The conversation went like this. Gabrielle would say, "You idiot. You moron. What was going through that fogged brain of yours? What makes you think I can't take care of myself?" Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Morrigan would interrupt and say, "Leave the lad alone, he was only trying t'protect y'r honor. It was really kind o' sweet." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Gabrielle would interrupt and say, "Well, I'm only trying to protect his stupid skull from getting caved in. He's no good in a fight and he knows it." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Morrigan would interrupt and say, "Men canna help it. They are all stupid like that." Joxer would start to say, "But..." and Gabrielle would interrupt and say, "You idiot. You moron. What was going through that fogged brain of yours?...." and it all would repeat.

This went on for quite some time. Marcus had given them directions to the jail ("If you ask me, you should just leave her there and let her rot"), which was a good long hike down along the waterfront, leaving lots of time for recrimination. It might not have become so repetitive had Joxer not originally tried to fight back and pointed out that Gabrielle should not have allowed the argument with Menander to get out of hand in the first place. Because this was true, she became infuriated and continued to snipe at him long past the point he surrendered. Morrigan walked along behind them, tactfully silent most of the time and making no more noise than the steady sloshing that rose from the wineskin she carried at her hip.

The jail was a large, dark building right on to the water, with its own pier extending a good ways out into the filthy harbor. "I hear sometimes they just tie the boats up right here an' send the crews directly inside," Morrigan said. "Saves 'em time in the long run." They pushed the front door open carefully and peered inside. There was a small, dingy anteroom lit with a handful of sputtering lamps, in which half-a-dozen members of the guard sat in a circle, playing dice.

One man looked up at their approach. "We're full up tonight," he said, "go away."

"We've come to get a friend of ours out of here," Gabrielle said.

The man looked her over. "You're too clean to have any friends here," he said dismissively and picked up the dice.

Morrigan motioned for silence and took over. "There was a fight a little while ago at Marcus' place, an' they took away my friend Nebula by accident. Not knowing, I am sure, that she's the Queen of Sumeria."

"Yeah, and I'm Zeus, King of the Gods." The man rolled the dice, studied the results, and cursed. "Because I'm obviously not Hermes."

"So we are thinking, this being an accident and all, we could somehow get her out."

"You could pay her fine."

"How much is it?"

"How much you got?" He picked up the dice, rolled again, and cursed again.

Joxer was peering over Gabrielle's shoulder at the guardsmen's game, fascinated. "Tell you what," he said unexpectedly. "I'll roll you for it."

Morrigan looked at the rough faces of the guardsmen, who were now all looking at Joxer like dogs eyeing a fresh bone. "I am thinking this is not such a good idea, love," she said.

He wasn't listening. Instead he stepped into the circle. "Come on, one roll. I win, Nebula comes with us."

The head guardsman looked him, and then Gabrielle and Morrigan, over appraisingly. "What'll you give me if I win?"

"Oh, we'll figure that out later," Joxer said cheerfully, kneeling down and picking up the dice.

Morrigan, alarmed, thought she actually saw the head guardsman lick his lips. "This is not such a good idea," she said, more loudly this time, and reached to pull Joxer back to his feet.

Gabrielle caught her arm and pulled her back away from the circle. "No," she said softly. "Let him try."

Morrigan frowned and looked at her. "Are y'mad?" she said in an undertone. "Even if the damn dice weren't loaded, as they no doubt are..."

Gabrielle shook her head. "It's okay. Watch."

Joxer rolled. Morrigan looked at the results and hissed under her breath. The head guardsman looked and smiled. He picked up the dice, rolled, and looked at the results. He stopped smiling. He said, "Okay. How about two out of three?"

It actually took five out of seven to win Nebula's freedom (and eighteen dinars, and a brass armlet, and a dagger with a slightly nicked edge). "He's usually pretty good at stuff like this," Gabrielle said to Morrigan. "No idea why. I keep telling him he should sock away a little cash and replace that darn thing of his, but he always winds up giving it away or something first."

The head guardsman took his defeat with as much grace as might be expected under the circumstances, which was to say none at all. He had Joxer, Gabrielle, and Morrigan put outside in the street where they watched the closed door of the jail, and waited. After a brief period of time the head guardsman opened the door, pushed Nebula out of it, and closed it very loudly and firmly behind her.

Nebula, Queen of Sumeria, Scourge of the Aegean, and a woman who liked a good joke all right just so long as it was not on her, stared at her erstwhile companions. "I was just in jail," she said.

"Um, you all right?" Joxer asked hesitantly, whereupon Gabrielle stomped on his foot. "Ow."

"I was in jail."

"We're sorry we ow. I. I got you in trouble and everything."

"I haven't been in jail for years. This is great." Nebula laughed. "I'm having me a fine old time. What a night!" She clapped her hands together and looked around. "So now what?"

"I dinna know," Morrigan said cheerfully. "It's a great big town, I'm sure we can find something."

"Or something will find us," Gabrielle said under her breath.

"I need a drink," Nebula decided. "Who wants to come with me? Let's all get another drink and then go see the donkey."

"I think we've all had quite enough," Gabrielle said seriously, swaying a little.

"Don't be silly." Nebula gave her a friendly thump on the back that knocked the smaller woman half-over. "Everybody can use 'nother drink. Where's the inn gone?"

Joxer raised his hands defensively. "Don't look at me. It was okay when I left it."

"It was a rhetorical question, love," Morrigan told him.

"Rhet--"

"She means she didn't mean it," Gabrielle translated as she righted herself. "She meant which way to the inn?"

"Back over there some place." He gestured vaguely at everything that was not water.

"Oh good, we might be able to find it by Tuesday."

Everyone looked around for landmarks, except for Morrigan who looked up at the sky and frowned. "What time is it?" she asked.

"Night," said Joxer helpfully.

"It looks close on t'midnight. I really should pick my daughter up from the sitter."

"Go ahead," said Nebula. "We'll be looking for the inn."

"No, come with me. She's staying at a Hestian temple down here on the waterfront. We'll ask them for directions." Morrigan looked left and right and made a decision. "This way," she said and started walking.

The others followed. "A temple?" Nebula looked dubious. "Is it open this time of night? I thought only fun places were open this time of night."

"It's a Hestian temple. The doors are never closed."

"Hestia's one of those weirdo gods, isn't he?"

"She," Gabrielle corrected automatically. "She's goddess of the home. She has these virgin priestesses."

"Oh, man," said Nebula, genuinely disgusted. "That's sick."

The road ran down closer to the water, following the docks. The stench would have choked a goat. "Low tide," Morrigan observed.

Joxer sniffed and made a face. "What is that?"

"It's the smell of the sea," Nebula said cheerfully.

Joxer sniffed again, and his entire face screwed up in disgust. "I didn't know the sea smelled like-- "

"Your Highness! Queen Nebula! Wait up!" Menander came running up behind them, panting. He stopped and caught his breath, wheezing, choking out between gasps, "Oh, there... you are. What... a surprise." Timarchus also ran up and panted silently beside him. "You shouldn't be walking out here alone," Menander said.

Nebula put her hands on her hips and gave him a cold, regal glare. "I'm hardly alone."

"I mean without a man to protect you, Your Highness."

"Hey," Joxer protested.

"Women shouldn't be out alone at night in a neighborhood like this."

Now Morrigan and Gabrielle were glaring too. "Go away," Nebula said.

"Yes, Your Highness." Bowing, Menander and Timarchus backed away, disappearing into an alley.

"The nerve," said Morrigan. "'Poor wee women, out all alone, with no man'."

"Hey," Joxer protested again, louder.

"Oh, simmer down," Gabrielle said. "He just meant we didn't have a real man with us, that's all."

"An' if we did, we couldn't get into t'get my daughter, so it's a good thing," Morrigan said. "Here we are."

The Hestian temple was a tall, graceful building sitting regally among a variety of ramshackle warehouses almost at the water's edge. They passed through the huge main doors, left open as always to symbolize the welcome of the home, and Morrigan led them through to the inner chamber. She spoke briefly with the High Priestess and the two of them disappeared through a curtained doorway. Gabrielle and Nebula wandered over to the altar. Joxer, who associated Hestian temples with severe emotional trauma, hung back unhappily and stayed quiet.

Nebula regarded the tall gilt statue of Hestia behind the altar and leaned over enough to rub her fingertips against its foot. "I wonder how thick this gold leaf is," she mused.

"Leave it alone," said Gabrielle, appalled.

"Because if it's not that thick you could just chip off the outer surface and melt it down and separate the gold later." She saw the look Gabrielle was giving her and grinned the wolf grin back. "Theoretically, of course."

"Don't mess with gods. They're all crazy." Gabrielle fished out her share of the take from the dice game and put it in the offering bowl, just to be safe. As soon as her back was turned Nebula scooped it out again.

"Here we go," Morrigan said cheerfully. She pushed the curtain aside and came back into the room, holding the hand of a beautiful little girl with a cherubic face. The little angel pulled her hand away from her mother, said, "Look. I'm a harpy," and started racing around the room, holding her arms out to the sides and making dive-bombing harpy noises that ran down everyone's spines like fingernails across slate.

"Did we have a nice time with the Hestian priestesses, dear?" Morrigan asked.

"We all enjoyed having her here," the High Priestess said. She accepted the small leather purse Morrigan handed to her and said in a much better approximation of sincerity, "Such a sweet child."

"Gabrielle, I'd like you t'meet my daughter, Brigid. Brigid. Brigid, dear." Morrigan tried to follow the child's progress around the room, twisting in a half-circle. The child pulled to a stop in front of them, flapping her arms as she came in for a landing. "Brigid, come here an' meet Gabrielle. She's Aunt Xena's, uh... friend."

"Hello." The child studied Gabrielle for a moment. "Are you a goddess?"

"No, honey."

"My mother is half-a-goddess. I'm going to be a goddess too," Brigid announced. "When I grow up. I'm going to have powers and everything. I want cool powers like if you point your finger at someone and make them go BOOM. I try to make my tutor go boom. So far it hasn't worked yet," she admitted, "but I've been practicing and one day BOOM. And then no more twelve-times tables. I hate twelve-times tables." She flapped her arms and took off again.

"The poor thing," said Morrigan, "she was just exhausted."

Gabrielle eyed Brigid, who was climbing onto the altar with the apparent intent of proceeding directly up onto the statue of Hestia. "This is 'exhausted'?"

"Not her, the sitter."

The High Priestess started to speak, then frowned. "You brought a man in here."

"It's okay," said Gabrielle. "He's not a real man. We just had this discussion." Confirmed in his belief about the nature of things that happened to him in Hestian temples, Joxer slumped against the wall and hid his face in his hands.

"Look at me." Brigid had climbed all the way up the statue of Hestia and now stood on the goddess' shoulders, holding her arms out. "Look at me!"

The Priestess said, "Oh, dear," and Gabrielle said, "Oh, no," and Nebula said, "Hey, kid, take a look for Auntie Nebula and tell me if those are real diamonds in her eyes, okay?" Morrigan said, "Brigid, sweetheart, come down from there."

"Look at me, I'm a harpy," said Brigid, flapping her arms, and jumped. She sailed over the women's heads in a perfect swan dive. Joxer darted forward and caught her in midair, teetered dangerously for a moment, and fell over into the altar. Everything on it, including Joxer and Brigid, went crashing straight to the floor. The statue of Hestia wobbled ominously but did not follow, much to Nebula's disappointment.

"Whee," said Brigid.

Within minutes they found themselves standing in a huddle on the darkened street, staring at the now firmly closed doors of the temple. "Thrown out of a temple," Nebula mused. "And I didn't even steal anything this time. How the mighty have fallen."

"Well, at least we got directions," Morrigan said. "We can all go back to the inn now. The priestess said we follow this road up to the top of the hill and then turn right for about half a mile."

"I wanna see the donkey," said Brigid.

"It's past your bedtime, sweetheart."

"I don't wanna go to bed," Brigid said. "I wanna stay up and see the donkey."

"You're too young for the donkey," Morrigan said rather firmly.

"Aunt Nebula said the donkey is really cool. She says that last time she was here-- "

"Your mother is right," Nebula said in a loud voice, "yes she is, you need to go to bed and we all need to go back to the inn. Besides, we can get more drinks. Come on." She led the way up the hill, and they passed one cross street, and two, and when they passed the third one Menander and Timarchus caught up to them.

"Good evening, Your Highness," said Menander. "What a surprise meeting you here!"

"Shut up."

"Yes, Your Highness."

"We're going to see the donkey," Brigid said to him. "And make it go BOOM. Are you coming with us?"

"No," Gabrielle said firmly, glaring at Menander.

Nebula looked back over her shoulder at Gabrielle and grinned evilly at her discomfiture. "Oh, come on. What's another couple of flunkies?"

The Queen of Sumeria and her retinue trudged up the hill.

Conclusion >>>