Hades and the King of Thieves, part
1
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Copyright 2000
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Autolycos - King of Thieves
Joxer the Mighty
Gabrielle, Amazon Bard
Xena, Warrior Princess
Hades, God of the Underworld
Zeus, Father of the Gods and Sky
Hera, Mother of the Gods and Family
Athena, Goddess of War, Wisom and Weaving
Ares, God of War
Hermes, Messenger of the Gods
The Jury - Lila, Meg, 3 naked dancing Gabrielle's, Jett, Jace, Cyan,
Amarice, Eli, Aphrodite & Draco.
Assorted Satyrs, Harpies, Nymphs, Damned Souls and other Mythlogical
Beasts
Genres: X:WP - Drama/Comedy
Violence: None.
Sex: Insinuation and imagination only, and not descriptive.
Language: Mild expletives
Rating: PG-13
Subtext: None
Spoilers: Up to the end of Season Four.
Prologue - When You Wish Upon A God
There was a hammering at the door. It was insistent and urgent and loud. Gabrielle sat bolt upright in bed, her face sleepy and disoriented. The hammering got louder, more insistent and more annoying. The little Bard slowly surfaced from her deep slumber, while her rage at being awakened burned away the shreds of sleep that befuddled her. The pounding at the door continued.
Glancing over at her friend Xena, who continued sleeping peacefully in the next bed, she shook her head angrily and slid out from beneath the soft covers to set her feet on the floor. Muttering under her breath, she pulled on her boots. The cacophony at the door got louder.
"All right!" she hollered, with a glare at the abused portal, "I'm coming! I'm coming!!"
Stamping into her boots she strode to the doorway, gripped the handle and flung it open. An armorless and well-scrubbed Joxer overbalanced in mid-knock and stumbled into her. The young blonde caught him and then quickly shoved him away. He slammed into the doorframe and fell to his knees. The daisies he held in his left hand scattered to the floor. With a pained expression clouding his eyes, he struggled to his feet and faced the furious young Bard.
"Morning Gabby!" he said with a faltering smile.
"What do you want, Joxer?" snapped Gabrielle.
As he knelt to retrieve the wilted and bruised flowers, his face wore a look reminiscent of a kicked puppy. She tapped her foot impatiently as he rose with the mashed bundle of flora gripped in his fist. Thrusting it towards her, she glared at it and crossed her arms expectantly.
"Happy Birthday Gabrielle!" said the would-be warrior in a quavering voice.
The diminutive Bard's face softened and her mouth fell open. Closing her eyes briefly, she opened them again to see her friend smiling tentatively at her. She returned the smile and with a quick glance back at Xena, she grabbed the door and gently pushed Joxer out into the hallway. The door closed with a snick behind her, and she took her friend's hand.
"Thank you Joxer!" she said softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. You're timing is a little off though. It's kind of early in the morning, isn't it?"
The young man's face fell and he smacked himself on the forehead.
"Aww Hades, I'm so sorry Gabby!" murmured Joxer, "I didn't think about the time. I just wanted to give you your present right away!"
She smiled at him and touched his cheek. He grinned back at her, but his face fell again as her gaze settled on the dead daisies still clutched in his hand. With a grimace, he let the mess fall to the hallway floor. The blonde Bard grinned at him. He chuckled back.
"The flowers were nice, Joxer, but I guess it's my own fault for them getting ruined," she snorted.
"Aha, but the flowers were only an extra!" exclaimed the wannabe warrior.
Gabrielle's eyebrows rose as her thoughts raced... ...oh no...now what has he gone and done...please don't let it be breakfast... "Uh, so what is my present, Joxer?" she asked cautiously looking around.
"This!" he crowed triumphantly, as he reached into his tunic and pulled out a tightly rolled scroll with a ribbon tied around it. With a flourish, he handed it to her. She gingerly took it from him and with a puzzled smile, untied the ribbon and opened the paper.
It said;
You walk in beauty, like the day
Of cloudless blue and sunny skies
And wondrous things that come what may
Are found in your clear blue-green eyes
That say all that there is to say
That you are beauty and so wise
Your skin is like alabaster
Your hair like fields of gold
My heart your slave and you it's master
When all your stories have been told
Near you my heart it does beat faster
To you my fragile soul is sold
Gabrielle swallowed hard as she stared at the scroll. The poem was beautiful, and Joxer's penmanship was perfect. She was speechless as she looked up at him.
"I know it's a little romantic, but...well...so, do you like it?" he said, biting his lip. "I worked on it all night. Autolycos helped me with it. He even got me the scrolls to work it out on."
The little Bard started at the mention of the thief's name. She was immediately suspicious. Something must be wrong if Autolycos was involved. Narrowing her eyes at Joxer, she put a hand in the middle of his chest.
"Autolycos got you the scrolls?" she queried. "What did you have to do in return, Joxer?"
"No..no..nothing!" he stammered. "He just gave them to me. Said he got them from a merchant in town here. Why?"
Whirling around, with the scroll still clutched in her hand, she shoved the door to her and Xena's room open and charged inside. Joxer followed her nervously. Gabrielle stormed over to where her pack was slung over the bedpost and ripped open the flap. Pulling out various items and tossing them on the bed, she eventually upended the pack completely onto the mattress. Scrambling the contents around with her free hand, she obviously didn't find what she was looking for. She slowly turned to Joxer, who hovered nearby, and stalked over to him. Reaching out, the little Bard gripped his tunic front and pulled his face into hers.
"He didn't get the scrolls from a merchant, Joxer!" she growled, brandishing the poem at him. "He stole them from me. He must have stolen them from me. There is only one merchant in town that sells scrolls, and he sold his his entire stock to me yesterday morning when I got into town. So, Joxer, that means you used up all my scrolls!"
She shoved him and he went stumbling back towards the doorway. Seeing the look on the advancing Bard's face, he grabbed the door as he ran from the room. It slammed on his heels as he accelerated down the hallway.
~~* Sometime later *~~
Joxer sat dejectedly in a small grove of trees on the outside of town. He had run there after the debacle of giving his beloved her gift. Now, he sat, head in hands, muttering to himself.
"Why did I ever trust Autolycos? I can't believe I was so stupid!! All I wanted to do was write her a poem so she might see how much I actually love her. I would give anything for just a crumb of romantic affection from Gabrielle! Aww Hades!" he moaned.
The sound of inrushing air and a sizzle of sparks made him look up quickly. Appearing before him was the god Hades, dressed in dapper shades of grey, black and sliver, a crown upon his head as he smiled at the lovesick man. Joxer thrust himself to his feet and tripped back a step away from the God of the Underworld.
"No need to be alarmed, young warrior!" said the grinning god. "You called me and I'm here!"
"I called you?" said the would-be warrior incredulously.
"Why yes!" oozed Hades as his grin widened. "You said you would give anything for a crumb of romantic affection from Gabrielle, and then you called my name!"
Joxer eyed the god suspiciously. "Uh...well, I did say that, but I didn't mean to call you! Sorry...I was just...wait a minute!"
Hades interrupted him. "Ask and you shall receive!" said the God of the Underworld and snapped his fingers.
The sound of breaking foliage made Joxer turn, and as he did so he heard Gabrielle's voice calling him.
"Joxer? Joxer my darling!!!" came the silky trill of the Amazon Bard. She burst into the clearing and ran straight into the surprised young man's arms. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she hoisted herself to wrap her strong legs around his waist. In astonishment, he grabbed her so she wouldn't fall, as she rained kisses all over his face.
"Oh Joxer, my darling!" said the little Bard breathily. "You disappeared before I could thank you for the beautiful birthday poem and to tell you that, yes I will marry you!"
Joxer stared from his beloved in his arms to the god still standing nearby. With a chuckle, Hades snapped his fingers and began to disappear the same way he arrived. His voice floated faintly to Joxer's ears as he returned to Tartarus.
"Remember, you owe me!" whispered the god and then he was gone.
Part One - One Good Man
The mead had been drunk and the cake had all been eaten. There was only washing up to be done, as the newlyweds wandered back to the inn where they had a room. Autolycos still couldn't believe his young friend's luck as he watched the happy couple chase each other back to their room. A sigh by his shoulder made him turn, and he found the Warrior Princess regarding him sardonically.
"Well, not that I begrudge them their happiness, but...uh...that was a little sudden, don't you think?" said Xena as she playfully punched the handsome thief on the arm.
He winced and moved away before answering her. "Not really! I've seen it coming for years!" insinuated the light-fingered regent. "Besides, the Mighty one keeps her from getting too big headed and Blondie'll make a man of him! If ya know what I mean?" He winked at her and then tugged at a curl that had escaped the crown of flowers she wore in her hair.
"I don't think that's any of our business, do you?" the tall, raven haired Warrior Princess rhetorically asked, as she sidled around him and trailed her fingertips across his shoulders. Her voice was low and sultry. Auto shivered at the thoughts running through his head. A sudden rush of affection made him turn suddenly, falling to one knee and taking her sword hand in his.
"Aww..whatya say Xena! Now that Gabrielle and Joxer are taken care of, you and me run off together? We've pretended before, but, aw hey, why not stop pretending...will you..." his words were cut off by a screech from the direction of the inn. Both Xena and Autolycos looked sharply at each other and then quickly began to move; Xena in the direction of the inn and Auto in any other.
"Oh no you don't, big fella!" sneered the Warrior Princess as she clasped the thief's hand tightly in hers. "You want to run away with me, you got to learn to face trouble!"
Pulling him along behind her, she moved purposefully towards the inn. As the two reached the doorway, a raging bundle of blonde bard, still wearing her wedding dress, came barrelling out, knocking all three of them to the ground. Auto was on the bottom, with the two women on top. He could feel Xena's scabbard sticking into a sensitive spot. Xena struggled to move, but she was pinned in place by her flailing friend.
"Get out of the way, Xena!" yowled the little Bard. "I have business with him! He's ruined my wedding night!"
With a grunt and a mighty shove, the taller woman pushed Gabrielle off her and scrambled to her feet. Holding the little Bard tightly about the waist and away from the tall thief, she offered a hand to him. He pulled himself up and then danced away a couple of steps to stare at the struggling Bard.
"Calm down, Gabrielle!" boomed Xena. "What's wrong and why is it Autolycos's fault?"
"He stole my scrolls in the first place and now Joxer is gone!" spat the petite Bard.
"Hey," responded Auto. "You can't prove anything and besides, why would that make Joxer leave on your wedding night. I mean, the little fella's wanted to be a big man on your campus for years now!"
"He's right, Gabrielle!" soothed Xena, while eying the thief speculatively. "Just calm down and tell me what happened."
With a final lunge and a glare at Autolycos, the slender blonde finally settled enough for her friend to release her. Panting slightly, she turned to face Xena.
"Joxer and I are just about to..." she paused and blushed, "...consummate our love, when Hades appears in the room and tells my new husband that he's there to collect the debt he owes him. I start to protest when Joxer stops me. He then turns to Hades and says 'Does it have to be now? Can't I at least show my wife how much I love her? Just for one night?'. And then Hades laughs at him and says no way. So, I demand an explanation and Joxer tells me that after he gave me my own scroll that Auto stole with the poem on it, he went out into the woods to think about how to fix things. He made a wishful thought that basically meant he would give anything for my love and so Hades appeared and granted his wish. The only thing is, there was no limit on how much time Joxer and I got to spend together." She finished and glared at the two of them. Xena and Autolycos exchanged a look.
"So, how is this my fault?" sneered the thief.
"If you hadn't stolen my scrolls, Joxer would never have used them all writing me that birthday poem, I would never have been angry with him, and he would never have made that stupid wish!!!" snarled the little Bard.
"Oh! Sorry Blondie..." said Autolycos with cautious grin that disappeared as he studied the faces of his two friends.
"Now what do we do?" interjected Xena.
"Well, I was able to convince Hades to give me a chance to free Joxer from his promise and he said that a tribunal of the gods would have to be held on Mt. Olympus," Gabrielle said as she slowly stalked up to the regent of appropriations. "That's where you come in, Your Highness. Since you boast that you can talk your way out of any situation that you can't get out of any other way, then you are going to represent Joxer and get him off!!!" she poked him in the chest as she spat each word at him. He winced and stepped back, but she followed him.
He glanced up at Xena, but saw no sympathy there, so he decided to stand his ground. "Okay, okay! I was only trying to help the little fella, so I'll just help him some more, but, uh, one question Gabs.."
She gave him a dangerous look, her arms akimbo. He covered his nether regions protectively.
"What's that?" came her low pitched growling reply.
"How are we supposed to get to Mt. Olympus from Thrace in time?" he shrugged at her.
She reached into the top of her lovely white gown and pulled out a large coin. "This!" she said shoving it right in front of his eyes. "Hades gave me this coin infused with the power of the Cronos stone, the only difference being that it moves you between everywhere and Mt. Olympus instead of anywhen! All I have to do is flip it, catch it and me and whomever is touching me at the time will be transported right there." She turned slightly, to face Xena as well before continuing. "Both of you better grab hold, because you are both going to help me get my husband back. Either by words or by sword!"
With a sigh, Xena strode over to her friend and grabbed hold. The two women glared at the thief before Xena reached out and took one his biceps in her grip. He yelped a little, but subsided as Gabrielle flipped the Cronos coin into the air. All three watched it descend into her outstretched palm. At the moment she caught it, the trio disappeared in a flash of silvery light.