Dogs In Clover, Show #8
House Party

by Dharma Bum

Copyright 2000


                                 DOGS IN CLOVER

                                  "House Party"

                                     Show #8

                                          TEASER

               EXT. QUEEN'S HUT -- MORNING

               INT. QUEEN'S HUT -- CONTINUOUS

               ANGLE ON KITCHEN TABLE

               XENA and GABRIELLE are sitting at the table. Xena is reading 
               the morning scroll. There is a cloth bag at her feet. 
               Gabrielle has a bowl of PORRIDGE in front of her, of which
               she gulps down a couple of spoonfuls before pushing it away
               and standing up.

                                     XENA
                         You didn't eat your breakfast.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         In a hurry.

               She pushes the chair back under the table.

                                     XENA
                         You should slow down in the mornings.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Gotta get to work.

               JOXER walks in through the back door, carrying a bucket.

                                     JOXER
                         I got the spring water for you to do 
                         your hair, Gabrielle. I can put some 
                         lavender in it if you like, and then--

                                     XENA
                              (to Gabrielle)
                         Aren't you forgetting something?

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (thinks for a minute, 
                              snaps fingers)
                         Oh! I forgot to say goodbye to Eve!

               Joxer puts the bucket down.

                                     JOXER
                         I can go get her.

                                     XENA
                         I'll get her.

               She gets up from the table and goes into the nursery. 
               Gabrielle calls after her.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Hurry up, I'm running late!

                                     JOXER
                         I am in the room, you know.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, not now, Joxer. This is important.

               Xena returns to the room with EVE, who is yawning.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Aw, there's Aunt Gabby's little girl.

               She and Xena cluck and coo over the baby.

                                     JOXER
                         I'm important too, y'know.

                                     XENA
                         Yes, but your family's not quite as 
                         important as hers is.

                                     JOXER
                              (missing the joke 
                              entirely)
                         My family is very big in Athens.

               Xena and Gab both groan in the manner of women who have heard 
               this same story too many times before.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                         My uncle Vitus is very highly placed 
                         in the entertainment industry there--

                                     XENA
                              (covers Eve's ears; 
                              to Gab)
                         He owns a chain of bordellos.

                                     JOXER
                         --and my father--

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (rolls eyes)
                         We know, Joxer. Your father is a 
                         garbage warlord.

                                     JOXER
                              (outraged)
                         He controls the garbage collection 
                         in over half the city-state.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (to Xena)
                         I'll see you later.

               She leaves.

                                     JOXER
                              (shouting after her, 
                              frustrated)
                         I'll have you know there's a lot of 
                         money in garbage!

                                     XENA
                         It's okay, Joxer. We don't think 
                         you're garbage.

                                     JOXER
                         I come from a decent family. Well, a 
                         respected one. Well, feared. Anyway. 
                         And everybody in this village treats 
                         me like I'm some kind of, of--

                                     XENA
                         Man?

                                     JOXER
                         No, that's not it.

                                     XENA
                         Joxer, no one in an Amazon village 
                         is going to respect you because they 
                         don't respect men in the first place.

                                     JOXER
                         You guys respect me, though, right?

                                     XENA
                         Of course we do.

               She picks up the bag and tosses it at him.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         Those are Eve's diapers to be washed. 
                         Don't forget to put lavender in the 
                         rinse water.

               She and Eve exit, leaving him holding the bag.

                                                                  FADE OUT:



                                         ACT ONE                INT. QUEEN'S HUT -- MORNING                Joxer is sitting at the kitchen table, an unrolled leather                 GO BOARD with a game in progress on it in front of him. Eve                 is sitting on the table across the board from him. Joxer                 looks fairly worried. Xena enters from the nursery. She walks                 past the table, turns around, walks back, and looks at it.                                      XENA                          Joxer, are you letting her play with                           those stones?                                      JOXER                               (distracted)                          Uh-huh.                                      XENA                          You're letting her play a game.                               (watches)                          You're letting her win, too.                                      JOXER                          Who's letting her?                Xena walks to the front door, where her sword and scabbard are                 hanging on the wall along with her cloak. She takes the sword                 down and puts it on.                                      XENA                          I'm going out for a while. Can you                           take care of Eve?                                      JOXER                               (still distracted)                          Sure.                                      XENA                          Don't let her swallow those things.                She puts on her cloak.                                      XENA (CONT'D)                          Make sure she goes for her nap in a                           couple of hours.                She starts for the door but stops in mid-stride, and turns                 back.                                      XENA (CONT'D)                          And break up that group in the corner,                           because she's about to cut you off                           there.                                      JOXER                          Yeah.                Xena leaves. Joxer continues to stare at the board. He puts                 a stone down. Eve LAUGHS, and takes two fistfuls of Joxer's                 stones off the board. He SIGHS. There is a KNOCKING at the                 back door, and AMARICE peers through the lattice.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                               (not looking up)                          Come in.                She enters.                                      AMARICE                          Xena, come quickly, I...                               (sees Joxer, face                                falls)                          Oh. It's you.                                      JOXER                          Xena went out. You just missed her.                                      AMARICE                          Did she tell you where she was going?                           I need to talk to her. It's really                           important...Are you playing stones                           with the baby?                                      JOXER                               (looks up)                          What's wrong?                                      AMARICE                          Are you losing?                                      JOXER                          I can help. Whatever it is.                                      AMARICE                          Boy, you'd better do something about                           that group in the corner.                                      JOXER                          What is going on?                                      AMARICE                               (gazing at the board,                                distracted)                          Oh -- the Huns are coming.                                      JOXER                          What?!                                      AMARICE                          It's okay. They pass through every                           now and then and do some trading.                          They're usually no trouble, but Cyane                           likes everyone to be on their toes,                           just in case. Listen, I'm gonna go                           find Xena and let her know. You stay                           inside, okay?                Joxer moves a stone, slamming it down on the board for                 emphasis as he turns to Amarice and speaks.                                      JOXER                          I know about Huns.                Eve makes her move, then starts scooping all of Joxer's stones                 off the board.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          I'm not totally incompetent, you                           know.                                      AMARICE                          Yeah...whatever.                                      JOXER                          I know what's going on.                He turns back to find that Eve has all of his stones in a                 pile on the table in front of her.                                      AMARICE                               (pats him on the                                shoulder)                          That's nice. You just stay here and                           watch him.                                      JOXER                          Her.                                      AMARICE                          I wasn't talking to you.                She leaves through the back door.                                      JOXER                               (yelling after her)                          I AM in the room, you know!                He sulks. Eve plays with the pile of stones and LAUGHS.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          Don't rub it in.                Eve is unintimidated. She continues playing with the pile of                 stones while he glares at her, and after a moment he relents.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          Oh, come here.                He picks Eve up and she COOS happily.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          You know, Evie, when I was your age                           I used to think I was going to grow                           up to be somebody. Not just a, a                           cook and a dishwasher and a                           babysitter...                Eve makes a face.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          No offense. It's just that...I wanted                           to be somebody important. Somebody                           people would look up to.                                      EVE                               (gurgles)                                      JOXER                          Okay. Somebody Gabrielle would look                           up to. But that part came later.                He jiggles her thoughtfully.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          You're part-a-god. You don't get it.                               (thinks)                          Although I guess you probably get                           the part about not living up to your                           father's reputation.                There is a loud noise or collection of noises from outside,                 galloping hoofbeats which resolve themselves into a series                 of horses snorting and whinnying, while loud rough voices                 shout unintelligibly and random thumps issue every now and                 then. The effect is as if a motorcycle gang has just pulled                 up outside, sans motorcycles. Someone KNOCKS at the front                 door.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          I'll get it.                He puts Eve back on the table, walks across the room, and                 opens the door. GENGHIS KHAN, a mild-looking barbarian about                 Joxer's own height and build, is standing there. He has a                 large group of HUNS standing behind him.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Hi. I'm Genghis Khan.                               (indicates Huns)                          And this is my horde. Say hello,                           guys.                                      HUNS                               (various)                          Hello.                                      JOXER                          Uh...hi.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          We heard the Avatar was in this                           village and we wanted to take a look.                                      JOXER                          Avatar?                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          You know...the Savior, the Harbinger                           of the Twilight, the Death of the                           Gods.                                      JOXER                               (comprehending)                          Oh. You mean Eve.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          You know her? Cool.                Joxer blinks.                                      JOXER                               (slowly)                          Yeah. In fact...in fact, she's right                           over here. Let me go get her.                He goes over to the table and picks up Eve, while the Huns                 filter into the hut and stand around, shuffling their feet                 and looking ill-at-ease. Joxer carries her back to the group.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Huh. So that's the Avatar.                He peers carefully at her.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          Awwwww! Isn't she cuuuuuute!                He makes faces at Eve, who LAUGHS. The Huns gather around                 and make cooing noises at the baby.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                               (to Joxer)                          Who are you? Are you like her prophet                           or something?                                      JOXER                               (missing the                                opportunity)                          No...I'm her babysitter.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                               (impressed)                          The Savior's babysitter. Wow.                Joxer is starting to get a little puffed up.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          So what's she like?                                      JOXER                          Oh...she's a good girl, Eve. Sometimes                           she floats stuff around and things.                               (pause)                          Want me to get her to do it?                                      HUNS                               (various)                          Yeah. Can you? That'd be cool.                                      JOXER                               (to Eve)                          Eve, do you want to play another                           game of stones?                Nothing happens. Joxer lowers his head a little closer to                 hers.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                               (sotto voce)                          C'mon, Evie. Do me a favor and Uncle                           Joxer will buy you a racing chariot                           when you're old enough to drive.                A FRYING PAN comes floating out of the kitchen.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                               (to Eve)                          Close enough.                He reaches up and takes the frying pan in one hand, trying                 to juggle both it and Eve without dropping one or the other.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                               (to Genghis)                          There.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                               (very impressed)                          You can get her to do stuff like                           that? Cool.                The Huns all nod agreement, and murmur among themselves.                                      UNFORTUNATE HUN                          Unless it's done with wires.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          It's not wires.                                      UNFORTUNATE HUN                          It could be. You could take wires                           and like--                                      GENGHIS KHAN                               (to Joxer)                          Excuse me.                He walks over and breaks Unfortunate Hun's neck.                 Unfortunate Hun drops to the floor, where the other Huns                 shuffle aside so as not to step on him.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          Someone take him away so he doesn't                           mess up this guy's house.                He walks back to Joxer, who is of course very alarmed by all                 this and twists away slightly, shielding Eve.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          Sorry about that. We don't want to                           be disrespectful to the Avatar.                                      HUNS                               (various)                          No. No way, man.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          We Huns do not like it when people                           are disrespectful. Don't allow it.                           Anybody else around here acting                           disrespectful to her we can take                           care of for you?                                      JOXER                               (hackles falling                                slightly)                          No...                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          'Cause you're the man in charge. You                           name it.                Joxer puffs up again, larger than before.                                      JOXER                          Well, she doesn't need to go for her                           nap for another couple of hours. If                           you wanted to stay and see if she'll                           Avatar some more...                EXT. QUEEN'S HUT -- AFTERNOON                INT. QUEEN'S HUT - CONTINUOUS                ANGLE ON FRONT DOOR                Gabrielle wearily pushes her way into the hut.                                      GABRIELLE                          Hi honey, I'm h--                She stops in her tracks.                ANGLE ON ROOM                which is full of Huns. Huns on the floor, Huns in the chairs,                 Huns playing dice on the floor, Huns playing go at the kitchen                 table, Huns examining doilies, Huns drinking, Huns eating,                 Huns talking. Joxer and Genghis are sitting on the couch                 with Eve.                                      JOXER                          Hi, Gabrielle. I'd like you to meet                           Genghis Khan.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Hi. I'm Genghis Khan.                                      JOXER                               (indicated room)                          And this is his horde.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Pleased to meet you.                                      JOXER                          This is Queen Gabrielle. She's...                               (thinks about it,                                decides to go ahead)                          my woman.                                      GABRIELLE                               (very very pleasant)                          Your what?                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          An Amazon Queen?                               (punches Joxer on the                                shoulder)                          Way to go.                Gabrielle walks a little further into the room.                                      GABRIELLE                               (still very very                                pleasant)                          What are these...people doing here?                                      JOXER                          Oh, they came to worship Eve.                Eve waves her hands at Gabrielle and gurgles in agreement.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Yeah, he invited us in. He's a pretty                           cool guy.                                      GABRIELLE                          OUT! Everybody -- OUT!                The Huns look at her with mild interest.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Pissy little bugger, isn't she?                                      JOXER                          You don't know the half of it.                Gabrielle stamps her foot, and points at the door.                                      GABRIELLE                          I MEAN it!                                      GENGHIS KHAN                               (shrugs)                          We were gonna set up a barbecue                           anyway. Come on, guys.                The Huns troop towards the exit. Joxer puts Eve down on the                 couch and walks Genghis to the door.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                               (to Joxer)                          We'll come back and do some more                           worshipping after dinner.                                      JOXER                          Okay. See ya.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Later. Try to calm her down, okay?                He leaves. Joxer starts looking for a place to hide, but it                 is too late.                                      GABRIELLE                          Huns?! How could you?                                      JOXER                          Xena's told me about Huns. She says                           if they're going start smashing things                           they usually do it right away. I                           figure as long as we treat them with                           a little respect we'll be fine.                                      GABRIELLE                          Fine?! You're insane. No. You're                           stupid. You're stupid AND insane.                           That's a very bad combination, Joxer.                                      JOXER                          Look. They don't mean any harm. I                           wouldn't have ever let them in if I                           thought they were gonna hurt Eve,                           you know that.                                      GABRIELLE                          I don't know what I know any more. I                           thought you were over this.                                      JOXER                          This what?                                      GABRIELLE                          This...this "insane stupidity" thing                           of yours. You just do these weird                           things, and you don't think, and...and                           I thought you had changed.                                      JOXER                          I have changed.                                      GABRIELLE                          No, you haven't. You...                                      JOXER                          I have! I'm not just, y'know, "Joxer,                           do this" and "Joxer, do that" and                           "Joxer, go over there and do men                           stuff and don't bother us". I'm                           important! People respect me now.                           Like Amarice. Well, kinda. And those                           Huns. Genghis Khan thinks I'm a great                           guy! And just because somebody around                           here wants to talk to me for a change                           instead of to you or Xena, you get                           all, all...                                      GABRIELLE                               (very angry; stands                                on toes and gets                                right up in his face)                          Joxer, don't you even think about                           saying it...                                      LYSANDRA (O.S.)                               (outraged)                          Gabrielle! Gabrielle, there are Huns                           in my yard!                Jox and Gab glare at each other. The door slams open, and                 LYSANDRA enters.                                      LYSANDRA (CONT'D)                          Your Huns are barbecuing my horse,                           and they trampled my petunia bed all                           to hell, and I want to know what                           you're going to do about this, and I                           want it fixed now.                                      GABRIELLE                               (still glaring at                                Joxer)                          I'm on it, Lysandra.                She backs away, not breaking eye contact.                                      GABRIELLE (CONT'D)                          Excuse me, Joxer. I have to go deal                           with something IMPORTANT right now.                She and Lysandra leave. Joxer is fuming.                                      JOXER                          Did you see that?                He looks around the room and realizes there is no one there                 to talk to except Eve. He goes back to the couch and picks                 her up.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          Did you? She thinks she can talk                           about my friends like that...The                           Huns aren't such bad guys, are they,                           Eve?                Eve looks solemn and doesn't answer. Genghis and some of the                 horde reenter.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          You ought to come outside. We're                           having an Avatar party. We got steaks                           and everything. Not from your stable,                           of course.                                      JOXER                          Uh...I'm not all that hungry.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          You sent your woman packing? Good                           for you.                                      JOXER                          Uh, well, she's not really...                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Can't let a woman talk back to you,                           that's what I always say.                Genghis leans over and makes silly faces at Eve.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          Coochie-coochie-coo. Yeah, we'll                           have a nice dinner and then we'll                           leave. We're going to need some like                           diapers and stuff. Does she like                           beets?                                      JOXER                          Diapers?                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          You're such a great guy and                           everything, you can keep the mother.                           We'll kidnap a wet-nurse from                           somewhere.                                      JOXER                          For what?                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          For the temple.                He sees Joxer is staring at him without comprehension.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                               (helpfully)                          We're gonna take her back with us                           and put her in a temple where we can                           worship her properly.                                      JOXER                               (tries to smile)                          Oh, really.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Yeah. Right after dinner.                He chucks Eve under her chin.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          Coochie coo. So how long does it                           take the local horses to cook, anyway?                Joxer is still trying to smile, but is looking more than                 faintly ill as we                                                                   FADE OUT:
                                         ACT TWO                INT. QUEEN'S HUT -- LATER                Gabrielle and Xena enter through the front door, Xena looking                 back over her shoulder out at the yard.                                      XENA                          ...don't worry.                                      GABRIELLE                          How can you say not to worry?                                      XENA                          Joxer's right, incredibly enough. If                           they were going to rampage they would                           have done it earlier.                Joxer is waiting for them. He has his hands on his hips and                 he looks uncharacteristically solemn.                                      XENA (CONT'D)                          There you go, Joxer. You were right                           for a change. Don't say I never did                           anything for you.                                      JOXER                          Xena, we got trouble.                Their steps slow as they realize he's serious.                                      JOXER (CONT'D)                          The Khan told me they were going to                           take Eve with them when they leave,                           so they can keep her in one of their                           temples.                Gabrielle looks aghast and starts to say something, but Xena                 holds up her hand for silence. When the silence unexpectedly                 stretches out, Xena prompts.                                      XENA                          And?                                      JOXER                          And that's it. I don't know any more,                           except they're going to finish up                           with their party before they go.                Xena and Gab exchange glances.                                      XENA                          No... I mean the part where you tell                           me how it's not your fault.                                      JOXER                          It is my fault. I let them in here,                           I screwed up.                Xena approaches him, looking genuinely concerned, and lays a                 hand on his forehead.                                      XENA                          Are you feeling all right?                                      JOXER                          I mean it, Xena. You can do whatever                           you want to me later, but right                           now...right now you got to think of                           something to save Eve.                                      GABRIELLE                          We could fight. We'd have the whole                           village behind us, we probably could                           win, but...                                      JOXER                               (finishing her thought)                          ...But too many people could get                           hurt. Maybe if you guys took her and                           got a head start, before the Huns                           realize she's gone...                                      GABRIELLE                               (finishing his thought)                          ...but they've surrounded the house,                           and we have no way of getting her                           past them without them knowing...                Xena, who has remained calm and composed, holds up a hand                 for silence.                                      XENA                          No. We don't have to do any of that.                She takes off her cloak and hangs it up.                                      XENA (CONT'D)                               (unruffled)                          They don't want Eve. They want the                           Avatar.                                      GABRIELLE                          But she is the Avatar, she...                                      XENA                          But what if she wasn't?                Enjoying their discomfiture, she nods a very self-                satisfied Xena nod.                EXT. QUEEN'S HUT -- NIGHT                The remains of the Huns' bonfire (and several smaller ones,                 including one in the thatched roof of Lysandra's hut) are                 still flickering.                INT. QUEEN'S HUT -- CONTINUOUS                Genghis and all the surviving Huns troop into the house.                 Joxer and Gab are in the main room.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                          Good party. Shame you guys missed                           it.                                      JOXER                          We were...busy.                                      GENGHIS KHAN                               (approvingly)                          Ah!                He punches Joxer on the shoulder again.                                      GENGHIS KHAN (CONT'D)                          You dog, you. Well, it's been great,                           but we don't want to outstay our                           welcome, so if it's all the same to                           you we'll just take the Avatar and                           go.                                      GABRIELLE                          Of course. Just a minute.                She turns toward the nursery and bumps into an invisible           &nbs