by Dharma Bum
Copyright 2000
DOGS IN CLOVER "The More Things Change" Show #9 TEASER INT. COUNCIL HALL -- DAY GABRIELLE and RHYSIS are sitting at the long table at the end of the hall. The table is covered with half-unrolled scrolls, and perhaps a couple of sandwiches. Gabrielle squints at the scroll she is reading, and SIGHS. GABRIELLE You know...I'm beginning to think they might be right about the tradition. RHYSIS How so? GABRIELLE Because if I was a traditional Queen, instead of asking everyone what they thought about the issues, I could just tell them what to think. RHYSIS Funny. I was just thinking the opposite; how much more interesting it is this way. Gabrielle tries to roll up the scroll but the end of it gets away from her and falls off the table, unrolling across the floor. GABRIELLE That's one word for it. RHYSIS Cyane can't get over it. She loves the way everyone's always debating things now. They're getting as bad as a bunch of Athenians. GABRIELLE They don't even have a King in Athens. That's the way they run everything, by people discussing and coming to an agreement. RHYSIS It's rather inefficient. GABRIELLE It seems to work for them. RHYSIS Yes, but Athenians are weird. That's a professional shaman opinion, of course. GABRIELLE Joxer's from Athens. (a beat) Okay, I see your point. Rhysis rolls up her own scroll. RHYSIS Well, there is no precedent, as far as I can tell. I have no idea what the Hippolyta might decree. Damn Lysandra, anyway. GABRIELLE All this darn fuss, just because I don't match her idea of what a Queen should be. There's no law that says we all have to be the same, or even agree on everything. She sits back in her chair and toys absentmindedly with her ring. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) I've found that there's almost nothing I can't learn to tolerate. LYSANDRA enters. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Eventually. LYSANDRA Good morning! What a fine, fine day. She is in an almost gleeful mood. LYSANDRA (CONT'D) (to Gabrielle) A wonderful day for traveling. Are you packed yet? RHYSIS Don't jump the bow, Lysandra. LYSANDRA You know, you could just leave now before Hippolyta gets here, and save everyone a lot of trouble. GABRIELLE Don't be so sure of yourself. I'm sure the Hippolyta is a reasonable woman. She'll see my side of it. She stands up. A very short, wizened LITTLE OLD LADY, who is for some reason wearing Amazon dress, shuffles unnoticed into the room. LYSANDRA The Hippolyta is the spiritual leader of the entire Amazon Nation. You'll be lucky if she doesn't have you burned at the stake. LITTLE OLD LADY Excuse me. RHYSIS Lysandra, in this village we've learned to disagree with each other without having to resort to being petty and vindictive about it. LYSANDRA Petty and-- RHYSIS Professional shaman opinion. LITTLE OLD LADY I was looking for the Queen, and also I think I would like to have some tea. LYSANDRA Go away. GABRIELLE I'm the Queen, ma'am. May I help you? The little old lady walks up to Gabrielle and peers at her closely. LITTLE OLD LADY Funny. You don't look like a pervert. GABRIELLE (taken aback; trying to remain polite) I'm not. LITTLE OLD LADY That's what Lysandra said. RHYSIS Lysandra! LYSANDRA I only call them like I see them. (to the little old lady) Run along now, Grandma, we have more important things to deal with. The Hippolyta will be here any minute. LITTLE OLD LADY I am here. Gabrielle, Rhysis, and Lysandra stare. HIPPOLYTA At least, I think I am. LYSANDRA Ah. Ah, your Holiness, I, uh... Hippolyta gazes around at the blank faces. HIPPOLYTA I like tea. Do you have any tea? FADE OUT:
ACT ONE INT. AMAZON CANTEEN -- DAY This is the Amazon equivalent of a tavern, although it is free from the usual dirt and smoke of a tavern. Unfortunately it is also free of the usual noise and liveliness. There are Amazons in small sedate groups around the room, sitting at tables with drinks or plates of salad in front of them. There are a great many potted ferns hanging from the ceiling, and in one corner is a small fountain. XENA and JOXER enter the canteen, her leading, him following at a reluctant distance; he turns and makes a break for it, but she snags him by his collar and tosses him against the bar. BARTENDER What'll you have? XENA Two ales. BARTENDER We don't serve ale in here. XENA You don't. BARTENDER We have carrot juice, sawgrass shakes, herbal tea, goat's milk... XENA Yeah, yeah, yeah...whatever. Some juice thing will be fine. The bartender produces two tankards of some juice thing. Joxer is still looking around for an escape. Xena waits until the bartender turns away. XENA (CONT'D) Amazons make me sick sometimes. She produces a flask from under her coat and adds whatever is in it (maybe it is Egyptian Sling mix) to the juice thing. While her attention is occupied Joxer starts edging away. XENA (CONT'D) So. Without looking she reaches over and pulls him back onto his stool with a thump. XENA (CONT'D) You and I need to have a little ...talk. JOXER I think I left the well running, I'd better go back and... XENA Don't. He doesn't. XENA (CONT'D) So. Trapped and desperate, with nothing to lose, Joxer charges. JOXER Well, we are married. It's not like... (fishes for comparison) we're not. Xena is drinking. JOXER (CONT'D) And I didn't do anything. She was the one that went and got the spell put on her, and anyway it was all her idea. I mean, okay, it was like an idea I've been having, but I knew better than to do anything about it, I mean... Xena is still drinking. She isn't looking at him. JOXER (CONT'D) And, and, gosh darn it, you know how I feel about Gabrielle, you've known all along, so don't sit there and act like it's some big surprise or something. XENA (looks in mug; to bartender) Give me another one of these. INT. COUNCIL HALL -- DAY Hippolyta is seated at the long table, peering unsteadily at a scroll. She has a cup of tea and some cookies on a small plate in front of her. Lysandra and Rhysis are hovering over her, and Gabrielle and CYANE are standing a little off to one side. LYSANDRA ...and she keeps asking people for their opinions, and she doesn't make decisions on her own. RHYSIS Which is fully in accordance with Amazon tradition of the tribe acting as one. LYSANDRA And she has a rude housemate, and let me not forget the M-word... HIPPOLYTA I like honey in my tea. A lot of people don't like honey, but I've always liked honey. In my tea. LYSANDRA As in, a man. She has a man in her house. RHYSIS Which nobody in this tribe has a problem with any more. HIPPOLYTA These are good cookies. Do they have honey in them? GABRIELLE Your, um-- She looks to Rhysis for help. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) --Hippolytaness... Rhysis winces. LYSANDRA And I haven't even started in about the state of her yard. She has this hedge... HIPPOLYTA Lysandra? LYSANDRA Yes, your Holiness? HIPPOLYTA Shut up, dearie. LYSANDRA Yes, your Holiness. GABRIELLE See...I can explain. There's this spell, okay, and then there's Xena and this god, and... HIPPOLYTA You know, when I was a girl, Amazons used to wear purple a lot. You don't see a lot of purple any more. Did she say you had a man in your house? GABRIELLE Ah...yeah. But, um, there's a story. You see... HIPPOLYTA Oh dear. LYSANDRA She's a pervert. That's why I asked for you to come here, she's a pervert. RHYSIS She's not a pervert. She's just differently gendered. HIPPOLYTA Do you do nasty things with him? GABRIELLE What!? HIPPOLYTA Nasty men things. You know. I used to know but I think I've forgotten. GABRIELLE Ah. I can't really go into that, you know... (waves hand, taking in everyone in the room) ...ah, now, in front of everybody, and... HIPPOLYTA Some of them involved honey, I think. She looks into her teacup. Gabrielle looks ready to drop through the floor. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) And war. Yes, that was one of the nasty men things, they were always starting wars. GABRIELLE Starting w--oh. OH. She regroups. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) Oh. No. No, we haven't started any wars. In fact, it was actually Xena who almost-- (catches herself) Joxer is a very, uh, non-war-starting kind of person. He's totally harmless. RHYSIS He hasn't violated any of the laws of the community, and he was instrumental in the peace accord-- that same peace accord that's the reason you live here, Lysandra. There's precedent for allowing anyone who's of service to the tribe to live with it, even if they are male. LYSANDRA "Live with the tribe", yes. "Marry the Queen and make a laughingstock of the entire Amazon Nation", no. And not only does she have a man in her house, but that demon-child of Xena's--its father was male. HIPPOLYTA (blinking) Wouldn't it have to be? LYSANDRA It could easily bring the wrath of the other gods down on the village any moment now. RHYSIS On the contrary, your Holiness, the spirits have been shielding the child. You know that Amazon spirits do not appreciate interference (aimed at Lysandra) from outsiders. GABRIELLE Yes. See, that's why we need to stay here, because we have to keep Xena and Eve safe. HIPPOLYTA Well, that makes sense. GABRIELLE Yes. Yes, you see my point then. How we really need to stay. HIPPOLYTA You know what? Someone should make purple cookies with honey icing on them. I just thought of that. That way we could have purple, and honey, and good cookies, and it would be all together. Do you bake, dear? GABRIELLE Joxer does. HIPPOLYTA Oh dear. LYSANDRA Men can't cook. Everybody knows that. HIPPOLYTA Cyane. Cyane, who has been quiet throughout, looks slightly startled. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) Cyane, this is your village. What do you think? CYANE I think... I think Lysandra is right. Gabrielle's rule runs entirely counter to tradition. Rhysis glares at her. Lysandra looks smug. CYANE (CONT'D) But I also think it's been beneficial to the village. This surprises Gabrielle. CYANE (CONT'D) She's gotten everyone interested and involved in what happens, which I always wanted to do but never could achieve on my own. I think...all talk of Joxer and Xena aside, Gabrielle herself has been good for the tribe. HIPPOLYTA There we go. And from what I see, I agree, dearie. You've been a good Queen. GABRIELLE Well. Well, I, uh... Thank you. HIPPOLYTA Yes, and peace treaties, and yummy cookies. You've been a good girl. She stands up. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) But you can't be Queen any more. GABRIELLE What? HIPPOLYTA Nasty men things, no, no. Against the rules. It won't do at all. I have to take away your anointing and everything. GABRIELLE But... Hippolyta waves her hand in Gab's direction. HIPPOLYTA There. Poof. All done. You're not a Queen any more. Gabrielle looks down at herself for some visible change but sees none. Everyone else starts to talk at once. Hippolyta waves them off and heads for the door. GABRIELLE But, but we really need... HIPPOLYTA I suppose this means that Cyane will be in charge again. I'll make the formal announcement after lunch. Are there any more cookies? LYSANDRA I'll be glad to get you some cookies, Your Holiness. RHYSIS Your Holiness, we really need to discuss this... She and Lysandra follow the Hippolyta out the door, arguing over her head at each other, leaving Gabrielle and Cyane alone. GABRIELLE (to the empty room) But we really need to stay. CYANE I'm sorry. GABRIELLE Yeah. CYANE I mean it. She does. Gabrielle looks at her. CYANE (CONT'D) (gruffly) And I meant what I said to Hippolyta. You're a good ruler. GABRIELLE You helped a lot. CYANE I always wanted everyone to be as passionate and involved in things as they are now. I think, between your new ideas and my knowledge of tradition, we did a good job. It's a shame we couldn't have... I don't know, ruled together, or something. GABRIELLE Thank you. She SIGHS. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) I can't... I don't want to leave the village. It's too important to me. And I know Xena doesn't want to leave either. But... CYANE You're going to have to make a decision. GABRIELLE I know. I... She starts the habitual fidgeting with her hands, then lifts them and looks closer. After a moment it becomes apparent-- the ring is gone. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) (resigned) Yeah. FADE OUT:
ACT TWO INT. AMAZON CANTEEN -- LATER Xena has apparently been working her way through both the canteen's stock of various juices and the contents of the flask. She is in an extremely good mood. Joxer, for his part, has not yet been killed and is starting to relax slightly. XENA You wanna know something? JOXER What? XENA (throws an arm around his shoulders) I'm glad it's you. I really am. Cause you're my bestest friend in the whole world, did you know that? JOXER Awww. She hugs him. There is a sound reminiscent of ribs cracking. XENA My very very bestest friend that I don't wanna fuck of everybody. JOXER (noncommittal: self- preservation instincts kicking in) That's nice. XENA No, really. Cause everyone else I fuck sooner or later. But not you, 'cause you're such a... (pause) ...a Joxer. JOXER Gee. Thanks. XENA Cause see, anyone else, Gabrielle goes off with 'em, and I'm stuck all alone again. But you--you I can push around. JOXER Yeah. XENA You I can say "Don't take off with her" and you won't do it, you'll stay right here on account of you're such a wimp. You're a good boy. She pats him on the head. XENA (CONT'D) I don't want for her to go away, y'know. JOXER I know. XENA I don't want for anyone to go away. People are always going away. I hate it. Bartender! Another one of these, whatever the hell it is. I don't even want for you to go away. (thinks about it) No, I don't. I wouldn't like that at all. JOXER (perking slightly) Really? You really mean it? XENA (thinks about it some more) Ah, probably not. But it's a nice thing to say. Joxer looks willing to settle for this. Hippolyta comes up and leans on the bar next to him. HIPPOLYTA May I have some tea? The bartender ignores her. Hippolyta starts trying to climb onto a stool. JOXER At this meeting they're having this afternoon they might decide I have to leave, you know. I know you and Gabby were like trying to hide it, but Amarice told me. XENA Amarice talks too much. HIPPOLYTA A nice pot of tea, with some honey in it. XENA So what are you going to do? JOXER I don't have any choice. I won't get you guys in trouble over me. Spell or no spell--I'll have to leave. BARTENDER Run along, lady. HIPPOLYTA I like honey. BARTENDER That's nice, Grandma. You just go on home. JOXER (to Hippolyta) Here--let me. He helps her onto the stool. XENA You still have that Furies problem. And the gods aren't going to be very happy with any friends of Eve's right now. JOXER Yeah. XENA Gabrielle wouldn't want you to face that alone. She studies her drink. XENA (CONT'D) You know she'd go with you if you asked. JOXER That's why I won't. I mean, the two of you, you can't be apart. It wouldn't be...right. HIPPOLYTA Just a little pot of tea. BARTENDER I'm busy. JOXER And the tribe means so much to her. And to you, too. XENA Bull. JOXER Come on. XENA (shrugs) Okay. Maybe a little. HIPPOLYTA And maybe some of those nice cookies. BARTENDER Beat it, Granny. JOXER And I don't want to get in the way, I--Aw, c'mon, give her some tea. It's not gonna kill you. BARTENDER I've got paying customers to take care of. XENA All right, then--can we have some tea? The bartender places a teapot and two cups down in front of them. Xena passes the tea and one of the cups down to Hippolyta. HIPPOLYTA Thank you, dearie. She looks at them and squints. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) You're not Amazons. XENA Gee. What gave us away? JOXER Are you all set? Would you like anything else? HIPPOLYTA Some honey for the tea would be nice. I like honey. XENA (to bartender) Some honey over here, please. She receives the honey and passes it down to Hippolyta, who adds some to her tea. XENA (CONT'D) We're staying here with a ...friend of ours who is an Amazon. HIPPOLYTA That's nice. Everyone should have friends. She looks Joxer up and down more carefully. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) (to Xena) Is he a man? XENA (amused) Rumor has it. Joxer gives her a look. HIPPOLYTA Is he a good man? Joxer prepares to give Xena another look. XENA Yes. This takes him by surprise. XENA (CONT'D) (seriously) Yes, he is. He's a good man. Joxer stares at her as if he's never seen her before. HIPPOLYTA Not a nasty man that starts horrible wars and things. That's good. You're nice young people. She climbs down from her chair, holding her mug of tea. XENA (smirking) Don't spread it around. You'll ruin my reputation. HIPPOLYTA Oh, no. That wouldn't do at all--for anyone to hear about the fearsome Warrior Princess being nice to a little old lady. The smirk vanishes. HIPPOLYTA (CONT'D) Don't worry, dearie. Your secret's safe with me. She walks off, cradling the tea cup and chuckling to herself. Both Joxer and Xena watch her go, flabbergasted. EXT. COUNCIL HALL -- AFTERNOON Gabrielle is sitting on the steps in front of the Hall, gazing at nothing. She starts to fidget with her hands out of habit before she looks down and remembers the ring is gone. She SIGHS, and slumps. Hippolyta walks up, still holding the mug. HIPPOLYTA May I sit down, dearie? &