'Since you went independent, something I need to know
When you're fighting, do you go Commando?'

I winked, then curtsied ironically, ignoring Ares' frown
Not letting him know if my knickers were up or down
I hurried to my best friend, relieved to see her still snoozing
Not scoffing the mince pies left for Senticles, or whisky a-boozing!!!!!"

"Kewl poem Xena - I didn't know you had the artist in you!" Joxer applauded loudly.

"Very comical, Xena," Gabrielle commented drily, referring to the last lines of the ode. "I'll let The Athenian Academy of Bards know there's a new kid on the block."

She jumped up to look at the meat on the spit, giving the joint an experimental poke with her long knife and nodded with satisfaction when only juices and not blood flooded out.

"How's the broth?" Gabrielle asked her companions, placing her own empty plate to one side.

"Like Ambrosia!" Xena said, licking her lips.

"Very tasty Gabby!" Joxer answered, giving his stomach a pat. "What's next?"

"Roast Goose with berry and nut stuffing," the blonde bakester announced. "Come and get it!"

Xena carved the breast and leg into ample portions for all - plus a dollop of stuffing - with plenty of meat left over for journeys over the Solstice period. Gabrielle and Joxer were about to sit down again, when Xena produced a small bag; "Amphipolis' finest! Happy Solstice!"

Bottles of wine and brandy, indeed they were - the uncorking of the first bottle of wine was echoed by cheers and applause, the satisfying glug-glug sound as the bottle's contents emptied into mugs and tankards.

Xena raised her mug in a toast; "To friends - may we always be here for each other to the end."

"To friends," the trio of comrades echoed and clanked their mugs in a mutual salute.

"I have a toast too," Gabrielle announced, looking a mite wistful. "To family - so faraway, yet close in our hearts and blood."

"To family," they murmured, sipping the wine down.

"I also have a toast," Joxer said shyly, looking at his best friends. "To heroes - may they always be there for those who cannot help themselves."

"To heroes," the final toast echoed around the campsite, emptying the mugs of wine which were promptly refilled.

"Come on guys, the food's getting cold," Gabrielle said briskly, and they all dived into the meat and stuffing with gusto.

"Gabrielle, you'll make a lovely Housewife," Xena teased, letting loose an arabic belch by way of compliments.

"Ohhhh boy - I'm in the Elysian Fields now," Joxer said dreamily, flopping against a mossy treestump.

"You liked it then?" Gabrielle smiled. "Better make it a Solstice regular, huh?"

She relaxed by a boulder and pulled out her quill and scrolls from her backpack. She put the backpack to one side, and her quill danced across a scroll, as her Bardic mind let the words come in a steady torrent. She paused a moment, tapping the end of her quill on her teeth as something struck her. "Joxer, you haven't told us your tale yet?"

"Well, erm , you know, I'm not awfully good with stories, just songs and tunes," he answered her hesitatingly.

"So let's hear a tune then," Xena encouraged him.

"As long as it's not that one," Gabrielle added.

The Minstrel pouted as he leant over his backpack, strings and wood gleaming in the sunlight as his lute emerged. He gave it a loving rub with a piece of cloth, a couple of chords breaking free as he brushed over the strings. He rested it in his lap, half-standing as he tuned it up;

"Okay, here's one I wrote about the day that happened over a lot to you, Xena:

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Xena's lost it and tied up Gabby and me
She chakrammed a big cock who made her wake crabbily
but the day kept repeating itself for her

She agreed the idea to stop the day fractus
But arrows and bolts made us look like spiny cactus
A chakram in my chest armour sent her back to doze
Xena fixed it for the loving pair

"Gods, I remember that," Gabrielle chuckled, thinking back.

"Don't remind me," Xena groaned. "Have you any idea how hard it is to not only wake up to the same day every day, but to be the only one to remember what happened the previous days that didn't happen."

"When you put it that way, it's perfectly clear," Joxer commented sardonically.

"Yeah, laugh it up, Lute-boy," Xena replied with a roll of her eyes.

"Well, I liked the song anyway," Gabrielle said airily, pouring more wine into her mug. "You got anymore Joxer?"

Joxer mused over possible tunes, then nodded and picked up his lute again. His fingers nimbly picked into an upbeat tune, blurring across the strings in a fluid motion, humming audibly as he launched into the song.

"Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la

One daughter, 2 Brothers, 3 Doubles and more
All these doppelgangers bring confusion to the fore
Evil, posh and chaste lookalikes bizarre
A Demigoddess and odd kin leave an emotional scar

Creating chaos for Xena and Co.
Stopping the assassins blow
Good times at Meg's tavern flow....

Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la

4 Xenas, 3 Joxers, 2 Gabbys...go,
All lookalikes and family on show
Feisty/hot and fruity/haughty/ and pure
Xena...Meg...Diana and Leah

Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la, tra la la, la la la la....."

He paused for breath, then saw his friends snort and collapse in merry laughter

"Aw, cut it out guys," he protested . "Just a piece of nonsense I wrote y'know?"

"Tra la la la la?" Xena echoed in disbelief.

"Yep - just until I can find some neat words to add," Joxer replied easily.

"4 Xenas, 3 Joxers, 2 Gabbys, go???" Xena said again.

"Well, it seems only fair," the Minstrel pointed out. "You're the legend, Gabby writes about you, and I write songs of you."

"Hmm I wonder which'll stay the pace longer?" the 'legend' asked rhetorically, raising a quizzical eyebrow.

"Well, you never know," Joxer shrugged, emptying more brandy into his mug. "less likely things have happened."

"Such as?" Gabrielle enquired.

"You've both come back from death more than once, for one thing," Joxer commented. "How many mortals can say that of themselves, unless they are favoured by the Gods themselves?"

"That's true," Gabrielle admitted. "Wonder what the Gods have in store for us?"

"Well, whatever they've in mind I'll be ready to stop them," Xena growled. She climbed unsteadily to her feet, then fell on her arse with a bump as the effect of the brandy and wine hit her.

She whirled round to her friends, giving them a steely glare. "Joxer, you are grinning," she scolded him.

"Nooo, it's just a nervous twitch," Joxer assured her, his face twitching a few times in confirmation.

"Hmm, as long as it's just that," the Warrior princess muttered.

Gabrielle seemed to be having a coughing fit of some sort, though a discerning ear might distinguish sounds of mirth.

"Having trouble coughing Gabrielle?" Xena asked pleasantly. "My chakram's wonderful for clearing bad coughs."

She toyed with her chakram idly, twirling it innocently around her fingers, and suddenly the cough disappeared.

"Seems to be better now," the Bard said hurriedly.

"See what I mean?" Xena smiled.

"So, we've tried telling tales and songs," she continued. "What story have you for us, Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle drew out a scroll from her backpack, and sat upon the boulder she was resting against previously. "The story I have here is a new kind of play from Britannia, called Pantomime. It has a twist in that some of the girls' parts are played by men and some of the mens' parts were played by girls."

"That sounds very queer," Xena commented.

"My brother Jace was in one of those once," Joxer mused. "He said that not only was the Principal Boy a girl, but she didn't have any principals!!!"

"Dick Whittington?" Gabrielle asked, referring to the Pantomime.

"So it was rumoured," Joxer nodded, who wasn't.

"Ha. Ha. Ha," Gabrielle said humourlessly. "As I was saying - the pantomime I am about to relate is called 'Aladdin'........

Conclusion >>>