Author's Note: You know how we're all mad because of the way X:WP is turning out? Well, I wondered how the stars felt about it. Then I thought, how would Xena and Gabby themselves react to this? This is purely Gabrielle's POV, and if anyone gets offended with anything she has to say, well, fry the bard, not me. ( Yes, I am very sad.) Enjoy (I hope)!!

Dear Mr. Tapeworm:

Hello! This is Gabrielle, the one that great, talented actress Renee O'Connor portrays on your show. I wrote a couple of letters to you, congratulating you on your success with your show. I saw some episodes of Season 5, and they weren't that great. But, I saw your sixth season premiere, and decided to write another. Then came that episode from Hell, "Haunting of Amphipolis". Then there came along "Heart of Darkness", "Where's Gurkhan", and another load of pure Tapert crap. How do you sleep at night, mister?! I liked Evil Dead, yes. And all your other stuff. But never, in all my lifetimes, have I seen such junk as "Legacy". That is why I have created a list. YES, a list! A list of what, you ask? Ohhh...you'll see.

Gabrielle's 10 Reasons why you, Tapeworm Should Cancel This Freak Show now!

10. Eve is boring, sappy, stupid, and talking about Eli's god a lot. This show shouldn't be about Xena's spawn and her stupid GOD, angels, Heaven, etc.!!! (sorry to all you believers, but enough is enough!)

9. Xena should never have converted that witch CALLISTO from Hell to Heaven, making her an angel. Callisto wouldn't have impregnated Xena and then reincarnate unto her unborn seed!! Why does she do this?! Callisto kills my husband, a lotta other people, and caused Solan's death, and Xena sends her to Paradise! I get to Chin before her, and she drags me halfway through Greece!!!!

8. Season 5 would have kicked ass if not for that pregnancy crud. We (Xena and I) wouldn't have been in that icy cave and let 25 years pass us by, Joxer would not have been old and married w/ children (I am not jealous!), our families (save for Lila and Sarah) would be alive, as would most of our closest friends, and we wouldn't have to deal with a Jesus freak! This totally bites!

7. Virgil and I (after discussing it for half the season) dislike Eve. Very much. We despised Livia and fantasized about killing her in many ways. But Eve is worse! Ugh. I'm sorry Xena, but the little spaz must go away, far, far away!

6 . There is no number six. (you know, I never understood this, but I put it down anyway)

5. I miss the gods. Yea, yea, they were bossy at times, and loved toying with mortals. But at least we felt a certain security and some sort of sick love thing with them. Aw, Hades, they were terrible, but these new guys (Michael, Raphael, whatever) freak me out. And why should we convert to these newbies anyway?! They know nothing about us!!

4. Being a warrior is getting to me. My muscles hurt, my hair is very ugly and annoying. And I keep cutting myself when I forget to take off my sais before I go to bed. Everything is so warped. And I killed poor Korah! That is not me. Not me at all! Earth to Tapeworm: stop hiring Messy Bad to write these stories! Everything else is bad enough.

3. 1st and 2nd season were fantastic! Third wasn't as great, but still pretty impressive. Early 4th was okay, but late 4th totally wreaked of weak scripts, too many religions and my pretty hair being cropped when Alti was kicking my ass! 5th was, well...how can you describe 5th?! It could be pretty good for the GJ fans and Joxer-philes 'cause Jox and I were 'ship-potentials, plain torture for subbers and XG fans. Actually, it was pretty amusing to see them squirm in their seats and suffer from SWS (subtext withdrawal syndrome) *BEG*. And all of a sudden, you flushed that dream down the toilet, that was plain evil. Which brings me to that little bad seed: Why wasn't Joxer there for her **squeaky-clean** birth? What, because the ep was serious, and him tripping and acting stupid would be a bit of a stretch?! Tapeworm, it's your show. Do whatever the bloody hell you want with it; isn't that what you've been doing? Oh, Gaia, just too many issues dealing with that. Moving on...

2. I want everything back to normal!! I already have the feeling you're not sending us back home (26 years ago), but geez, let me grow my hair, start writing again, get my staff back from that sodding lake, and be sunny again. And what of Xena's dark, mysterious past? That's what made Xena, well...Xena!! My plans: get Xena back to her dark, humorous (but self-forgiving) state, me back to my lovey-dovey bardic self, kill Eve off now, or send her to the Promised Land (!!!), BRING BACK OUR JOXER, and keep Virgil busy! That kid needs to be of some use, his father was! And where the hell are Hercules and Iolaus (and Auto and Sal)? They didn't just drop from the face of the Earth. Can't you at least let us see them once, so they know we're fine?

And the Number 1 reason to just quit now: What is with this I love you/I hate you/I can't stand you/ I can't live without you saga? Xena and I are friends. Best friends. Soulmates. But what are you doing with us? Where do you want us to go? To do? Are we sisters, or lovers, bff's (best friends forever), enemies, mistress-and-employee...what?! And since when does one person be the reason for another to live? There are many reasons to be alive. Xena cannot be my beginning and end, unless you put it in detail, or make a big deal out of why we should be so close. ::takes a deep breath:: Oh, I cannot continue to rant and rave anymore, because you're not even listening, just nodding your head and..WILL YOU STOP THAT?!

Sincerely,

Gabrielle, the bard.

P.S. Stop sending us Virgil's red shirts! We hate it when that happens!

Please take the time to write to Ariel at wildefaery16@yahoo.com, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, and all other characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2001 by Ariel Greene and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.