From Bad to Verse, part 1
Skip to: part two
Copyright 1998
COMEDIC PERSONAE:
Joxer, the Mighty
Xena, Warrior Princess
Gabrielle, Bard of Poteidaia
Aphrodite, Goddess of Love
Araminta, acolyte of Aphrodite
Dorcas, Joxer's mother
Gabby Two, Gabrielle's magically duplicated self
Argo, Xena's horse
Summary: A kind of continuation to The Quill is Mightier.
Joxer finds Gabrielle's scroll and discovers a way to make it work for himself,
but again, nothing goes as he planned...
Rating: PG-13 for some risqu* moments
"What exactly do you want me to do with this thing? I don't think any pit would be deep enough." The blonde bard made the last mark with her quill on the piece of parchment. The piece of parchment that had nearly turned her life into a living Tartarus.
Xena gave her companion a wry look, as if to argue the point. "Same thing we did with the ambrosia. A pit of live coals should do the trick."
Gabrielle nodded and rolled the scroll as tightly as possible. "Yeah, I guess so. It sure has been a long day, and I just want to rest."
The Warrior Princess put a gentle hand on her best friend's shoulder. "Come on, me too. I think there's a hot spring near that fishing hole where you sent me. Besides, I've just got to get this smell off my hands." She indicated the field of battle, where Thelonius' men lay still unconscious amidst a field strewn with various kinds of fish.
"Yeah, I know all about that fishy stuff." Both women shared a chuckle.
"Where's Joxer, by the way? He was here a minute ago." There was no sign of their lanky, oddly dressed companion. Gabrielle shrugged and picked up her staff.
"He should be around here somewhere. Maybe we'll run into him." She started walking down the road, the ruts deep from the wheels of Xena's cart.
"That is, if we don't hear him singing first..."
"Righting wrongs and singing songs..." The surprisingly deep, rich voice echoed from the rocks as Joxer the Mighty gratefully soaked in the waters of the hot spring. After a wake-up call from crazed barbarians, a drunken tavern brawl, a wild chase through the local caves, two close encounters with triplicate naked Gabrielles, and a fight using seafood as weapons, the young man was thoroughly exhausted.
Ah, those Gabrielles. Joxer's lips curled into a goofy half-smile as he recalled the three dancing beauties. If only the real thing were so eager, he thought bitterly. She hadn't even liked the necklace, the one for which he had traded his prized possession. Oh, well. Gabrielle still had the necklace, and a few choice words from Xena had gotten Joxer's scabbard back. All's well that ends, well...
Lousy! Joxer smacked himself. He hadn't gotten anything out of this whole magical scroll business. Any time a spell of Aphrodite's was involved, he was automatically assured of a broken heart and a saddened soul. Some goddess of love, Joxer thought. All I ever get from her is just the opposite.
"If only I had that scroll again. But Gabby finished it, and, oh, what am I saying?" He spoke aloud, waving his hands comically in exasperation. "It was a curse. I guess I shouldn't worry about it." He returned to running the rag up and down his pale, muscular torso.
Splash!
A small cylinder landed in the water, spraying him all over. He frowned and fished the unknown object out, scratching his head.
It was a scroll. And not just any scroll... Gabrielle's enchanted scroll.
By the gods! Joxer thought suddenly. They must have wanted to get rid of it, but they didn't realize I was taking my bath down here.
He held the precious parchment to his wet chest. If he got rid of it, he was probably doing the known world a great favor. But if he kept it...
Joxer grabbed the scroll and tried to wring it out as best he could. Satisfied that it was somewhat dry, he unfurled and began to read. Gabrielle's neat runes covered the majority of the page, and his larger, more crude scipt was inserted where he had composed the infamous limerick. The writing near the end, chronicling Xena's fight with, and defeat of, Thelonius' army, was small and close together. And there, at the very end, was the tiniest smidgen of space where Gabrielle had ceased to write.
Wow, I could have anything I wanted! Joxer's mind whirled with ecstasy as he realized the power of the scroll. No, wait...
The gods' powers had been restored after the truth had been written down. The curse had ended with that. No more crazed barbarians, dinars falling from the sky, or smelly dethroned goddesses. Everything was back to normal.
But Joxer just hated everything being normal. His life was miserable enough as it was. Hey, it was worth a shot at least.
He stood up from his steaming bath, glimpsing around to see if anyone were spying. No, he was safe. He crept out carefully onto the bank and hastily slipped into his undershorts, the bright red ones his mother had given him last Solstice. The scroll lay before him, and he picked up a slightly burnt twig from the ground.
What to write? Joxer wondered. And I'd better make it good. There's no second chance this time, if it is still enchanted.
Gabrielle fell head over heels in love with Joxer. No, she'd probably wind up with a broken neck.
Gabrielle gave Joxer her heart. Nah, she'd be dead.
The lovely Gabrielle adored Joxer with all her soul. She'd probably start worshipping me as a god, not a lover.
Simplicity, he thought, pounding his fist for emphasis. Just make this nice and simple, so nobody gets hurt, or killed, or depowered.
Gabrielle loves Joxer.
Hey, that's simple if I ever heard it. It's gotta work.
The would-be warrior took a deep breath, and with a flourish, licked the end of the twig and wrote the sentence on the last empty space on the scroll.
Nothing happened.
Well, I guess I'll have to wait until the real Gabby comes back. She and Xena are probably somewhere around here. Joxer started down the forest path, then, blushing brightly, realized he was still half-naked. He sat down on the rocks where he had left his odd armor and quickly dressed himself. He pulled on his left boot, laced it tightly, and sheathed his sword in the beautiful scabbard.
"Yoo-hoo!"
Joxer jumped three feet in the air at the sound of the beautiful, and familiar, female voice. He managed to draw his sword even as his silly helmet fell down over his eyes. He pushed it back and gasped.
Gabrielle stood before him, wearing nothing but her radiant smile. Joxer's mouth moved in and out like a nervous goldfish as he beheld the woman of his dreams in all her glory.
"I... I... er.... I mean, um, Gabby, please put some clothes on! You're making me, um, nervous." His tone of voice couldn't disguise the fact that he was rapidly getting aroused. He attempted to cover his bright red face with one hand.
"Gabby? Is that my name? I kind of like that." The naked strawberry blonde seemed confused.
"Of course it's your name..." He trailed off nervously as he realized the truth. This wasn't Gabrielle; it was just another copy of her. Like her three dancing lookalikes, this one wasn't real.
"I don't know who you are, but I know I love you." The copied Gabrielle sidled over and lovingly wrapped Joxer's pale arms around her lithe body.
"Um... um... this really, er, isn't, ah, the best time for this..." Joxer swallowed hard.
"Joxer! Where are you?" It was Xena's voice, and she wasn't far away.
"Hide! Quick!" He whispered frantically to "Gabby," trying to push her away. She clung to him like a mussel to a rock. "I mean it! Please!"
"But why?" she protested, pouting slightly.
"Just do it! And don't say anything!" Joxer ushered her behind the rocks, trying not to ogle her bare form. It wasn't working.
"Joxer! There you are. Why did you run off like that?" It was the real Gabrielle, and irritation seeped through her normally pleasant voice.
"Oh, um, hi, Gabby. I was just, um, relaxing after all that fighting." He straightened his helmet and tried to look confident, which was never easy in the presence of the beautiful bard.
She tapped her foot and sighed. "Well, next time, let us know. We spent the better part of the last hour looking for you, and it's getting dark. Come on, Xena's waiting."
"Oh, um, okay." He started to follow her, then, with horror, realized he was still carrying the scroll. In his haste to hide it in the scabbard, he tripped and fell flat on his face.
"Now what is it? Joxer, you've got to..." The bard turned around and saw her friend, sprawled on the ground and holding the scroll out to her as if it were an offering.
"Oh, um, this fell into my bath. I was gonna give it back." Grinning sheepishly, he handed it to its rightful owner.
Gabrielle scowled and snatched the cursed parchment from his outstretched hand. "By the gods, Joxer, this thing is a pain. Now come on. Xena will find a way to deal with it."
The duo walked down the path together, and Joxer nervously looked back for a sign of his magically summoned lady love. If she were still there, she hadn't made a sound. Oh, well, maybe he could go back to get her.
"Oh, I should have known. This thing is like, well, like my chakram. No matter how hard you throw it, it always comes back." Sarcasm dripped from Xena's words as they sat by the campfire. Argo grazed happily between two trees behind the small campsite.
"Just get rid of it. Please." Gabrielle seemed desperate.
"All right, then. See you later, and good riddance." The rolled parchment burned immediately as the warrior tossed it into the fire.
"No! Pull it out! Pull it out!" Joxer came dashing through the foliage, remarkably not tripping on anything. Like a man possessed, he reached into the flames and grabbed the burning scroll, searing his own hands in the process.
"Yow! Ow, get it off!" What was left of the parchment fell to the ground and was quickly turned into worthless ash.
"Joxer, what's the matter with you?" Gabrielle shook his tall, lanky frame as if she were a mother admonishing her child. "If you wanted it for sentimental value, you could have said something."
"You don't understand," he whined, rubbing his blistered hands together. "Um, Gabby, there's somthing I have to tell you."
"What in the name of the gods is going on?" It was Xena who spoke, and she was completely confused.
"I'm sorry. I just saw your fire, and well, I am kind of cold."
Joxer's heart sank rapidly, and he covered his eyes once again. The Gabrielle duplicate, still completely nude, stood before them, her long blonde hair shining in the firelight.
For a moment, no one spoke. Then, with carefully restrained anger, the real Gabrielle spoke slowly.
"I don't know what you did, Joxer, but whatever it was, I am VERY UPSET!" She bellowed the last two words and grabbed his nose before he could react.
"Owowowowow! Let me go! I can explain!" Joxer winced under his beloved's surprisingly strong grip.
"Give her some clothes. I have an extra tunic in my bag," muttered the bard, completely chagrined after seeing yet another naked copy of herself with Joxer present. With a pull for emphasis, she released her hold on his nose.
The visitor slipped into her makeshift tunic and began to warm her hands and feet by the fire. "I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just that my sweetie here left me to wait, and then never came back to get me."
"Sweetie?" Xena, surprised, clapped a hand over her mouth after using that word again. "Joxer, where did you find this, this," she seemed at a loss for words, "interesting person?"
"Uh, let me explain," Joxer interrupted, still rubbing his sore nose. "See, I found that scroll, and, um, well, I was just writing down a little fantasy of mine. See, I didn't think it was still enchanted, after Ares and Aphrodite got their powers back." His brown eyes kept wandering to the lovely Gabrielle lookalike, and she in turn gave him a playful wink.
The real Gabrielle pondered for a moment, then spoke with deliberate slowness. Sometimes Joxer didn't get it the first time. "So, let me get this straight. You found the scroll when Xena and I thought we were getting rid of it. You thought that the spell was broken, and wrote another little poem on that last blank spot. And then she appeared? I don't get it."
"Um, I really don't either," said Joxer, shaking his head. "Of course, nobody said for sure that the spell was broken. Remember, Aphrodite said that the spell lasted until you finished the scroll." Sadly he gazed at the still-smoldering ashes on the ground.
"Well, it's gone now." He sensed the rising anger, and sheer irritation, in the normally calm, amiable Gabrielle. "So I guess we just have to deal with your little friend here."
"We might not have to." Xena stood up and joined her two friends. "Aphrodite owes me for helping her get her powers back, and it was her spell in the first place. All we need to do is break something in one of her temples and she'll waste no time in getting there." The warrior rubbed her hands together in thought.
"Oh, man, can't she stick around for a little while?" The only answer Joxer received was the angry looks both Xena and Gabrielle shot him. "Okay, okay, maybe not." Blushing, he studied the ground.
"Well, we can't just send her to the caves. She's here for good," quipped Gabrielle sarcastically.
"Get some sleep. The closest temple of Aphrodite is in Corinth, and we should be able to get there by tomorrow afternoon if we get an early start," ordered Xena, suddenly uninterested. "Good night. Joxer, you can keep first watch."
"Gee, thanks," he murmured as Gabrielle and Xena curled up in their blankets next to the dying fire. Still confused, his Gabby clone looked at him dubiously.
"That's strange. They don't seem to like me very much."
Joxer managed to smile at the beautiful woman who was Gabrielle in all ways physically, but yet not her. "Yeah, it's okay. I like you a lot. Mind if I call you Gabby Two? It's easier, since, well," he indicated the already snoozing mass that was Gabrielle, "her name's Gabrielle."
"I like that. But remember," she said lovingly, "you can call me whatever you want." Gently she curled her lithe body on his lap and put her fair head on his shoulder. He felt the soft touch of her silken lips on one cheek. "Night, sweetie."
She was asleep before Joxer could utter a word. He merely sighed and wrapped his right arm tightly around Gabby's waist. "It's going to be a long night."