Rated: PG-13 (same as some of the earlier seasons)
Genre: Suspense/horror/comedy
Continuity: Continuity? C'mon! This is Xena! Continuity be damned! ;) Okay, probably about late season two or three.
Summary: Queen Cleopatra invites Xena and her friends to Egypt, but someone commits an unspeakable crime and must be punished!
WARNING: This story contains puns, some which may be extremely bad. Those of you with weak constitutions may, in some cases, experience extreme nausea and are hereby warned! Continue reading at your own risk!
Disclaimer: Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus all belong to RenPics. Serramanna is a character I borrowed from a series of books called Ramses. I forgot the author's name. :P The story idea is all mine however!
Author's notes: As always feedback is great appreciated and is all I will get for this little piece of fluff, so please tell me what you thought of it! And lastly, this story is dedicated to my children: Colin, Adrian, Michael, and Maria, who inspire me to be the best I can be! I have learned so much from them.... Thank you!

The dark-haired warrior woman helped her friend finish packing and loaded the saddlebags onto Argo, her faithful palomino mare. Her blonde haired companion was almost finished putting out the fire and their male comrade had just finished packing his own pack.

"Xena, how long do you think until we reach Cleopatra's palace?" the blonde bard asked as she rubbed her neck.

"We should be there by tonight, Gabrielle, as long as we don't run into any more highwaymen along the way. Joxer, you almost ready?" Xena looked at the young man who was struggling to get his pack onto his back. Gabrielle sighed as she went over and helped put it on.

"Yep! I'm ready. Let's get the shoe on the road," he grinned.

Xena took Argo's reins and started leading the party out of the small clearing they had camped in for the night. Gabrielle walked alongside her with Joxer bringing up the rear. A short time later, they came upon a medium sized village. Xena glanced around and smiled as she spied a familiar figure ahead of them. Handing Argo's reins to Gabrielle, she put her finger to her lips and grinned mischievously. The Warrior Princess silently made her way behind the person and quickly grabbed him around the waist as she yelled, "BOO!"

Gabrielle burst out laughing as the man jumped in the air and turned around, ashen-faced. "Xena! You almost gave me a heart-attack!" he gasped.

"Almost? Looks like she did pretty good job to me," Gabrielle smirked as she joined her friend.

Xena smiled at the handsome man in front of her. "So what are you up to, Autolycus?" she asked.

The thief mock-glared at her as he answered. "Well, just for your information, I have been invited to visit Cleopatra!" He grinned as he continued, and a roguish look crossed his face, "Guess she couldn't get enough of the King of Thieves!"

"Or maybe she just wants to throw you in prison," Gabrielle responded with a grin.

Xena put an arm around the thief's shoulders. "Apparently you're not the only one she couldn't get enough of. Why don't you join us? We're heading there ourselves," she said.

Autolycus stroked his goatee and thought for a moment. "Sure, I'll join you guys. As long as I don't have to listen to his singing the whole way," the thief answered as he glanced at Joxer.

"Hey," Joxer protested, "I'll have you know that song made me famous!"

"Yeah, as the worst singer in all of Greece," Autolycus retorted.

Joxer was about to respond, but Gabrielle stopped him with a look. "We'd better get going if we're going to get to the palace before nightfall," the bard said.

The others nodded and the travellers continued on their way to Alexandria.

As they reached the palace, several guards recognized them and immediately opened the gates to the palace and escorted them inside. The companions were led into the throne room where Cleopatra waited for them. She smiled as they approached.

"My friends, it is good to see you again," the queen smiled as she rose to greet her guests. "Are you hungry? I have a banquet prepared."

At the mention of food, both Gabrielle and Joxer licked their lips in anticipation. The queen led them to another room with a large table spread with various foods. She gestured for the travellers to sit and eat, and the bard and the warrior wannabe eagerly loaded their plates with food. Cleopatra smiled as the two ate quickly and loaded their plates with more.

Xena took a small bite of an Egyptian meat dish and swallowed before addressing the queen. "It is wonderful to see you again, Cleopatra. We came as soon as we got your message. What can we help you with?"

"It seems I have a thief in my court," she answered.

"Well, that's obvious," Joxer snickered as he glanced at Autolycus.

Gabrielle stifled a giggle as she saw the King of Thieves glare at Joxer and then turn his gaze to her. She ducked her head and stuffed another Egyptian delicacy into her mouth.

Cleopatra allowed a small smile and then continued. "I have tried many times to catch him, but to no avail. I need your help in determining who is stealing from me. I asked Autolycus here because he is a thief, and may be able to help me determine who is taking my treasures," the queen answered.

"But, why not simply put a guard on duty?" asked Joxer.

"I have tried that, but have been unsuccessful," Cleopatra replied. She turned her brown eyes on the thief. "Autolycus, I want you to spend the night in my treasury. As a thief, you would understand better how to prevent this from happening again." Seeing the concern on Xena's face, she continued, "And if you think you can help yourself to something, I suggest you put the thought out of your mind. There will be guards to escort you to and from the chambers, and you will be searched when you leave. I don't need to remind you what happens to thieves who steal from the royal treasury, do I?"

Autolycus smiled nervously. "Rest assured, queenie. I'll take good care of your treasure."

The queen smiled. "Excellent. I knew I could count on you. Xena, I would like for you and your friends to help my guards tonight," she instructed.

"We'll do our best," Xena replied.

"Good. Now I suggest you all try to get some rest. It will be a long night. I will have someone call for you soon," Cleopatra said.

The four friends agreed and were led to two chambers, Autolycus and Joxer in one, and the girls in the other. They had barely time to settle down when a knock sounded on their doors. They were led to the door to the treasury and Autolycus was led inside. Moments later, the guard left and the door was sealed, with Autolycus inside. Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer were led to the Captain of the Guards' office.

A huge, hulking man sat behind a plain wooden desk. He glanced up as the trio entered and rose to greet them. Gabrielle gasped and stepped back as the man towered above her. His smile reminded her of a crocodile and she offered a timid smile back.

"Hello, Xena," he greeted in a deep voice, and nodded to the others. "I'm Serramanna. Queen Cleopatra has told me much about you and your friends. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sure the queen has already told you what's going on. My men and I are at a complete loss. We're hoping you and your friends can help."

Xena smiled and grasped his arm in the familiar warriors greeting. "We'll do what we can. What did you have planned?"

The captain sighed and shook his head. "I'm not sure. I thought you and your friends could help watch the treasury." He lowered his voice and gazed at Xena with an almost hopeless look. "My men and I are at our wits end. Xena, I've hand-picked my men myself. I know none of them are thieves, but if we don't find the real culprit soon the queen will have us all put to death. You and your friends are our last hope. We've tried everything, but all our attempts have failed."

Xena offered a smile of encouragement to the large man. "Don't worry, Serramanna, we'll catch your thief."

The large man looked out the window overlooking the city. "I hope so, Xena. I certainly hope so."

Autolycus looked around the spacious room. His eyes glistened as he looked at the many valuable vases and statues. A soft thump sounded behind him and he quickly spun around. An exotic cat sat behind the thief, watching him closely. Autolycus breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, hello kitty," the thief smiled.

The cat, apparently tiring of Autolycus, yawned and stretched before standing up. Glancing around, the cat seemed to be looking for something. A large ruby caught the animal's attention and it reached out a paw, loosening it from its holder. As the gem fell, the cat deftly leaped and caught the red jewel in its mouth, then began to scamper away. Autolycus followed the graceful animal until it became obvious that it was heading towards a small hole in the wall.

"Aha! Got you," Autolycus muttered as he reached down to grab the cat. Twisting its back, the cat swung around and swung paw full of dagger-like claws at the thief's face. Tiny bright red beads appeared on his cheek and Autolycus cursed as his face stung. Grabbing a nearby tapestry, he threw it over the angry cat and then picked it up.

"Damn cat," he grumbled as he carried the struggling animal to the door. He gave the door a couple of solid kicks and waited for the guards to open it. "Hey! I got your thief here! Lemme out!"

The large wooden door slowly swung open and Autolycus proudly took the howling cat out of the tapestry and presented it to the guards. He grinned as he saw first one stunned face, then another.

"Well, there ya go, boys. As I always say, it takes a thief to catch a thief," he said.

"Take that thief into custody!" A voice thundered.

"Great," Autolycus responded. "I was wondering when someone was going to take this... HEY!"

Two guards quickly took his arms while another one gently released the cat, which quickly ran away.

"What are you doing?" Autolycus asked, confused. "There's your thief! I just saw that little furry bas..."

"Silence!" Serramanna commanded. "Take him to the prison! The queen will pass sentence on him tomorrow."

"Prison? Sentence? Hey! You got the wrong guy! The Queen asked me to go in the vault! You can ask her!"

"What's going on here?" a deep feminine voice demanded.

The tall guard turned. "Xena, I'm afraid this man was caught doing an unspeakable crime! The queen will pass judgement on him tomorrow."

Xena turned a cool gaze on the King of Thieves, and then returned her attention to Serramanna. "What has he done?"

"He was caught abusing a sacred pet of the queen herself. A crime punishable by death," the large guard answered.

"What sacred pet? I caught a cat that was trying to steal a ruby. A nice one, too, I might add. I gotta admit the cat has a good eye for treas...OOF!" The thief doubled over in pain as one of his captors elbowed him hard in the stomach.

"Hey! You didn't have to do that," Gabrielle snapped as she tried to help Autolycus. A guard pushed her away and she turned to Xena for help.

Xena stepped forward, but was stopped by Serramanna.

"I will make sure nothing further happens to him," the captain promised and turned to his men. "Take him to the prison and if anyone touches him again, they will answer to me! Is that clear?"

Several guards nodded nervously and one apologized to the bard before quickly taking Autolycus away. Xena watched silently and then turned her ice blue eyes on the captain.

"You know he didn't know of this law," she accused and was about to continue when a loud clanking sound was heard and grew louder until the source of the noise was seen.

"What happened? What'd I miss? Did we catch the thief?" Joxer asked breathlessly.

Gabrielle led Joxer away a few feet and tried to explain what just happened. "Autolycus was arrested," she began.

"I knew it! I knew that thief couldn't be trusted," Joxer responded.

"No, it isn't like that. He hurt a cat. But don't worry, Xena's gonna get him out," the bard replied.

After a few more moments of quiet discussion, Xena finally nodded and joined her friends. "Let's go," she said and led the way back to their rooms.

"What about Autolycus?" Gabrielle asked. "We aren't just going to leave him in prison overnight, are we?"

"There's nothing we can do," Xena answered. "We'll talk to Cleopatra in the morning and straighten everything out then. Until then, the only thing we can do is sleep."

"But I thought we were going to be guarding the vault tonight?" Joxer asked. "What about the thief?"

"We know who the thief is," the Warrior Princess answered.

"Great! Who is it?" he asked.

"The queen's pet cat," Gabrielle replied.

"Wow! Some pet," Joxer responded. "To think that the queen's own cat was stealing from her. What's she gonna do?"

"The captain of the guard says that Autolycus might be sentenced to death," the bard replied.

"No, not about him. I mean what's she gonna do about the cat?" Joxer asked.

Gabrielle sighed and rolled her eyes. "Goodnight, Joxer."

"What? I'm serious! I wanna know! Is it gonna die? Gabby? Gabby!" The warrior wannabe followed the bard until she entered her room and closed the door. "Was it something I said?" Receiving no response, he shrugged and walked back to his room. "Hmmmmph! Girls!" he muttered as he readied himself for bed.

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