Joxer and the Eunuchorn
(Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Gabrielle)

by Filippa Morgan Flasheart

Copyright 1998

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Joxer, the Mighty
Magdalus, a Unicorn
Many people in Joxer's memoirs

Rating: PG for some naughty reminiscing on part of Joxer.
Summary: Joxer rescues a (formerly) male Unicorn from hunters and reminisces about his love for Gabrielle and how it evolved.

The early morning sunlight barely penetrated the thick canopy of the forest. Heavy vines hung everywhere like black wedding veils and overgrown, dead trees towered like gaunt giants' skeletons. Hardly any birdsong could be heard through the early morning mist, but the silence was broken by the shuffling, awkward, unsyncopated steps of a solitary figure.

"By the gods," he growled to himself as his right toe met a root underfoot for what seemed like the thousandth time. His lanky body pitched forward, and he almost met the dirt for the third time that day. Angrily, he swatted at a low branch with his sword and pushed his conical helmet back to its proper position. Coordination, and patience, had never really been Joxer the Mighty's strong suits.

Even though no one was around to hear, Joxer began to whistle cheerfully as he shambled down the barely visible path. Joxer the Mighty, roams through the countryside, he thought as the familiar tune came out. He had parted company with Xena and his beloved Gabrielle three days ago, as always under a mask of bravado and self-confidence. Even though he knew, deep inside, that he was no great warrior, he still tried to do good as Xena herself had taught him. That had to count for something.

"Righting wrongs and singing songs, being mighty all day long," he sang aloud the last refrain. Enthusiastically he drew his sword and chopped at another tree limb. The battered weapon hardly scratched the rough bark. Joxer scowled and replaced in in his prized scabbard.

To think I sold this to get Gabrielle a present, he recalled with chagrin. And what did she do? Gave me a nose lock. Absently he wondered if the bard still possessed the turquoise beaded necklace that had been his gift.

"Furies' blood! Why can't I get out of this?" The voice startled Joxer from his daydream. Gruff and annoyed, whoever had spoken was not happy. Immediately after the mystery speaker he heard the shrill whinny of a horse in pain. He didn't know much about horses, but he knew that sound meant trouble. Gingerly he drew his sword and held it before him.

"Whoever you are, come out. I won't let you hurt that horse!" The young man tried to make his voice as menacing as possible and it came out as a high-pitched whimper. "You're dealing with Joxer the Mighty." The last line was somewhat more threatening, he thought.

"Jerkster the...Who? And what horse are you talking about?" The strange voice came again, and Joxer realized its source was not far away. Timidly he pushed aside some brush and made his way clumsily through the gorse.

"Who are you? And where in Tartarus are you?" he called, hoping fervently that the speaker was not dangerous.

"Over here, mighty wotsit."

Joxer turned to see a graceful, dappled gray horse with left front hoof in a cleverly disguised trap. Its owner was nowhere in sight, and it wore no saddle or bridle. The hapless horse whinnied again, and Joxer covered his ears in spite of himself.

"Where are you? You're in a lot of trouble....oomph!" he gasped as he tripped on another hidden root.

"No need to shout, oaf! I can hear you perfectly well." It was the gray horse that spoke, his voice now a calm, somewhat aloof tenor. "Now get me out of this before they come back."

"Before who comes back?" The would-be warrior tried to keep the amazement from his voice. A talking horse?

"The hunters. My kind are a prized commodity, you know. Horns, hooves, mane, you name it, they want it. Just get me out of this!" The handsome horse's tone gradually became more impatient and his tail swished madly.

Joxer picked himself up from the forest floor and moved to help the stricken horse. He removed his tiny dagger from his left boot...Gabrielle didn't know he still had it...and carefully dug the hoof from its hole. His jaw dropped when he saw it was solid gold. That must mean...

"You're a..." Joxer was breathless.

"Unicorn? Yes. That's what I was trying to tell you. At least I was a unicorn. They captured me once and I barely escaped. Now, I'm a eunuchorn, if you'll pardon the pun." The beautiful animal lowered his head and freed his horn from some vines overhead. "I'm sorry I was so rude, by the way. My name is Magdalus, son of Sarcon. I owe you my life, and for that I shall grant you a wish."

Joxer's jaw hung agape. Gabrielle, for as long as he had known her, told him unicorns existed, but his skeptical mind had never believed her. Even she, deep inside, had a hard time believing in the mythical beasts. "But I thought only virgins could even talk to unicorns," he protested.

Magdalus snorted and lowered his head in amusement. "Well, perhaps it's because I'm not an official unicorn anymore." His wise blue eyes looked the tall figure in tattered armor up and down. "Believe me, I know your sword has been out of its scabbard a few times, if you know what I mean."

Joxer blushed despite himself. He couldn't speak. Finally, he mustered, "So what about this wish business? Can it be anything?"

"Anything within my power." The dappled gray began to graze at the sparse grass as if bored.

The young man didn't hesitate this time. "Well, see, there's this girl, and..."

"Stop right there, my man. I know what you're after, and unfortunately we unicorns can't control that realm. That's Aphrodite's kingdom, and I'm willing to bet some ambrosia that you've run in with her a few times. As for ambrosia, I can get you that if you want. My father Sarcon is an Immortal unicorn. Not many of those, you know," Magdalus bragged.

Joxer's brown eyes beaded with tears. "All right, so you can't make her love me. But maybe you could at least help me..."

"Where do I start? I guess when I left my family in Corinth. My mom was all crying and hugging me, as always. I was still her little boy. She made me promise to come back and visit, and I just kind of nodded. My brother Jett was laughing at me, and the armor I had made. He said it made me look like a walking pot merchant. I just didn't listen. To me, it was the armor of a mighty warrior, which is what I wanted to be. My father wasn't there, of course, he was probably passed out drunk in some tavern somewhere. Still, his scabbard, along with my sword, hung at my side. I remember when he gave it to me the night I announced I was going to leave.

"'Joxer, you may be a weakling, but I guess I'm supposed to do this. You know I'm embarrassed to call you my son, but here.' I was surprised to see him unbuckle his scabbard and push it across the table to me. It had been in our family for three generations, and I honestly expected Jett to get it. He got everything else. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything.

"Anyway, I left that morning, with my weapons at the ready. It was the farthest I'd ever been from home, and I guess I had wanted to leave all along. I sang the song I had made up about myself." He gazed at Magdalus as if he were about to recite the lyrics, but continued instead with a sheepish look. "Then, later that day, I started to hear some people talking about an army led by a woman, Xena. They were saying that she burned every village in her path. Hey, I wasn't about to believe that, especially an army led by a woman. I just laughed it off until I saw what they were talking about." Joxer's jaw tightened ever so slightly. "I arrived at the ruins of a village, and parts of it were still burning. There was nothing living in that village, and then I knew that Xena, whoever she was, was for real. I knew then that I had to fight in her army.

"The next day, I tagged along with a bunch of people from that village. They were a pretty pathetic lot compared to a warrior like me, if you know what I mean. Then, I met her. Xena. I knew it was her from the moment I saw her. 'Xena,' I greeted her. 'Joxer the Mighty, at your service.' I hoped I sounded convincing enough, but I guess I didn't, since she told me to get lost. But I didn't give up, and I tried to tell her she couldn't pass up such a great warrior as a traveling companion. Even her friend, Gabrielle," he paused here, trying not to blush, "didn't like me. I thought of her as an irritating little girl then. Isn't that the funniest thing?" Joxer laughed nervously, trying with all his heart to hide his feelings from the unicorn.

"I take it this is the young lady of your affections." Magdalus picked up on Joxer's obvious embarrassment.

"Yeah, that's her. I really love her, and I think I liked her even from the start. I just wasn't going to let an irritating little blonde get the better of me. But," he sighed regretfully, "she did. Twice." He rubbed his nose without realizing it. "I found out that the woman raiding those villages wasn't Xena. It was Callisto, who is pretty crazy. I offered to fight for her, and I could tell she didn't think very much of me either. Still, she gave me a chance to join her army by capturing Gabrielle. So I thought to myself, Joxer, you can take her. She's just a little girl. But wow, she knows how to use that staff of hers! Bam, bam, bam!" He comically mimiced Gabrielle's movements. "She got the better of me, and all my weapons. Broke my crossbow, too. And oh, those nose pulls! I hate it when she does that."

"Nose pulls?" The unicorn seemed intrigued.

"Yeah, nose pulls. When she grabs my nose and twists...yikes! It really hurts."

"I can understand. Anyway, what happened after that?"

"I tried to explain to Callisto why I couldn't catch Gabby, er, Gabrielle. I mean, it's kind of embarrassing admitting that you can't capture someone smaller than you, and not even a warrior. So I tried to bluff, and Callisto gave me one more chance to join her army. She wanted me to kill Gabby! Just slit her throat. Big sissy that I am, I just couldn't do it. Really, I liked her too much even then to do something like that." He paused, and under his breath, muttered, "I still haven't killed anyone. Somehow, I just don't want to. But don't ever let Xena know that."

"I wouldn't. You know, blood innocence can be an asset as well. Maybe that's one of the reasons you were drawn to me," Magdalus mused.

"Yeah, maybe," Joxer said, kicking a rock underfoot. "Anyway, Callisto tied me up and used Gabby as bait for Xena. They had this big fight, which I watched, and Xena ended up beating Callisto. She went to jail, but she wasn't there very long. That's...that's when Gabrielle married someone else. I was crushed, even after I'd just met her. I had some part of me that wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, and since then, it's been all I can think of. When I went to the wedding, I wasn't sure whether my tears were because of happiness or sadness. All I knew was, the woman of my dreams was with someone else. I tried to be as cheerful as I could, which wasn't easy. I think Xena and I were both sad about losing Gabrielle."

"Losing Gabrielle? Why?" asked Magdalus as he turned to face Joxer.

"Xena and Gabrielle travel together, and I go with them sometimes. Without Gabrielle, I don't know, Xena seems so sad. She wanted what was best for Gabby, but she was still awfully sad. Anyway, it didn't last long. Callisto murdered Perdicas, the guy Gabby married, and started another fight with Xena."

....More coming soon!

Please take a moment to write to Filippa at flasheart@hotmail.com and let her know how you like this story so far!

COPYRIGHT NOTICE:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Perdicas, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1998 by Filippa Morgan and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.