Dramatis Personae

Minerva, a kindred spirit to Joxer.
Joxer the Mighty, the kindest warlord ever born
Autolycos, charming thief
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Amazon Bard
Various bit players

Genres: X:WP - greek tragedy
Violence : Some.
Sex : Some imagined & some intimated.
Language : Almost clean
Rating : PG-13
Subtext : None.
Spoilers : Everything pre-season five.

Part I - The Lady Watches

The moon rode high in the heavens, it's full pale light glinting off the blade of the knife that was clasped in the hand of the woman hiding in the bushes. She peered from her leafy refuge at the dim shapes asleep by the dying embers of a campfire. One by one, she carefully observed them, watching for any sign that they were awake.

The woman had learned that sometimes they were only pretending to be asleep, almost as if they knew she was there. They had never caught her though. Never. She almost laughed at that. She wished she could share the joke with the whole world. It would make people laugh that the great Warrior Princess Xena could be fooled by little old her, Minerva. Fat, stupid, ugly Minerva. The girl that everybody laughed at and nobody wanted. She shook her head, clearing away the picture of a humilated Xena and of course her stupid companion, Gabrielle. She had to bite her tongue and not spit at the thought of that little wench. If she spit, moved or even breathed above a whisper, they would hear her and all would be lost.

Discovery was not an option. The only part about it was that if she was discovered, she would get to see her beloved's face. Maybe have him even smile at her, at least until that Gabrielle got in his face. Minerva conjured up an image of Gabrielle burning at the stake with flaming arrows coming from her eyes. A mental sigh banished this much used image. She knew that if SHE was in any kind of danger, that HE would save her or die trying. That was not what she wanted.

All Minerva had ever wanted was for Joxer the Mighty, gentle son of a warlord and her hero, to marry her and raise a whole bunch of kids. At least that's what she had wanted ever since a few months ago when Joxer fell into her life. Literally fell and saved her.

She quietly settled herself into a more comfortable watching position as her thoughts raced back to that fateful day when her heart, soul and mind were captured by the sweetest face and most gentle eyes ever made by the gods on a mortal creature.

Part II - She's Leaving Home

Minerva was serving as a handmaiden to the Princess of Cypress, a job she did not want nor enjoy. Her father had made her go and be usefull, as he called it. She knew he just wanted to get rid of a daughter he couldn't marry off. Her 2 older and 2 younger sisters were all married to very important men, but nobody had ever asked for Minerva's hand, or any other part of her, in marriage. Her mother said not to worry about it and that the gods had destined her for some wonderful hero. Her sister's just called her names. And her father, well, he just patted her on the head and looked worried. At least he did until he couldn't stand it anymore and he had packed her off to the Palace in Cypress with a letter and a small bag of coins.

He had instructed her to go to see the Queen and give her the letter she carried. Her mother had said that it was a proper thing for an unmarried girl to sometimes take a position as a handmaiden. When she said this, her mother hadn't been able to meet her eyes and Minerva knew there was more to it than just finding a place for their awkward daughter. She knew she was being sent away so as not be a shame to her family anymore.

And so, the next morning, Minerva had been waved off by her father while her mother stayed inside, presumably too grief stricken to watch her last child leave. Minerva knew better. Her mother was too guilt ridden to face her. She stood in the misty rain listening to her father's final instructions.

"Now, you just follow this path and you'll get to Cypress real quick. Don't make any side trips and don't dawdle. You're expected by sundown and good solid girl that you are, you should make it in plenty of time", her father said gruffly, his cold eyes scanning her face, "You be good, show them this letter and they'll take care of you."

Minerva stood patiently and woefully before him, accepting his words and wondering why no horse was provided her nor escort neither. A small voice deep in her heart told her that despite the richness in horses that her father possessed, no sturdy mare would be entrusted to a perfectly sturdy daughter that wasn't expected to come back, much less bring the horse back. And that thought prodded a smaller, nastier voice that told her that was also the reason for no escort. She was not expected back and so if she never made it at all, the world would suffer no great loss. Except it was a loss to her, for despite her complete lack of loving, caring family, she kept a secret hope that someday, someone would see that she was worth something.

Her father looked at her a moment longer and then pushed the bag of coins into her one hand and the letter into her other. He clouted her on the shoulder and said, "You be off now. The sooner you get started, the sooner you arrive."

The nasty voice inside Minerva spoke up again, whispering "The sooner you are out of his hair...the sooner you are no longer a problem...the sooner he can stop pretending to love you.".

Her father roughly turned her around to face the gate of her home and gently pushed her towards it. She slowly walked to the gate, her shoulders slumped, her head bowed, her hair hanging in her face. As she reached the gate, her eyes welled up in tears and all she wanted was to turn around and run back to her mother's arms. She knew that would never happen. Her mother had denied her, her father forsaken her and all that was left was the rest of the world. She pushed open the gate and stepped out into the increasing rain, her tears lost in the torrent.

Part III - How Do You Spell Relief?

Minerva was shaken from her reverie by noises from the camp in the clearing. With a stealth her father would never believe she possessed she crouched low to the ground and peered through the leaves. It was nowhere near morning and unless the three companions were under attack, nothing should be stirring. With concern in her eyes, she scanned the campsite.

One of the figures was stirring, and from the size and hair it had to be Xena. The warrior princess rose from her makeshift bed under the trees and stretched quietly. Minerva couldn't help but admire her athletic form and wish that she were only built half as well as Xena. The Amazon trained woman was beautiful and wild that she was sure that no man had ever rejected in favor of her little blonde witch of a companion. But still, Minerva couldn't even measure up to Xena as she well knew. Her heart sank as the tall warrior came towards her hiding place. Trembling and trying not to breath, she gripped her knife and crouched as low to the ground as she could.

Footsteps came louder and louder towards where she hid. The sound of her own breathing was like thunder in her ears and she just knew that the beating of her heart must be heard by Xena. She clenched her eyes tightly shut as she strained to listen as the footsteps stopped directly in front of her bush.

There was a rustling sound and some soft cursing, but still she wasn't discovered. Then she heard a small trickle as of water on dry leaves and almost fell over in hysterics. Xena was taking a pee right in front of her hiding place. Minerva opened her eyes and peered out only to see Xena's fall of dark hair spilling down her back where she crouched facing the campsite. The laughter threatened to bubble up again as Minerva kept her eyes focused on the back of Xena's head as the warrior relieved herself. A stray thought bubbled up to the fore of Minerva's mind that there would be hundreds of men who would pay to see Xena taking a pee in the woods in the middle of the night. She held her breath as the laughter from this thought came bursting up from inside of her. Her body shaking she sobered quickly knowing that any sound or movement would cause instant discovery and then another image popped into her head; an angry Xena, bare assed, reaching through the foliage and kicking Minerva's butt into tomorrow. It was all she could do just to stop herself from bursting out in hysterical laughter. She put her head down and held her breath, waiting for Xena to finish.

After what seemed an eternity, Xena was done and quietly moving back to camp. Minerva allowed herself a small exhalation of breath as she watched the tall form arrange her bedclothes. As Xena settled herself, another form sat up and with a quick intake of breath, Minerva knew it was her precious one; Joxer the Mighty. She could hear his warm voice with it's dear little quaver that made him sound like a boy on the verge of manhood. He was querying Xena as to where she had been and if anything was wrong. Minerva heard Xena's grunt of negation and whisper for Joxer to go back to sleep. Joxer mumbled something low and goosebumps stood up all over her body. As he lay back down, she closed her eyes and remembered the day that they met. The memory was so clear in her heart.

Part IV - It's Raining Men

Minerva was in the library, trying to choose a book that she could make the young princess read. The princess hated to read, in fact she hated to do anything that she didn't consider fun. Fun consisted of sneaking away from the palace to do any number of unprincessly things, humiliating Minerva in front of the other handmaidens and not paying attention to her studies. All of these things were, she was sure, designed specifically to make Minerva's days a complete and utter misery. Not unlike today.

This day had started out bad and quickly went downhill from there. First the princess hadn't wanted to eat her breakfast of fruit and cereal. There had been a temper tantrum which had ended up with Minerva wearing the cereal and the fruit decorating the walls. Of course half an hour later, the princess had complained of being starving to death and accusing Minerva of being a pig and eating everything in sight. And so, after cleaning up herself and the walls of the princess's apartment, she'd had to go down to the kitchen and request another breakfast. The cook had given her a look that Minerva knew meant the cook thought the second breakfast was for her, but the food was served anyway with an admonition that it better not go to waste.

When she arrived at the princess's apartment with the new breakfast, the princess was nowhere to be found except for the rope of bedsheets that led out the window and down to the ground. With a sigh, Minerva had known that the princess had snuck off to the marketplace again. Without another thought, the breakfast forgotten, Minerva shimmied down the haphazard rope. Halfway down the several knots gave out and she had fallen 3 feet to the ground, landing on her generous behind. Biting her teeth together so that her cry of pain wouldn't be heard, she scrambled to her feet, wincing, and followed the path the princess had made to the back gate.

Upon reaching the market there had been a mad search on Minerva's part for the errant princess that left her breathless. At last the princess was found, enjoying some sugary treat and sitting on the lap of some muscle bound he-man. Minerva pried the girl out the man's arms, knowing his only intention was deflowerment. Not that girls didn't do that sort of thing, but princess's were supposed to be chaste until they married. If only the princess would choose a suitor to become engaged to and then perhaps at least that nonsense would stop. Minerva had dragged the royal virgin back to the palace while enduring the screeches and insults upon her person. In the princess's opinion, Minerva was just a jealous fat cow who would never get a man to love her. She ignored this, having heard it a dozen times before from her sisters who were much better at insults that this cloistered pouty princess.

When they finally arrived at the princess's apartment, the other handmaiden's were there sniggering and smirking. Minerva knew her day was about to get worse. One of the nicer ones told her that the Queen had requested her presence, hers and the princess. With an inward groan, she glanced at her clothes in the mirror and sighed at her disheveled clothes. The princess had stripped off her untidy togs, thrown them aside and was now being dressed by two of the other handmaidens. Quickly pushing her hair off her sweaty brow and attempting to arrange her clothing more tidily, she knew there would be no time to go back to her room and change until later. And later would have to do. The princess was ready and the girl's mother was waiting. With an imperious air and a purse of her lips the princess gestured for Minerva to precede her to their audience with her mother.

An hour later, a soundly lectured Minerva and her mother's pet charge made their way from the queen's audience chamber. Minerva tried not to let the princess see the tears on her face but the princess pinched her and called her a crybaby anyway. Then she dismissed her and told her to go to her room and make herself presentable enough to be worthy of the title handmaiden. With silent relief, Minerva almost ran to her quarters but she held this urge in check, knowing that if she did run it would only serve as more ammunition for the princess's incessant torture. Instead, she covertly wiped her face and walked sedately to her room.

It was half an hour after this that Minerva found herself in the library looking for a book of adventurous tales, that the princess would find exciting, that would be suitable to a young lady and yet wouldn't be too difficult to read. The princess had a very poor command of reading and if the words were too long she would abandoned the book altogether or throw a screaming tantrum until Minerva read the book to her, while explaining all the words, or someone was sent to see what the screaming was about. And so, while she was worrying over two books, that was when the skylight crashed in and two men landed on the carpet in the middle of the room.

Standing there, shocked and disbelieving, Minerva quickly studied the men. One was dressed in a very fashionable red tunic and leather trousers, his dark red boots reaching his knees. The other was in a warlord's armor, from his pointy funny looking helmet to his scuffed black boots. As she stood there, they scrambled to their feet and with a start, spied her wide eyed and mouth ajar. The two men stood frozen staring at her as she looked them over.

The one in red was very tall, with dark hair and dark eyes and one of those funny facial hair designs that some of the men sported. She thought he looked rather dashing, the sort that her mother had always called a rogue. He was nice looking, in a way that some women liked. Then she looked at the other one and her heart stopped beating and she stopped breathing and for the first time in her life she fainted. As her head hit the floor and she passed to unconciousness her one thought was that she had found her one true love. His face was burned into her brain as she slipped into blackness; helmet askew, tousled brown hair, long heart shaped face, noble Roman nose, a soft masculine mouth, cleft in his manly chin, cute little ears and those eyes, almond shaped and so brown and deep they were almost black. A girl could drown in those eyes and Minerva did as she passed out.

Part V - To Catch A Thief

Minerva came around and found herself on the floor, books scattered and her head pillowed in the lap of the man she was destined to love. In adoration she gazed up at him as he whispered to his companion.

"I'm telling you Autolycos, this is a bad idea," said her chosen one.

The other one, Autolycos, came into view.

"Just keep quiet Joxer. I didn't invite you along so I don't want your advice."

Autolycos looked down at her, "She's waking up. Stand aside and let me charm our way out of this."

Auto kneeled at her side and offered her his hand. She ignored him and continued to look with pure love upon the face of Joxer. She thrilled at the word; JOXER was his name. A sigh escaped her lips. He smiled at her, tentatively.

"Are you okay?" he asked her softly, a warm look in his eyes.

She smiled at him but couldn't speak. She was afraid if she spoke she would spoil this moment. He looked up at Auto.

"I don't think she's okay, Auto. She hasn't answered me," he whispered violently to his friend.

"Maybe she's mute," Auto whispered back.

Knowing she should speak, she tried to sit up. It was painful to do so, not only because her head hurt but also because she hated to leave her sweet one's knee. Wincing, she whispered to them.

"I'm not mute, I'm just surprised. Now, could you help me up, please?"

She looked deeply into Joxer's beautiful brown eyes and he smiled at her again. Her heart raced, wishing this moment would never end.

"Of course," he said and helped her to her feet, "I'm sorry we surprised you, but I guess the skylight couldn't hold the two of us."

"What were you doing up there?" she asked shyly.

Auto stepped in, taking her hand and yanking her painfully away from the comforting arm that Joxer had placed about her shoulders; a feeling she had been revelling in.

"Why nothing...but...trying to get a better view of the city," Auto whispered in her ear.

He took her hand and bowed low over it, brushing her knuckles with his lips. She pulled her hand away as he introduced himself.

"I'm Autolycos, King of...uh...King of....." he stammered as he looked helplessly over at Joxer.

Joxer looked at him blankly and then caught on. He took Minerva's other hand and introduced himself.

"And I'm Joxer, Joxer the Mighty at your service." He softly kissed the back of her fingers making her feel faint again.

He looked into her eyes again and she saw something that caused a sliver of pain to lance through her head. She wasn't sure what it was but it wasn't good, that much she could tell. Autolycos took her by the hand and was leading her to one of the many benches that were scattered throughout the library. He brushed it off for her, and with a sweep of his arm he bowed low and gestured for her to sit. If Joxer hadn't been there, she might have been charmed. Instead she was just annoyed that Autolycos even existed in this universe.

She carefully sat, all the while keeping her eyes on Joxer's face, watching his every little twitch and quiver. For some reason, she knew she had to file away all that she could observe in case of a rainy day when she would need to call his face to her mind. She knew that there would come a time when just the thought of his face would be a comfort to her lonely heart. With a start she realized that Auto was kneeling at her feet and asking her her name.

"And who might you be, oh fair maiden?" he asked, while trying to look sincere and not succeeding.

She glanced at him quickly, not caring if he was sincere or not and then returned her gaze to her beloved Joxer.

"My name is Minerva and I'm a handmaiden to the princess," she tried to say with a soft breathy voice, but instead the words tumbled out in a low monotone. She grimaced inwardly, wishing for a high lilting voice like any of her sisters.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Minerva," said Joxer, his eyes warm on her face, "but we really have to be going now. We're very sorry to have dropped in on you like this. If you could show us the way out..."

Auto leaned over and grabbed Joxer's upper arm and yanked him roughly away from Minerva's side. She felt her face go hot with anger at this rough treatment of her darling. And then, not wanting Joxer to see her look so unlovely, she turned her face away from their heated whispered exchange. It wouldn't do for him to think her uncouth, but all she really wanted to do was to knock Autolycos down and make him apologize for hurting her dear one. A vision of her daintily slippered foot on the throat of Auto calmed her down. When she looked up again, the two men were looking at her; Auto with a greasy smile on his face and Joxer wearing a worried grin.

Oh how she wished she could go to him and soothe his fears and ease any pain he might have. And she did see pain in his wonderful eyes, pain she couldn't touch and she wondered if this was what had caused her distress earlier. As her thoughts raced through fantasies of her and Joxer in a thousand different loving embraces, Auto stepped forward to speak.

"Ahem...now my dear sweet handmaiden," he began by taking both her hands, "if you would be so kind as to show us a...how shall I say this, back way out of here. Something private, so there will be no...uncomfortable conversations with palace guards."

Minerva tried to pull her hands away, but he held them too tightly and she didn't want to be rude. She felt panicked and trapped by this man, not knowing what he wanted and totally unable to see Joxer without leaning around Auto. A daydream of pushing Autolycos out of the way to get to Joxer floated behind her eyes and she smiled. Auto smiled back at her, assuming she would comply. Well, she would comply all right, by way of her bedchamber. It was a stroke of luck that her rooms faced onto the back of the palace gardens; gardens that a person could get lost in, at least without a guide. She had the perfect guide in mind and she smiled at her plan to spend more time with her sweet angel. She shook herself from her meandering thoughts.

"Nothing would please me more than to guide the both of you out of the palace. I assume that your presence here would cause great alarm. I'm sure the king would want to know the reason you were using his roof as an observation point." she smiled as sweetly as she thought she could and even fluttered her eyelashes a little, like she had seen the princess do at the men who courted her. She only hoped it didn't look as ridiculous as it felt. She wanted to convince these two to trust her. As soon as they trusted her to take care of them, then she would reveal that they needed her and only her to get themselves out of their predicament. She still wasn't convinced of their motives, at least the motives of Auto anyway, at being on the roof of the palace and her rapidly increasing feelings for Joxer made her feel protective. If Auto had been doing something wrong, and she was sure he had, then Joxer had obviously been trying to stop him from doing it. So, to protect her honey drop, she had to protect the other one. So be it.

Minerva held out her hands to both men, the book for the princess and all else besides forgotten, and quickly and quietly snuck them out of the library and off the palace grounds.

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