DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Joxer the Mighty
Autolycos - King of Thieves
Arialle - The Captain's Daughter
Lub - Captain of the ship 'Brave Hero'
Gulta - First mate of the 'Brave Hero'
Olaf - Captain of the ship 'Odin's Pride'
Yurdin - Olaf's brother and a bard
Yolanda - Olaf's sister and a warrior maiden
Sea Hunter - A native of the new land
Two Foot - Shaman of the people of the new land
Arga - The Wonder Parrot
Various bit players, a sea monster and a flea that sounds suspiciously like Aphrodite

Genre: X:WP - Drama
Violence: Some
Sex: Nothing graphic.
Language: Some cursing, nothing extreme.
Rating: PG-13
Subtext: None.
Spoilers: Not really.

Part I - Fortune Favors the Brave

Gulls hung lazily in the sky and the tang of salt filled the air. Joxer lifted his bowed head and stopped in his tracks to breathe deeply. With a glance at the distant sea birds above the treetops, he sighed and adjusted his pack.

... Talaxios is just beyond these trees...an hour...maybe less...grab some supplies...maybe sell this stupid armor...buy passage on a ship...any ship - that's going as far away from HER as possible...at least i can take my body away...even if my thoughts and heart are always with her...

The young would-be warrior sighed heavily and continued his march towards the little port town. He was so preoccupied, he didn't notice the hissing sound in the stand of bushes he was passing. The hissing followed him as he trudged along and he suddenly became aware of it.

... oh great ... a snake is following me ... probably some divine snake ready to bite me so i die ... well ... at least if i get to the elesyian fields i won't have to think about gab - HER anymore ... i won't think about anything at all ...

The hissing persisted, so the young man stopped, dropped his pack and lay down on the ground. Squinting at the sun that shone directly into his eyes, he spread his limbs as far as they would go and shouted, "Okay snake! Come and get me. Put me out of my misery."

A shower of small stones rattled across his makeshift armor. Joxer lay still for a moment, then sat up and looked around quizzically. "Hmm...a snake that throws stones at it's victims before it bites them? Interesting. Okay, stones it is!" he said to himself and lay down again.

Another shower of stones clattered off his breastplate and one slightly larger landed on his groin. He exhaled sharply and crossed his legs. "All right, no need to get nasty now little snakey! Just bite me, kill me and get this over with!" he shouted up at the sky.

He waited, his head beginning to hurt from squeezing his eyes shut against the sun. After a few moments, nothing came and he decided to sit up and investigate. As he raised himself to a sitting position, a large rock came barrelling out of nowhere and hit him between the eyes. They young man's eyes crossed a moment and he fell, with a clatter, back to his prone position on the ground.

... must be a python ... that was a really big rock ... i'll probably hallucinate now ... as long as it's not three naked dancing you-know-who's ... thought the prone young man.

Joxer shook his head and began to rise to a sitting position, when something clamped onto his boots and began to drag him across the dusty track and into the bushes. He struggled, causing low branches to catch at his clothes, and thorns to scratch at his face and arms.

... this is some smart python ... shy too, to want some privacy ... also kinda sadistic the way these bushes are tearing my face apart ... great Zeus ...

"Hey now Mr. Phython!" wailed the would be warrior as he covered his eyes with his hands. "Watch the face. A handsome guy like me doesn't happen along every day, ya know!"

"Handsome?" snorted a light baritone voice. The voice paused and then dropped to a loud whisper. "When you were born the midwife slapped your father. The first time your mother ever saw you, she asked your father who let the dog sleep in your crib. You were such an ugly baby, you couldn't even come last place in an ugly baby contest. Why, when you were born - "

Joxer sat bolt upright and stared into the face of his old friend Autolycos. The big thief was grinning down at him and brushing dirt out of Joxer's hair. The younger man's face broke into a grin as he grabbed his friend in a bear hug. The thief accepted it, briefly and then shoved his friend away.

"No time for niceties Joxer my man. You on your way to Talaxios?" said Auto in a low voice, his eyes darting left, right and towards the road.

Puzzled, Joxer struggled to his feet, brushing down his clothes, his hands catching on his makeshift armour. With a frustrated sigh he looked up at his friend.

"Yeah! I'm on my way to anywhere that doesn't have Gab -" he stopped himself from saying the name and setting his jaw, continued, "Anywhere away from Greece.

Autolycos eyed his younger friend, a slight smile playing about his lips and eyes. He suddenly clapped Joxer on the shoulder, setting his teeth rattling, and grinned at him.

"I get ya! Skirt trouble. And if I'm not mistaken, little blonde skirt too." his lascivious grin threatened to split his head from ear to ear. With a nudge into Joxer's ribs, he leaned down to grab his pack and then almost yanked his friend off his feet as he pulled Joxer's pack from his shoulder. "Never mind little buddy! It'll be just you and me then! The open sea air. New horizons! You don't get seasick do you?" Auto said as he bustled the young man towards the port town, through the brush behind the bushes. Joxer stopped short and Auto turned to look questioningly at him.

"Why are you so eager to travel with me all of a sudden Autolycos?" said Joxer warily.

The thief chuckled nervously and pulled at the younger man's arm. Joxer didn't budge. Auto tugged harder. Joxer crossed his arms and waited.

"Well, Joxer old chum. It's like this ..." his voice trailed off as he saw the look of contempt on his friend's face. With a sigh, he began again. "Okay, okay! The truth is I have to get out of Greece for a while myself. Ya see, well, why don't I tell you on the way to the port? Please?"

Joxer sighed and gave in. He trudged along beside his friend as the thief rattled on about his latest escapade.

"There's this vault, in Troezen, you familiar with Troezen, nice place, lovely ladies, easy locks and come to think of it, so are some of the ladies!" he chuckled as the two men made their way to the port.

"...and so ya see, they used to have this blue diamond called the Tear of Aphrodite, but now I have the diamond and that's why I gotta get outta Greece. It's not safe for me here. In fact, that's why I'm leaving from this two-bit port town. The bigger ports would probably have people looking for me, bounty hunters, and I've grown accustomed to my face." said Auto as quietly as he could. He still drew a nasty look from a couple of nearby sailors buying goods from an outdoor stall. He glared back at them and then hustled Joxer along to a big ship that was loading huge bunches of dried olives and nets filled with cabbages. The two men stopped and watched a few moments.

The crew finished loading the nets onto the deck while another group of sailors and drovers were herding cattle into the hold. Joxer looked for the name of the ship and found it. She was called the 'Brave Hero'. Auto noticed the direction of his gaze and elbowed him.

"Good name for a ship, don't ya think?" he said mildly. "Sounds like just the perfect ship for a couple of heroes like us. Come on. Let's see if she's going our way!"

The tall thief yanked Joxer along with him as he approached the hard-working crew. Joxer rolled his eyes as Auto puffed up his chest and tapped the nearest sailor on the shoulder. The man barely glanced over his shoulder at Autolycos. He didn't like that and grabbed the man's arm. The sailor flattened him with a roundhouse punch to the jaw. Auto went down and Joxer caught him. Several other crew members rushed over to the aid of their mate. The thief scrambled to his feet, rubbing his jaw. He opened his mouth to speak to the now glowering group of sailors. Joxer stopped him by stepping forward. He was met by the sailor who had punched Auto.

"Whadya want ya scurvey landlubber?" snarled the sailor. "We're workin' here and don't need dogs like you botherin' us!"

Mutters of a similar sort came from the growing crowd behind him. Joxer gave them a winning smile and pushed an elbow into his friend's belly before he could speak.

"Ha ha, gentlemen, we...uh...we...are looking for the Captain of this fine vessel. We seek passage to foriegn shores." Joxer said loudly, as if by sheer volume he could prevent a brawl.

The sailors glowered at him and muttered some more to themselves. Joxer didn't like the looks on their faces and was about to grab Auto and run, when a beautiful woman appeared on the gangplank from the bowels of the ship. She saw the crowd of angry crew and with a flick of her long braid over her shoulder, she ran lightly down the plank to the shore. Pushing her way past lowing cattle and eager bystanders, she approached the group, bellowing in the most dulcet tones Joxer had ever heard.

"That's enough ya lazy sea curs! Get back to work and stop playing!" she boomed as she pushed several of the sailors back to work. They went, shooting dark looks at Joxer and Autolycos as they did, but they obeyed the woman.

As she drew closer, Joxer could see that she was barely a woman. If possible she was shorter than another beautiful woman he knew, but her body was quite different. Where Gabrielle was all lean muscle, this woman had curves like an hourglass. Her hair was a white blonde and her skin was clear and a healthy brown from hours spent in the sun. He couldn't take his eyes off her as he watched her bully each of the enormously brawny sailors back to work.

As she at last sent the last sailor, the one that had hit Auto, back to his chores, she stopped in front of him. She shaded her eyes from the sun and in that instant, he was lost in the bluest eyes.

... they're the color of bluebells ... the color of the sky at twilight .... the color of a stormy summer sky ... they're beautiful ...

He then noticed the young woman eyeing him critically. Her gaze travelled up and down his body, as if she were trying to see what he looked like with his clothes off. He blushed and looked away from her. A snicker from Auto made him take a step back from the woman. With a grin she introduced herself.

"M' name's Arialle." her voice a sultry assault. "And who might you be, handsome?"

Joxer avoided her gaze by studying the ship and introduced himself.

"Uh...I'm J-Joxer the Mighty, hero for hire." he stammered. "You've probably heard of me and this is my friend Au-".

The big thief stomped on his foot. Joxer bellowed in pain and staggered into Arialle's arms. She held him tightly as he glared at his friend. Auto's face wore a warning look and then he smiled at the pretty blonde.

"I'm Mycillis! A merchant's agent in search of rarities and exotic foodstuffs." he beamed at her and held out his hand.

She slipped her delicate fingers into the thief's fist as he bowed and kissed her knuckles. She yanked her hand away and then grabbed his arm for a two-pump warrior's shake. Auto was startled enough to just stare as she grinned at him. Joxer shot his friend a fearful look and tried to extricate himself from the iron grip of the tiny woman. She wouldn't let go and grabbed Auto's arm as well, dragging them both towards the 'Brave Hero', chattering all the while.

"Then you are in luck Mycilis and Joxer the Mighty. Because we are looking for a seeker of new things and a warrior for hire to guard our ship and lead our men. So, you're hired!" she chortled as she dragged them up the plank.

Joxer and Auto stared wide-eyed at each other over her head. They stumbled alongside Arialle as she held their arms in an iron grip. Reaching the ships cabin, she kicked open the door and hauled them both inside.

"I'll just introduce you to my father, Captain Lub. He'll be as glad I found you as I am!" she snorted as the door slammed behind them.

Part II - Yo Ho Ho And A Bottle of Rum

"Ohhhhh, she was a sailors daughter, she sailed the sea with me, but when she came to port towns, she gave her favors out for free!" sang a lusty bass voice.

Laughter was followed by a thump and a roar, as the singer fell backwards off his barrel. Shouts of encouragement and the scraping of wood on wood drowned out the rest of the sailor's commotion. All of a sudden, the cabin door banged open and a fuming Joxer strode onto the moonlit deck. A few snickers and snorts of derisive laughter met his appearance, but were just as suddenly silenced by the thundery look on his brow.

He stalked over to the group gathered on the deck, his jaw with an angry set and his eyes flashing in the moonlight. As he reached them, he slammed his hands on his hips and glowered at the men. A few snickers and low chuckles met his searing gaze.

"Don't you people ever sleep?" snarled the would be warrior, finally.

The group sputtered a moment, their laughter contained, and then loud guffaws and chortles exploded around Joxer's enraged form. The young man's face shaded to a deep red as his ire rose even higher. Lifting a fist and his index finger thrusting out, he began to shake it at the sailors.

"Now, listen here, you surly lot." he scolded, "Show some respect for us .... us ... landlubbers!" he sputtered.

His words were met with another raucous round of noise from the group. A sudden bellow from the Captain's cabin silenced them.

"Shut yer holes, ya scurvy bunch o' salty dogs!" came the voice of Captain Lub. The slamming of his cabin door silenced the last chortle. A satisfied sneer of smug elation spread across Joxer's face as he harumphed at them and turned to go. A viselike hand on his upper bicep stopped him with a squawk. His outburst caused the ship's parrot Arga, who was perched nearby, to squawk in response.

"Rawrk ... Arga want a cracker!" chimed the parrot.

Joxer grimaced, as much at the parrot as at the hand squeezing his arm. He was pulled around to end up face to face with the ship's first mate, Gulta. Swallowing hard, he studied the giant sailor's face.

It was not a kind face, nor could it be confused as a handsome face. The huge first mate's head was large and round like a pumpkin. He was almost hairless, with little clumps and lumps of hair sticking out at wild angles, though his face was covered by the shaggiest beard Joxer had ever seen. Gulta had one eybrow, large and bristly, that ran from one side of his brow to the other. His eyes were set deep in the craggy lines of his eyes and his nose jutted out like a rocky promintory. His saving grace was the dimple in his left cheek that could only be seen if he smiled. His blubbery lips were currently set in a malicious grin as he stared down at the young man. The dimple was not in sight.

Joxer winced as Gulta squeezed his bicep and pulled him over to stand in the center of the circle of sailors on the deck. Sensing a pending disaster, he tried to disarm the situation by chuckling nervously and offering his compliments on their song.

"Ha ha, nice song... me mates!" simpered the would-be warrior. "I like a good sing-a-long myself. In fact, I know a song you might like."

He flashed a winning smile at the men surrounding him and then took a deep breath.

"I'm Joxer the Mighty, friend to Aphrodite, defending all the temple girls, getting tickled by their curls, I'm Joxerrrrrrr, Joxer the Mighty!" he finished with a flourish, not noticing the soft swirl of pink and gold stardust that settled around him.

There was dead silence for a moment and then the laughter started. It began with chuckling and then built to a bellowing crescendo of mirth that continued for several moments. Eventually, all the sailors were rolling around on the deck or leaning against each other to keep from falling down and all were clutching their belly's as they laughed raucously.

Joxer laughed along with them, knowing they were laughing at him and grimacing inwardly at having to play the fool again. From the corner of his eye he spotted Autolycos lounging in the doorway to the cabins and regarding him insolently. The would-be warrior flashed his friend a quick grin before he began edging out of the circle of chortling men. As he reached the straggling edge, Gulta spotted him trying to escape and stopped laughing. The first mate reached him in three long strides and laid a ironlike hand on his shoulder.

"You can't leave yet, me bucko!" boomed a deceptively jovial Gulta as he pulled Joxer back into the circle. "There must be more than one verse to that fine tune!"

Joxer was about to stammer out a reply that was sure to get him killed, when Auto swaggered up to stand beside him.

"Ho ho ho!" he chortled, "Of course there is, and Joxer is going to sing every verse...twice if need be!" Auto smiled and winked at his young friend.

Gulta eyed the thief warily, but then slapped him genially on the shoulder, almost knocking him down. A shout from somewhere in the crowd brought a large jug of fermented juniper berries into Gulta's hand. The mate thrust the jug at Joxer.

"So have a drink with us to accept our hospitatlity of the sea and sing!" he menaced and then grinned at the two men, flashing a gold tooth.

Joxer and Autolycos glanced at each other and then with a swipe of his tunic over the mouth of the jug, the wannabe warrior took a large swallow. His sputtering and choking brought more laughter from the sailors, but Auto pulled him upright and whispered in his ear.

"In the name of the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite herself, sing!" he grinned and then grabbed the jug to take a swig himself. The tall thief's eyes bulged as the fiery liquid slid down to light a fire in his guts, but he held his ground and staggered over to a proffered barrel. He gestured for his friend to begin, and with a hard swallow, Joxer began to sing every verse he could remember.

It was six hours and two jugs later as the false dawn gleamed down on the mostly passed out crew. The only ones left awake were a seemingly unaffected Gulta, Arga the parrot who could now squawk out every verse of Joxer's theme song, and the sloppily drunk Joxer and Autolycos. Neither of the latter could stand very well without the other and they stood leaning against each other, swaying gently in the early morning breeze. Joxer was singing softly under his breath as Auto repeated his words in echo. Gulta beamed down at them both.

"Well, I'll say this for the two of you," growled the first mate, "You hold your juniper juice better than my crew." He gestured at the sailors sprawled where they had fallen in their drunken stupor in the early hours of the day. "You'll do all right when we get to Carthage!"

Auto's head snapped up and then lolled back down again before he pulled his own head up by his hair. The royal rogue glared owlishly at the first mate before speaking.

"C...Car....Carthage?" he slurred out. "That's almost the end of the world! Wha..whadda we goin' there for? Nobody goes to Carthage!"

Gulta's evil grin was back as he answered the thief.

"We go to Carthage!" he snarled and jammed an enormous thumb at his chest. "And we make lots of dinars and gold and gems for going there. We take things that others won't and bring back mercanaries who are willing to pay for the ride to Greece. That's why we are the richest ship in the whole of Greece. So, we go there and that's where you are going!" His gold tooth glinted in the soft light and the look in his eye made Auto sober up all of a sudden.

The thief shook his young friend, trying to rouse him from his drunken reverie, but Joxer would not be roused. Auto then did the one thing he knew would get his friend's attention, he slapped hard twice across the face. Joxer didn't feel a thing as his head snapped back. He just went on singing as Gulta snickered where he sat. Frantically, Autolycos searched his brain for a way to get his friend to sit up and listen. Light dawned in his eyes as he stumbled upon the one thing that would sober his friend up quickly. He leaned his mouth near Joxer's ear.

"Joxer old chum!" he murmured. "Gabrielle is here and she's naked and waiting for you!"

Instantly sober, Joxer's eyes grew wide and suddenly his head snapped up. His teeth clicked together and he bit his tongue sharply. Yowling in pain he jumped away from his friend and began to frantically turn around, searching for the blonde bard. Finally, he realized that Auto had tricked him and he turned to regard his friend disgustedly.

"She's not here." he sneered. "And I wouldn't care if she was. But why did you say that to me?"

Autolycos eyed his friend gently before replying.

"I needed you sobered up fast!" he said as he lay a hand on Joxer's shoulder. "This boat is taking us to Carthage!"

Joxer's eyes widened and then he caught sight of Gulta. The young would-be warrior rushed over and began tugging on the front of the mate's leather vest.

"We can't go to Carthage! That's a mean and nasty place. Even Xena doesn't like going there. You have to stop, turn around, let us off!" he screeched.

Gulta's look went hard as he studied the young man. Gripping his wrists savagely, he pulled Joxer's hands from his clothes. The young wannabe warrior yelped in pain. The first mate leaned close, his face pressed close to Joxer's.

"Too late! We go to Carthage and so do you! Now let go of my vest before I lock you in irons down with the cattle for the rest of the trip!" said the mate menancingly.

Joxer quivered in fear, trying frantically to find a way to save himself and defuse the situation. Gulta glared at him, but before things could go further, a shout came from the crow's nest. All three men looked around and saw Arialle, the Captain's daughter sliding down the mast that held the nest. Even from a distance, they could see the worried look on her face. She ran towards them over the ever moving deck. As she reached them, she slapped at Gulta's large, muscled arm.

"Let him go Gulta!" she snapped. "We've no time for your games. A storm is coming...a bad 'un."

Gulta released Joxer and turned to face the young woman. The would-be warrior stumbled away and was caught by Autolycos. Both men moved closer as Arialle and Gulta talked.

"What kinda storm?" said the mate as he grasped the young woman's shoulders. "Don't be foolin' with me now! T'is important."

Arialle squirmed away and glared at the giant man. "I know it be important, ye great lump of sea salt. And I say it's a bad 'un. I see Posieden's hand in this!"

Gulta jumped and went pale under his sea-darkened skin. "Ach! Don't speak the name of the God of the Waves so casual like. Now hush and go tell yer father! Lub'll need to see for himself."

Arialle jutted her chin out at the mate and then ran off to inform the Captain. Gulta turned and began to kick and shout at the recumbant sailors. Catching sight of the stunned and terrified Joxer and Autolycos, he grabbed each of them in a ham fist and pushed them towards the hold cabin.

"Ye'll be no use to me topside, so get ye self where you'll be outta my way!" he snarled.

Auto and Joxer stumbled in the direction he shoved them, but before they went downside, Joxer turned and called to Gulta.

"Will we be safe down there?" cried the fearful wannabe warrior.

The first mate shouted over his shoulder at him, "Safely out of my way and safer than me crew! Get ye downside. Now!" he bellowed.

Joxer and Auto glanced at each other and then hurried below as the ship began to pitch and yaw.

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