CHARACTERS:
Joxer, Warrior Wannabe

Rating: PG-13
Genre: Xena: Warrior Princess
Violence: Yes
Subtext: No
Sex: None
Spoilers: Just about every Joxer episode

Warning: Major angst ahead. Tissue Alert.

Unbreak My Heart
by Toni Braxton

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back that smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when
I held you beside me

Chorus
Unbreak my heart
Say you love me again
Undo this hurt you caused when
You walked out the door and
Walked out of my life
Uncry these tears I cried so many nights
Unbreak my heart

My heart

Take back that sad word goodbye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me.

Chorus

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Chorus

Unbreak my heart, oh baby
come back and say you love me
unbreak my heart, sweet darlin'
without you I just can't go on
{say that you love me
say that you love me
tell me you love me
unbreak my (repeated)}
Can't go on

Joxer, I'm sorry, but I don't, and can't love you like that. Please, don't be mad.

"How can I be mad, Gabby? You only just broke my heart," Joxer murmured, as he stared out the window of his rented room. He had traveled alone for over a week, and had reached Mende, a town far down on the peninsula from Potidaea. His eyes hadn't been dry since that fateful day, when his world had come crashing around his ears. Every morning he arose to find his bedroll soaked in tears. His eyes were sunken from malnutrition, and thin stubble graced his chin.

The full moon shone over the cresting waves, lighting the town as if it were noon. Thousands upon millions of stars twinkled in the night sky. Tonight would have been perfect for a walk along the cliffs at the beach, Joxer thought, as he leaned against the windowsill. He still didn't understand why he had come here. Although, he was beginning to wonder if maybe he had come here, wanting to be near her home, where she was born. As he thought more and more about his choice, he became even more morose. I can't believe I'm here. So close to her home, to HER, but I might as well be in Chin, for all the good it does me. I don't know why I had hoped for anything. I'm just a nobody.

"Please, Gabby, unbreak my heart, say you love me, because without you, I can't go on." He slipped his armor off, and, for once, noiselessly left the inn. He thought about just drowning his troubles in the local ale, but he quickly squashed that thought. I don't need all my problems magnified by alcohol right now. Trying to avoid notice, he crept through the quiet streets of the town, feeling only the ache of his loss. The events of that day exploded in his mind continuously.

"Joxer, I need to talk to you."

"Sure thing Gabby. What's up?"

"Joxer, sit down" Looking back, he realized that right there he should have realized that he would not like this news, but he had naively believed she just wanted him to be comfortable.

"Okay, so, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Joxer, I care about you a lot, and I don't want to see you hurt. You told me that you loved me, and that there were no strings attached. Joxer, I'm sorry, but I don't, and can't love you like that. Please, don't be mad."

Like an idiot, he had just sat there, his soul ripped into pieces too small to re-assemble. He hadn't cried, he hadn't broken down, he had just sat there, his body as rigid as marble. And Gabrielle, beautiful, sweet Gabrielle, had shaken her head and walked away. He still remembered the look of her hair, so much lighter than when he had first met her, almost glowing in the sunlight.

And that's the day I left, and never looked back. And now, here I am, my soul shattered, my heart ripped out, and my future so grim, that even Hell looks like a vacation spot.

He had traveled for days, but it seemed that every town he passed through reminded him of an adventure with his friends. He had tried to avoid towns altogether, but he'd met folks on the road that had recognized him as one of Xena's friends, and had asked where she was. Having to make up an answer, to lie about his feelings, had hurt, but the feeling of loss was just made worse by their unknowing questions.

Now he stood alone. A hollow tree, for his core, his life source, had been removed. He looked at the moonlit sky, as breakers crashed far below him, tears falling freely down his face. He sat on the edge of the precipice, and reflected on his life.

"JOXER! WHERE IS THAT NO GOOD BOY!"

"I-I'm here, father"

"Is Jett right? You stopped him from killing someone?!?"

"Well, she was old, so I..."

*SSS-CRACK*

"Papa, please, no!"

"Stand still, and take it like a man!"

"Hello!"

"Calm down Joxer, we saw ya."

"Great, Well, do you think you can cut me down without dropping me flat on my face?"

"No."

"Can you imagine the two of us in love?"

"Ridiculous."

"Yeah, kinda makes you laugh just to think about it."

"Yeah, ha, ha."

"Well, I guess you all are just going to be looking at me a little bit different now, huh ... aahhh!"

"Nope."

"I think not."

"Same old, same old."

"Look, I just want the old Gabrielle back. You know, the one who used to smack me on the forehead and gouge out my eyes. Just forget everything I've told you. It's not who you are. Except the part about dancing in the rain nude, that is you."

"Joxer ..."

"Jerkster ..."

"I have never, nor will I ever, dance nude in the rain with you anywhere near me."

"OW! Gabby, you're back...OWOWOWOW!"

"Hey, aren't you forgetting about me?"

"No, Joxer, not even Mnemosyne could help her with that."

"Ooo, uh, ooo, ooo, eee."

"I still think you need to do something about Joxer."

"Tomorrow."

"I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you."

"Evidently."

"Sidekick ... I am ten times the sidekick Gabrielle is. Now Zantar, if I ever see that big, fat porker, bulbous behemoth of a hippo I'm gonna tell him ... what a great guy he is."

"Now we have a little insurance in case Xena gets in the way."

"Nice plan ... if I cared."

"Why such a long face? You did it, scored your first kill."

"Go away."

"Oh C'mon, so what if you made some kid an orphan. I've done it hundreds of times and it's no biggie."

"You're the murderer."

"So are you. Keep it up and soon you'll be as bad as me. 'Cuz underneath it all we're just the same, you and me, two bad-ass, butt-kicking, slaughter-happy ..."

"It's a lie, you know, my whole life. I'm not a warrior. What kind of warrior kills somebody and then has nightmares about it every night?"

Oh yeah, my life's been one laugh after another. At least for everyone else, Joxer thought bitterly, as he launched a rock out over the water. The small stone spun silently southward 'cross the silky sky. It fell into the water, the crashing breakers masking the sound. Joxer just sat there, as the sky behind him began to brighten. Fitting. As day breaks, all I can see is darkness and night. Joxer stood, and began to walk along the cliff edge. Stones kicked by his feet dropped hundreds of feet, to disappear in the roiling surf.

"There's nothing left. They never really cared for me, and now everything I cared about, everything I wanted in life, it's all gone. And I'm talking to myself." Joxer shook his head sadly. "Nothin' left." Without a look back, he propelled himself from the edge. His last thoughts before crashing into the churning waves were I love you, Gabrielle...

Author's Note:
I'm really sorry if I've upset anyone, but this story just kinda started writing itself while I was listening to the song. I've never advocated suicide, or even considered it a viable option in any situation, and I'm not doing it here. Why Joxer had to commit suicide, I don't know. But because of how it ended, this story is dedicated to those who are feeling lost and alone, and don't know where to turn.

Special note:
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please find someone to talk to. There are people out there who CAN help, people who have been there, or know someone who has. Suicide Hotlines were set up to help people with this problem. They will answer questions, or refer someone who can. To find the Suicide Crisis Center in your area, contact your local operator or look in the yellow pages. Or you can visit http://www.suicidology.org/crisis_centers_in_y our_area.htm, where there is a state-by-state listing of many helplines. So please remember, every life is precious. Find someone to help, because there is so much to live for.

Please take a moment to write to Excalibos at excalibos@hotmail.com and let him know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles, backstory and dialogues are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "Unbreak My Heart" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 1999 by Christian Dart and is his sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.