Rated: PG - for some possible bad words.
Genre: Comedy
Author's notes: This was inspired by the song, "Green Eggs and Ham" by Moxy Fruvous, and, of course, by the original book by Dr. Seuss! Thank you, Phil, for beta reading this... and giving it your Official Phil's Seal of Approval. Oh, and like always, feedback is ALWAYS welcome!

The tall, dark-haired warrior woman stuffed the last bit of bread into her mouth and looked up. The sun had been up for about an hour at least and her companions still hadn't stirred. She knew it would be useless to attempt waking the bard, so she nudged a tall, gangly looking man.

"Joxer, get up," she called to him and nudged him again.

The man mumbled something and rolled away from the woman. She sighed and nudged him again, a little harder this time.

"Joxer, I'm going to head to the village and get some more food," she paused and realized he was still asleep. Growling with frustration, she grabbed him by his tunic and dragged him up.

Joxer cried out in surprise and fear, then realized who was holding him. "Oh, hi Xena! Is it my turn to watch the camp already?"

Xena sighed. "I'm going to head to the village and get some food," she repeated. "There's a bird's nest in the tree over there. Why don't you see if there's any eggs in it and make some breakfast for you and Gabrielle?"

Joxer nodded. "Breakfast. Yeah, I can do that! Ooh! I know! I can make Gabby breakfast in bed! I bet she'd love that!" He walked to the area Xena indicated, still talking to himself.

Xena smirked as she saddled her horse. She had no plans to stick around and see Gabrielle's reaction. "I'll be back later, Joxer," she called and quickly rode out of the camp.

Joxer was focused on getting some eggs for the bard's breakfast and barely noticed Xena's departure. He spied a nest in the crook of a small tree. It was just out of his reach. He scratched his head for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to reach the nest. He spied a stick a few feet away. Picking it up, he swung it around, trying to knock the nest out of the tree.

Without warning, a small bluish streak flew at him and pecked his hand, then just as suddenly flew away again. Another flash of blue attacked him a moment later and he dropped the stick as he swung his arms around trying to shoo the birds away to no avail. The two birds shrieked and dove at him again, driving him further and further away from their nest.

"Alright, already! I give up," he cried. "Who wants your stinkin' eggs anyway! I'll bet they're all rotten! Stupid birds."

The birds, satisfied that their eggs were protected and out of danger, returned to their nest, keeping a watchful eye on the warrior wannabe. Joxer began walking away and the male bird followed him, screeching warnings. The warrior wannabe turned and stuck out his tongue at the bird. The bird quickly flew over Joxer's head and relieved himself. Although the bird had targeted Joxer's head, his aim was a little off, and the lanky man caught most of the bird's droppings on his tongue.

"AGH!!" He spat out the offensive runny stool and used part of his sleeve to wipe his tongue off. He glared at the retreating bird, silently vowing revenge, then sighed. "Well, I guess eggs are out of the question for breakfast."

He turned to go back to camp and felt the ground give under his foot. He looked down and saw several broken pieces of eggshell and a whitish fluid. He crouched down and noticed several other eggs lying in the leaf debris. He looked up quickly, but the sky was clear of any possible dive-bombing birds. Grinning, he quickly scooped up several eggs and hurried back to the camp. He built up the small campfire and heated up the frying pan before adding the eggs. He supplemented the eggs with some herbs and other seasonings. He noticed the eggs turning an odd colour, but shrugged it off as he remembered the last time he had boiled eggs. He looked in his pack, which contained some food, and found some ham near the bottom of the bag and put it in the pan beside the eggs. Humming to himself, he put the cooked food onto a plate and brought it over to the sleeping bard.

"Rise and shine, Gabby! I made you breakfast in bed," Joxer grinned as he shook the bard's shoulder.

"I'll rise, but I refuse to shine," she muttered her standard reply. She stretched and sat up. "You didn't have to... Joxer, why are the eggs green?"

"Well, I added some herbs and stuff, you know, to make it taste better, but they're good! Try them," he encouraged and held out the plate again.

"Joxer, I do not like green eggs and ham," she snapped and pushed the plate away.

The warrior wannabe caught the plate before it spilled its contents on the ground and tried again. "Would you like them here? Or there?" He indicated a small log closer to the fire.

Gabrielle sighed. "I wouldn't like them anywhere."

Joxer grinned, teasing her. "You know, I could see you in a house. Eating green eggs and ham with a mouse."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "Maybe you can't hear. Have you got something in your ear?" She grabbed his ear and yanked it hard.

The warrior wannabe pulled away and rubbed his ear. "OW! No!"

"Joxer, I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I would not like those... green eggs... here. I would not like them there. I would not like them any where!"

Joxer put a bit of egg on a fork and held it out to her.

Gabrielle scowled at him. "You think you can convince me?" Joxer nodded, grinning. "Good luck!"

"What's wrong? This is some lean cuisine."

Gabrielle wrinkled her nose at the food. "No it's not! It's some green cuisine! Ugh!"

Joxer looked at her thoughtfully for a moment. "Well... you don't like green eggs and ham..."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes and replied sarcastically, "Oh, Mr. Perception!"

"But I know that you'd like them if you ate them with a goat," he grinned.

Gabrielle couldn't hide her frustration. "Joxer, I wouldn't eat that stuff with a goat in a coat by a moat!"

Joxer held the plate out to her again. "Oh! I know... would you, could you on a boat?"

Gabrielle pushed the plate away again. "Socrates wrote, and I quote, 'If you eat it, you'll bloat and float like a boat!'"

Joxer rolled his eyes. "Oh, please!"

Gabrielle was slowly growing tired of the banter and felt her stomach growl. "Look, Joxer, I'm not eating green eggs and ham." Joxer opened his mouth to protest and was about to push the plate towards her again, when she held up a fist. "Want me to introduce you to my friend, Pain?" Joxer shook his head quickly. She sighed and lowered her fist. "Why are you trying to make me eat that? I don't like it. I wouldn't serve it to a cat! I don't like green eggs and ham!"

Joxer looked at her for a moment before responding. "You just say you don't like them. You say you don't like this, and you don't like that. Well, you're starting to sound like a finicky cat!" Gabrielle crossed her arms and "hmmphed" in reply. "Try them and you might find you like nothing better than two greenish eggs over easy in the fry pan!" Grinning he couldn't resist adding, with a French accent, "And to accompany this fine taste, we have Olympian Ham! Pork from space!"

Gabrielle, irritated, threw her hands up. "Joxer! Will you get out of my face? If I eat that, I'll puke all over the place!"

Joxer didn't say a word as he pushed the plate in front of her again. In anger, the bard stabbed at an egg and shoved it into her mouth, expecting a foul taste. After a moment, her eyes opened wide and she chewed a bit more slowly.

"Better watch it. She looks like she's gonna puke," a voice said from behind Joxer.

He turned quickly and saw, with relief that Xena had finally returned from town.

Xena took a closer look at the eggs and frowned. "Joxer, where did you find those eggs?" she asked quietly.

"I found them on the ground over there," he replied, waving in a vague direction.

"Say," Gabrielle said slowly.

Joxer and Xena turned to face her. Then Xena examined the eggshells scattered about the fire. "Joxer, those are lizard eggs," she whispered to him.

"Say," the bard repeated. "Not bad! Joxer, I think I like green eggs and ham! And I'd eat them with a goat in a coat by a moat and I'd eat them here, I'll eat them there, I'll eat them anywhere! And I'd eat them in a house and with a house mouse. I think they're okay!"

Joxer grinned. "Well, I wouldn't let you down, you stubborn bard."

Gabrielle took another mouthful of eggs and then held the plate out to Joxer. "We could share them. We've got enough."

Joxer made a face and pushed the plate away. "Are you kidding? I don't eat that stuff!"

Please take the time to write to Anne at JoxerBuddy@hotmail.com, and let her know how you liked the story!

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER:
Xena: Warrior Princess, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and all characters who have appeared in the series, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures. The lyrics to "Green Eggs and Ham" are owned by the appropriate copyright holders. No infringement of copyrights or trademarks is intended in the writing of this fan fiction. This story is copyright © 2003 by Anne Beaudry and is her sole property along with the story idea. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.