Xenfeld: The Macedonian Cafe
(Based on Seinfeld: The Chinese Restaurant)

by Filippa Morgan Flasheart

Copyright 1998

COMEDIC PERSONAE:
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia
Joxer, the Mighty
Dolius, host of the Macedonian Cafe

(The scene is a torchlit cafe in Corinth, alfresco. Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer enter and wait to be seated.)

Gabrielle: Xena, think about it. What do philosophers actually do?

Joxer: I don't know, they just sit around and think. I don't really care about philosophers. What we need are more warriors. (Stands up proudly and removes helmet.)

Xena: Maybe what we need are warrior-philosophers. Those that can fight in the event of a sudden war.

Gabrielle: That makes sense. Like Lord Sinteres, only good.

Xena: Exactly.

Gabrielle: Where's the host? I'm so hungry.

Joxer: Right here.

(Dolius, a pot-bellied little Macedonian, greets the trio.)

Gabrielle: Do you have a table ready?

Dolius: How many people?

Gabrielle (to Xena): How many, Xena?

Xena (to Joxer): Is your brother coming or not?

Joxer: He might. I'm surprised he wants to go to dinner with us. He said he'd be here.

Xena: I thought you were on OK terms with him.

Joxer: Well, you know, Jett being Jett...(shakes head) Anyway...

Xena: Whatever.

(Joxer waves one hand.)

Gabrielle: Well?

Xena: Xena, four.

(Dolius looks at guest scroll)

Dolius: Four. Give us just a little time.

Joxer: So now what do we do?

Gabrielle: Let's go get some pitas outside. I'm starving.

Xena: Why don't we just stay here. We need to hurry if we want to see that play.

Joxer: Let me send a messenger down to our place. I have to make sure Jett is coming. (He leaves.)

Xena: I never understood how Jett and Joxer could be related.

(At the dispatch stand, a tall, well-dressed warrior is bantering with the messenger. Joxer taps hi on the shoulder.)

Joxer: I need to send a message. Do you mind? (The warrior ignores him.)

Dolius: Baucis and Philemon, table for two. (Baucis and Philemon enter the cafe.)

Xena: Gabrielle, could I ask you something? Was it all right to lie to the king, saying I couldn't be there to help with security? I wanted to spend a quiet evening with you.

(Joxer stomps back, annoyed, still looking at the man at the messenger table.)

Joxer: It's a messenger service, right? Yeesh.

Gabrielle: Xena, why don't we ask to see a scroll with the specialties of the house? That way we can order right when we sit down.

Xena: I hate that. It ruins the meal.

Joxer: (to himself) He's still talking. He knows I'm waiting.

Gabrielle: Xena, everything has to be just so with you. That gets annoying.

Xena: I offered you that last piece of nutbread before I gave it to Argo, remember?

Gabrielle: Remember my last encounter with nutbread?

Joxer: (still to himself) What is with this guy?

(Xena notices a handsome man sitting by himself.)

Gabrielle: What's wrong?

Xena: I've seen him somewhere before. Only I can't remember his name.

(Three ladies enter the cafe and bump into Gabrielle.)

Lady: Pardon me.

Gabrielle: No problem.

(The three women are taken inside.)

Gabrielle: Look at that, Xena! They're getting a table!

Xena: They probably came in earlier.

Gabrielle: They weren't here earlier.

Joxer: (to warrior) I really have to send this message. I may get a broken nose if I don't. (The warrior glances at Joxer, then continues his chat with the messenger.)

Gabrielle: Ask the host what's going on.

(Xena and Gabrielle walk up to Dolius.)

Xena: Pardon my asking, but were those women here before? I thought we got here first.

Dolius: Name, please?

Xena: Xena, four.

(Doilus looks at the scroll for a moment, then looks up.)

Dolius: They were here earlier. Gideon, party of four? (Gideon, wife and daughters enter.)

Gabrielle: Isn't that annoying how happy they are? It's just nauseating. They feel so special for some reason.

Xena: You should've eaten that nutbread.

(Joxer is still fixated on the messenger.)

Joxer: Hey, you with the hat!

(Warrior turns and resumes chatting.)

Joxer: (to Xena) Xena, if I have a warrior haze, can I count on you?

Xena: A warrior haze?

Joxer: If I decide to crack this guy's skull.

Xena: (distractedly) You do that, Joxer.

Joxer: I have to get a message to my brother! Look at that guy. He thinks he's better than me with that polished armor, that horsehair crest...(gets a dreamy look) I hate guys like him.

Gabrielle: Xena, I'm going to pass out.

Xena: Joxer, do you know that man over there?

Joxer: No, can't say I do.

Xena: I know him from somewhere.

Gabrielle: Why aren't people given tables according to appetite? It's not fair. I feel like grabbing a falafel from someone's plate, honestly.

Xena: (smugly) Twenty dinars if you do.

Gabrielle: Huh?

Xena: You go over there, take a falafel, keep quiet, then say thank you. I'll give you twenty dinars.

Joxer: What's going on?

Xena: It'll probably make them laugh if anything.

(Gabrielle ponders the matter)

Gabrielle: Twenty dinars?

Xena: Twenty dinars, that group over there.

Gabrielle: It's a trick, right? Falafels I hate, smothered in horseradish, right?

Xena: No tricks.

Gabrielle: Joxer, what do you think? Would you do it?

Joxer: I'd steal their leg of lamb and dance with it for twenty dinars.

Gabrielle: OK, here goes.

(She approaches the table and smiles broadly.)

Gabrielle: They offered to give me twenty dinars if I stole one of your falafels and ate it. I'll give you ten dinars if you say yes.

Group: What? A falafel? What's she talking about?

(Gabrielle freezes up and leaves. Xena and Joxer are chuckling behind her.)

Xena: Did you get it?

Gabrielle: What was that? What did I do?

Joxer: What did you say?

Gabrielle: I offered them ten dinars (laughs hysterically.)

(The warrior has left the messenger stand.)

Xena: Joxer, go ahead and grab that messenger while he's free.

Joxer: Thank the gods.

(A woman in a toga beats Joxer to the stand. He looks annoyed.)

Joxer: Pardon me, miss, I've been waiting. I have an urgent message.

Woman: I didn't see you. Get lost.

Joxer: I was right over there, with those two women.

Woman: It will only take a minute.

Joxer: C'mon, I was here first! Please? (Gives her a grin)

Woman: You weren't here first. (Turns to messenger)

Joxer: Aw, man! Jett's gonna kill me! (Returns to Xena and Gabrielle, and runs into first warrior)

Warrior: Sorry I was so long.

Joxer: No problem.

(Warrior exits.)

Gabrielle: Xena, have you ever gone without food for days? I mean, how did you do it without going insane?

Xena: I told the king I got sick tonight. Do you think he believed me?

Joxer: Probably. When Xena's sick, she's sick.

Xena: Did you send the message?

Joxer: No. I couldn't.

Xena: Why not?

Joxer: That lady beat me to it. So now I'm still waiting.

Gabrielle: Xena, you said this was a great place. Remind me never to come here again.

Xena: Son of a Bacchae, who is that man?

Gabrielle: I remember when my parents took me to Athens for the first time, and we had mutton in olive leaves. It was so special. Now I would just die for a fig or something.

Joxer: Oh, she's done. (Moves to stand once more)

Gabrielle: Xena, talk to the host again. Put the pinch on him. Do something.

Xena: What can I say?

Gabrielle: Tell him we're in a hurry, that we're going to the play.

(A tall, older man approaches)

Dolius: Ah, Lord Amacus, a pleasure to see you.

Amacus: Dolius, you've outdone yourself. (Dolius chuckles)

Dolius: A table for you tonight?

Amacus: Yes, thank you.

(Dolius takes the lord inside. Xena and Gabrielle walk up to him.)

Xena: We were ahead of him. I know that for a fact.

Dolius: He's a special case.

Xena: A special case? I'll give you a special case if you don't tell me what that means.

Dolius: He's a noble at court. If you'll excuse me, please. (Exits.)

Gabrielle: Xena, I'm going to die!

(Joxer returns, looking crestfallen)

Joxer: He already left. At least that's what my mother said.

Xena: So where is he now?

Joxer: I have no idea. He knows where to look for me. If he thinks I ditched him, he's going to be really mad.

Gabrielle: Xena, look, that man is coming towards us.

Xena: I know I've seen him before...

(The man, Brosius, stops to greet Xena.)

Brosius: Xena! It's been a while.

Xena: Pleasure to see you again. (Shakes his hand)

Brosius: What are you doing in Corinth?

Xena: I just wanted to take my friends to the play. It's the last performance this year.

Brosius: No battles recently, I take it?

Xena: Well, here and there, I suppose.

Brosius: You should visit if you have a chance.

Xena: I will. Count on it. (Gabrielle butts in)

Gabrielle: I'm Gabrielle.

Brosius: Brosius.

Xena: Where are my manners? Brosius, this is my friend Gabrielle.

Brosius: Xena, nice seeing you again. Nice to meet you too, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Same to you.

(Brosius exits, and Xena slaps her forehead)

Xena: That's the king's personal scribe! He'll know I lied now.

Gabrielle: The king...oh no. Joxer and I could have just gone to the play ourselves.

Xena: No, I wanted to see the play with you. We have to go pretty soon. It's going to start before we know it.

Gabrielle: Xena, just give him a few dinars. Seriously.

Xena: It's a Macedonian place. Are you sure?

Gabrielle: Just go up to him and slip him five dinars. It works every time.

Joxer: Five dinars? Are you sure?

Gabrielle: What do you suggest? A fish?

Joxer: But we could get food in the agora for five dinars.

Xena: Why don't we all just chip in.

Joxer: All right, two, two and one. I'm not really that hungry.

Xena: Who's going to do it?

Joxer: Not me. I once tried to bribe a guy to go to the chariot races when I was little, and I almost got caught. I'd probably freeze up anyway.

Gabrielle: Xena? You're good at things like this.

Xena: You've got the gift of gab, remember? Not me.

Gabrielle: Give me the money.

(She takes the dinars and approaches Dolius, coughing nervously)

Gabrielle: How are you tonight?

Dolius: Quite busy. Always busy.

Gabrielle: We really would like to eat soon.

Dolius: Perhaps you should try the specials.

Gabrielle: (flashing dinars) We'd really like it if you could get us a table, please.

Dolius: Name?

Gabrielle: (annoyed) Xena, for four.

Dolius: The fish platters are great tonight.

Gabrielle: Take the money! I could eat a whole sheep!

(Dolius takes her money)

Dolius: Agades, for four.

Gabrielle: That is MY table!

(Dolius escorts the family, leaving a stunned Gabrielle.)

Gabrielle: He took the dinars, but no table! What's wrong with that?

Xena: You gave him the five dinars?

Gabrielle: It's not fair!

Joxer: Well, maybe, er, you weren't forceful enough.

Gabrielle: Forceful enough? Were you expecting a nerve pinch?

Xena: I'll get it back. Don't worry. (She approaches.)

Xena: You'll have to excuse me, but my friend made a mistake.

Dolius: Name, please?

Xena: Xena.

Dolius: Yes, Xena, four.

Xena: No, you see that young woman, blonde, with the staff?

Dolius: Yes. Is she your sister?

Xena: No. But that's not the point. How much longer will it be?

Dolius: Not long.

(Xena goes back to Gabrielle and Joxer)

Joxer: Well?

Xena: It seems the staff here isn't that hot after all.

Gabrielle: So when do we get to eat?

Joxer: I told you we should've eaten on the way to the play.

Xena: There's no way we can eat here and see the beginning of the play.

Gabrielle: I am so hungry!

Xena: Why don't we just do what Joxer suggested?

Gabrielle: You know I hate eating and walking at the same time. Let's just eat at the play.

Xena: The food there is so expensive.

Dolius: Halion, four.

Gabrielle: I can't eat candied plums and scones for dinner. I'll be sick.

Dolius: Halion.

Xena: They have kebabs too.

Gabrielle: Right. You know how greasy those are.

Joxer: I can't leave. I have to wait until Jett gets here. Let me go and check. (To messenger) Have you received a message for Joxer?

Messenger: Yeah, a guy just came in looking for Joxer. I called, but he didn't answer. The guy looked pretty upset, and he looked exactly like you.

(Joxer, dejected, rejoins his friends)

Joxer: Jett was here. He's gonna kill me.

Xena: What?

Joxer: Why don't you two go to the play. I need to take a cold swim before my brother gets homicidal urges.

Gabrielle: I'm going outside to get a pita. I'm starving.

Xena: So you're not going either?

Gabrielle: Xena, enjoy it by yourself for a change. I'm really starving.

Xena: You can't go to a play by yourself. It's no fun. Besides, I was looking forward to an evening with you and Joxer.

Joxer: Should we tell the guy we're leaving?

Gabrielle: Let's just go. Out, out. (They leave.)

Dolius: Xena, four!

The End

Disclaimer:
No wisecracking Macedonians were harmed during the writing of this story.

Episode References:
The Royal Couple of Thieves, Altared States, King of Assassins

Please take the time to write to Filippa at flasheart@hotmail.com and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Jett, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Filippa Morgan and is her sole property along with the story idea. The character of Dolius is her own creation. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.