Once upon a time, in a once proud realm, known as England, there was a heroic Knight - Sir Auto of Tealeafton.

Known as Auto au Voleur by the local Barons, Auto the Audacious by their wives and Auto the Awesome by their daughters, Sir Auto had recently come into possession of a book, sent special delivery by a 'Friend'.

The book was called "Ye Joye of Questing" and Sir Auto was determined to finish every chapter, particularly if there was a nice jewel or two to be had at the end. He rode up jauntily on his handsome Arab grey stallion to a clearing and consulted the next section: 'The Silly Damsel'.

The opening page didn't have very much to say, other than a stark warning in big, friendly letters - "BEWARE OF THE LORD!"

Sir Auto wasn't fazed by this - most damsels in distress he'd come across were guarded by some Lord with assorted guards and traps, but he, Sir Auto, was more than capable of overcoming such minor obstacles.

He trotted up into a village, which had a helpful signpost sticking out by the marketsquare. As he approached the signpost, a very comely young Maiden with raven hair greeted him.

"Hello, she said. "I'm selling my wares."

Sir Auto gave his moustache an extra pointy twirl in anticipation - perhaps she was the very silly Damsel? "And what very fine wares you have! Tell me, my pretty English Rose, are you the Silly damsel in distress?"

"Alas not, good Sir Knight," the wench replied. "my name is Meg. The Silly Damsel lives that way."

Disappointed not to be sampling her wares, Sir Auto and his horse rode the road in the direction Xena had pointed.

Later that afternoon, a castle surrounded by a moat came into view, and Sir Auto halted to scan the bastion for the Silly Damsel.

The castle belonged to Lord Joxer; Joxer may seem a silly name, but then Lord Joxer was rather a silly Lord! His sole companion was the Lady Gabrielle, a lady of great standing and famed throughout the land for her stories. She was very fond of her silly lord, who liked to serenade her by playing fine tunes on his lute.

When she wasn't listening to Lord Joxer playing his lute, she was either making porridge which her Lord liked handy just in case Goldilocks happened to pop by, or writing her scrolls of stories and fables. She was in the middle of re-writing the Iliad as a short story, when she espied Sir Auto. "What a lovely horse," she mused. "I wonder if I'll be able to have a ride?"

Sir Auto caught sight of her at the same time and was struck by her beauty(and the peach of a ruby on a necklace around her neck). He sank to his knees in admiration, calling out to her in a declaration of love, but the Lady Gabrielle seemed unaware of it.

"Kewl! He must be offering me a ride on his horse," she said to herself.

Again Sir Auto proffered himself before her and again Lady Gabrielle stood aloof from him, admiring his horse instead. "Perhaps she cannot hear me?" Sir Auto wondered.

He gestured that they should meet where the moat narrows so that they may converse better, and she nodded in understanding. "Nice girl, but nothing upstairs," Sir Auto commented with a shake of the head, as he tethered his horse and walked over to speak to Lady Gabrielle.

Alas! Lady Gabrielle was not the only watcher as Lord Joxer had become aware of his presence and was making it very clear that Sir Auto should not only leave but offered certain advice involving a Pike and sitting down. "Go away!" Lord Joxer said angrily.

"No," Sir Auto said firmly.

Quite annoyed by now, Lord Joxer took off one of his Gauntlets and threw to the ground in an open challenge to Sir Auto. "Hah! That'll show him," the Lord said defiantly.

Undaunted, Sir Auto stepped across the drawbridge and offered his spare sword in acceptance of the challenge.

"Oh-oh!" thought Lord Joxer, as Sir Auto loomed above his smaller frame. "They keep getting bigger. Time for Plan B."

He took the Knight's blade and drew a line in the ground, daring Sir Auto to cross it and threatening dire consequences if he should. Sir Auto did so. The Lord drew another line. And another. And another.

"Hercules!" cried Lord Joxer, pointing down the road.

"Oh dear," Sir Auto said worriedly, turning round to see where the Demi-God was. "It must be about that Diamond I borrowed in Joxopolis last week."

But there was no-one in sight and the sudden sound of hasty footsteps alerted him to the absence of his adversary. Sir Auto hurried after him but was forestalled by the Portcullis which Lord Joxer had now dropped. It was now Sir Auto who was well and truly in a tizzy, which wasn't helped by the Lord pulling faces and waving cheerily at the frustrated knight from behind the safety of the closed Portcullis.

"Yowww!" Sir Auto exclaimed, on Lord Joxer returning his sword.

Sir Auto, still much put out by the Lord refusing the duel and running away, decided to ring the front door bell. The bell was loud and deafening, worthy of Big Ben had it been built then. The chastened Knight grinned evilly as he covered an ear with one hand, and pulled the rope lustily with his free hand, quite upsetting Lady Gabrielle and Lord Joxer who both covered their ears.

The Lord raced up the Tower, determined to end the cacophany of noise, and promptly tipped a tun of water over the Knight. Sir Auto, now soaked through, traipsed home, wondering what his mother would say.

Later that day, Sir Auto returned, in a fresh set of resplendent finery to woo the ample and delightful charms of the somewhat scatterbrained Lady Gabrielle. Once more the castle resounded with the vibrations of the mighty bell, and once more Lord Joxer scampered up the Tower to douse Sir Auto's enthusiasm.

Sir Auto was prepared this time, however, putting up his Mohammedan canopy - better known as the Medieval Umbrella - to protect him from the downpour. He flinched in anticipation as the water hit the umbrella, then smiled as he remained dry underneath.

"Missed me!" he hailed the Lord, standing out from the shelter to gloat properly.

"Oh no I didn't!" was Lord Joxer's retort, emptying a small barrel of wine over the now-unprotected Sir Auto.

"Hey!" the knight protested, tasting the wine as it dripped downwards. "Call that a wine?"

Soaked again, Sir Auto squelched home once more, wondering what his mother would say this time.

Later that day...

Sir Auto, determined to succeed yet, tried another approach; He rowed across the moat in a handy boat, delighted to see the very feminine charms of the Lady Gabrielle waiting for him on the castle's bank - only to be halted halfway across as the boat turned out to be firmly tied by a rope to a sturdy tree on the far bank.

To the guffaws of Lord Joxer who watched from the ramparts and to Sir Auto's dismay, the boat had reached the end of the rope's length and was now pulling him back again.

"I shall return!" Sir Auto cried defiantly, and stamped his foot firmly to emphasise his determination. In the boat. "Oops..."

Lord Joxer only laughed louder as the errant Knight's heavy foot broke through, letting the water in a steady torrent. He held his sword aloft, as he slowly sank into the watery deep, muttering a short prayer to Hermes.

Fortunately, the moat was only eye-high so Sir Auto did not perish in the grubby moat, but slowly pulled himself free via the tied rope, once again drenched to the skin. Making his way home, he wondered what his mother would say, let alone the boys at the local tavern!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again...

In yet another fresh set of clothes, that his Mother had just finished ironing, Sir Auto ventured out once more. Having made sure the boat was this time untied, no holes in, and the river not infested with sharks, piranhas or killer giant squid - which always turn up in what would be otherwise dull adventures - he safely rowed across and looked for the object of his desire.

As he leapt nimbly up the bank, an object caught his eye - a scroll, no less. A long scroll. Sir Auto followed it around a corner - for yards and yards it seemed to stretch. At last, he reached its end as Lady Gabrielle scribbled away more mighty words to her epic tome. "Is that one 'k' in Trojan schmuck or two?" she mused aloud.

Then their eyes met at last and fell into each other's arms, the world seeming to still for a moment. But only for a moment.

"Hello, sunshine," Lord Joxer greeted his adversary cheerily, playing an upbeat tune on his Lute. He pulled up a big pair of bellows marked 'KNIGHT RID' in big friendly letters, from by his feet.

"Knight Rid!!" Sir Auto cried fearfully, as the bellows sprayed towards him. He fled with all due speed, as Lord Joxer chased after him, letting the Bellows do their work. He leapt into his boat and rowed across as though the Furies themselves were after him. Lord Joxer nodded in satisfaction as his foe departed the field, giving the walls and moat a quick spray of 'KNIGHT RID' for good measure.

Safely across the moat, and not under pursuit any longer, Sir Auto consulted "Ye Joye of Questing" again for more advice; It had a footnote at the end of the second page, regarding The Quest of the Silly Damsel - 'Can be very trying.'

He turned over a couple of pages, which offered an alternative Quest: The Damsel in Distress, which also came with a helpful map. Sir Auto mounted his Charger again, and followed the route marked on the map.

A few miles down the road, he came upon across a sultry-looking maiden with a selection of fruit in a basket. "Are you the Damsel in distress?" Sir Auto asked hopefully, his eyes fixed upon what she had to offer.

"Nay, bold Chevalier," she answered regretfully, wishing she had problems worthy of being in distress "My name is Lila, the damsel in distress lives further that way."

Sir Auto waved at her sadly as he departed, admiring the fine pear she had on display. On he rode, on, on; following the map dutifully as it led him through hill, moors and dire weather until...

A familiar castle appeared over the horizon!!

Sir Auto looked back at the Castle, and then again at the map. "Either too much riding is bad for the eyesight or I've been here before, " he remarked.

Lord Joxer was in a good mood, having defeated the suitor for Lady Gabrielle, and was composing a new verse to his song:

"Lord Joxer the Mighty
Defender of Castle and Moat
More cunning than a weasel or stoat
With Lady Gabby his Paramour
Bardic writer by the score
Repulsing knights and other frights
A beacon of Lordly warrior Mights!
He's Lord Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!
He's Lord Joxer - Joxer the mighty!"

"Hmm, I think you're a bit off-key," Sir Auto criticised, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"Eep!" Lord Joxer said in surprise. "How did you, um, get past the guards?"

"You haven't got any Guards, Joxer, old buddy," Sir Auto pointed out.

"Ah, er," Lord Joxer floundered, then grinned as he brought the 'Knight Rid' Bellows out again. "Ha! Ha! Take that!"

Sir Auto looked smugly on as the 'Knight Rid' had nil effect. Joxer gave him another spray, still to effect; He looked in puzzlement at the bellows, thinking the hole was blocked up, then being disabused of this fact as the spray hit him in the ear. "Eww!"

Sir Auto took a pouch out of his top pocket, tapping it pointedly: 'Knight Rid Antidote - Take 2 before combats or duels' "A visit to the Apothecary can be most rewarding!"

Lord Joxer gulped, casually stepping backwards in retreat, then started as Sir Auto brought out his own bellows - a more compact and more well-made pair of Bellows with silk trim and scarlet and gold checks, with the legend: 'LORD REPELLENT' also in big, friendly letters.

Sir Auto brought up the 'Lord Repellent' and sprayed it with deadly effect at the prone Lord Joxer, who'd fallen over his feet, trying to get away.

A Triumph! Success! Lord Joxer had fallen, the fair Lady Gabrielle was his! But Lord Joxer had not yet played his final card...

Lady Gabrielle rushed to the stricken Lord - He's been at the Mead again!

Lord Joxer half-sat up, cradled in the Lady's arms, coughing and spluttering his last: "My life with girls has ended, though til lately I was up to it and soldiered on not gloriously; now on this wall will hang my weapons and my Lyre, discharged from the war."

"When did you read Horace?" Sir Auto scoffed "And in case you hadn't noticed, that's a lute, not a lyre!"

"I came, *cough, cough* I saw, I - I conked out," Lord Joxer murmured, cocking a wink at Sir Auto, before fainting in Lady Gabrielle's arms.

"Come, fair Lady - he's a goner," the knight cried in exultation, smacking his thighs in triumph. "I'll take you away from all this - goodbye, dreary Castle - Hello, swish Hotels and all the good wine and food you can eat!"

But Lady Gabrielle was deafened to his offers, her mind much concentrated on her Lord lying in her lap, stroking his hair back from his closed eyes.

Much puzzled, Sir Auto opened "Ye Joye of Questing" and looked at the warnings of the 'Silly Damsel' Quest again:
"BEWARE THE LORD!"
'The Silly damsel can be very trying.'
He turned a page and noted the small print at the bottom of the page: 'Forget it! Stick to Dragons!'

Sir Auto was much put out and discarded the Book in a huff, offering a curse on both Lady Gabrielle and Lord Joxer's Houses as he departed the Castle, and back to his Horse. The discarded book had a fly-leaf which had come open at the fall on the ground - 'Written by T. Raimi."

At Sir Auto's exit, Lord Joxer half-opened a watchful eye and made a purposeful recovery, much to the delight of the Lady Gabrielle, who helped him to his feet whilst hugging and kissing him lots. And so, as Sir George beat the Dragon, as the 300 Spartans and Xena defeated the Persians, so true love triumphed; Lady Gabrielle and Lord Joxer were married and as in all good tales, lived together happily ever after.

But - what of Sir Auto? What happened to the gallant Knight?

Having been rebuffed by the Silly damsel, he sought Meg and Lila to console him in his own inimitable fashion, and thus they did in a local Barn;

So, the point of this tale can at last be answered: Is a Lord in a castle better than a Knight in a Barn??

*Sir Auto opens an attic window and looks much tired by Meg and Lila's consoling, who promptly pull him back. Meg and Lila shake their heads firmly, and shut the window again!!*

Please take the time to write to Jerry at studmuffin_jer@yahoo.com and let him know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, Meg, Lila, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2001 by Jerry Hendy and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.