Author's Note: !!SPOILER WARNING!!: Story takes place after Ides of March and contains general overall spoilers for last season (of both shows, actually), also melodrama. And I suck at writing melodrama. Flames are expected.

He had things to do, important things, going-on type things, and he wasn't going to do them. No. He was going to sit here and wait. That was more important. That and the wine. It hadn't been watered properly. It was too thick and clung to the bowl when he sloshed it around, red on the sides and black in the depths.

"Are you listening to me?"

Do I look like I'm listening? he thought. He studied the wine bowl. There was some fine intricate pattern around its rim, but the too-dark wine obscured it from view. He supposed he could swallow the rest of it and find out what the pattern looked like, but it seemed to be too much trouble.

"Hello, are you in there?"

Just as answering Iolaus was too much trouble. Iolaus couldn't sit still and look at wine bowls. Sooner or later he'd have to get up and move, and then-- As if on cue, the hunter sprang up from the bench with a muffled curse, wrapped his wool cloak about himself, and stormed away across the crowded room. Out into the snow, with any luck, and far, far away where he couldn't ask those questions that reminded Joxer of everything he had to do. Joxer didn't want to think about that at this point. He didn't want to think about anything. All he wanted to do was sit and wait.

Voices chattered away in the background, mostly in Latin. There were Romans all over this tavern, like lice, all over the streets, all over the town, and the prison camp they nested in loomed outside the walls like an opening to the underworld. Someone was speaking Greek. Iolaus' voice again, drawing nearer. "You talk to him. I can't get through to him. Maybe he'll listen to you. Maybe you can just bop him on the head and carry him out of here, that'll work better."

Reinforcements. That wasn't fair. Joxer stared resolutely at the wall in front of him, refusing to look up. He didn't want to be rude, but it was too much trouble to go through the whole thing again. A tap on his shoulder. "Joxer?"

"Hercules. Hello."

"Come on, Joxer. It's time to go."

"I can't leave."

"Here we go again," Iolaus growled.

"It's too dangerous to stay here."

Of course it was dangerous, that was the point. He sighed, feeling very put-upon, and turned to face the two heroes. "I have to stay."

"Why?"

"I have to stay and wait for them."

Hercules and Iolaus exchanged glances. It was exactly the same way Xena and Gabby used to exchange glances when he did something foolish, and it made him feel all annoyed, or maybe something else. Suddenly he did not want to look at them any more, and stared back into the wine bowl.

Hercules sat down. "Joxer," he said, in the sort of tone one used with a child, "they're not coming. They're dead."

"But they'll come back."

"They're dead," Hercules repeated carefully. "They're not coming back."

"Heroes come back. They always do."

"Not this time."

"Iolaus came back. Dozens of times."

"Only four," Iolaus said, outraged.

"Iolaus is not the best example. Look, Joxer, listen to me. The last time I saw Xena, she made me promise I would take care of you if anything happened to her. I can't leave you here, because sooner or later someone is going to recognize you're one of her friends and turn you over to the garrison. And then you'll be dead, and I'll have failed, and do you think that'll make her happy? Do you think she'll see that from the Elysian Fields and be satisfied?"

None of this was relevant, and Joxer shook his head. "They're coming back," he said, more sharply than he'd wanted to. "Xena knew this would happen. She must have had a plan. She always had a plan." More sharply and more quickly than he'd wanted to, and he stopped himself abruptly.

"She knew? That explains..." Hercules' voice trailed off, and for a minute Joxer was forgotten and therefore safe. "I remember wondering what brought that up, why she was talking like that. I should have pressed her..."

"It wasn't your fault." Iolaus sat down as well. He shuffled himself further into the folds of his cloak.

"But I should have known. If I had only known..."

"You didn't."

"I did." Joxer heard himself speaking, as if from very far off. "I knew."

"It wasn't your fault either," said Iolaus automatically.

"Wasn't it?" He stared into the cup, at the pattern that wasn't visible. "I didn't know exactly what was wrong, but I knew something was."

"Don't be silly."

He was getting a headache. "Don't patronize me."

"No one's being patronizing," Hercules said in a patronizing tone.

"I knew something was wrong. Xena was worried all the time, and they would talk about some... vision... when they thought I wasn't listening, and I knew it was something really bad, and even knowing all that I left anyway."

No one said anything, and he couldn't stop talking. "It was raining. There had been these, um, problems, and everything was tense, and it wouldn't stop raining. And I was getting a cold, and I hadn't been sleeping well, and I was all cranky and irritable. And then we came to the crossroads and I went south and they went west, and now they're gone. If I had only known it was our last walk in the rain, our last walk anywhere, and I spent it snapping at everybody, and I'll never have the chance to..." He swallowed, and started over. "Not until they come back. Which is why I have to wait. Don't you see?" They obviously didn't. "I have to make up for it. Somehow."

Hercules sighed. "So getting yourself killed will do that?"

"If I wait here, and I don't do anything until they come back, that makes up for it. Maybe. If I can let them know how sorry I am, that makes up for it. Maybe. If I can somehow just get them to know that I didn't mean anything I said that last time I saw them, that what I should have said was how much I loved them, that makes up for it. Maybe. And if the Romans have to come for me and nail me up to prove it, then..."

"Then you've totally failed," said Iolaus unexpectedly. "Then they can't go on."

"Heroes always go on."

"Because people carry them on." He reached out, too fast for Joxer to react, and tapped him on the chest. "You carry them. In here."

This sounded suspiciously like something Gabby might have said. Would say. "Have you been talking to Eli?"

"Who's Eli? Oh, never mind." Iolaus waved the question away. "Look, I've seen this from the other side, remember? I know how it works. That's the way heroes go on, and ordinary people, too. Because the people who love them carry them along. If you stay here and get yourself killed, that's the only way they stop."

Joxer traced the patterned edge of the bowl with one finger. All these things to do. "There are other people to go on. Lots of other people. Why do I have to?"

"Why did Xena ask me to find you, and not any of them?" Hercules asked.

"Perversity?" said Joxer without thinking, and blinked. Did I just make a joke? How long has it been since...

"Besides," said Iolaus, shrugging expansively. "They might come back. You never can tell."

"You're not helping," Hercules told him in an undertone.

"Stranger things have happened. To me. Just yesterday, practically."

They started bickering about something, probably him, and he stopped listening. It was too much trouble to follow their conversation. Everything was too much trouble. Getting up and going on, especially. He'd have to go talk to some people, visit some places he didn't want to see. Poteidaia. Amphipolis. He'd have to complain loudly and at great length in temples, risking the wrath of Aphrodite, and Cupid, and even Ares, in the hopes one of them would be sufficiently annoyed with the situation to do something about it. He'd have to allow Hercules and Iolaus to drag him out of here like a stray dog, have to admit--admit that they were right. He couldn't lie down and die, as much as he wanted to.

After all, he was the only one who wasn't refusing to face facts. It was everybody else who was in denial. He knew the truth. Gabby and Xena would come back. They would. And then he'd be able to make it up to them. Somehow. Unless he was dead himself by then, in which case...

...in which case, Xena would be absolutely furious with him. He would never hear the end of it. Never. Being on the other side wouldn't protect him. He could hide in the deepest corner of Tartarus for a thousand lifetimes and he'd still be hearing her blasting him. Xena's grudges were the stuff of legends.

"What?" said Iolaus testily.

It took Joxer a minute to realize he was being spoken to again. "What?" Iolaus repeated.

"What what?"

"What are you smiling at?"

"Not you. Don't worry."

"Are you listening to me?"

Do I look like I'm listening? he thought. He swirled the wine around one more time and watched it fall away from the sides. It looked like the pattern wasn't confined to the rim, but went all the way down into the bowl. He hadn't realized that.

"Hello, are you in there?"

Answering Iolaus was still too much trouble. And Joxer couldn't sit still and look at wine bowls. He'd have to get up and move sooner or later, and then--

"I told you, Herc. Didn't I tell you? It's like talking to the wall. Hit him and let's get out of here."

He wasn't going to be rude. He put the wine down and waited patiently for Iolaus to run out of steam. But then he had to go. He had things to do, important things, going-on type things, and he was going to do them.

Please take the time to write to Dharma at dharmasbox@lono.com, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Hercules, Iolaus, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "If I Had Only Known" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1999 by Dharma Bum and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.