by Dharma Bum
Copyright 2000
DOGS IN CLOVER "Ordinary Amazons" Show #6 TEASER FADE IN: INT. QUEEN'S HUT -- MORNING A bucolic morning, save for the sounds of construction very audible O.S. -- HAMMERING, SAWING, and Amazon construction workers TALKING unintelligibly among themselves. Suddenly the talk resolves itself into a series of HOOTS and CATCALLS. AMAZON CONSTRUCTION WORKERS (O.S.) Hey baby! Shake it again for us! Woohoo! The front door opens, and JOXER backs hurriedly into the room, holding a SCROLL which he has apparently just picked up from outside; he glares out the door before firmly and rather quickly shutting it, and pauses a second to collect himself before walking into the room. A visibly grumpy XENA enters from the nursery on the other side of the hut. XENA What in Tartarus are they doing out there this early in the morning? JOXER They have to get the hut done before the ambassador gets here, I guess. He hands her the scroll. JOXER (CONT'D) Here, I got you the morning scroll. There's a story about it in there, I think. Xena takes the scroll and unrolls it. She scans it quickly, then shrugs and hands it back. XENA I still don't understand what Gabrielle thinks this is going to accomplish. Why would anybody want to wake up every morning and read all this nonsense before breakfast? (shrugs) Still, I suppose it's giving Amarice something to do. JOXER Yeah. Something actually suited to her talents. Xena looks sharply at him as he walks into the kitchen. She pauses a moment before she speaks. XENA Not one of her best ideas--but I suppose her finally getting the tribe from the western side of the valley reunited with this one more than makes up for it. JOXER Twice as many Amazons in one place. Just what the world needs. He bangs pots around irritably. XENA We're a little tense this morning. JOXER Tense, why should anybody be tense? The ambassador from the western tribe is coming (bangs pots) this morning scroll thing's a big success, or would be if Tonya could learn to throw it on the step instead of in the flowerbed (bangs pots) and Rhysis is back. What's there to be TENSE about? XENA Ah. Joxer continues to fuss with the pots. He is not cooking anything. XENA (CONT'D) Well, you knew Rhysis was going to come back sooner or later. JOXER (surly) Yeah. XENA You knew why we came here in the first place. JOXER I don't wanna talk about it. XENA You should do something to take your mind off it. JOXER There's nothing to do. XENA Why don't you go clean the stable? JOXER I don't wanna clean the stable. XENA Go out and get some fresh air and get your mind off things. Joxer gives up on the pots. XENA (CONT'D) You stay cooped up in the house all day. Go for a walk. Joxer heads for the back door. JOXER You sound like my mother. He leaves. Xena calls after him. XENA And put on a sweater. It's cold out. She remains still for a moment, considering. XENA (CONT'D) I sound like my mother. FADE OUT:
ACT ONE INT. RHYSIS' HUT -- DAY This is the main room of the village shaman's hut. It is a round room, with an outer door and two curtained doorways spaced roughly equidistant around the circle. A large fireplace, maybe larger than necessary, is located between the two curtained doorways, and the rest of the wall space is taken up with shelving on which are neatly filed dozens of scrolls, interspersed here and there with various shamanic tchotchkes. On one side of the room is a large wooden desk; on the other a couple of comfortable-looking chairs and a Roman-style backless couch, raised at one end, with tufted- leather upholstery. The front door eases open slowly, and GABRIELLE peers inside. GABRIELLE Hello? There is no answer, and she enters the hut, closing the door carefully behind her. After an indecisive pause, she makes her way to one of the chairs and sits down, where she fidgets nervously and fingers the RING on her hand. RHYSIS (O.S.) Hello? Gabrielle looks up as RHYSIS enters through one of the curtained doorways. She is a tall woman of indeterminate age, with an open, friendly expression. She is wearing what is by Amazon standards a very plain outfit, and there is not a single feather visible on her. GABRIELLE Oh...hello. I'm waiting for the shaman. RHYSIS You found her. She offers Gabrielle her hand. RHYSIS (CONT'D) I'm Rhysis...and you must be the new Queen? GABRIELLE Ah...Gabrielle. They shake hands. Rhysis turns Gabrielle's hand over for a moment to get a good look at the ring, then releases it. She sits down and they face each other. RHYSIS So. GABRIELLE So. There is a moment's silence. RHYSIS Well...I've heard a lot about you. GABRIELLE Oh. (rolls eyes) from Amarice? RHYSIS No...Cyane. GABRIELLE Oh...Cyane. They both GROAN to themselves at the same time, then look at each other in surprise and laugh. RHYSIS So. How can I help you? I already heard one story from Cyane...now I'd like to hear it without the added hysteria. GABRIELLE Oh...it's very simple, really. Aphrodite hit me with a marriage spell, and I was hoping you could lift it. Rhysis nods. RHYSIS All right. Let's see-- Gabrielle fidgets. RHYSIS (CONT'D) Why don't you lie down on the couch? ANGLE ON COUCH as Gabrielle nervously does so. She fidgets apprehensively as o.s. we can hear Rhysis get up and rummage through some drawers. As Rhysis reapproaches the couch, Gabrielle visibly takes a deep breath and closes her eyes, staunchly preparing herself for whatever is going to happen. RHYSIS (O.S.) (CONT'D) Okay. Let's get started then. Despite herself, Gabrielle opens her eyes--and blinks. ANGLE ON RHYSIS She is sitting in the chair again, and is holding a WAX TABLET and a STYLUS. RHYSIS (CONT'D) Tell me everything you remember about the spell being cast. Gabrielle lifts her head. GABRIELLE Uh, where-- RHYSIS What? GABRIELLE Where's your stuff? You know, the... (waves hand) stuff. RHYSIS You mean, the skins, the herbs, the rattles, the (very good Alti imitation) dire pronouncements? GABRIELLE And the antlers. Don't forget the antlers. RHYSIS Window dressing. GABRIELLE I was expecting more like the, well, you know-- (realizes she's about to say it but can't help herself) traditional... RHYSIS I'll tell you a secret. Even with traditional shamans, ninety percent of that's just done for effect. GABRIELLE Really? (thinks for a moment) Then if you didn't do any of that, what did you do at the conference? RHYSIS Mostly we drank a lot...and told penis jokes. (picks up stylus) So...let's begin. EXT. SIDE YARD -- LATER Outside the Queen's hut, near the overgrown HEDGE that marks the boundary of the property. Joxer is leaning on a rake, looking over the hedge at the activity going on o.s. AMAZON CONSTRUCTION WORKERS (O.S.) Yo, sweetheart! Blow us a kiss! He rolls his eyes as Xena comes walking up. XENA Just ignore them. She hears what she has just said and frowns to herself. XENA (CONT'D) Uh, so has the ambassador arrived yet? JOXER I don't think so. Lots of wagons going in and out, but so far doesn't look like anyone moving in...just setting up. (pause) She has a hot tub. XENA Joxer, don't even-- JOXER --don't even think about it, yeah, yeah, I know. I thought maybe I should fix up the yard a little on this side so they get a nicer view. Maybe a trellis. XENA (shakes head) If they don't like you for who you are, they're not really your friends. She looks startled again at hearing herself say this. Joxer doesn't notice and goes on. JOXER Wouldn't hurt, though. I'll go down to the supply hut after lunch and see if they have any decent wood. XENA Wipe your feet before you go into the house, they're all muddy. She looks astonished, but keeps talking. XENA (CONT'D) And wash your hands before you eat. Horrified, she clamps her own hands over her mouth to stop herself saying anything further. JOXER (grumbling) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't nag. He leaves. Xena gives herself a few seconds, then with a sigh of relief takes her hands away from her mouth. XENA (realizes she's about to say it but can't help herself) If you keep making a face like that it'll stick that way! INT. RHYSIS' HUT -- LATER Gabrielle is still lying on the couch and Rhysis is taking notes on the tablet. GABRIELLE ...and so Xena said she thought you might be able to undo the spell, because your methods were unique. RHYSIS Mnh-hmh. GABRIELLE But Xena didn't mean anything by it, because that's just the way Xena is. She's kind of blunt, Xena. RHYSIS Mnh-hmh. GABRIELLE And then...and then Xena brought us here, and now we're here. And, um...that's it. RHYSIS Mnh-hmh. Interesting. GABRIELLE Yeah? RHYSIS Mnh-hmh. There is a pause. GABRIELLE So. Can you break it, d'you think? RHYSIS Tell me something. GABRIELLE Sure. RHYSIS You're married to Xena? GABRIELLE (laughs) No! Don't be silly. I'm married to Joxer. RHYSIS Do you realize this is the first time you've told me his name? GABRIELLE Really? (considers) Oh...I'm sorry. I forgot about him, I guess. RHYSIS Do you do that a lot? GABRIELLE Look. You don't know about Joxer. He's always...there. He's kind of like (thinks) fungus. RHYSIS I see. (makes notes) Would you consider that a flattering comparison? GABRIELLE Okay, okay, it's not the best metaphor. But, uh...Joxer's kind of hard to come up with metaphors for. He's (thinks again) unique. RHYSIS He must be, or else you wouldn't have used him in the spell. No, the reason I asked was that you kept telling me Xena said this, and Xena did that, and I was wondering...what did Gabrielle do? Gabrielle partly sits up. GABRIELLE Gabrielle got the spell put on her, if you remember. RHYSIS Gabrielle, repeat to me again what Aphrodite told you. GABRIELLE She told me that I didn't know what I really felt, and until I made up my mind, she wouldn't be able to break the spell. RHYSIS When she asked you to make up your mind about what you really felt-- what exactly do you think she was referring to? GABRIELLE (not quite looking at Rhysis) Uh, I don't know. RHYSIS Can you guess? GABRIELLE Uh (fingers the ring) I'm not really sure. (brightly) What do you think? RHYSIS Come now, Gabrielle. You're an intelligent woman. You're a bard. You're a Queen. If somebody told you this story, what would you say? GABRIELLE (without thinking) Well, I'd say they were trying to avoid the subject. (looks at Rhysis) That wasn't nice. RHYSIS Sorry. It's a shaman trick. GABRIELLE And I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to agree with what Aphrodite thinks. RHYSIS What does Aphrodite think? GABRIELLE What (emphasis on the name) Aphrodite thinks, apparently, is that I used Joxer in the spell because I lo-- because I wanted him or something, instead of because of him always being there, like the fungus. RHYSIS So you think that it might have been any man you knew? That it could have been any of your male friends, or even a passing acquaintance who just happened to be on the dock at that time? GABRIELLE No. Yes. I mean, no. I mean... (stares at Rhysis) So, can you break the spell or not? RHYSIS Ultimately, I think so. We're going to need to work together on this, and it's going to be hard. You're going to have to face a lot of things about yourself, which I'm sure you can do--you're a very strong, intelligent woman, and... GABRIELLE Wait a minute here. Wait a minute. She sits up. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) You know, that sounds almost exactly like what Aphrodite said. RHYSIS It is, basically. The only difference is you can break this spell yourself if you try, and not have to be dependent on the whim of a god to do it. GABRIELLE No, see. I don't want to do that. RHYSIS I know. You'd rather have the rattles and the antlers and the dire pronouncements...but, Gabrielle, those kind of things never work permanently. They only solve the symptoms, never the problems. GABRIELLE I don't have any problems. (stands up) Joxer, he has nothing but problems. Aphrodite? All you have to do is look at the way she dresses. Even Xena. Even Xena has problems. Me, I don't have any problems. Rhysis starts to say something, but Gab keeps going. GABRIELLE (CONT'D) (loudly, in order to drown out whatever it is Rhysis is about to say) The only problem I have is getting this stupid spell undone, and if you can't do it then I'm going to find somebody who can. She turns and stalks out of the hut, slamming the front door behind her. Rhysis watches her go, and shakes her head. FADE OUT:
ACT TWO INT. SUPPLY HUT -- AFTERNOON A large hut, crowded with shelves and stacks of things Amazons might need for the Amazon good life -- jars, urns, boxes, bundles of dried herbs, swords, spears, very small brown leather bras, etc. Several Amazons are browsing among the shelves. Joxer is rummaging through some wooden slats and premade pieces of lattice-work amidst the gardening supplies against one wall. He leans over to pick up something that has caught his eye and studies it dubiously. It is a flat cut-out piece of wood shaped and painted to look like a barbarian bending over from the back side. He frowns and puts it down again. In the background Xena appears in the doorway of the hut, looking stressed; she sees Joxer and heads straight for him. XENA Joxer! JOXER Hi, Xena. He picks up a piece of wood and examines it critically. XENA Joxer, I need your help. Joxer does a small double-take, blinking. JOXER You need my...? XENA Over here. She grabs him by one arm and drags him into the middle of the room, away from anyone who might hear. JOXER (preening) What can I do for you? What? XENA Joxer. Joxer, you've got to help me. I'm turning into my mother. She stares deeply into his eyes for a few seconds before she realizes his return stare is utterly uncomprehending. XENA (CONT'D) I've started talking like my mother and I can't stop. JOXER Well. Well... (has to think about it) Is that a bad thing? Xena glares. He looks aside nervously. XENA Look at me when I'm talking to you. (catches herself) See? Like that. JOXER Oh (relieved) That's not so bad. Cyane tells me to do worse stuff all the time. XENA Cyane. If Cyane jumped off the Acropolis, would you jump off too? (aggravated noise) See! See? There! I did it again! JOXER Well...stop. XENA I CAN'T stop. I've been trying and I CAN'T STOP. She starts to pace in a small, frenzied circle. XENA (CONT'D) You know what it is? It's this keeping house and this feeding babies and this noisy next-door neighbors. It's all this (gestures) this domesticity, and this bland suburban...it's like it's choking me, y'know, it's like it's oppressing my soul so much I can't breathe... She is hyperventilating a little and appears to be on the edge of an anxiety attack. Joxer freaks. JOXER Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh...here. He fetches a chair. JOXER (CONT'D) Here. Sit down. (pushes Xena into the chair) Breathe. Put your head down and breathe. You should breathe into a bag. Where's a bag? Would you like some water? I'll get some water. Is there any water around here? Where's the water? XENA (roaring suddenly) JOXER! He freezes. XENA (CONT'D) Sit! Obediently he drops in his tracks, sitting on the floor in front of her. Xena takes a deep breath. XENA (CONT'D) There. There...that's better. It's gone, I think. She takes another couple of breaths before she gets out of the chair. XENA (CONT'D) Yeah, it's gone. Focus. That's all that was missing. I just needed something to focus on. She offers him her hand and pulls him to his feet. XENA (CONT'D) All this "mellow"...this is not me. JOXER No, it's not. (sees the look she gives him at this) I mean... XENA I think I'll go home and shut up those noisy cretins next door. Give us some peace and quiet, and give me something to...focus on. JOXER Okay. XENA Come on. You won't have to fix up the side yard after all. She puts a hand on his shoulder to steer him out the door, then stops and examines him critically. XENA (CONT'D) Don't slouch. JOXER Kay. They head for the door. XENA And don't mumble. JOXER No ma'am. XENA (as they exit through the door) And when was the last time you changed that shirt?... INT. RHYSIS' HUT -- LATER Rhysis is sitting at her desk with a scroll and a quill, carefully transcribing the notes from her wax tablet. There is a KNOCK at the door. RHYSIS Come in. The door cracks open, and Gabrielle peers inside. GABRIELLE Uh...may I come in? RHYSIS Of course. Gabrielle comes in. She is obviously nervous and embarrassed,and stands just inside the entranceway after closing the door, fussing with her ring. GABRIELLE Rhysis, I, um...I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier. RHYSIS Ah, forget about it. GABRIELLE No. No, I shouldn't have lost my temper. It's not your fault about the stupid spell and...everything, and...and I'm sorry. RHYSIS Apology accepted. (gestures to a chair) Would you like to sit down? Gabrielle looks reluctant. RHYSIS (CONT'D) No shaman tricks or anything. Just girl talk. GABRIELLE That would be lovely. She pulls up one of the chairs and sits down. RHYSIS Fine. Give me a second to finish this up, and I'll go make a pot of herb tea. GABRIELLE What are you doing? RHYSIS Transcribing my notes. See, I keep records of all the consultations I do. I've found people often have the same problems as many other people had before them, but they just don't realize it. (a beat) Those people who have problems, of course. GABRIELLE (embarrassed smile) Of course. RHYSIS Who are not you. GABRIELLE Right. She waits a moment until Rhysis' attention is turned back to the scroll, then leans forward a little, trying to read it. RHYSIS (without looking up) It's not yours. Gabrielle sits back up straight, embarrassed at being caught out. RHYSIS (CONT'D) I've erased my notes on that. If you don't want to proceed any further, I don't have any right to keep what you've said. GABRIELLE Well...it's really not that big a deal. RHYSIS And, of course, even if you did want to work more on it, I would never let anyone else read the scrolls, or know what you said. GABRIELLE Not anyone? (pause) Not even... RHYSIS