CONTENT WARNING: Smarm. BIG TIME smarm. Much more smarm than the situation deserves, actually (so Joxer got distracted and wandered off again, so what? He does that every now and then). But smarm it I did. If I keep this up I'll have to get a pseudonym for my pseudonym.

Joxer watched the cracks in the ceiling. They spun in slow, mocking circles. Even the ceiling was against him. Xena's face hove into view, and he avoided her eyes. "Okay," she said, holding up a hand. "How many fingers?" When he didn't respond, she waved it annoyingly. "How many?"

"Forty-seven," he said peevishly.

"Close enough." She gave him an affectionate thump on the shoulder and stood up. "A week in bed, and you'll be fine."

A week, thought Joxer, my ass. "I'm not staying here a week." He pushed himself up on one elbow and the room spun in concert with the ceiling.

"A week," said Xena in slightly harder tones, "in bed, before you can travel."

"Bull." He sat up the rest of the way and the floor heaved rather violently. "I'm fine," he said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed, which bucked and tried to throw him off. "I'm perfectly capable," he said, standing up, and the entire building rocked as if Poseidon was shaking the earth, "of travelling. I'm fine. I'm ready." Travelling involved walking. Walking involved putting one foot in front of another. He could do this. He took a step. "Let's go," he said, and started to take another step, which somehow never got finished. Then Xena was carrying him back to the hated bed, and he could tell she was fair annoyed.

"Joxer, you are not going anywhere." She dumped him rather unceremoniously back into the bed. "You have a nasty concussion and you need to get some rest. Now Talia says you can stay here in her house, but I could have her lock you in her jail just as easily. Do you get my point?"

He got the point. The point was that he was going to be lying here in this stupid spinning room and she and Gabby were going to go off without him. "Okay. What about tomorrow?" he bargained. "I'll stay in bed tonight and then tomorrow--"

Xena sighed. "Joxer, I know you want to come with us, but we can't wait. Talia says there's likely to be big storms this time of year, and we'd better make it down from the mountains before we get caught in one. We have to go overland because of the horses, remember?" Great. Now he was ranked somewhere below those vicious man-eating beasts. "It'll actually work out better this way. You can go straight to the coast and catch a boat back. You'll get there days before we do. We'll meet you in a couple of weeks, I promise."

Joxer remembered the last time they had promised to meet him in a couple of weeks, and the thought of it sent a nauseated shudder through him, and he turned his head away. Xena clucked, misunderstanding. "Easy there. I'm going to go brew up something to help you sleep. You be a good boy and lie still, okay?" She patted him again, like she might pat a dog, and he heard her stand up and leave the room. He remained with his face turned resolutely to the wall until the door closed, and after.

Why couldn't they wait? What was a little snow? Okay, a lot of snow. He'd like a little snow right now, it was way hot in here. It had been snowing the last time, back when -- Okay, so maybe they wanted to go off and do girl things about the baby and all, but they could do that perfectly well while they were waiting for him to be able to get up out of this wretched bed. Okay, so maybe he should have been a little more careful with Darcon's men, okay, a lot. Okay, so maybe he had been a little incautious and got himself clobbered the minute the fight started practically, okay, so maybe he hadn't been a lot of help, but it wasn't like that was anything new. He sure hadn't been a lot of help back when -- Okay, so it didn't really mean anything that they were leaving him behind, because they always did that, because they always went off and did hero stuff and then he would meet up with them again and there would be laughing and stories and (knowing Xena) fish, and it always worked like that except, of course, for back when --

He was cold, very cold, all of a sudden and it must have been because he was sick. Just like Xena said. Right? He hoped she would get back soon with that tea, because he really should sleep, sleep a good deep sleep in which he wouldn't have to think about back when, not think about it at all.

Xena slipped out into the hallway, closing the door quietly behind her. Gabrielle straightened up from where she had been leaning against the wall. "How is he?"

"Nasty bump, but he's awake, and talking, and grouchy as hell. He'll be fine in a few days."

Gabrielle visibly relaxed. "Thank the gods. Even if he did bring it on himself." She followed Xena into the kitchen. "He's gone crazy, you know."

"Oh, and you just now noticed this?"

"No, not Joxer-crazy, just crazy crazy. There were eight of them, Xena. Eight! And he went right straight at them, out in the open. Arman and Amarice and I barely managed to beat them off him, and there were three of us. If that one guy'd had a sword instead of a club..." Gabrielle busied herself rearranging some small objects on the table before she resumed speaking. "Of course, he would have deserved it, allowing himself to be surrounded like that. Because like I said, he's gone crazy."

"I think he's a little tense lately." Xena checked the contents of a pot that hung over the fire and grunted in satisfaction.

"And all the other stuff, too. I mean, you know. Crazy."

"Hand me that herb-pouch, the one with the red ties."

"Here. I can't deal with crazy people. You know that."

"He won't be able to travel for a few days. We'll have to leave him behind and let him catch up later."

"I mean, I try to be sensitive. I'm a sensitive person."

"Is there a bowl over there?"

"Here's one. I just don't know how to deal with it."

"It'll be a couple of weeks at the least."

"Crazy people practically getting themselves killed and everything."

Xena spooned the tea into the bowl, wrinkling her nose in revulsion. "That's a long time, considering everything that's happened. He's pretty upset."

"I mean, what am I supposed to do?"

Xena sighed and turned around, facing Gabrielle for the first time. "Gabrielle, talk to him."

"I can't." Gabrielle took one step backwards. "I can't," she said again in a small, miserable voice, and turned around and left the room.

Joxer decided to give himself over to a good solid sulk. If no one around here was going to feel sorry for him then, by all the gods, he had a right to feel sorry for himself. Then Xena came back into the room and he decided maybe it would be smartest to postpone the sulking until after she left. "Drink this," she ordered in a tone that brooked no argument, and he did, and it was really, really awful. He shuddered and fought with his stomach for a few frantic moments, because as much as he hurt now, if he threw up on Xena he would very quickly be hurting a whole lot more.

"Terrible stuff, isn't it?" Xena said surprisingly. "I never noticed the way it smelled before. How's your head feel?"

"Awful."

"Poor thing," Xena said, even more surprisingly, and she took his face in her hands and turned it so she could get a good look at that stupid lump he'd had to go and get on his stupid head. "You're a little hot," she judged.

He shook her off fretfully. That was a major mistake and made the room start bouncing around again, which made his stomach start bouncing around again, and he rolled onto his side facing the wall, well away from her, just in case. Vaguely he heard her say, "Get some sleep now," and he thought he heard the door but maybe not.

Joxer curled up in the blankets and tried to get back to sulking, but his mind refused to cooperate. Look at you, it said. You are sick and you can't get up and they aren't going to wait around for you, so give it up. Hot, aching, and resigned to his fate, he lay still and waited for the awful tea to take effect. There was a scraping noise behind him, a chair being pulled up, so he must have been wrong about the door sound and Xena hadn't left after all. He sighed. "'M sorry," he said.

She didn't say anything. She was probably mad as heck by now. Xena wasn't nice very often, and she expected to be well appreciated when she was. "Shouldn't have been so grumpy," he apologized further. "It's just that..." She probably wasn't interested in that part, so he didn't say it.

He stared at the wall. It wasn't any more interesting than the ceiling had been, but at least it was holding still. Something cold touched his face, and he jumped before his mind could sort out the sensation -- she was wiping him down with a wet cloth, and that was nice of her, especially considering the way he had been acting, and now he felt even more miserable. "I shouldn't have been so grumpy. And I should have stayed put like you told me to, and I shouldn't follow you around so close, and I shouldn't make Gabby all upset." Her hand stopped for a moment, and then resumed. "And, and I shouldn't complain 'bout catching up with you later, it's just that..." He was starting to feel very tired, and the pounding in his head was a little lighter. "I know you promised and everything, but last time...you lied."

She took the cloth away and said nothing. On his part he had said too much, and he wanted to stop, but everything was becoming foggy and slow and he didn't.

"You lied to me, and you sent me away, and, and look what happened, and I wasn't there." It sounded pathetic and weak even to his own ears, and he waited for her to laugh, or perhaps cuff him, but she said nothing. And he went on because now he could blame it on his head, and the tea, and the fever, and if he said it maybe he'd stop thinking it and maybe it would go away. "An', and I don't ever want to not be there again, I can't stand it. I should've been there. I should be there. It's like nothing can happen if I'm there. I know it sounds..." It sounded stupid. It sounded egotistical and ridiculous and there was no way he could explain it. "And now with the baby, and Gabrielle, an' everything. I get so scared for you guys sometimes. That's why I couldn't stay in the barn like you tol' me. That's why I don'... I don't want you to go without me."

She still said nothing. Either she was really, really mad, or... or maybe she just wasn't listening. Which might be all for the best. "Jus'... don't send me away any more. Just don't..." He closed his eyes for a minute, or maybe five, and found them very hard to open again. "I have t'be there. It's my life t'throw away. It's my right." His eyes started to close once more, and he couldn't stop it. "Just don't lie to me any more," he said, or thought he did, but he was so tired he might not have been able to speak the words. The tea was dragging him under and he realized dully he hadn't even said a polite goodbye, and he cursed himself tiredly. There was a scraping noise from very far away, Xena getting out of the chair, and dimly he was aware of a light touch on his forehead that might have been a kiss, or might not, and then he slept and thought nothing.

Xena sat at the table in the kitchen. All thoughts of eating had been thrown right out of her head by the stink of that damn tea. She really ought to find some concoction that smelled a little better. Pregnant or no pregnant, that smell was just... She almost stood up and staggered outside to get some fresh air, but remembered she had to wait. Cursing to herself, she remained seated.

Gabrielle came in. "How did it go?" Xena asked.

"He was asleep already."

"That fast?" Xena didn't bother to keep the disbelief out of her voice.

"Yeah, well, pretty much. I didn't want to wake him up. I don't think he knew I was there."

It sounded like the truth, but she avoided Xena's eyes when she said it, and Xena grew suspicious. "What did he say?"

"Nothing," said Gabrielle, too loudly and too quickly, and Xena's suspicions were confirmed. "Nothing. It's all right, Xena, really. I will talk to him. Just...later. When we hook up again. Pro--" For some reason she stumbled over the word. "Promise."

Stubborn, stubborn girl. Xena suppressed an urge to roll her eyes. Well, whatever it was couldn't be that important to know. It was only Joxer, after all. "Fine. We'd better get going, then." She stood up, more than ready to get out of that kitchen. "I have to go talk to Talia and make sure everything's arranged. I'll see you down by the stables."

"Yeah," Gabrielle said absently. She wrung out the wet cloth she was carrying and folded it carefully before she laid it on the table and left.

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COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1999 by Dharma Bum and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.