Happy Birthday (Altered Images (1981))

Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday

Happy, happy birthday in a hot bath
To those nice nice nights
I remember always, always
I got such a fright
Seeing them in my dark cupboard
With my great big cake
If they were me
If they were me
And I was you
And I was you
If they were me
If they were me
And I was you
And I was you
If they were me and I was you
Would you have liked a present too?

Happy, happy birthday in a hot bath
To those nice nice nights
I remember always, always
I got such a fright
Seeing them in my dark cupboard
With my great big cake
If they were me
If they were me
And I was you
And I was you
If they were me
If they were me
And I was you
And I was you
If they were me and I was you
Would you have liked a present too?

Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday

Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Happy birthday, happy birthday...

No-one was quite sure who had suggested it, but the one thing they were all agreed upon that it was a great idea and everyone joined in with great gusto. One moment they were drinking and eating to celebrate Gabrielle's Birthday, the next it had developed into party games;

The first game everyone started was 'Hide and Seek' until they realized that Ares and Aphrodite had an unfair advantage and changed the game to 'Postman's knock' which was very popular for lots of reasons - if only for seeing the very proper and correct Lao Ma in a long and lingering kiss with Ares!

Xena was highly amused at this until she got called onto kiss with Auto, who enjoyed it far too much for her liking. His strained expression afterwards and awkwardness at sitting down gave everyone a clue to her retribution but neither said anything. It was after Gabrielle drew Joxer and both parties were blushing afterwards, that that game drew to a close. Though curiously there was now a red mark on Gabrielle's neck, but she wasn't giving anything away on it. When Xena quizzed her on it, Gabrielle's only comment was that it was 'an insect bite' and her red expression only went a deeper shade of red...

The next game was 'Musical stools' which Joxer was happy to sit out, since he was the sole musician in the entourage. The site of Ares, Aphrodite, Lao Ma, Xena, Gabrielle, Auto, Ephiny and Amarice dancing around a set of stools in the middle of a secluded clearing to the tune of Joxer's lute was amusing enough, even more so when Joxer stopped playing and there was a mad rush for the stools to sit down. Lao Ma and Aphrodite were disadvantaged to start with, not being used to running around and were quickly out. Auto cheated by tripping Xena and sitting down on her stool but Gabrielle pulled it away leaving Auto sitting on the ground with a bump. It came down to Gabrielle and Ephiny in the battle for the last stool, and both were dancing merrily around it until Joxer called time by stopping the music. Both scrambled for the stool but Gabrielle just edged it, which won her a round of applause from Joxer, which gave everyone to suspect that their Games musician might be slightly biased.

As everyone was worn out after that game, the next frolic was decidedly more docile which everyone sat down for. 'Pass the parcel' seemed as fun a way of opening Gabrielle's presents as any that those gathered could think of and Joxer was happy to play the lute as the presents went around the circle. This time as the music stopped, the holder of the gift took a layer off the wrapping;

As the game continued, the mystery was from whom which gift came, and Gabrielle screwed up her face in concentration as she tried to work out. Some were easy to work out of course, like a pink perfume bottle from Aphrodite, a pair of silken hand fans from Lao Ma, and scrolls and new quills that came from Joxer, but the rest were teasers; A breast dagger, a scroll on unknown Amazon tribes, a leather version of her BGSB, a whip and a large emerald. The first came to her as she remembered the occasion when she swapped Xena's whip for a frying pan.

"Xena!" she exclaimed, holding the whip up and accepting the dig at her unfortunate barter. Her dark-haired friend acknowledged the correct answer with a smile and a glint in her eye, allowing the birthday girl to ponder the next mystery. An emerald? Who could that be from? She grinned suddenly, tossing it idly in the air and looked keenly at Autolycus, raising a quizzical eyebrow. "On loan?"

"Found it," the dashing King of Thieves said nonchalantly.

Gabrielle made a mental note to return the jewel to the authorities at a later date and picked up the scroll of Amazon tribes. Oh good grief, what was it, Have a go at Gabrielle day? "Thank you Amarice – I'm sure I'll find your tribe in there somewhere...."

Which left the breast dagger and the leather outfit, and Ares and Ephiny. She tucked the breast dagger into her cleavage and nodded to her Amazon friend. "Thank you Ephiny. Just the thing to give me an edge in a fight."

"Got me out of a few tight spots, " Ephiny answered.

Which meant that the leather outfit was from Ares. "So thoughtful" she said through gritted teeth.

"I'm sure you'll look good in leather," the God of War leered.

"Ar!" Aphrodite groaned, rolling her eyes at him.

"What?" Ares replied with an air of innocence that fooled no-one.

"I'll wear that when I give up my Amazon staff," Gabrielle said meaningfully. And with that, the game came to an end. And that was really where the trouble began.

Everyone was relaxing with a slice of cake on a plate and Ares was pushing his luck with Gabrielle to the limit with none too subtle remarks about the leather attire. Gabrielle was counting to ten mentally to grant her patience and looking at the slice of cake, then at Ares, then back at the cake again.

Aphrodite could see what was on the cards and rushed over to stop Gabrielle from doing something rash. And got it right squashed in her face instead.

"Ooooo!" She squealed, stamping her foot with rage. She was speechless for once and looked at her brother then at Gabrielle, who was at once apologetic and trying not to laugh. Ares wasn't one for such niceties however and guffawed out loud, causing the others to join in, including Gabrielle. It's generally a good idea not to piss off the Goddess of Love, especially as she'd tried to do something nice for her friend. Aphrodite pursed her lips and whistled up a cream cake of her own, debating who to let fly at.

Ares and Gabrielle backed off rapidly at the cake-covered Olympian, and since Ares was the cause of her misfortune, that was where the pie flew to.

That was not however where it landed, as Ares ducked and Amarice was the unwilling recipient.

Now it was Aphrodite's turn to look apologetic, holding a dainty hand to her mouth in shock. Aphrodite had at least only got a slice, which meant a few crumbs, a few smears of cream but not much else. Amarice had her whole face covered in a red creamy mix that left her barely able to see. "Cherry," she announced, wiping her eyes free and licking her mouth clean.

"Oh Gods Amarice, I'm so sorry," the blonde Olympian said truthfully.

"That's alright Aphrodite," the Amazon said airily, shaking her beautiful hair free of the worst of the cherry pie. "Could have happened to anyone. In fact, there's even a word in my tribe for something like that."

"There is?" Aphrodite smiled, cheering up at the thought of her faux pas being overlooked.

"Uh-oh," Xena muttered under her breath.

"It's called ....food fight!!" Amarice said with feeling, reaching for a particular squishy piece of cake and preparing to let fly.

Everyone else followed suit, looking for something to fling, except for the Gods who could and did whistle up a thick creamy cake at will instead of their usual fireballs.

"Er, Guys...?" a voice said hesitantly, peeping over the top of a musical instrument.

As Joxer piped up, all foodstuffs and pies swiveled towards him instinctively.

"Hey, hey, not the lute!!" he called out, waving his hands protectively in front of his beloved instrument.

"Don't hide behind it then!" Auto said with a laugh.

"It's just that this is Gabrielle's birthday y'know and we shouldn't ruin it for her," Joxer pleaded.

"I suppose" "He's got a point" "Fair enough" were most of the responses, save for Amarice who was still annoyed at being hit with a big cherry cream pie. "So how do we resolve this then?"

"Why not make it a game?" Joxer suggested.

"A game?" Amarice said curiously.

"Yep, everyone line up and a pie gets passed from one person to the next and when the music stops...."

"...Fun time!" Amarice finished gleefully, giving Aphrodite a long stare.

So they all lined up dutifully; Amarice, Lao Ma, Ares, Auto, Gabrielle, Xena, Aphrodite and finally Ephiny.

"You're not playing then Joxer?" Gabrielle asked.

"Oh no, " Joxer answered firmly. "Besides, playing my lute for you is the second best thing there is."

"What's the first?" Aphrodite asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Aphrodite, if you'd do the honours please?" Joxer said hurriedly.

The Goddess smiled to herself and a big creamy pie appeared in her hand, which she passed down the line to Amarice. Joxer ran his fingers over the strings and the game began;

There wasn't much to it as the music strummed along, each passing the pie swiftly to the end until it reached Ephiny, and then it began its return journey back along the line. The game of "Pass the Pie" was taking on a rhythm of its own, the sharper wits hanging onto the pies longer than some. It had just reached Amarice again when the music stopped and everyone sucked their breath in anticipation.

Amarice grinned and made forward to Aphrodite, until Joxer called out to her. "Um, Amarice, that's not the way the game works – you have to flan the one on your left."

Amarice pouted at not wreaking revenge and Aphrodite brightened at this. "But that means...." Gabrielle said thoughtfully and looked to her left at Xena.

"And that goes both ways," Xena said warningly, looking at her left on the return line back.

Amarice shrugged in apology to Lao Ma and placed the pie squarely in her face, rubbing it in for good measure. "Orange flavour," the victim said softly, calmly removing crust and pie from her eyes and sucking from her fingers.

"Hey! This is fun!" Amarice declared happily, as Lao Ma withdrew and sat out a stool.

"And Lao Ma's out!" Joxer sang out. "Everyone push up please! And Ares, you're nearest, so would you do the honours please?"

Ares called up another creamy flan and handed it to Amarice. The lute started up again and it sped up the line Gabrielle and Xena indulging in some fancy twirls to hold onto it longer, but passed them by and reached the Goddess, who promptly dropped it. "Ooo! What happens now?"

"Okay, for next time someone drops a pie, they pay a penalty – the last one out gets two pies to flan the dropper," Joxer said after a brief think. "So.... careful how you pass those pies!!"

Lao Ma had two pies appear in her hands courtesy of Aphrodite, and she smiled at Amarice, who started in response. "You're right Amarice, this is fun!"

"And Amarice... begin!"

The music started up once more, and they were being careful not to drop anything which also meant they held onto it longer. Joxer let his lute run the pie up and down the line until it reached ....Ares.

"No hard feelings Auto," the God of War said sorrowfully.

"Hey! Not the face," the King of Thieves said firmly, twirling his moustaches. "That's my fortune!"

"Well, when you put it that way...."Ares mused and planted his pie right in Autolycus' face.

"And Auto's out!" Joxer called, as Auto muttered wrathy words of revenge as he wiped his face clean. "Auto, if you'd care to take the pies from Lao Ma, please? Everyone, mush up please - And we begin again..."

"Auto's got a chocolate one!" Aphrodite giggled but wasn't concentrating as she received the pie from her brother and dropped it again.

"Well, here's two for you," Autolycus replied triumphantly as he hit her with a pie sandwich.

"Ooo! No fair!" the blonde pouted as the creamy crust ran down her face into her pink dress. "And I hate banana flavour!"

Auto shrugged insincerely with a broad smile and she called up two more pies which appeared in his hands – presumably not banana-flavoured. It took a moment for her to clear her vision before breathing in deeply and recollect herself to her satisfaction.

"Aphrodite, do you want to carry on, or pull out?" Joxer asked.

"I'll carry on," 'Dite announced without hesitation.

There was a smattering of applause amongst her fellow contestants, and Lao Ma and Joxer in appreciation. Auto couldn't because he had his hands full, but he nevertheless cast a thumbs-up at her. "Isn't this fun?" Aphrodite squealed, clapping her hands excitedly.

A new pie appeared in Amarice's hand and the cheery music recommenced, the pie taking its time to reach the other end now there were fewer of them. The twirls and curtsies and bows were getting ever more elaborate as it reached Amarice and passed right up the line to ..... Gabrielle.

"Gabrielle," Xena began with a big cheesy smile, opening her arms. "You wouldn't hit your best friend with a pie, would you?"

"No, you're right Xena, I couldn't do that," Gabrielle agreed with a sigh.

Xena visibly relaxed as Gabrielle lowered her pie, then promptly recoiled as the pie squelched noisily into her face. "So you're safe, Ephiny!"

"I suppose you think that's funny," Xena growled, as she blew out the crust and cream hanging on her mouth.

"No," Gabrielle answered with a warm grin "But aren't you glad I did?"

Even with her face covered in a strawberry cream, the look she gave Gabrielle in reply was definitely withering.

"And Xena's out!"

Xena snatched the pies from Auto, and looked fiercely at Joxer, who was about to let rip with another melody. "Are you sure you didn't do that on purpose?" Think carefully how you answer..."

"Certain," Joxer said shortly. "You were just unlucky, that's all."

"Hmm..." Xena muttered doubtfully, watching his face for the merest flicker of a smirk or a smile but finding nothing but concentration as he sought to find the cords for the next tune.

On cue, Amarice began again with a pie from Ares and it whizzed along the line and back again, nearly being dropped by Ares, just as the music stopped. "Oh no, not again!" Amarice wailed as she received her second pie of the day, which swiftly muffled her complaints under a weight of coffee cream pie.

"Gods 1, Amazons Nil," Ares sniffed as Amarice stepped out.

"Hmm, that one had brandy in it!" Amarice exclaimed as she tasted the substance coating her face and licked her lips. "Nice!"

"Oh bad luck Amarice – all those fancy moves too!" Joxer said regretfully. "Over to you Ares, you're next!"

The music flicked into action once more, Ares passing the next pie to his sister, then to Gabrielle and finally to Ephiny, who passed it under leg to Gabrielle, who curtsied to Aphrodite. And then the music stopped.

"Goddesses 1, Gods Nil!" Aphrodite said as she flanned her brother with precision and gave high fives to Gabrielle.

There were sharp oaths under his breath as he withdrew from the line and took the pies stroppily from Amarice. Xena said nothing apart from a smug snort, which changed to an annoyed sigh as he shook himself and all the pie smears disappeared from his person instantly. "Well, there's got to be some perks in being a God," Ares commented wryly.

"Er, yesss," Joxer noted and began playing the lute again, this time to a faster beat, with only the three girls left and Aphrodite supplying the pie. It needed all their dexterity to not drop it as it alternated from fast to slow and deliberating on fingertips for every second it could, going both high and low and right and left until the music stopped with Gabrielle.

"Sorry Ephiny," Gabrielle apologized as she returned the pie to her Regent in a very final fashion, squeezing it round in a circular movement and letting the lemon cream ooze out onto her blonde hair.

"You know, you're enjoying this far too much, Gabrielle," Ephiny spluttered through mouthfuls of cream.

"But it does match the colour of your hair," Auto pointed out helpfully.

"Thanks – I feel so much better now," Ephiny remarked dryly as she removed the cream with a single sweep of her fingers and passing on a stony glare.

"The Grand Final! I give you – Gabrielle, Queen of the Amazons and Aphrodite, the Goddess of Lurve!!"

Both took a curtsy and bow to the announcement, which was acknowledged with warm applause and appreciative whistles and cheers by Joxer and all the participants.

"And as it's the Final... Double Jeopardy! Aphrodite, TWO pies, if you would be so kind..."

As the Goddess called up two pies, Joxer began the final contest with a tune Xena and Gabrielle knew only too well. Under leg movement, twirls, bows, curtsies, round the back and overhead, the pies went smoothly across from one to the other with Ephiny awaiting for any slip ups with pies supplied by Ares. The music rolled along with the passes, not even a glitch or twitch from the two women, watching each other like a hawk The ex-participants were eager viewers too, making small wagers on who would win. There wasn't a thing in it, the only difference was that Gabrielle was following the music and curly-haired Deity wasn't. Which came in handy as the music ended and Gabrielle was holding the pies, inadvertently blurting out the ending of the song "...He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!"

"Ohhhhhh, beaten by that wretched song," Aphrodite sighed as Gabrielle hit her with a pie sandwich, sliding the pies up to the top of her head.

She saw Ephiny walking up to her and glowered at her. "You wouldn't dare..."

"Waste not, want not," Ephiny said sweetly as she added her pies, totally covering the runner-up in flans.

"Right, that's it Missy! Time for payback!" Aphrodite declared, shaking the mess free from her in a shimmy and entrancing sashay of pink sparkles.

"Anytime you like, Bimbo!" Ephiny challenged her.

"You got it, Babe!"

The clearing was now full of pies to throw and it didn't seem like anyone was excluded. Gabrielle was delighted at winning the "Pass the pie" contest, but no-one seemed to be taking any notice of her. The pies were flying in a barrage as everyone took aim and let loose. Gabrielle seemed to be invulnerable however, walking in a corridor as the cream flew about overhead, and left and right.

"Hey Xena, I won! Isn't that great?"

"Yeah, that's terrif- Mmmph! I saw you throw that Ephiny, you're toast!"

"Auto, isn't it great I won on my Birthday?"

"Yep, fair play to you Gabrielle and – Hey! Not on the jacket! Do you know how much this cost? And not the hair either!"

"Lao Ma, I won a contest on my birthday! First time ever!"

"Patience Gabrielle, is a virtue," the feminine Sage answered, waving a hand at a pie which returned to its owner with interest.

"That's great, you can turn away all objects like that – well, nearly all. Not that one either..."

"Ephiny, do you think you can do some sort of ceremony for the Amazons with me to celebrate that I won a contest?"

"Sounds great to me. We'll sort out that when we get back and – no sneaking up Aphrodite – throwing only! Here's one for you!"

"Ares, what about me? I won! I won! First time I ever won anything!"

"Good for you Gabrielle, maybe you'll be a warrior and get that edge you need, but it's a good sta – Sis, kiss your sweet arse godbye!"

"Amarice, what about me? I won the contest but no-one's taking any notice?! What did you do in your tribe to get attention?"

"Gabrielle, in case you hadn't noticed there's a big custard pie throwing fight going on and you're right in the middle of it. I'm on you Ares! Hey! Help, help, I can't see! Gabrielle , tell me which way to throw..."

"Oh, is there? I hadn't noticed. Amarice, you don't want to turn round like that when you can't see because – "

"Gabby, duck!"

"Arrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!"

"Oh sorry Gabrielle, I guess you just walked into that pie I was holding when you ducked. And that was unlucky everyone else hit you at the same time...."

"Yeah, thanks Amarice. Have another on me."

"Cheers for that Gabrielle. I can't see again...Oooo, Sherry! More Brandy anyone? Brandy, Brandy! Thanks Xena!"

There was a feminine giggle that did not belong to any of Gabrielle's party guests, nor to herself. She took aim with a discarded flan that lay by her feet and let loose into a tree where the sound was coming from. It hit home by the sound of something falling through the leaves and branches and landing with a thump at their feet. At this sound, everyone stopped and looked at the hidden observer.

"Discord!" Ares said in surprise and annoyance.

"So you're the cause of all this – this- this... Ooooohhhh!!!" Aphrodite was temporarily lost for words but the scream and her clenched fists said it all.

"Discord?" the leather-clad Goddess added unhelpfully, wiping the pie from the top of her head. "Oh, wasn't that the best laugh ever? To see you all dance around those stools and postman's knock and then that hilarious pie fight! Ohhh, I'm going to dine out on that for years up on Olympus!!"

"Oh, you are in soooo much trouble" Aphrodite threatened, stamping her foot in rage.

"I'm going to have Strife put in charge of you and send you to that alternate Universe and - and – there's no word for what you are - but you are one and a total one at that!"

Ares' ire was even more incandescent than his Sister's and not helped by Discord in a fit of giggles despite their threats and promises of dire consequences. "No Ares, I think I have a better idea," Xena said calmly.

"Oh, what are you going to do Xena? Hit me with a pie? I'm soooo scared!" the Goddess mocked her.

Xena grabbed Ares and Aphrodite and had a sharp word in their ears. They nodded in agreement, and barely a moment later they were in the middle of a village festival.

"Okay, Roll up, Roll up, Roll up!" Xena called out to the assembled masses, with Joxer playing his lute melodically to stir the crowd up. "Get your own back on the Gods, empty a bucket of ale over a lookalike of the Goddess Discord. A dinar a throw! Every hit wins a free blessing from Aphrodite or Ares, your choice!"

Sure enough, there was Discord stuck in a pillory and an empty bucket suspended over head. She wasn't best pleased by the look of it but imprisoned as she was, couldn't go anywhere. Ares proved he wasn't a lookalike and promptly filled the bucket with beer. He roared out encouragement to the crowd to support him and not his Sister, ending with a volley of balls that hit the bucket and emptied the cold, sticky beer over the reluctant Discord.

"Come on girls, want a little something extra from the Goddess Aphrodite?" the Goddess encouraged the feminine half of the crowd, refilling the bucket again. "Then prove you can hit that bucket! Tubular!"

"I don't think that anyone will be talking about your birthday party for a long time to come, Gabrielle," Xena said softly, as they left the village to the sound of Discord's frustrated shrieks. "At least, not with Ares and Aphrodite keeping that binding spell on Discord for a day or two..."

"But you must admit it was eventful Gabby," Joxer pointed out. "And you did win a contest."

"True, I did, didn't I?" the birthday girl said happily. "Pity there weren't any pies left - we could have thrown them at Discord. Happy, happy birthday in a hot bath, that's what I need."

Gabrielle sighed longingly at the thought of a nice soothing bath, as the pies were tasty but definitely messy and sticky.

"Well, there were two left," Xena commented sotto voce. "Now who was the only one not to get hit by any pies....?"

"Hmm, good point Xena," Gabrielle reflected, taking her lead from the dark haired warrior princess.

"Oh, Joxer..."

"Hey, you with the lute," a man called out from in front. "You were great just now – can I sign you up for my tavern tomorrow night?"

"My pleasure - and the pleasure would be all yours," Joxer said grandly, bowing expansively and throwing his hands out. "Oh Sorry Xena, Gabby – did I knock your arms just then? But I think lime suits you Gabby, it goes with your BGSB. What do you think Xena? That banoffee sort of works with your light brown leather..."

Xena and Gabrielle sighed and flung their arms around their friend and walked on down the road together.... "...He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty!"

Please take the time to write to Jerry at studmuffin_jer@yahoo.com, and let him know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Ephiny, Autolycus, and all characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2006 by Jerry Hendy and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.