Dogs In Clover, Show #2
Barring Complications

by Dharma Bum

Copyright 2000



                 

                                 DOGS IN CLOVER

                             "Barring Complications"

                                     Show #2

                                          TEASER

               FADE IN:

               INT. INN ROOM - EVENING

               Continuous from previous episode.  It is the evening of that 
               same day.  XENA is sitting in a chair, cradling EVE.  
               GABRIELLE is lying on her back on one of the beds, hands 
               behind her head, staring at the ceiling.  Except for Xena's 
               rocking Eve slightly, nothing happens for at least thirty 
               seconds before Xena speaks.

                                     XENA
                         Well.  You were right.  This certainly 
                         is a change from the usual.

               Gabrielle doesn't move.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         I don't know if I would call it a 
                         "good" change, but hey, you know 
                         best.

               No response from Gabrielle.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         Yes, it's nothing like camping out 
                         in the woods.  The woods are so quiet.

               Still no response.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         And dull.  Nothing ever happens in 
                         the woods.  Not like here.

               Still no response.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                         I don't really think I can take all 
                         this big-city excitement.  I'm not 
                         as young as I used to be.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (looking at the ceiling)
                         Do you ever think about life?

                                     XENA
                         When there's some around to remind 
                         me of it, yes.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         And how it really, really sucks?

               Again nothing happens for about twenty seconds or so.

                                     XENA
                         Look, Gabrielle, I appreciate the 
                         thought, but this was obviously a 
                         bad idea.  Let's just go back outside 
                         of town and be on our way tomorrow, 
                         like we planned.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (without moving)
                         No, no.  We're going to stay here 
                         tonight and have a nice change, 
                         remember?  Like... like a little 
                         vacation.  It'll be fun.

                                     XENA
                         Yes, it's been a thrill a minute so 
                         far.

               Gabrielle sits up.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Well, then, we should go... do 
                         something.

                                     XENA
                         What's here to do?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh... this is a harbor town.  I bet 
                         they have all kinds of fun tourist 
                         stuff to do.  We could think of 
                         something.  There's the waterfront.  
                         The agora.
                              (casually)
                         Joxer's here. 

                                     XENA
                              (snorts)
                         Joxer is halfway to Crete by now at 
                         the rate he was going.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, no.

                                     XENA
                         Oh, yes.  You scared him good this 
                         time, I think.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (almost to herself)
                         This isn't good.

                                     XENA
                         I wouldn't worry about it.  He'll 
                         come back sooner or later.  He always 
                         does.
                              (jiggles Eve)
                         Whether you want him to or not.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Yes, but something might happen to 
                         him.

                                     XENA
                         Oh, nothing ever happens to Joxer.  
                         Nothing permanent, anyway.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         He could...he could get beaten up by 
                         Furies.

                                     XENA
                         The only way to get beaten up by 
                         Furies is to have a god sic them on 
                         you, or if you cheat on your wife.  
                         Gods don't notice Joxer.  And he's 
                         not married
                              (pause)
                         because if he was, the Furies would 
                         have gotten him long before this.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Um.  Tell you what.

               She stands up.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         I'm going to go see if I can find 
                         him, and then...and then we can all 
                         have dinner together, or something.  
                         Wouldn't that be nice?

                                     XENA
                         Yes, it would be.  In fact, it would 
                         be exactly what we would be doing if 
                         we had stayed in the woods in the 
                         first place.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         We'll be right back.  You can... you 
                         can go down and talk to people in 
                         the common-room.  The innkeeper said 
                         they have all kinds of activities 
                         here.  They have a pool.  There's a 
                         bridge club...

               She backs towards the door.

                                     XENA
                              (frowns)
                         You seem awful anxious to find Joxer 
                         all of a sudden.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh.  No.  No, I'm not.  I just want 
                         to, y'know, find him.
                              (backs some more)
                         No reason.
                              (hurried)
                         So I'll go find him and we'll be 
                         back soon and you can wait for us, 
                         okay?

               She leaves the room before Xena can say anything else.

                                     XENA
                              (partly to Eve, partly 
                              to herself)
                         You know, I can remember when people 
                         used to listen to me around here.

               Eve laughs.  Xena gives her a (although not The) look.

                                                                   FADE OUT
 

                                         ACT ONE

               EXT. WATERFRONT -- EVENING

               It is near to sunset down on the waterfront.  The buildings 
               along the wharves and the roads are lit from the inside, and 
               their doors are open to the street.  An incredible noise 
               level...talk, laughter, music.  The area is crowded with 
               people, whose demeanor ranges from scruffy to downright weird.  
               A couple of the latter brush by Gabrielle as she wanders 
               down the street, gaping at the spectacle, and she jumps back 
               and brushes herself off.  She stands still, puts her hands 
               on her hips, and looks around.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I don't care who's chasing him.  No 
                         way would he leave a place like this.

               Resolved, she plows off through the crowd, shouldering aside 
               various knots of people of various sexes.  She ducks neatly 
               aside to avoid being bowled over by the crowd, and in doing 
               so bumps into a man who is backing very quickly out of a 
               doorway.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Oh!  Excuse me!

               The man turns around.  It is AUTOLYCUS.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         No, my fault, I--Gabrielle!

               He straightens up and assumes as cool a demeanor as possible.

                                     AUTOLYCUS (CONT'D)
                         How nice to... bump into you.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Um.  It's good to see you, too.

               They look at each other somewhat nervously.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         So, um, what are you doing out here?

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Oh.  Nothing, really.  Just sort 
                         of... hanging around.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Yeah.  Me too.  Just thought I'd 
                         come out tonight...you know
                              (gestures)
                         no reason.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Me either.

               They nod at each other, this settled, and fidget a little.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Uh...you haven't seen Joxer around 
                         here anywhere, have you?

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         No, can't say that I have.  Any 
                         particular reason you're looking for 
                         him?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh...oh, no.  No reason.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                              (nods)
                         Oh.  Okay. 
                              (diffident)
                         Uh...you haven't seen Iolaus around, 
                         have you?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No, not for a while.  Why do you 
                         ask?

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         No reason.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Ah.

               They fidget a little more.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Well, nice seeing you.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (almost simultaneously)
                         Yes, you too.  See you later.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Yes, bye.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Bye.

               Auto backs away and disappears into the crowd as if he is in 
               somewhat of a hurry, and Gabrielle moves on from the spot in 
               the same fashion.  She moves quickly and purposefully along 
               the street, stopping at each doorway and peering inside, 
               then moving efficiently along to the next.

               INT. INN COMMON ROOM -- LATER

               Several women are sitting at tables in the common room, 
               gossiping noisily.

               Most of the women are holding babies, and several toddlers 
               and smaller children are roaming around the room.  Xena enters 
               the room, carrying Eve, looking as cautious and considerably 
               more uncomfortable than if she were entering a dungeon.  She 
               finds a fairly empty table near the back and sits down.  
               Almost immediately a woman holding a baby sits down next to 
               her

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Oh, hello!  I haven't seen you before.  
                         What a beautiful little girl!  Are 
                         you new around here?

                                     XENA
                              (brisk)
                         Just staying the night.  I'm waiting 
                         for some friends.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Well, you picked a good night to do 
                         it.  This is mothers' night.  We all 
                         come here for the evening once a 
                         week and gossip and sit by the pool.  
                         It's really great.

                                     XENA
                              (unenthusiastic)
                         How nice.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                              (nods at Eve)
                         Is that your first?  I know how it 
                         is.  You want to spend all your time 
                         alone

                                     XENA
                              (rather firmly)
                         Yes.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                              (without pausing)
                         with her.  But really, it's so much 
                         fun to be out with other women, doing 
                         fun girl stuff.  Ooh, what a precious.  
                         She is SUCH a darling.
                              (to Eve)
                         Coochie coochie coo.

                                     XENA
                              (obliged to say it)
                         Yours is cute too.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Oh, yes.  This is Nikos!

               She holds NIKOS up, almost in Xena's face.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
                         Say hello to the nice lady, Nikos.

               Nikos burps.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
                         Isn't he just a darling? 

                                     XENA
                         Precious. 

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Isn't he though?  He's just the apple 
                         of his daddy's eye, isn't he?

               She puts him on her shoulder and pats him, whereupon he burps 
               some more.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
                         I bet your husband is so proud of 
                         that little darling too.  Coochie 
                         coochie.

                                     XENA
                         I don't have a husband.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                              (pulls back a little; 
                              somewhat cooler)
                         Oh?

                                     XENA
                         He's... not around any more.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                              (instantly sympathetic)
                         Oh dear.  What a shame, I'm so sorry.  
                         You mean he's
                              (conspiratorial whisper)
                         on the other side?

                                     XENA
                         Yeah.  You could say that. 

                

               EXT. END OF WATERFRONT -- NIGHT

               It is considerably later, and fully dark.  Although there 
               are still quite a few people in the street, there are only a 
               few buildings here just before the wharves and harbor begin.  
               Gabrielle is working through the last of them but no longer 
               with any efficiency or even energy.  She looks in the 
               doorways, moves to the next building, dismisses that one, 
               drags herself across the street to the last TAVERN on the 
               waterfront, looks inside--and sags.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (rolls eyes)
                         It would be the last one, wouldn't 
                         it?

               She enters the TAVERN.

               INT. TAVERN -- CONTINUOUS

               A fairly generic single-room waterfront tavern, with an 
               assorted populace of the same kind of odd, scruffy people we 
               have seen outside, making the same kind of racket.  Some 
               people are sitting at tables, some are standing around 
               talking, some are standing at the actual bar itself.  Among 
               the latter we see JOXER and IOLAUS.  Gabrielle pushes her 
               way across the room to them.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         There you are.

               They both turn around at the sound of her voice.  Iolaus 
               looks pleased and surprised.  Joxer, on the other hand, makes 
               a great show of turning his back to her.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         I've been looking all over for y--
                         Oh, Iolaus.  Hi!

                                     IOLAUS
                         Hi!  Great to see you!

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, it's good to see you too.

                                     JOXER
                              (theatrically sulking)
                         I'm not talking to you.

                                     IOLAUS
                         So, how've you been?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, fine, fine.  What's up?

                                     IOLAUS
                         Oh, Furies are after me and Herc 
                         because of that Zeus thing.  The 
                         usual.

                                     JOXER
                         I wouldn't talk to you if you begged 
                         me.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Gods, I know how that is.  Can't 
                         even stand still for like a day, it 
                         seems lately.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Yeah, it's a lot of stress.  We're 
                         thinking of going to Eire for a while 
                         and kick back.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Sounds like a good idea.

                                     JOXER
                         Not if you begged me on your knees.  
                         On your knees and wearing nothing 
                         but a, a begging thing.
                              (considers)
                         And some goat cheese.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, Joxer, stop sulking and come on.  
                         We have to go back to the inn.

                                     IOLAUS
                              (to Jox)
                         Ooh.  She gives orders.

                                     JOXER
                         Tell me about it.

                                     IOLAUS
                         It's kind of cute.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Joxer...NOW.

                                     JOXER
                              (to Iolaus; indicates 
                              the bruise on his 
                              jaw)
                         Did I show you this?  She gave this 
                         to me.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Tsk tsk.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, for pity's sake.

               She shoves herself onto a barstool next to Joxer and slaps 
               her hand, the one wearing the RING, on the countertop for 
               emphasis.

                                     JOXER
                         So help me, I'm not going to--
                              (catches sight of the 
                              ring)
                         Oooh.

                                     IOLAUS
                         What?

                                     JOXER
                              (takes Gabrielle's 
                              hand and looks closer 
                              at the ring)
                         Pretty.

                                     IOLAUS
                              (impressed)
                         Some rock.

               Gabrielle pulls her hand away.

                                     JOXER
                              (still staring, 
                              fascinated)
                         Shiny.

                                     IOLAUS
                              (to Jox)
                         Yours?  Looks like one of Aphrodite's--

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (loudly)
                         Iolaus, didn't you say you had 
                         somewhere to go?

                                     IOLAUS
                         No.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Eire or something?

                                     IOLAUS
                         Not right this minute.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Or someone to meet?  What about 
                         Autolycus?

               Iolaus jumps.

                                     IOLAUS
                         What about him?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I saw him earlier.  He said he was 
                         looking for you.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Oh.  He was?
                              (a beat)
                         Did he say where he was going?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No.  He was just wandering around 
                         the street
                              (waves vaguely)
                         up there.

                                     JOXER
                              (following the motion 
                              of the ring)
                         Ooh.

                                     IOLAUS
                         I'd...better go find him.

               He slides off the barstool.

                                     IOLAUS (CONT'D)
                         Uh...no reason.

               He shrugs, elaborately indifferent, before leaving.  Joxer, 
               too fascinated by the ring to notice, grabs for Gab's hand 
               again, but she's too quick for him.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Stop that.  We have to go.

                                     JOXER
                              (remembering all of a 
                              sudden)
                         I'm not talking to you.

               He folds his arms on the bar and assumes a wounded air.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         You are talking to me.

                                     JOXER
                         I'm talking to you, but I'm not 
                         TALKING to you.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No, I mean we have something important 
                         to discuss, and we are going back to 
                         the inn, and we are going to discuss 
                         it, NOW.

                                     JOXER
                         I can't hear you.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Oh, for...

                                     JOXER
                         It's too noisy in here and I can't 
                         hear you.

               The volume of their conversation starts to increase 
               noticeably.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         You are impossible, you know that?  
                         You are absolutely impossible.

                                     JOXER
                         I'm impossible?  I'm not the one who 
                         goes around hitting people after 
                         they save people's lives after they 
                         almost drown to death, practically.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I'm not the one who goes around 
                         copping feels on the dock afterwards, 
                         either.

                                     JOXER
                         Copping f-- You were the one who...

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (quickly)
                         I did NOT.  Whatever it was you were 
                         going to say, I did NOT do it, and I 
                         don't CARE whether you thought I 
                         did.

                                     JOXER
                         I'm not going anywhere with you and 
                         that's final.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (loud)
                         Joxer.  Off the chair, outside, NOW.

                                     JOXER
                              (loud)
                         Don't give me orders.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (very loud)
                         I'll give all the orders I want.

                                     JOXER
                              (very loud)
                         You're not my mother.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (extremely loud, just 
                              as everyone else in 
                              the tavern falls 
                              silent)
                         I'm your WIFE.

               There is a beat, during which Gabrielle slowly realizes 
               everyone is staring at her.  Joxer blinks.  She turns back 
               to him, chastened, and speaks in a normal tone.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Something happened with one of 
                         Aphrodite's spells during that fight 
                         on the dock, and we accidentally 
                         wound up married.

                                     JOXER
                              (shell-shocked)
                         Married.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I can not BELIEVE my life lately.

               Joxer's expression softens.  If he were not Joxer we might 
               almost think it thoughtful.  Gabrielle doesn't notice this.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Everything SUCKS.  Dying and coming 
                         back and angels and miracle babies 
                         and dead gods and twilights and...

               Joxer's expression is now definitely in the "sappy" range.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         and now THIS.  What a stupid MESS.

               The expression disappears.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         I mean, this is the WORST of all.  I 
                         mean, it can't GET any worse.

               He turns to look at her.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         So I want you to come with me so we 
                         can go back to the inn and figure 
                         out how to get out of it, because 
                         it's the biggest, stupidest mess 
                         I've ever seen in my entire life.

               Joxer stands up, still looking at her, and for some reason 
               she flinches.  He repeats himself, but very quietly this 
               time.

                                     JOXER
                         I'm not going anywhere with you.

               He turns around and walks away, leaving her sitting on the 
               barstool.

                                                                   FADE OUT
 
                                         ACT TWO

               FADE IN:

               EXT. INN POOL -- NIGHT

               The pool area is lit with torches, and the women, babies, 
               and small children who were earlier inside are now out here.  
               The women are sitting in deck chairs in small groups.  Some 
               small children run across the scene, shrieking loudly, as 
               Xena and Nikos' mother place Nikos and Eve into a playpen.  
               The camera follows them as they go sit down nearby, the 
               playpen winding up just off-screen.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         See?  Isn't this fun?

                                     XENA
                              (unwillingly)
                         Yeah.  Kinda.  It's a change in the 
                         routine, anyway.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Oh, I know.  All day in the house, 
                         watching children, baking bread, 
                         dusting...it takes a lot out of you.

                                     XENA
                         Uh-huh.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         But it's all worth it in the end, 
                         isn't it?

               She gazes fondly o.s. at Nikos.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER (CONT'D)
                         I can't get over Eve.  Such a little 
                         angel.  I just love babies.  Don't 
                         you just love babies?

               Xena looks o.s. at Nikos and Eve as well, and her expression 
               softens.

                                     XENA
                              (goofy grin)
                         Yeah.

               Too late she realizes she's smiling and stops abruptly, 
               glancing around quickly to see if anyone noticed.  Nikos' 
               mother has not.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         They're so wonderful.
                         And so sweet, and so adorable, and 
                         their little round faces, sometimes 
                         I could swear they're positively 
                         glowing...
                              (voice trails off)
                         Uh... is she supposed to be glowing 
                         like that?

                                     XENA
                         Yeah.  Pay it no mind.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Oh.

                                     XENA
                         There's nothing wrong with her, if 
                         that's what you mean.

                                     NIKOS' MOTHER
                         Oh, no, no, it's just that...
                              (pause)
                         When I said she was a little angel, 
                         I just didn't think I meant it quite 
                         so literally. 

                

               INT. ANOTHER TAVERN -- LATER

               Another one of the sleazy waterfront taverns, another group 
               of sleazy waterfront people, another bar.  Joxer is leaning 
               on the bar, nursing a drink.  Iolaus is on one side of him, 
               and Autolycus the other.  They look cheerful.  Joxer's 
               expression, on the other hand, is reminiscent of nothing so 
               much as one of Xena's.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Women.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Yeah.  Women.

                                     IOLAUS
                         What are you going to do?

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Can't live with 'em, can't live 
                         without 'em.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Plenty of other fish in the sea.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Someone for everyone.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Everything happens for the best.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         When the gods close a door, they 
                         open a window.

                                     JOXER
                         Go away.

                                     IOLAUS
                              (to Autolycus)
                         Yeah, and you crawl right through 
                         it.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Well, at least I have a profession.

                                     IOLAUS
                         You know what we ought to do?  Let's 
                         all go out and do some guy stuff.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Like what?

                                     IOLAUS
                         We could go out drinking.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         We are drinking.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Oh.  Yeah.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Here we are, doing fun guy stuff, 
                         together.

                                     JOXER
                         Go away.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Who needs women, anyhow?

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Women.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Yeah.  Women.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         What are you gonna do?

                                     IOLAUS
                         Can't live with 'em, can't live 
                         without them.

                                     JOXER
                              (studies his drink)
                         You know what they should do?  They 
                         should make up little flasks with 
                         drinks in them, and tie them together 
                         in a bunch, like six or something 
                         all together, so that you could take 
                         them away some place and drink them, 
                         and NOT have anyone bothering you.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Like women.

               He and Iolaus nod sagely.

                                     JOXER
                              (slumps; resigned)
                         Go away.

               Auto and Iolaus make themselves comfortable.

               ANGLE ON DOORWAY

               An extremely tired and bedraggled Gabrielle appears in the 
               doorway.  She stares into the room, then throws her hands in 
               the air and addresses the ceiling.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         It's the last one AGAIN.

               She heads across the room towards the guys.

               ANGLE ON BAR

               They see her coming.  Joxer turns away as before, except 
               this time nervously.  Auto and Iolaus watch her approach 
               with mild interest.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Hi, guys.  Joxer--

               She reaches for his shoulder but he flinches away.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Joxer, come on.  We have to talk.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Uh-oh.  "We have to talk."

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Not a good sign.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Yeah.  You never want to hear "We 
                         have to talk."

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (to Iolaus)
                         Don't you have some place to go?

                                     IOLAUS
                         No.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Not at all.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         What are you two doing here anyway?

               They look nervous all of a sudden.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Um...nothing.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Yeah.  Nothing.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Total coincidence we're here together.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         But we're not here, together, of 
                         course.

                                     IOLAUS
                         No, not at all.

               Joxer still isn't paying any attention to the conversation, 
               but Gab starts to frown, as if she's beginning to suspect 
               something.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Well.  Well, we really should be 
                         going.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Separately.  Not together.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         Yes.  Certainly.

                                     IOLAUS
                              (backing away)
                         See you later.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                              (backing away as well)
                         Night.
                              (to Joxer)
                         Hope the woman thing clears up.

               Gabrielle gives him a look, and he scuttles off with Iolaus.  
               Both she and Joxer watch them go for a moment.
               Gab then turns to him, and he twists his head aside and looks 
               away.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Joxer...

               She moves around to face him.  He twists his head to the 
               other side petulantly, and she moves again.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         Joxer...

               He moves a third time.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                              (annoyed)
                         Stop it.  Stop it, you're making me 
                         dizzy.  Would you...

               She grabs his chin to turn his head to face her, sees the 
               bruise, and stops in mid-sentence.  She bites her lip, then 
               fishes out a handkerchief from somewhere (a good trick, 
               considering that outfit of hers isn't larger than one to any 
               appreciable degree) and dabs at it, clucking.  They fuss for 
               a minute before she lets him go.  Then she sighs, and sits 
               down.  They both lean back against the bar, staring at the 
               floor instead of each other.

                                     JOXER
                              (bitterly)
                         "Big mess".

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I didn't mean it like that.

                                     JOXER
                         Yes you did.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Well...well, what would you call it?

               He doesn't answer.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         I mean, it's a totally impossible 
                         situation.
                              (makes a face)

               He flinches and turns away.

                                     JOXER
                         It's just that--

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Joxer...

                                     JOXER
                              (turns to face her, 
                              suddenly upset)
                         Gabrielle, why do you have to keep 
                         calling it a mess and why do you 
                         have to make a face like that--

               She realizes she is making the face and stops quickly.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                         I mean, I know I'm not...I don't 
                         mind the little things, like the 
                         kissing and the punching and stuff 
                         like that, but this--You come in 
                         here and you tell me something, 
                         something I want more than anything 
                         else in the world, something I can't 
                         even think about half the time because 
                         it hurts too much, and you know that.  
                         You know all of that, and yet you 
                         come in here and first of all, you 
                         tell me, and then you say how it's a 
                         "mess" to you and "impossible" and 
                         the faces and everything.  And, and...

               He runs out of steam all at once and slumps.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (sighs)
                         I'm sorry.

                                     JOXER
                              (mumbling)
                         S'okay.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No, you're right.  I guess I wasn't 
                         very tactful about it.

                                     JOXER
                         You didn't even need to say anything, 
                         you know.  I mean, if it was such a 
                         mess and everything.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No.  Aphrodite said if you didn't 
                         know about the spell, you might get 
                         into trouble.  I wouldn't want that.

                                     JOXER
                              (perking a little)
                         Really?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Of course not.  Don't be silly.  You 
                         really think I would want you to get 
                         beaten up by Furies or something?

                                     JOXER
                         I don't know.  You kind of confuse 
                         me sometimes.  I'm not sure what you 
                         want.

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (fingers the ring 
                              absently)
                         Yeah.  That's what Aphrodite said, 
                         too.

               She looks at her hand.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                         She said until I make up my mind 
                         about... some stuff, she can't lift 
                         the spell.  And until then
                              (sighs)
                         we have to be married.

               Joxer looks much more perky at this.

                                     GABRIELLE (CONT'D)
                              (not bothering to 
                              look at him)
                         Joxer, don't even think about it.

               He deflates.  There is a moment's silence, during which they 
               both appear lost in their own thoughts.

                                     JOXER
                              (sighs)
                         Well, I bet Xena will figure something 
                         out real soon.

               Gabrielle says nothing.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                         Cause she's always good at figuring 
                         things like this out, and I bet she's 
                         like got an idea already.

               Gabrielle says nothing.  Joxer glances at her.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                         Cause like when you told her I bet 
                         she thought of something right away

               Gabrielle says nothing.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                              (louder)
                         when you told her.

               Gabrielle says nothing.

                                     JOXER (CONT'D)
                         When you--

                                     GABRIELLE
                         I'm not STUPID.

                                     JOXER
                         Oh, my god.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         She's all grouchy anyway because I 
                         made her stay here tonight while I 
                         tried to get everything straightened 
                         out with Aphrodite.

                                     JOXER
                         Oh, my god.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Don't look at me like that.  I'll 
                         tell her...when the time is right, 
                         is all.

                                     JOXER
                         Oh, my GOD.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Actually, we probably should tell 
                         her together.  That "married" rule 
                         again.

                                     JOXER
                         What "we"?  She's not going to take 
                         a chakram and cut off your--

               Iolaus and Autolycus reappear.  They look frazzled.

                                     IOLAUS
                         Xena's coming.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         She's in a mood.

                                     IOLAUS
                         You didn't see us.

                                     AUTOLYCUS
                         You didn't.
                              (pause)
                         No reason.

               They leave again, very fast.  Gab and Jox barely have time 
               to regroup before Xena comes up to them, carrying Eve and 
               looking as cranky as hell.

                                     XENA
                         There you are.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Um.

                                     JOXER
                         Um.

                                     XENA
                         What in Zeus' ex-name are you doing 
                         in here?  I thought you were coming 
                         right back.

                                     GABRIELLE
                         Uh...nothing.

                                     JOXER
                         Nothing.

               They fidget.  Xena doesn't notice.

                                     XENA
                         I've been stuck for the past three 
                         hours in housewife hell, and you're 
                         hanging around doing "nothing".  
                         Both of you.  Outside.  NOW.

               They look at each other.

                                     XENA (CONT'D)
                              (coldly)
                         Is there anything I should know?

                                     GABRIELLE
                              (fast)
                         No.

                                     JOXER
                              (faster)
                         No.

                                     XENA
                         Then is there any reason we are not 
                         moving?

                                     GABRIELLE
                         No.

                                     JOXER
                         No reason.

               It is obvious this is not going to be a good time for long 
               explanations.  They look at each other once more then, 
               defeated, scurry o.s. towards the door.  Xena glares after 
               them for a minute.

                                     XENA
                              (to Eve)
                         Never any Furies around when you 
                         need them.

               She follows them o.s. as we

                                                                   FADE OUT


Continued in Episode Three: "Less Than Perfect"!